To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

[WonderingSally]

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

Born in late 80s. I can only remember once getting a smacked bottom. Probably for something silly like stealing sweets.
I was never smacked again after this - perhaps my dad felt guilty about it.
My dad was regularly physically abused by his own father and at school by teachers. I guess that one time he smacked me he felt intense guilt and decided he would never do it again.
After that I can only remember being shouted at for being naughty.

I think smacking was seen as a normal way of reprimanding a child - it didn't have to be for anything particularly 'bad'.

@Anythingbutsnow

..... But there are so many posts on here from mum's tearing their hair out because they are at their wits end with their kids behavior. I was smacked as a kid and I grew up into a happy, balanced adult. To me, it seemed like a quick, efficient method to teach right from wrong. I don't smack my kids now as I'm aware it's not acceptable, but my god the long drawn out process of naughty steps, no screen time etc etc do my head in!

But hitting is wrong. One of the first lessons we teach our children, right from when they are little babies just toddling about in baby group, is that being violent towards others is wrong. It's the one 'offence' that had my DC removed from any group for a few minutes for the first time, and then if it happened again, we'd leave. And that was from when they were just 15/16 months.

How is it acceptable for an adult to hit, then, and not a child? For most parents, hitting and other violence is the worst thing their children could do... they might tolerate a bit of boisterousness or not listening, or messing around at table, but I don't know any parents who will condone their children hitting others and not intervene.

Born in early 80s, only remember being smacked once. Just on the hand, I was probably 6 or 7, I think I’d thrown something across the room in a rage. I can still so clearly remember the shock of it and how upset I was. I think my Mum would probably have been horrified she’d done it, as it wasn’t the norm, but I don’t remember that. I just remember that feeling so well, and there’s no way I’d ever smack one of mine.

But there are so many posts on here from mum's tearing their hair out because they are at their wits end with their kids behavior. I was smacked as a kid and I grew up into a happy, balanced adult

Those children whose mums are tearing their hair out will probably also grow into happy, balanced adults.

In 2001 i took my DS to the GP because of his behaviour. The GP asked if I'd tried smacking him, and was a bit eye rolly when I said no, and that I didn't want to. Both my DM and FiL advised DS needed a good hard smack. Obviously they were wrong, but no so long ago smacking was very normal. I don't think it was about physically hurting the child, more about asserting some sort of dominance.

70s baby here.

I was smacked regularly by both parents, F did it more that M, however my mother now denies it. Her story is: she smacked me once in my life and felt so bad about doing it, she couldn't ever forgive herself.
She rewrites history a lot.

She also used to grab me by the hair and PULL so hard when I was a young adult still living at home. She only stopped when I started doing it back to her.

When I was 19, I went on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) and my father didn't like it so he smacked me repeated on the bare bottom. I was scared and humiliated.
I have NEVER been able to get over that.

My eldest DD is 25 and I am incredibly ashamed to say I smacked her as a young child. It was all I knew how to do. It's another thing I have difficulty coming to terms with. I have apologised and asked her forgiveness which she gave but I hate myself for it.

@SpiderVersed

I think dwelling on it many years later isn’t particularly healthy.

I was occasionally smacked, my brother far more often. Have never done it myself and my anecdata is that my brother and I fought physically all the time and my children never fought physically.

It’s not a case of dwelling on it, abuse can cause lasting damage, it fundamentally alters a childs brain development. For me It can feel like I never left the childhood home, still trapped with my abusers. I am doing intensive work to undone the fucked up damage & trauma that my shit bag family meted out to me. So much fucking ignorance in this thread.

YABU 36% ffs

@crispsarny

YABU 36% ffs

I don’t think it’s ‘YABU because smacking is fine and good parenting’

It’s more ‘YABU to be specifically upset about something which, at the time it happened in, was sadly a very routine part of parenting and you weren’t maliciously singled out’

@typingcake

I was born in 1980 and I was smacked as a child through to my teen years. Stuff like slapped on the legs, smacked hard in succession on my backside, once dad was drunk and I did something to annoy him and he slapped me hard on the face and another time my mum dragged me outside by my hair. We were not regularly abused just when we had done something bad, mostly fighting with each other. One thing tho - Dad never hit me or my sisters any other time and he never hit mum. Bit my god they threw stuff and screamed at each other.

Honey you were abused. Your father hit you when he was drunk. Please stop trying to make this seem ok and your fault.

@lovelymama

I’m older than you, I was born in 1980. I have a very close, loving family and had a great childhood but we were smacked. Not for random things, which sound very petty in your case. We were very poor, mum and dad must have been so stressed about money as I am 1 of 4 children. I think when they were stressed was when we got a smack. I remember my dad getting mine and my sister’s heads and banging them together. That bloody hurt!

Our relationship with our parents has always been strong and I adore my parents as we have such respect for each other. In your case, is there a strong upside to your dad? Do you only have those bad memories or are there lots of amazing things that you remember too?

I can't believe what I'm reading. You were hit when your parents were feeling stressed. You were their emotional punch bag. Please stop telling yourself and the world that it was your fault. You are actually admitting that the snacking happened when they were feeling stressed. They released their stress onto you

"My parents hit me when they were stressed, my dad banged our heads together, but we are a great family with so much love and respect!"

What family is this, the Corleones? Jesus wept. And to think I'm getting mawkish rebukes about blame, regrets and how I shouldn't be judgemental because I think parents who expect a child to handle being hit can damn well handle hearing that they fucked up.

Some say it was the norm in the 80s. Well I brought my kids up in the 80s and never once hit them. I knew some who did and it disgusted me.

@MeridasMum

70s baby here.

I was smacked regularly by both parents, F did it more that M, however my mother now denies it. Her story is: she smacked me once in my life and felt so bad about doing it, she couldn't ever forgive herself.
She rewrites history a lot.

She also used to grab me by the hair and PULL so hard when I was a young adult still living at home. She only stopped when I started doing it back to her.

When I was 19, I went on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) and my father didn't like it so he smacked me repeated on the bare bottom. I was scared and humiliated.
I have NEVER been able to get over that.

My eldest DD is 25 and I am incredibly ashamed to say I smacked her as a young child. It was all I knew how to do. It's another thing I have difficulty coming to terms with. I have apologised and asked her forgiveness which she gave but I hate myself for it.

I would say that smacking your 19 year old daughter on the bare bottom is physical and sexual abuse.

I’m not surprised you will never get over that.

Some of these stories, I swear. Smackers and smacking apologists, behold the company you keep.

As for the clear spanking fetishists, go to a fucking sex club to get your fucking kicks. But be warned, they're very hot on consent and not abusing children, so don't let them know what you really are if you don't want the bouncer chucking you out on your own arse.

@MissChanandlerBong80
I have thought that too but it was very much minimised. But thank you for validating that

80s children, all of us were physically abused by our parents. Hand, slipper, wooden spoon, hoover tube were used to hit us. One summer I can’t remember a night they didn’t hit us. I used to step in to protect youngest sibling from the hitting - for which in her 40s she still thanks me. Fucking crazy. I had terrible anxiety (can’t imagine why) so wet the bed until very late then would be hit, and then my face forcibly rubbed into the piss ridden covers.

I wish my parents nothing but pain as they grow old.

Having delayed having my own kids due to that trauma, and since finding the joy That comes with kids - I can’t ever imagine hurting them on purpose in punishment. We have boundaries, but physical enforcement isn’t necessary.

If you smack a child you’re a cunt. End of.

Having delayed having my own kids due to that trauma, and since finding the joy That comes with kids - I can’t ever imagine hurting them on purpose in punishment.

This is it. For all the apologists claiming that someone couldn't ever possibly have known what bad parenting it is until last week or whenever...If you have a child, you know first hand how small and vulnerable they are. And you can see how undeveloped they are and why they tantrum and misbehave as they learn to control themselves and how the world works. I do know how maddening small children can be, but it's so fugging obvious that hitting them for it is the bloody worst thing you could do, and indeed is probably a reason why they're not learning de-escalation in the first place. It's so. Damn. Obvious.

My mum and dad both hit me. All. The. Time. For stupid shit.
They scrimped and saved to afford a trip to Disney for us. All I remember of the holiday was getting smacked for something and dropping my drink and then getting smacked for that too.
I don’t remember Disney.
I don’t remember the flight or the villa.
I only remember getting smacked.

Now I’m an adult I get to pick and choose when I see my parents but I haven’t forgotten and I never will. Smacking = shit parents. Without exception imo.

@maddy68

I was also smacked. I think it was the done thing then. I have to say to say I probably needed it and no I don't have any long term psychological issues from it. It was just standard parenting then

No it wasn’t!! Standard parenting didn’t include smacking! When my friends heard or saw the punishments I got they were appalled.

It was abuse. Smacking/hitting/hurting isn’t or wasn’t “standard”. At least not in the area I lived in or in my experience.

I absolutely hate the “didn’t do me any harm” argument. It’s the same as survivor bias. So you are ok? What about the others?! It wasn’t normal and I craved the home life that my friends had. One without fear. One without pain. They felt sorry for me.

I'm a 1991 baby and got smacked, most often by my dad and usually out of frustration. My mum has always been anti-smacking but she found herself smacking me and my brother too although not anything like as frequently as my dad. Consequently when my parents divorced I distanced myself from my dad quite considerably. She's smacked my nephew and my son, both of which I've threw shitfits over.

PS I'm anti-smacking and do not smack my son

I know many parents who smacked their kids in this day and age too.
I was hit and beaten, not smacked as such. But I’m not from the UK.

I knew soon as I had kids I wasn’t going to do that.

OP I was also born in the 80s and smacked way too much. It was abuse. I turned into a hilarious rebellious teenager and luckily the scapegoat rather than the golden child in my fucked up family dynamics.

I noticed you said about it hitting home having your dc. Mine only really hit home when my dd turned 16 this year. I had been through so much by that age, I was lucky to be alive. I felt overwhelmed with what a great life she has compared to what I had at her age. It made me really sad and I'm working through that in counselling.