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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:
MyEasterEggs · 19/04/2022 22:12

“I’m feeling worse”. Jeez. All about him.

Ask him what he means by “whatever it takes”. He needs to offer some suggestions. He’s the one who broke it, so he needs to fix it. You’re handling this all so well OP. Hang in there 💛

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 19/04/2022 22:14

@Rewis no. Though, (to try and be totally fair; not that he deserves it) I have not been open to any discussion about that AT ALL. It pretty much went - lie lie lie drip feed drip feed (him), you need to get out of my space for a while I can’t bear this and I can’t think straight (me).

I can’t imagine for a second that he thinks he would maintain contact by message. Whether he has thought through the club aspect is anyone’s guess. She has a need to be there on the odd occasion (paid). This is unlikely to change unless it’s of her own volition. He doesn’t NEED to be there, but goes there every week at least once.

Like I say though- I have no idea whether I want him back, whether in his heart of hearts he wants to be here, none of it. It feels so premature to be discussing ‘ground rules’ because I don’t even want to give an inch and suggest I’m thinking long term reconciliation.

OP posts:
endlesslystandingonlego · 19/04/2022 22:15

Every sentence begins with I. How dare he tell you how terrible he feels!!

Notonthestairs · 19/04/2022 22:16

It wasn't to do with shared interests. It was an ego stroke away from family responsibilities. Huge selfishness, self absorption and emotional immaturity - and squandered your love and loyalty in the process.

His text focuses on his own feelings- maybe that's to to acknowledge his guilt or a sign that he can only view your feelings through his own lenses.

Only you will know how sincere he is or whether that matters anymore.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 19/04/2022 22:17

@thatslow do you mind if I ask, what other situations started to make sense? I feel I must surely have missed things. This can’t have happened in a vacuum.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 19/04/2022 22:19

Jeez, how fucking dare he! He feels worse!?!? Bloody doubt that!!

Rewis · 19/04/2022 22:27

@PoleaxedAndSome I'm not suggesting that you need to work on ground rules or anything. I was just thinking if he is offering any solutions. He is basically saying he will do anything. So basically giving you a task and him just following it. Instead of doing the thinking and the legwork on how to make you forgive him. It might say something, might not. Was just curious. Take all the time you need x

Candleabra · 19/04/2022 22:44

What an awful message for him to send. And what an insight into how he thinks. You’re probably so conditioned to put his feelings first that it hasn’t hit you how bad it is.

It’s all about him. How dismissive of your feelings. Whatever you feel - he feels worse.

Calandor · 19/04/2022 22:59

If you can log into his email and Instagram account you may be able to download an archive of the chat to find out.

Se here: www.trustedreviews.com/how-to/recover-deleted-messages-from-instagram-4219532

Calandor · 19/04/2022 23:03

Sorry I see you have figured out they can be downloaded should've RTFT

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2022 23:18

He feels worse than you
He hasn't eaten
He's throwing up
His brain is mush
He doesn't want to experience this again

Fuck me, a lot of his message is about him and how you should feel sorry for him because he has it worse isn't it?! Despite it being entirely self inflicted.

What a dick.

Icanflyhigh · 19/04/2022 23:29

Its just so shitty Isn't it?
I think you're being calm, measured and very dignified considering.

Someone else asked upthread about texting other women, and I'll be honest if it's open and transparent i have no issue. DH has a lot of female friends who he messages frequently, but never covertly - I don't know these women, they're old friends of DH, but he's never given me a reason to doubt or question.

You need some time and space to get your head around as much of it as possible, and to decide what is right for you.
Your way is the only right way now.

momlog20 · 19/04/2022 23:38

Nope, absolutely not, I would be done with the man.

momlog20 · 19/04/2022 23:53

Just read the rest of the thread. God, what a sickly vile twat. I bloody hate men sometimes.

Hawkins001 · 19/04/2022 23:55

@momlog20

Just read the rest of the thread. God, what a sickly vile twat. I bloody hate men sometimes.
I understand your perspectives, but when it comes to affairs does it not, take two to tango ?
Fraaahnces · 20/04/2022 05:22

Well… isn’t he the victim? Fuck that noise? Seen any genuine accountability there? Nope. What a fucking manchild.

thatslow · 20/04/2022 07:04

Things like he suddenly wanted to go on work parties which he’d shown no interest in. Lack of affection. Not wanting to do things as a family that he usually would have. A year or so before I was pregnant and he just wanted to quit his job because “he needed to get out”. No one gives up a job with their 3rd child on the way unless there’s more to it.

Even once I had the proof he still tried to lie so unless you can see all the messages I think you’ll always wonder what else.

Being a single parent isn’t easy but neither is living with no trust and honesty it’s surprising what strength you find in yourself when you have to.

Cactuslove · 20/04/2022 07:49

@thatslow

It’s such a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. Been there and was left with a 1, 3 and 5 year old. Pretty much the same situation in that he took my youngest to meet the other woman. Also think I might have caught it before it became physical but in time looking back so many other situations began to make sense.

It is daunting and I probably would have stuck it out for the kids sake but that option was also taken out of my hands and I am so glad for it. It isn’t always easy being a single mum but it’s better that and to have an opportunity to meet someone who’s makes you their number 1.

In time you might be surprised at how you cope with time away from the children and they will grow up knowing no different if you do decide to separate. Also don’t always believe things will be amicable, I thought my ex idolised me and the children and although he has them, things become very different when emotions are heightened. I don’t even recognise him as a person anymore. You need to think about what you want right in this moment without the what if thoughts or considerations to how other people will react.

@thatslow this 100% this. I have even left with a 3 and 1 yr old. Your post really resonates. Its bloody hard but I'm glad I was given no option because i can't imagine how much harder it would be had I of stayed with him. Agree that I don't recognise him anymore. Everything is about him and his wants/needs and me and the kids have to fit in to that.
BethAfra · 20/04/2022 08:15

I've been here too. It is utterly awful, but it won't always feel this bad. I'm glad you have started to talk to others - the worst thing I did was not tell anyone what he had done (until he actually left) and it is soul destroying, plus it helped DH pretend he hadn't done anything too terrible. Also, I felt like such a mug for trusting and so ashamed but in reality he was the mug for throwing his family away and I shouldn't feel shame for something he chose to do. So don't cover for him and get support from friends and family when you need it.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 20/04/2022 08:25

I’m not sleeping very well and I’m struggling to remember who is commenting what a little. A couple of people have mentioned that they are ok with other halves texting women per se. I agree with this. It’s not the simple act of texting a woman. We actually have a mutual female friend - more a family friend for him and a close personal friend for me- who we have both known some 20 years. He has always been happy to text her and on occasions if I’ve been busy done activities that I would usually join in, with her alone. I have never cared in the slightest. Like someone said. It was open and transparent. This is not that. This was hidden, was inappropriate, and was immediately covered by lies when found out. This is someone who was previously a stranger, who know is so important to him that he is texting her in the morning saying good morning.

He is coming here tonight to do dinner and bed for the kids, and I am going to go out as he comes in, go to my friends house for a few hours to give them time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 20/04/2022 08:27

My youngest woke up in the night and called out for him to settle her and it’s… I was about to say indescribably painful but so many of you have been there it seems, that I imagine you know exactly what I mean.

OP posts:
LJAKS · 20/04/2022 08:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There really is no going back once the trust is gone. To add another perspective to the mix though, I loved being a single parent. I know a lot of PP saying it's difficult and not the ideal and I'm sure for many that is the case, but for me it was honestly easier than staying in my marriage. The odd child free weekend actually becomes enjoyable when you fill them with friends and start to find yourself again. There's maybe the odd time that I'll find it harder, usually 4am when she's being sick 🤪 but on the whole I loved it. It seems far scarier that it is and is infinitely better than staying married to someone "for the kids"

Take care of yourself

Fraaahnces · 20/04/2022 09:04

I keep thinking of his “pity party for one” text you received. He is already trying to blame-shift. Don’t let that happen. He is literally only focusing on how his behaviour has affected himself. Write him a note stating that he is 100% responsible for everyone’s pain and he must be 100% accountable. You do not want to ever hear or read such self-indulgent, self-pitying drivel again. How dare he claim to be suffering more than you, when you have had to be strong for them despite knowing that their father was perfectly happy to pretend that none of you existed so that he could go out and play “happy families” with another woman at the hobby family day. How dare he claim to be in more pain than you when you are waking at night to bewildered kids, crying for their dad, knowing that he has been feeding his ego with a texting wankfest like a fourteen year old boy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2022 09:41

Worth remembering too that this prioritising of himself is in the context of still hoping there's a chance you'll have him back

Should you decide otherwise I strongly suspect this will change to something even worse; when men this entitled don't get their way the consequences can be unpleasant

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 20/04/2022 10:18

How dare he claim to be in more pain than you when you are waking at night to bewildered kids, crying for their dad, knowing that he has been feeding his ego with a texting wankfest like a fourteen year old boy

@Fraaahnces ah, this has made me smile for some reason. I think because you sound exactly like me and my group of friends when we are outraged. It’s what we might say and the way we would say it! But of course what you say is nothing but the truth.

@thatslow thanks for sharing your experience. I can’t imagine it’s easy to think about it detail even down the line. It seems almost the polar opposite of mine though. Nothing about his behaviour changed. Things in our relationship were happy and settled (for the first time in a long time). He was more affectionate to me, and as a result we

OP posts: