To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

[WonderingSally]

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

[quote worriedatthistime]@DrSbaitso most people dislike judgemental people too
You will go around life with lots of regrets if you go looking for blame
I know I have made mistakes as a parent myself , doesn't make me shit , makes me a normal parent , doing my very best at the time. My kids know that but sometimes we get a situation wrong or handle it incorrectly , we learn and move on. My kids also learn that its ok to make mistakes and that we all fuck up sometimes rather than hold a grudge against me for one honest misjudgement or whatever[/quote]
You can judge me for judging smacking all you like. You can even throw in a bit of mawkish projection about blame and regrets if you feel you have to. It's got nothing to do with the fact that smacking is always a parenting failure, and recognising that matters more than massaging the egos of those who do it. None of us learn to be better parents by prioritising our egos over recognising a shit technique when we see it.

I wasn’t smacked, and I’d never smack my kid.
It’s fine to be angry about being smacked. Generally all smacking is is an adult taking out their emotions on their child. It’s bad. I’m not going to argue it, because there are so many studies proving that it’s a net negative.
I don’t blame you for not leaving your child with them either.

@WonderingSally

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

I was born in 1991 and I don't think this was normal.

I was never smacked except on 1 single occasion, which I will always remember because I was completely stunned. I think I was about 5 and I spilt talc all over the carpet and a got a smack on the leg. Other than that, never

Just want to add - even though it only happened once, I remember it in the most minute detail, right down to what I was wearing and what my Mum was wearing at the time. She can't remember it at all. Something to think about, when it comes to your own kids IMO.

@DrSbaitso but people can't recognise something at the time that was considered normal as wrong can they ( not talking about the ones who used it excessively or used items etc as that is very different)
Your saying they are shit parents people you don't know and have never met
Not saying that its a shit method and people need to look back and think that wasn't ideal I wish I had known another way
You've labelled then and thats it , said to people on here they have shit parents etc

Even though there are all these amazing parents who hit their children the right way (irony klaxon), there are clearly many others who couldn't tell the difference, never learned self-control or de-escalation, and ended up in situations that even the amazing parents are appalled by.

Clearly we can't be trusted to know exactly how much physical pain and humiliation makes us good parents, so it's best we look to other techniques entirely.

@DrSbaitso when the OP was born late 80's 90's I would say it was becoming better known that there were more affective ways than smacking , but not 70's early 80's

@DrSbaitso people do use other techniques now though no one has said ok nowadays and that different methods have they , your twisting things
I think some parenting nowadays isn't great , those that show their kids no boundaries and allow them to run amock never hearing the word no,
Behaviour is worse in schools than it was when I was at school and they didn't use corporal punishment but kids had a lot more respect it seems

[quote worriedatthistime]@DrSbaitso but people can't recognise something at the time that was considered normal as wrong can they ( not talking about the ones who used it excessively or used items etc as that is very different)
Your saying they are shit parents people you don't know and have never met
Not saying that its a shit method and people need to look back and think that wasn't ideal I wish I had known another way
You've labelled then and thats it , said to people on here they have shit parents etc [/quote]
Like I said, there was plenty of criticism and discussion for those who were prepared to think about it. But if you think about it, you don't do it.

It is a shit parenting technique that is never justified and always a failure. If you don't agree with that, I guess I won't persuade you. But it is. Pain and humiliation from a bigger person and supposed carer are not acceptable forms of communication and learning with children.

And it's more important that we recognise just what a shit technique it is, so that we don't go back, than that we pussyfoot around it so that your parents, who thought you could handle being smacked, don't have to handle hearing that they fucked up.

Born same year as you. Rare smack (only from DF). Rare as in - maybe 2 or 3 times in my lifetime where I think he lost his temper or felt I crossed a line.
Late 90s I remember seeing my cousin's Mum smack her as she deliberately ignored her and tried to run across a road. Mum caught up to her just in time, pulled her out of the traffic and smacked her bum. I could see then it was mainly from fear and high emotion and wouldn't have been too physically painful.
So that's the environment I grew up in in regards to smacking.
I have to say though the one time DF slapped me on the face, I was about 8 years old, absolutely crushed me. I was devastated for years. He's a lovely, sweet man but that changed a lot of how I viewed him and felt towards him as a child.
Physical reprimands for small transgressions/ones you were unaware of would have made you feel helpless, hypervigilent and shameful as a child I would imagine. These are deep things for little people to feel.

[quote worriedatthistime]@DrSbaitso people do use other techniques now though no one has said ok nowadays and that different methods have they , your twisting things
I think some parenting nowadays isn't great , those that show their kids no boundaries and allow them to run amock never hearing the word no,
Behaviour is worse in schools than it was when I was at school and they didn't use corporal punishment but kids had a lot more respect it seems[/quote]
Well that's an entirely separate issue that isn't even objectively and definitely true. If you dont think hitting kids is the way forward, I don't know why you're bringing this up.

I think violence is never acceptable ."Smacking" starts with a slap on the wrist .Child learns to accept it ,is hit harder the next time and so on .There is a very thin line between a smack and a hard whack. Children look to their DP for comfort . Many parents cannot cope with looking after DC day in day out . Get stressed and hit out .There is a well known link between poverty and child abuse .If men gave their wives a "smack " every time he was fed up ,we would be back in the middle ages when a "rule of thumb " meant that as long as a stick was no wider than their thumb it was acceptable for hitting said Wife! In a nearby town there is a "ducking Stool" where men would bring their wives for a "ducking " to bring her into line ! Bloody ghastly

It's interesting to see quite a few posters saying that either they deserved a smack and that they don't resent their parents for smacking them.

Not so long ago, a post like this would have generated replies that all smacking was terrible, it was just abuse and that parents should be ashamed etc.

But from reading the numerous threads about toddlers, children and teenagers who are apparently out of control, I think that smacking still has a place.

I remember a recent poster asking what she could do when her child just laughed at being put on the naughty step.

I am elderly now, but if my children had done that it would have been a smacking.

They grew up to be rational, sensible and empathetic people and have families of their own and we have a great relationship with them.

I’m not a smacker but I remember running away from my dad laughing my head off when he was trying to smack me, maybe 4or 5 times in my childhood and he never caught me!

I don’t smack my children ever but I appreciate I’m quite lax with my kids compared to others. The concerns I have is that smacking is replaced with verbal abuse. A smack is shit, don’t get me wrong but the anger that could have been a tap is more often than not now replaced with some kind of vile put down or disgusting abusive words. I see this in my job and I do wonder what’s best? (Obviously parents controlling themselves is best but that ain’t gunna happen overall is it?)

I think dwelling on it many years later isn’t particularly healthy.

I was occasionally smacked, my brother far more often. Have never done it myself and my anecdata is that my brother and I fought physically all the time and my children never fought physically.

I was born in 84 and was smacked maybe every 2 to 3 months? My mum was the "smack once and done" sort, but my dad would really go for it. It would be multiple hard smacks on the bum, with his hand, or mums slipper. Really painful, and I've never forgotten, or I'd say, completely forgiven. I know my older sister got the belt at least twice, but I never did. But I also know it irreparably damaged her relationship with him. She never forgave him.

Once, when I was in my mid-20s, dad threatened to slap me over something, can't even remember what, but I said something like, "If you even try that, I will walk out of here, and I swear to god, you'll never see me again." It completely took the wind out of his sails, and I think that's the first time he saw me as a full adult.

Years later I discovered he's suffered physical and sexual abuse at his private boys school as a young teen, and growing up he'd been starved of a lot of positive attention. The parenting he got was benign neglect at best. Clothed, fed and watered, but that's about it. Knowing all this went a long way to explaining some of his behaviours towards my sister and I as children.

I was also smacked. I think it was the done thing then. I have to say to say I probably needed it and no I don't have any long term psychological issues from it. It was just standard parenting then

Just wanted to add, that 99.9% of the time, he was a loving, fun, silly dad. But he had a side, for sure.

80s child and was smacked a lot, by my mum, who had a short temper. Red handprints across the backs of my legs often. It wasn’t so much the smacking that I think was most damaging though, I think it was the total inconsistency of what it was for. Sometimes basically over nothing. I think she did it to relieve her own frustrations mostly, so I had no clear boundaries or knowing where I stood, I lost respect completely and was a nightmare teenager.

My DH who is the same age was never smacked and had a huge respect for his parents.

I don’t know what it says about smacking but probably more memorable is DF calling me a stupid bitch, really aggressively, virtually spat it at me, when I was about 8.

There's something wrong with anyone who thinks it's ok to hit someone smaller than them, who they have power over - and who they say they love.

Whether it was 'normal' for the time or not is irrelevant on a personal level

Thank fuck we are evolving away from being the type of society that thinks hitting kids is ok.

DH born the same year as you and I was the year after. Both of us were smacked. I couldn’t imagine ever raising a hand to my kids and our parents have never smacked their grandchildren. I’m so pleased we’re moving past this as a form of discipline because I think it’s barbaric.

@zingally that's so sad, I'm really sorry

I was born in late 80s and experienced smacking throughout my childhood. Usually I was put over my Dad’s knee with pants pulled down and spanked on the bottom with a hand but sometimes with a stick my Dad kept for the purpose. I would also sometimes be hit with household objects like a chopping board, spoon etc over the head or on the back of the legs by both parents. I don’t remember how frequent it was but it was a common reaction to doing anything ‘naughty’ which could include accidents like spilling a drink or things like putting elbows on the table during dinner. I do still feel upset about it now as I don’t feel like this was normal in the 90s and most of my friends weren’t punished in this way.

I can't get my head around it being seen as acceptable years ago. I don't understand how a parent ever felt ok about physically hurting a child they love and who is dependent on them. I also find it a bit jarring to hear adults who would never dream of hitting their own child say my parents did xyz and we have a great relationship. I realise trying to understand others relationships is very difficult but that feels odd to me.