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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not what most fathers do

141 replies

again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:26

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:41

Its good to hear a lot of Mnetters have much better other halves.
I didn't think it was normal but I have no one to talk to IRL.

OP posts:
BingBangB0ng · 14/04/2022 20:44

@again2020 are you scared of him? What would happen if you just said no, I’m going out for a couple of hours to run these arrands and I’m leaving the 4-year-old with you? Do you trust him with her?

Merryoldgoat · 14/04/2022 20:46

@bakewellbride

It's not normal op, no. My husband worked a 5 hour shift in a 999 call centre today. On the way home he went to sainsburys to buy family food and when he got home he helped with the cooking, played with our 3 and a half year old then put him to bed so I could breastfeed our newborn on the sofa. He then cuddled our baby while I finished my jobs for the day and now he's making me a cuppa. I asked him to do none of this, he offered to do it all. He's brilliant and don't let your DP convince you that his way is 'normal'. All my friends partners / husbands are hands on too so it's not just my dh.
My husband is exactly like this.

Just bathed the toddler, did bedtime snacks and is putting older boy to bed shortly.

frostedfruits · 14/04/2022 20:49

My ex also used to make me think I had a good deal because he didn't hit me, verbally abuse me or play video games all day. He did however ignore me, tell lies about me, constantly put his needs before our child's, lie to me and rarely come home.

He's now my ex. I now have a truly wonderful thoughtful partner who knocks spots off him in every way possible.

Ditch him!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 14/04/2022 20:50

No it's not normal and believe me it doesn't get any better

Make plans to leave ASAP, your life will improve massively

Just10moreminutesplease · 14/04/2022 20:52

No, it’s absolutely not normal. You and your daughter deserve so much better Flowers.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 14/04/2022 20:56

No, not normal at all.

And trying to make you believe it’s normal and that you’re in some way lucky to have whatever crumbs he’s willing to throw you is abusive behaviour.

ddl1 · 14/04/2022 20:57

No, not normal. Not nowadays anyway. He is not only selfish, but self-righteous about being selfish.

SingleMomDevon · 14/04/2022 20:57

@again2020

Its good to hear a lot of Mnetters have much better other halves. I didn't think it was normal but I have no one to talk to IRL.
Id be tempted to tell him you've got a weekend job so he'll have to look after your DD! That means you can do your errands on your lunch break. That'd put the fear of god in him lol
Original poster
again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:57

@BingBangB0ng

I have done it in the past. He left my daughter on her tablet for 3 hours straight (I'm not saying there is any wrong with that but personally I think its too much) and she was covered in chocolate and there were dirty clothes everywhere and plates and food wrappers all over the place.
I'm not a clean freak but he seems incapable of keeping some sort of order. If that was me of course, he'd hit the roof 🙄

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 14/04/2022 20:58

No, most fathers don't so this at all, leave him, and don't wait! You deserve to have a happy stress free life with your little girl. Think about how this will make.your daughter view relationships, she will think this is normal and will likely replicate it when she gets older Flowers

Popcornriver · 14/04/2022 20:59

And what jobs does he do on his days off OP? You both work but you do the cooking, childcare and cleaning. He's accused you of being lazy and took himself to bed to watch TV all because you needed a couple of hours to run errands. Where's your free time to chill in bed and watch TV?

Sexnotgender · 14/04/2022 21:00

He’s a lazy arse shitebag. No most fathers don’t do that.

Totheweekend · 14/04/2022 21:04

OP this is a lovely example of how it should be - feeling like a team and that you are both aligned and committed.

Totheweekend · 14/04/2022 21:04

@bakewellbride

It's not normal op, no. My husband worked a 5 hour shift in a 999 call centre today. On the way home he went to sainsburys to buy family food and when he got home he helped with the cooking, played with our 3 and a half year old then put him to bed so I could breastfeed our newborn on the sofa. He then cuddled our baby while I finished my jobs for the day and now he's making me a cuppa. I asked him to do none of this, he offered to do it all. He's brilliant and don't let your DP convince you that his way is 'normal'. All my friends partners / husbands are hands on too so it's not just my dh.
I meant to quote this!
Whatever00 · 14/04/2022 21:05

Tell him to fuck off. You are entitled to time for yourself. When is your downtime? Do you have any?

My DH moans lots but he is currently food shopping. He did breakfast and left me in bed this morning. He helps with bath and bedtime if he is home from work. He does the bins, recycling ect. He will take the kids out occasionally to give me a break.

Comedycook · 14/04/2022 21:06

So he expects you to be out of the house whilst also cleaning the house? Hmm

Ponderingwindow · 14/04/2022 21:06

Normal dads do the housework, make tea, take the 4 year old so you can run errands, and plan weekend activities with their children or for the family.

It’s always a good idea to ask yourself if you would want your daughter to marry someone like her father. If the answer is no, then don’t let her think the behavior is acceptable by staying quiet and living with it.

Sushi7 · 14/04/2022 21:06

If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
Fathers look after their dc and spend quality time with them. Sperm donors just create dc. He might as well go to the pub because even when he is home, he isn’t doing housework or looking after his Dd.

You need to leave before your Dd grows up thinking relationships like this are normal. You don’t want her to fall into a toxic relationship when she’s older.

Notbluepeter · 14/04/2022 21:08

He sounds like a tool. But I'll play devil's advocate here. Does your partner ever have days where he is parenting alone? My DH wasn't great about housework until our DS arrived. A few days alone caring for our DS, plus running a household was enough for him to massively up his game. He pitches in equally in every way, we split our annual leave so we both can cover child care separately. We are a partnership.

ScrubUpWellInMySundayBest · 14/04/2022 21:09

No, not normal. If I said that about needing to go shopping on my own his answer would have been ‘yeah that’s fine, go in the morning’. He’s never ever refused to eat anything I’ve cooked either, even when it genuinely is a bit shit. He’s not perfect, I have to ask for what I need, he never just does it but he always does if I ask.

Hotfootit · 14/04/2022 21:09

My husband goes to the pub with his friends every other Thursday (he’s not there tonight as he cooked dinner for the family and we all ate together - he’s been away on business for 5 days snd missed us).
On the other Thursday I go to the pub with my friends.
We’ve done this since our now 16DS was born. This is normal amongst my friends.

Mellowyellow222 · 14/04/2022 21:09

I am interested in how you came to be in a relationship and have a child with someone this horrible.

Was he ever a decent human being? Did he gradually become sexist and selfish? Did he pretend to be normal until the relationship was established?

Sorry but I hear accounts of these awful awful people and wonder how their partners ever fell for them.

laalaaland · 14/04/2022 21:09

The name calling is just horrible and abusive.
You made a perfectly reasonable request, he could have simply said no. Instead he called you names and criticised you to really put the boot in, then swanned off apparently 'sulking' as you have 'spoken terribly' to him.
You need to have a proper, calm conversation with him about how you feel and what you need from the relationship. Please don't just put up with this.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 21:10

In your shoes, I'd hope I found the strength to be single.