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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not what most fathers do

141 replies

again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:26

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 20:28

He’s selfish and horrible.

Don’t put up with someone who treats you and his child so poorly. Don’t.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2022 20:28

My husband, and my own father, and the husbands of my friends are not like this.

I have one person I know vaguely via a friend of a friend whose husband is like this. He once told her she was selfish for wanting to do a few laps in the pool herself when they all went swimming Hmm

Thankfully these type of men appear to be rare, in my own experiences.

What do you think you might do about this?

Buzztothemoon · 14/04/2022 20:29

No not normal - he’s being a dick. And worse he’s trying to pretend somehow that it’s you who’s being unreasonable. Nothing about it is ok or how a normal partner treats their other half.

LifeIsBusy · 14/04/2022 20:29
Hmm

How very odd.... Is it 1950?

TinLeaf · 14/04/2022 20:30

Not normal at all. Borderline abusive b

Hugasauras · 14/04/2022 20:30

No, he's a wanker and a useless dad and partner. The question is, what do you want to do about it? What kind of position are you in financially and practically, taking him out of the equation?

tirednewmumm · 14/04/2022 20:30

God no, my partner and I give each other time off because we recognise that parenting is hard. He actively wants to spend time with his son and looks forward to it. Your partner sounds like a dick

Rights · 14/04/2022 20:32

No, this is not remotely OK, OP. He is verbally abusive and is setting a vile example to your DD. Has he always been like this?

SheWoreYellow · 14/04/2022 20:32

He sounds horrible. What do you get out of the relationship?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/04/2022 20:33

He sounds abusive and it's not a phrase I throw around.

Mooloolabababy · 14/04/2022 20:33

No, he's an abusive shit. He's trying to make you feel bad for not taking your daughter to the shops so that he can get out of parenting without the guilt. It would never cross my dh's mind to say anything like that, he would happily have ds at home if I wanted to go to the shops.

HangOnToYourself · 14/04/2022 20:34

You are worth more than this

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2022 20:34

Abusive behaviour. He is in the wrong.

The best thing you could do for yourself and DD is to leave. I know that may seem scary and overwhelming. I don’t mean pack a bag and walk out this minute. But do make a plan. Womens aid can help you. Speak to them. 💐
Don’t doubt yourself. Your instincts are correct. Please act on them

Original poster
again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:34

Thank you for the replies. Yes, he's been like this for a good couple of years.
I'm thinking of leaving him in the future but I can't do anything yet.
It's the reason why I won't have another child, and it does make me sad.

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 14/04/2022 20:35

It's not normal op, no. My husband worked a 5 hour shift in a 999 call centre today. On the way home he went to sainsburys to buy family food and when he got home he helped with the cooking, played with our 3 and a half year old then put him to bed so I could breastfeed our newborn on the sofa. He then cuddled our baby while I finished my jobs for the day and now he's making me a cuppa. I asked him to do none of this, he offered to do it all. He's brilliant and don't let your DP convince you that his way is 'normal'. All my friends partners / husbands are hands on too so it's not just my dh.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/04/2022 20:36

Oh tell him to go fuck himself already.

Original poster
again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:37

@bakewellbride

Wow. I can't imagine what that is like!

OP posts:
Outlookmainlyfair · 14/04/2022 20:37

As pp says borderline abusive. On second thoughts - forget the borderline. Not normal, just horrid! Sorry you are dealing with this.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 14/04/2022 20:37

That is horrible. He sounds so selfish. Do not let this carry on he is taking the p*ss!! What a horrible person to say such nasty things

BingBangB0ng · 14/04/2022 20:38

This is very, very far from how my husband behaves.

Most days he comes home from work and immediately takes either the baby or the toddler. If the house is a mess, he often cleans up alone while I’m trying to settle the baby, sometimes he even goes to his office after that to do more work.

If I seem particularly shattered (night wakes is something that I do tend to do myself, for practical reasons not because he refuses) he often encourages me to go to sleep and let him load the dishwasher, hang the laundry up etc rather than doing it together.

I think I’m lucky he pulls his weight, but not that he does more than his fair share. We work as a team. I do various things to make his life easier and I don’t resent it because it works both ways ways.

Your husband sounds horrible and you deserve far, far better. A couple of hours alone to run some errands at the weekend is hardly a big ask. It’s disgusting he thinks he can refuse you that. Especially as you say he has childless free time himself. Complete scumbag.

MolliciousIntent · 14/04/2022 20:39

Well, yes, other dads do go to the pub - my DH is at the pub now. However, he put the toddler to bed first and made sure I have a delicious dinner and plenty of snacks I can eat one-handed while cluster feeding our newborn, and will sleep on the sofa when he gets in so he doesn't disturb us, and will get up with the toddler tomorrow even if he's hanging. So I think your DH is just a dick.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 20:40

He is fucking awful. Leave him as soon as humanly possible, before your daughter is impacted by his abuse.

greenlynx · 14/04/2022 20:40

My DH goes to pub very occasionally with colleagues when it’s some sort of event, the same other friends.

He’s probably right, divorced dads go to pub a lot to find some company because there is no one at home. It seems where he is aiming.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2022 20:41

Plan to leave.

Not normal.

feministqueen · 14/04/2022 20:41

He is a dick. The only way men like that continue to get away with it is because they're not challenged on it. Stop doing things that directly impact him. When he says it's messy, agree with him. Ask him when he plans to tidy it up. And so on.

I'm furious for you but sorry you're not in a position to leave yet. Don't let him push you around c