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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is not what most fathers do

141 replies

again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:26

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

OP posts:

BreakinbadBreakineven · 14/04/2022 22:30

I've sent you a PM @again2020

CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 22:30

He is fucking awful. Seriously, dump his sorry, lazy arse.

Fulmine · 14/04/2022 22:32

He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her

So how about him stepping up to the plate and taking her out to shops?
Even better, when he goes for his run? If he uses a sling, that's extra bonus weight training as well.

And how is not taking her "pandering to her"? I suspect that if anything she'd be delighted to have any form of outing. What it is pandering to, if anything, is your perfectly reasonable wish to be able to get out to the shops and do other errands without being hampered by having to manoeuvre the buggy, find somewhere to change nappies etc etc.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 14/04/2022 22:34

His behaviour is controlling, if you leave your DD to go out he will make sure that you feel terrible when you return so you never do it again. This is an awful relationship. Note how he created an argument to make you never ask this of him again. He belittled you, criticised you and then left you and his DD alone.

And no, my Dh would never do this. He would relish time alone with his child, has done that since Ds1 was born. Even takes them individually on trips to the shops or a tip run so he has one on one time with them even though they are nearly 19 and 16!

All the whole I won't pay maintenance and you'll be paying me is the panic of a man who is scared of losing his housekeeper, the maker of meals, the default childcare person. You do deserve better. Maybe look into counselling for yourself, never advisable with someone like him to do it together. Look at making plans to exit this marriage and I am not one to knee jerk say leave the bastard. But what good qualities do you think he has?

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 22:41

@again2020

Thanks everyone. He has been like this since we had DD (not before or I would have broken up with him). Can't leave due to fear really, and pressure from other family members. As a matter of fact my partner is quite well off and I'd be poor on my own. My daughter would be sad and I'm scared of us splitting and her wanted to live with her Dad (some may say this is unlikely but I've seen it happen with people I know IRL). He's also said if we ever split up he'd either never pay me maintenance or make it so I'd have to pay maintenance 🙄. Nightmare. I'm 37, i can't see me being able to have another child with someone else as too old to start again. Plus even if that happened he'd tried to hunt me down anyway. Wish I was joking. I do plan to leave in a few years when my daughter is old enough to see what he is like and understand we would be better on our own. Does this make me a terrible mother?

How much of this is what the lied /threatened you with? You need to speak to someone impartial and find out exactly what you are entitled to. What your rights are.

Your DD barely knows him,you do everything for her , she won't go and leave with him. Why would she be sad when her father doesn't want to spend time with her? It's good that you have a plan, the more aware she will be of his words,actions,treatment of you. That won't be good for her.

It sounds like besides being useless and opting out of parenthood,he's also controlling and threatening you.

You can give women's aid a call/email and go from there.

NickyT64 · 14/04/2022 22:48

I don’t want to sound over-dramatic or judgemental here but I have to confess that reading your post has left me feeling quite disturbed and worried for you. To be told they’re not going to eat the “shit” meal you’ve made for them is abusive behaviour. I’m so sorry you are having to live like this.
My other worry is that when I voted YANBU I noticed 2% had said the poster was being unreasonable. Who possibly could think the dad was in order speaking to his wife like that????

bellamountain · 14/04/2022 22:59

@CrowAndArrow

He is fucking awful. Seriously, dump his sorry, lazy arse.

Agreed. There isn't even a glimmer of hope in your post OP.

ProudMary79 · 14/04/2022 23:00

Get out of the relationship as fast as you can. Life is way to short to he with someone who treats you like this and talks down to you this way is not a husband. If any of the women in my family or my daughter ended up with a man like this I'd do everything I could to get them away. Horrible man. Wishing you lots of luck and I hope you're dad has a good birthday

Original poster

again2020 · 14/04/2022 23:04

I'm not scared of being single, I think finances could work out eventually and I'd get over family members falling out with me. I've long since fallen out of any kind of love for him.
What I couldn't get over is loosing custody of my DD. Despite everything DD adores her dad and vies for his attention. As I say I know women in real life who had daddy's girl daughters and who chose their dad after a split. To me it would be terrifying.
I also genuinely think my partner could track me if I moved house. He's made references before about being able to clone my phone and putting trackers on my car (he's an IT and technology whizz) so I'd fear he'd find me if I left. Dd has just got into school locally so I couldn't get far. I'm not making excuses these are very real reasons. How do you get round this?

OP posts:

Fadeout83 · 14/04/2022 23:05

This guy is never going to step up, the cycle of abuse will continue and in most likelihood get worse for you and your daughter, since you say he would hunt you down if you left.

You need to get your child out of this situation. Being “poor”, whatever that means, is miles better than growing up learning this behaviour is ok and probably the best she can expect for herself in the future.

A bit of tough love here - pull your finger out and leave, if not for yourself then for your kid. His threats are just threats. There is no way he will get her even if she WANTS to live with him. Document his behaviour and get out of there.

Fadeout83 · 14/04/2022 23:05

Oh and you obviously know that this isn’t normal and suspect you’re posting to get validation you need that he’s an abusive man and you need to leave. There is lots of validation here. Leave.

GalactatingGoddess · 14/04/2022 23:10

OP I think it would be easier to leave now rather than when she's older (you've said you want to wait till she's older so she can see) plus it's more time for you both to suffer further abuse.

Also, she will have a skewered model of a relationship so may not see anything wrong as it's all she knows/she has to put up in an abusive home for more years.

It's not easy, so it's not a light decision, but it is doable

saleorbouy · 14/04/2022 23:14

He's a selfish, moody idiot.
As a father I get kids ready for school, make packed lunches, take them there, go to work, collect from after school. Drop off at evening activities 3 days a week. Do the shopping while kids are in classes( twice a week). Make dinner 5 nights a week.
My OH works also and attends Uni two days p/w so has alot of study and assignments at the moment.
He needs to pull his finger out!

WonderfulYou · 14/04/2022 23:17

What I couldn't get over is loosing custody of my DD. Despite everything DD adores her dad and vies for his attention. As I say I know women in real life who had daddy's girl daughters and who chose their dad after a split.

Your DD is 4.

At the very most he’d have 50/50 custody but if he works FT this probably won’t be good for him anyway.

You say he won’t look after her when you run errands for a couple of hours so I very much doubt he’d go for 50/50.

Original poster

again2020 · 14/04/2022 23:17

@saleorbuoy
I've only read about men like that in books!!
It's great you are so supportive especially while your other half is studying.

OP posts:

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 14/04/2022 23:21

What a twat he is.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2022 23:25

It really is better to leave now OP. Please speak to womens aid to talk through your options.

Kids are programmed to adore their parents. Even kids who are neglected. It doesn’t mean living with their parents is the right thing for them

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 14/04/2022 23:25

I also genuinely think my partner could track me if I moved house. He's made references before about being able to clone my phone and putting trackers on my car (he's an IT and technology whizz) so I'd fear he'd find me if I left. Dd has just got into school locally so I couldn't get far. I'm not making excuses these are very real reasons. How do you get round this?

I am sorry but these are excuses. DD school is neither here nor there at her age. If he harasses you there are laws and agencies to help you with that. Staying to be abused further because he may do something if you leave just does not make sense.

tensmum1964 · 14/04/2022 23:30

I've seen many women stay with men as equally vile as yours because of the fear of losing custody of their child or children. In reality men like him almost never fight for custody. If he can't even be bothered to spend a couple of hours with his child why would he fight for them full time. Abusive men like him use that type of fear tactic on women because its all they have and sadly they know it works. He has managed to convince you that he is powerful enough to hunt you down, get custody etc. Take his power away and leave the bastard. If you are really frightened then take your daughter to a womens aid in a different city if need be. You will find support there and staff and women to give you strength. Your daughter is only 4, school isn't important at this age. You will find another school eventually. Don't let him be the reason your daughter grows up.and finds herself in a similar situation because it is normal to her. Show your daughter that you are a strong woman (you will be eventually) who refuses to live with an abuser.

BoredZelda · 14/04/2022 23:41

Borderline abusive

Borderline? 🤔

MummyJasmin · 14/04/2022 23:41

He's a dick, and a very controlling one at that.

Definitely not normal.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/04/2022 23:51

No it’s not normal.

You don’t have to live like this, and of course it’s not a good environment for you daughter.

Can you start planning to leave? First job is gather all your financial info and go see a solicitor. That will give you an idea of how assets will be divided, so you can plan properly.

Gagaandgag · 14/04/2022 23:58

Please plan to leave. You deserve a better life. Sending love x

tensmum1964 · 14/04/2022 23:59

@BoredZelda

Borderline abusive

Borderline? 🤔

My thoughts exactly.

Original poster

again2020 · 15/04/2022 00:02

Thank you everyone, for your kind words and for giving me a lot to think about.

I'm going to look at women's aid and entitledto

Goodnight x

OP posts:

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