To think this is not what most fathers do

[again2020]

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

You're not asking for enough. You ar e worth more than this. It is not normal. He sounds awful. I would plan to be able to leave. Have you got any savings?

Ok, so it's established and you've agreed that he's abhorrent.

Next bit now.

Why can't you leave him?

What a horrible selfish prick. Most fathers in 1960 went to the pub, not 2022. Back in the real world fathers don't finish work and go to the pub, they come home and get stuck in with looking after their kids or cooking the evening meal. I can't believe he called you lazy, there's only one lazy person in all this and it certainly isn't you!. I wouldn't put up with this, even if you look after your daughter 2 days a week, that doesn't mean it excuses him from looking after her outside of his working hours or pulling his weight around the house.

Save every penny. Leave. I could not live like this.

Leave now ffs. Your no better off staying unless you know something we don't like a massive inheritance or anything so just make your plans and go.

My marriage isn't great as in we are not sleeping Together but we are still battling on for it and being decent people but your DH isn't.

Get rid.

No OP, you shouldn’t not have to put up with this. My DIL expects my DS to share everything to do with the household and children. And quite right too.

YANBU OP - you and your daughter deserve better. That is no way to live.

You're very sensible to not plan more children with him. Please listen to the advice on here from those who have been there too.

He’s making you life harder not better. Absolutely inadequate as a husband and father, he’s just pathetic.

I love spending time with my 4 year old dd, shes a ray of sunshine in my life. but she can be exhausting, and and needs both me and dp to take turns. everyone needs time with the kids and time for themselves. i cannot imagine how you can cope any other way. His busy work is not an excuse. work tiredness and childcare tiredness are different types, i can come home knackered from work and be happy to de stress by playing daft games with dd. but after a whole weekend of playing barbies, im ready to escape back to work on monday.

No. He's a wanker.

Thanks everyone.
He has been like this since we had DD (not before or I would have broken up with him).
Can't leave due to fear really, and pressure from other family members. As a matter of fact my partner is quite well off and I'd be poor on my own. My daughter would be sad and I'm scared of us splitting and her wanted to live with her Dad (some may say this is unlikely but I've seen it happen with people I know IRL). He's also said if we ever split up he'd either never pay me maintenance or make it so I'd have to pay maintenance 🙄. Nightmare.
I'm 37, i can't see me being able to have another child with someone else as too old to start again. Plus even if that happened he'd tried to hunt me down anyway. Wish I was joking.
I do plan to leave in a few years when my daughter is old enough to see what he is like and understand we would be better on our own. Does this make me a terrible mother?

You don't have to live like this. He doesn't sound as if he even likes you let alone loves you. Best get going and not waste anymore time on this oxygen thief x

Contact the CMS and see where you stand.

Book in for a solicitor and see where you stand.

Then go from there.

So he’s not eating your shit tea? He makes his own meals from now on. I’d say he’s an altogether shit person.

Go now and don't look back She is young and it will be easier for her to adjust now to a new life than if you wait. Then it would be wait until secondary, then gcses and then A levels and then you'd be 50 and starting again. Go now at 37 and live your life.

My dad was a bit like that 50+ years ago because that was the norm. I swore I would never put up with that behaviour. My DH of 40 years has always done his share. When DD was born he used to get up at night when she woke, bring her to me for feeding and then change and settle her so I could rest. He has done all of the cooking since we married and I do other household stuff - bills etc. I did school drop offs and he did pick ups from childminder/grandma etc. As years progressed we both attended DD’s hobbies etc.

Your DH husband needs to get real. I would never tell somebody else what to do as every relationship is different . However he is wrong in his behaviour which is out of order.

@again2020

Thanks everyone. He has been like this since we had DD (not before or I would have broken up with him). Can't leave due to fear really, and pressure from other family members. As a matter of fact my partner is quite well off and I'd be poor on my own. My daughter would be sad and I'm scared of us splitting and her wanted to live with her Dad (some may say this is unlikely but I've seen it happen with people I know IRL). He's also said if we ever split up he'd either never pay me maintenance or make it so I'd have to pay maintenance 🙄. Nightmare. I'm 37, i can't see me being able to have another child with someone else as too old to start again. Plus even if that happened he'd tried to hunt me down anyway. Wish I was joking. I do plan to leave in a few years when my daughter is old enough to see what he is like and understand we would be better on our own. Does this make me a terrible mother?

Sounds like you're willing to allow yourself and your daughter to suffer abuse for a few years just to prove to her she shouldn't want to live with him. That could backfire spectacularly.

Grow up. And grow a pair.

Jeepers OP, sorry to hear.

I'm a father, run my own business and often do 50-60 hour weeks. My wife works part time but I still take my eldest to sixth form most days and do housework etc. It's definitely not normal. I agree with those saying his behaviour is abusive.

Do you have any access to his business accounts? If he runs a ltd company, his financials will be available online. Not sure if he's a sole trader but is worth collating any info you can get for future reference.

I can't believe how easy it is not to pay maintenance but you need to speak to a specialist to see how best to get what you deserve, when you LTB. All the best.

A couple of responses to your most recent post...
*your dd won't be sad, ultimately the sooner you leave the better for her
*the family members have zero say in your life
*he won't get maintenance off you, he won't even get her 50/50 as then he couldn't work and wouldn't want that. He's using that as a stick to beat you with
*I hope someone will be along soon for you who knows about finances and richer partners. Married it's a bit easier.

He sounds horrible.

I'm a military brat and my DF worked long, stressful hours. The minute he was home he was spending time with me, cooking, laundry, doing his share.

These men that aren't arsed then wonder why they've got shit relationships with their children.

Is it because he earns the money he thinks he can be waited on and disengage?

The ones who are wankers behave like this

Also OP, you write: As a matter of fact my partner is quite well off and I'd be poor on my own

Well may I say, as a matter of fact you do an injustice to the many many brave women on here who have removed their children from abusive relationships despite the risks and realities of being financially poor as a result. You are implying that it's just not possible for YOU to face being poor.

What is your definition of poor and on what grounds do you believe your wealthy partner would be able to claim maintenance from you?

If you have cause to seriously believe that he would 'hunt you down' and what? Kill you? Then you need to get away from him safely even more urgently. He sounds dangerous. You and your daughter need protection.

@again2020

Thank you for the replies. Yes, he's been like this for a good couple of years. I'm thinking of leaving him in the future but I can't do anything yet. It's the reason why I won't have another child, and it does make me sad.

You might have another child, just not with him.

A better life out there. Plan it. Do it. I wish you the best of everything xx

Definitely start documenting the things he says and does to you (which are absolutely abusive), speak to woman’s aid, a solicitor and really start getting your ducks in a row (to coin a well worn MN expression)