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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 20/04/2022 10:19

Something strange is going on with the MM site update I think…..

*we were having sex more often. And when we were it wasn’t shit sex! (It never was, dry spells aside).

OP posts:
Usernameinsponeeded · 20/04/2022 10:25

I’m so sorry you’re going through this shit time.
Bloody man has risked so much for a cheap thrill.
You sound so lovely, he’s an idiot.

Whatever you decide to do, I imagine it’ll be difficult whatever decision you make, but I honestly wish you all the best

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 20/04/2022 10:26

My friend's husband had an affair and she commented that their sex during the affair period was better than it had been in years. Sadly, it doesn't take much imagination to work out why.

Soupercat · 20/04/2022 10:28

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 20/04/2022 10:26

My friend's husband had an affair and she commented that their sex during the affair period was better than it had been in years. Sadly, it doesn't take much imagination to work out why.

This very common.

kaleidoscope123 · 20/04/2022 17:11

Hope all goes well at handover. Just take your time to process and don’t feel pressured to make any decisions on the spot

Monstertrucks · 20/04/2022 18:25

I hope things go ok tonight and your friend provides you with the support you need x

Daleksatemyshed · 20/04/2022 19:31

Don't let him feel sorry for himself Op, he did this, he knew it was wrong but he did it anyway. He's hoping if he says he feels like shit you'll take pity on him. I'd be marking his cards for him - he's in the wrong, he doesn't get anyone's sympathy, especially yours.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 21/04/2022 00:44

Today has been rough. I’m totally unimpressed at what I’ve seen from him today/tonight at handovers.

He asked me if I was ok (???).
He told me how he was and asked me for a hug (🤯).
He told me life wasn’t worth living if he didn’t have us all
He told me ‘it’s not really cheating, I didn’t meet her I didn’t sleep with her’

He is very obviously very upset. He offered to do anything, try anything, be anything. But still, all the above is so far short of being enough it’s laughable.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 21/04/2022 02:55

Then do it… Laugh in his face as you walk out

SortingItOut · 21/04/2022 07:06

@PoleaxedAndSome Its funny how you'd had previously conversations about what cheating was (in both your eyes) and secret messaging/flirting was one of them but now he's done it and been caught he wants to change the lines of what he now thinks is cheating.
Honestly you can't make it up.

My ex- husband didn't see what he did as cheating or anywhere close to it.

When I met my new partner and we progressed to a relationship we had a discussion on what cheating was and what was acceptable because I didn't want to be with someone who didn't think like me. Luckily he agrees that texting (flirting) is cheating and unacceptable. Hopefully he'll stick to his word, I hope he will as he's been cheated on twice and knows how much it hurts.

lovingtheheat · 21/04/2022 07:49

Jesus as if he hasn't behaved badly enough, he is trying to fudge boundaries and now thrown in a threat of suicide to get you you bend to his will. I wouldn't be able to forgive that. He is meant to be giving space, not strong arming you you bend to his will. Unbelievably entitled and shows complete disregard for you. I'm seething on your behalf!

kaleidoscope123 · 21/04/2022 07:52

Goodness he sounds very self absorbed. He got himself into this situation!

He didn’t meet up with her because you caught this early on, not because he put a stop to it. He was also going to take the kids to meet up with her which is horrendous behaviour!

If his conversations with her really were nothing then he or she would be sharing them with you. There is a way he can get the deleted messages and for whatever reason he’s deleted the retrieved messages also! That’s quite telling!

Notonthestairs · 21/04/2022 07:57

He's rewriting history isn't he. He had every intention of meeting up with her - he just got caught before he could put it in to action. Texting first thing in the morning is a sure sign of at the very least a crush or an emotional affair.

And he's still focusing on how he feels rather than the damage he's caused. It's all very self indulgent.

I'm not surprised you are not impressed.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/04/2022 07:59

It's 'just texting' until the right opportunity presents itself for it to become something more. I've been on both sides.

You caught him before that opportunity arose by the sound of it but it depends whether you can get over the fact that it WOULD have happened in all probability.

When I caught my ex husband's affair, as someone else said, it was the messages I read between them that upset me more than the sex. Talking about me (which he later admitted was "showing off"), making plans together, etc. I knew I could never get those messages out of my head and that's not how I wanted my life and marriage to be.

Op, no-one wants to break up a family but your H has done that if that's the way it goes, not you. It broke my heart telling our dc we were separating as apart from the affair, we had a brilliant life. We (I) have worked really damn hard to ensure that they have never seen us argue or say a bad word about each other though and despite being a shit husband, he is a good dad so they have had stability, just a different kind.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

MyEasterEggs · 21/04/2022 08:55

Oh OP. Emotionally ambushing you with questions he knows the answers to and then emotionally blackmailing you with thinly veiled suicide threats. I’ve experienced this myself and it’s truly shitty!

He clearly is upset and does sound remorseful but that doesn’t excuse or erase how he’s behaved. And it’s a problem that he can’t acknowledge just how damaging his behaviour has been. Not taking it to a physical stage means very little when he’s abused your trust.

I’d personally tell him to keep his thoughts to himself if he can’t comprehend that he was emotionally checking out of your relationship each time he sent one of those messages or entertained the thought of physically being with someone else.

Hope you’re holding it together. You’ve been handling this all so well 💛

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/04/2022 08:59

Yes, I'd have expected this I'm afraid; as I said, the manipulation and nastiness starts to appear if you don't fall into line and I wouldn't expect it to get any better

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 21/04/2022 11:31

Speaking to him has totally thrown me for a loop if I’m honest. I felt like much as I was heartbroken I knew I couldn’t forgive or forget this (nor did I want to). But speaking to him- it almost makes it seem like a bad dream. Like I’m blowing everything out of proportion almost? He seems almost… outraged… not quite the right word but I’m too tired to think of a better one that he should be kicked out permanently for something so… ‘minor’. He just keeps saying ‘but I didn’t DO anything’ and he seems to have convinced himself so totally that of course this could be forgiven that it is throwing me too.

but then he leaves and I think - I don’t know who you are. You are not loyal. You are not honest. How can I be with you in those circumstances no matter what happened or didn’t.

OP posts:
Usernameinsponeeded · 21/04/2022 12:17

So selfish of him to dump all those emotions on to you after you have requested space.

you’re not being harsh or blowing things out of proportion - he has cheated. Not physically but he’s overstepped boundaries you both previously agreed on. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions and showing remorse he seems to be rewriting history and making himself a victim. He needs to acknowledge that he has done something! Until then, there really is no going forward is there?

Every single text he sent showed complete disrespect and disregard for your marriage and your children. So what if he didn’t shag her. I bet in his head he did (sorry). He still did something very wrong and until he can accept that, i really can’t see how you can even begin to work through things together.

please don’t feel bad or harsh for needing space and time to work through things. I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions you’re going through.

ThreeLittleDots · 21/04/2022 12:19

Now he's trying to gaslight you - also abusive

lovingtheheat · 21/04/2022 12:33

He absolutely did do something. He betrayed your trust by crossing previously agreed non negotiable boundaries. As others have said he is now gaslighting tou and frankly being emotionally abusive. So not only did he do something he is actually escalating matters.

elhlUI457897J · 21/04/2022 12:34

I would say that if he is a reasonable human that he should be able to understand that whilst from his point of view it was nothing more than innocent flirting - from your standpoint you are just thinking that if you hadnt found the messages then in a week he might have been banging her. In this situation the trust is gone because you cant guarantee that he wouldnt be and he cant guarantee it either because it didnt happen. The point of trust isnt that people arent sleeping with other people, is that one's partner should be secure in their assumption that one isnt. If he cant get that and work through that with you - then honestly what can you do

MyEasterEggs · 21/04/2022 13:12

I’d be clear and tell him that he needs to quit with the emotional blackmail and gaslighting. He’s trying to convince you that everything is fine and, because you’re vulnerable, you’re wavering. What matters here is how you feel and how has treated you, not how he feels about it. It sounds like he’s playing the victim here and making things even messier than they need to be so perhaps you need a rule that you don’t discuss what’s happened until you say so. You’re getting no space and have barely had a chance to breathe. Can you get away for a few nights to gather your thoughts?

kaleidoscope123 · 21/04/2022 17:11

Again if it’s so minor he would have no trouble downloading the deleted messages or asking for the screen grab or her to download from her end and send through. It clearly isn’t minor!

if it were a club where they did action shots of a sport then I could see why he put you look 🔥 from a photo but if he was just commenting on her stood next to something she’s made or just her face then he clearly means her and not describing the action shot.

He is trying to minimise from sure as he sees that as his only way out of this.

stiritwithaknife · 21/04/2022 19:44

PoleaxedAndSome · 21/04/2022 11:31

Speaking to him has totally thrown me for a loop if I’m honest. I felt like much as I was heartbroken I knew I couldn’t forgive or forget this (nor did I want to). But speaking to him- it almost makes it seem like a bad dream. Like I’m blowing everything out of proportion almost? He seems almost… outraged… not quite the right word but I’m too tired to think of a better one that he should be kicked out permanently for something so… ‘minor’. He just keeps saying ‘but I didn’t DO anything’ and he seems to have convinced himself so totally that of course this could be forgiven that it is throwing me too.

but then he leaves and I think - I don’t know who you are. You are not loyal. You are not honest. How can I be with you in those circumstances no matter what happened or didn’t.

"but I didn't DO anything" contradicts:


  • "know that I'm feeling worse because I've caused it"

  • "I will remember this for the rest of my life and do everything and anything to avoid for as long as I live"

  • "I have hardly eaten in days, I'm constantly throwing up"


The truth comes out in his frustration: he really doesn't believe he's in the wrong. That's not compatible with what he has portrayed to you: as a deep sense of guilt, shame, and desire for atonement. That means that everything he told you before was just what he calculated that you'd want to hear. Don't you find it hard to trust what he says now, OP?

You said "he offered to do anything, try anything, be anything". But if you give him another chance and he truly believes he didn't do anything wrong, how soon will you face down with the same whining protests? Why should I stop doing my hobby? I didn't DO anything! Why should I stop talking to her? I didn't DO anything! Why should we exchange phone passcodes? I didn't DO anything! Why should I put in effort to assuage your fears and regain your trust? I didn't DO anything!

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2022 20:01

Unfortunately OP- he did so something-- . He may think it was'nothing' but to you it was everything- stuff like this completely kills any feeling of 'special' that's certainly how I felt. When you get married there is an expectation that it is indeed 'forsaking all others'-- not just till they need an ego boost or fancy some banter with an attractive woman. It's perfectly possible to forgive and forget for some and not remotely possible for others- I have stayed but have never felt the same even 5 years later - however I'm older and in a bit of a vulnerable position and not prepared to really really struggle as we get on still ok - however if it happened again I would leave

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