Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

Op, I was so sad reading how you cried, then your DC cried too. I wish there was an easy answer, a way to make this right for you.

I think your DH, like quite a lot of men, think Sorry is a magic word- they swallow their pride and say it and think it will melt your heart and make everything better, you'll go back to where you started and it will be OK. The trouble is, you have the doubts, the fear it might have been worse, the nagging thought that it could happen again, and probably more than anything the thought that he disregarded not just you but your DC. He thinks it's something and nothing but you see the long term effects, the tears of your DC when their DM is unhappy.

In your place I would disregard at the things he's saying, just sort it out in your own mind and then do what feels right for you. Even if you deceide to try again, make him understand and don't spare his feelings over your own.

How are you doing today OP?

Hi Op, silly to ask how you are doing today, I know. I just wanted to say I am still thinking of you. Ever since I read your first post, I find myself thinking of you and your kids and how you all are. I have nothing but admiration and well wishes for you and your family.

It was really sad to read about the other night - it is completely natural to breakdown and just cry. This is grief. You are grieving for the life and man you knew and it comes in waves and sometimes hits you out of nowhere. It brings no comfort I know, but it is normal and expected and sometimes after those moments, you have a better sense of clarity, perhaps a clearer picture of what your future looks like. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. This is your space and time - you have every right to take the time you need for you and your children.

With regards to his behaviour, right now whatever he does, will be damned and wrong. If gets in touch, he’s being pushy and not respecting your space. He gives you space - he’s not trying enough. That is because he has tarnished everything he does, damned if he does and doesn’t. This is not your fault, but a consequence of his actions.

Wishing you the best and hoping you know you have a community of women here for you.

I totally agree with this!

We are all behind you wishing you well and offering a virtual handhold and hug. Sending our thoughts and best wishes x

Thank you. What can I say? I’m not ok, but also I am not awful (today).

I’ve just left to stay at my mums tonight so he can stay at the house with the kids. As he arrived he asked if we could all have a day out tomorrow, or at least if he could have them all day. The former seems to lack even the most casual connection to reality; the latter I do understand and am going to think about this evening. Still I think it’s selfish. He wants the kids so even though it’s week 1, and we are literally still in the immediate shockwave of the explosion, he thinks I might be ok to not have them at all this weekend.

He is also expecting me to make all his decisions for him- if I’m renting somewhere should it be place A which is X amount, and located here, or place B which is Y amount, and located there? I got an interview (for a job he’s fancied for years). It’s on Thursday. I think I should cancel it, do you?

Quite why I’m expected to run his entirely self inflicted shit show while keeping myself and the kids afloat I don’t know.

One wonderful thing has come out of this week. My mum - who is bonkers 90% of the time but world beating the 10% of life someone has a crisis- has been truly excellent, even for her. And my closest group of friends have been incredible. There is something so special (granted in a hideous way!!) about breaking your heart crying and looking up too see all your friends crying for you. I might not have won the romantic love lottery, as it turns out but I will never again take for granted the love I have in spades elsewhere.

I should say in the interests of balance, he is also giving it all the chat about how he will spend the rest of his live making it up to me and that we can come back even stronger and that he is more sorry than he can express that he is responsible for putting me through this.. it’s just as a PP said, I’m not in the headspace to hear it right now. He’d be damned if he didn’t say these things, but it isn’t helping him any that he is.

He is pushing yet more boundaries and trying to freak you out by making it "real" - oh if I show he I'm looking at flats and am serious she'll beg me to stay type thing 🙄. Obviously doesn't give a damn about your feelings, or giving you space.

Bat the responsibility back to him. Don't engage. You need time. Sorry this is happening to you.

Next time he asks you all of those questions say what you've posted above to him -

Quite why I’m expected to run his entirely self inflicted shit show while keeping myself and the kids afloat I don’t know.

You have yourself and the kids to look after. He can sort himself out without your input.

You need to say what I say to my 15 year old lazy thinker of a DS (who IS finally getting it, btw…)
“Use your own brain!“
”Do your own thinking.”
”How do you cope at work all day without me telling you what to think?”

Well. Who is ready for chapter 16 of the big book of lies? it’s a goody, loads of plot twists.

I’ve spent all week in a daze, wondering how much I can believe of what he’s saying; whether there’s any way back from this; looking at counselling near me.

Sitting working (from home) today and a thought struck me. I know his email details. Ah ha says me, let’s go see what we can see.

lovely innocent little inbox- check.
emails unsubscribing from insta and other social media- check.

But what about sent items thinks I?

Any guesses, lovely ladies of mumsnet?

If you’ve guessed, 11 years of hooking up for sex with both males and females on the side through Craigslist and adult friend finger….then you are far less naive than I was. Take a gold star.

What a fitting typo! Adult friend finder… obvs! Anyway. I’m trying hard to joke but- my whole life. A lie. Even before we were married.

Oh my god I'm so sorry, please forget my post above about mending a marriage after an affair...this is so much more than an affair isn't it. I'm so sorry

Oh fucking hell. I am so bloody sorry. What an absolute cunt.

If you’ve guessed, 11 years of hooking up for sex with both males and females on the side through Craigslist and adult friend finger….then you are far less naive than I was

I'm desperately sorry, Poleaxed, though not at all surprised - but then it happened to me too, except it was 30 plus years and only (?) women

I realise this hardly helps, but at least that will hopefully be "decision made" and in time you can move forward without his filth in your life

Is he aware that you know?

How sad and horrible for you. You've been so dignified and controlled throughout this.
Sending you strength and best wishes. My heart breaks for you and your little family. You will get through this and find someone who truly deserves you. So many of us are willing you on to happier days. 💐

And so much for "‘I would never have acted on it, I would never risk us’"

I'm just remembering that you said you never had the least reason to doubt him, and whatever else you're going through please don't ever beat yourself up over "Why didn't I notice". As I know to my cost, this kind of lying becomes a well practiced habit and they become very, very good at it

As much as this finding sucks. At least now you know and maybe the decision is a bit easier

Fuck.. I'm so sorry @poleaxed this is exactly what happened to me 8 months ago. Exactly. If you want to dm me feel free. My kids are 3 and 1. I've been there. It's shit. But I am more than happy to support you if you need it. The feeling of life being a lie is something I know well. In some ways it makes things easier a few months on... its hard to miss someone I never even knew. My family call him 'the imposter'. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

That is possibly the most upsetting update I've ever seen on MN. But, and I realise that it's pretty hard to find any silver lining right now, I guess at least you know now that you don't have to torture yourself about making a decision, whether you believe him or not etc. I'm so sorry your life has imploded this way, but you will find a way forward, I promise you that.

Aaahh, so sorry you are on the receiving end of this, it is truly horrible. Sending you thoughts and hugs 💐

I'm so, so sorry to read your update. What a fucking prick. I'd take photos of everything I'd found, print it all off and confront him with the lot when he is least expecting it. Don't give him a chance to think of any excuses to worm his way out, not that there are any.

You sound like a lovely and intelligent woman from your posts with a great support network and a wonderful family, you WILL find a way through this and come out stronger. Take care of yourself OP 💐

Absolutely devastated for you. You seem like such a lovely person and I truly can't imagine how you must be feeling now. How bloody awful of him. Cruel, selfish, deceitful man. As others have said, I'm so glad you have a lot of RL support. Lean on your friends and family and treasure those lovely babies of yours and you will have a great future with people who deserve your love and trust. Squeezing your hand tight and sending you strength.

I came on this evening to see how you were doing OP and saw your update. I’m so, so sorry that you’re having to go through this. For what it’s worth you come across as nothing but lovely and wonderful. It won’t be much consolation but he’s an absolute c word and your life will be much better without him. I look forward to hopefully reading in the not too distant future that you are having the most beautiful life without him in it. Give yourself all of the time, space you need and be so gentle with yourself. All these women are here for you angel.

I'm so sad for you @PoleaxedAndSome all I can say is that whilst I wasn't exactly in your position after I found out in retrospect about my Hs emotional affair- I stopped trusting and started monitoring our router(unbeknown to him basically I just banged the child logs back on but not blocking anything) and I discovered a rather large porn habit(like virtually every day) from a guy who said he watched it very very occasionally. As I said before you really think you know someone inside out and what life at 60 has taught me is that you never really do. I monitor because if I find something like this he's out. The only positive thing I can say to you is at least you know you were not over reacting one bit and can leave with a 100% clear conscience- make sure everyone else knows what a shit he is don't let his shame be yours!!