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Original poster

To think this is not what most fathers do

141 replies

again2020 · 14/04/2022 20:26

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 14/04/2022 21:11

You say you have noone to talk to in RL?

Is that because you have no support net work (family/friends) or because you are embarrassed to say it? If you do have someone start talking in RL, it is the first step to facing it and realising how he is treating you is unacceptable.

hangrylady · 14/04/2022 21:11

He's a horrible shit. I'm not going to come on here and pretend my husband is perfect he is far from it, but this is abusive IMO.

ldontWanna · 14/04/2022 21:12

He's a dick. OH work away a lot so he's not really around much.
He doesn't give a shit what state the house is in. If something needs doing he'll do it himself especially if he has some days off. Blitz everything from top to bottom.

I rarely cook for him(even when he is at home). He's always grateful and says thank you. If he's not in the mood for my cooking he sorts himself out.

He's normally at home just Saturday and Sunday. One day he does the food shop, might go to the pub, sort his shit out , sometimes goes out with DD etc. Then in the evening we play board games as a family,eat together,watch a movie ,whatever just hang out.
Sundays are his and DD days. They go out for a few hours doing various things to give me a break, spend 1 to 1 time together and put the world to rights. That only changes if we have plans together as a family. It's harder for him to take time off if DD is off school,so I do the most of it (or other arrangements) but he has done it and will if I ask.

If he's around he's a fully functional adult and parent most of the times. I say most because sometimes he has lazy/rest days too just like I do.

That's normal. One of us being lazy sometimes,or a bit of a dick but overall we know we can count on each other and we are both parents and adults capable to deal with most things that life throws at us.

TokyoTen · 14/04/2022 21:13

Sorry but going to the pub and leaving your family in the evening is not normal.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 14/04/2022 21:15

He’s selfish and horrible.
Don’t put up with someone who treats you and his child so poorly. Don’t.

This OP. That behaviour is not normal at all. He's selfish, and sounds like a misogynistic pig to me. He clearly has outdated ideas about men and women and who does what. I doubt he will change. This is the beginning of the end of your relationship, i think. Otherwise you will be so downtrodden. Please do not have any more children with this awful man.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 14/04/2022 21:16

No that's not what most men would do. Not in my circle. I know a few men I'd classify as fairly useless, but most are not spiteful so. TBH your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

Underfrighter · 14/04/2022 21:17

Not at all normal.

I am off fridays with my child. My husband gets them breakfast so I can have a bit of a lie in. Then I take over and we go out. He finishes work early so he can drop my eldest at an activity and then picks them up while I cook dinner. Sometimes I go out and he does the logistics of the activity while looking after the 4 year old and doing dinner as well.

Basically we are both doing something in general but both have the same amount of leisure time. There is no 'men do x and women are expected to do y'

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 14/04/2022 21:18

You and your daughter really deserve so much better OP. He sounds vile and misogynistic. As pp have said parenting is a team effort. Our 2 year old DS was up from 1am -2:30am, I went in with him as DH works in construction so needs a full nights sleep. DS woke up at 5:30, DH takes over so I can catch up on some sleep before he leaves for work at 8:30. When I got up DS was fed, washed and dressed, then I did the nursery run. That’s how it’s supposed to be, not you doing all of the parenting alone.

Sending you 💐

Fixyourself · 14/04/2022 21:19

No me and my partner share all parenting and house work duties. And he works more than me.

lovesT · 14/04/2022 21:19

No, sorry that's awful 😥 my husband isn't perfect but he wouldn't abandon be to do everything and wouldn't leave me to go to the pub. He's being selfish and obviously doesn't understand the day to day things you do and how much time things take.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 14/04/2022 21:24

If my partner even did half of the shit you’ve just mentioned he’d be out quicker than he could blink!

Dogknowsbest · 14/04/2022 21:26

To give you context. My "DH" used to do something similar - we were kicked out of the house between 9 and 4 every day. Out of the whole 7 days we would only spend Saturday and Sunday afternoon together. It became so exhausting, I was ill all the time and my GP didn't have a clue what was causing my range of illnesses.

Until I divorced him it didn't get better. Some men just aren't designed to be in a close family unit. I'm not going to tell you to take the same path but you really need to be aware of how this relationship is affecting your mental and physical health.

Comtesse · 14/04/2022 21:26

He sounds like an arsehole to me OP sorry. How completely unreasonable for him to look after his own child for a few hours!! It doesn’t have to be this way.

NurseBernard · 14/04/2022 21:26

I don’t know a single man like this.

Your husband is an unmitigated arsehole.

I can only assume your sex life is dead and buried, six feet under (because who could possibly want to have sex with such a man?).

Does it not occur to him to wonder, for one tiny second, why this might be?

glebaisaword · 14/04/2022 21:26

My ex was similar to this, controlling and neglectful of our dc. Have you checked what you might get on entitledto website? I stayed far longer than I had to as I didn't realise I could get Universal Credit as well as child maintenance off him - I thought it was either/or which wasn't livable. Picture what your dc is learning from seeing this dynamic and picture your life like this for the next X years, it's not worth putting up with him treating you like that if there's a way out. For me it was only finances holding me to him, I knew whatever love we'd had was gone because when a partner treats you like that it's very hard to feel anything for them. It sounds like you might be realising similar.

Dontknowwhattodo99 · 14/04/2022 21:30

Woman’s Aid will offer some emotional snd practical support for you to leave….wishing you all the very best and sorry that your husband is such an arsehole, you will be so much better off without him when you get there….🌺🌻

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 14/04/2022 21:30

Definitely not normal op. Sorry your dh is such a dick. While I could understand if he said sorry I can't mind dd tmro as I'm working/got calls scheduled all day I would expect him to say run in tomorrow evening/on Sat morning if you want to go by yourself. This isn't normal. And if my husband ever said im.not eating your shit tea, he would never be made a breakfast/lunch/dinner/tea ever again.

For context, we have 3 dd's. This morning I lay on til 10am (we are off this week) dh lay in on Tuesday. Then we watched a movie, I did baths while he dressed baby and brought her down and made lunch while I dressed other 2. Ate lunch, he had a job to do and brought baby with him, I did a medical claim while older dd's played, he had an appt so I made dinner, he cleaned up after dinner then we brought 3 dd's up to bed and now he's making a cup of tea. For a lazy day we still shared the jobs. The only thing he can't do as equally as I do is the dd's hairs. Otherwise we are fairly equal.

Thats a shit situation you are in OP.and I just couldn't stand for it. Nas he always been like this? Or is it.pressure from work (im not excusing it as we both have stressful jobs) is there a particular reason? As if so it could be salvaged, if not then definitely plan for getting out. You don't need 2 children to look after you need an equal partner. Best of luck OP.

littlepeas · 14/04/2022 21:31

My dad was like this. Leave. I wish my mum had.

WonderfulYou · 14/04/2022 21:31

I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands.

What will he doing whilst you run errands?

You have 2 days off a week which means you get to spend quality time with your DD.
Most partners would be envious of this and take every opportunity to have some quality time with their child themselves.

My friend/colleague works FT and his wife is a SAHM.
As soon as he gets home he takes over childcare and puts them to bed etc. On the weekend they’ll either do things as a family or he’ll have the kids by himself. Not because it’s fair but because he wants to.

You say you want to leave him but can’t. Why is this?

Honestly if you want another child you need to think very carefully about finding a new relationship which will mean you can have one or staying in this relationship for X amount of years and never having that chance again.

Even if you don’t want another child I think you will regret staying in an unhappy relationship.
Ask every single person who has ever left an unhappy relationship and they’ll tell you they wished they left sooner.

BingBangB0ng · 14/04/2022 21:32

@again2020 strategic incompetence then. I’m really sorry this is what you’re lumbered with, neither you nor your daughter deserve it

RosiePosieDozy · 14/04/2022 21:33

No, not normal. He's an awful dad and husband.

buckeejit · 14/04/2022 21:34

I hope you're ok. That's shit.

My dh would never speak to me like that. Most fathers would not do that. Most half decent ones. You need equal downtime. Why isn't he involved in the activities?

Herejustforthisone · 14/04/2022 21:35

He sounds abusive.

Make your plans. Don’t let him damage your daughter.

Quatrophoenix · 14/04/2022 21:35

You have read the replies OP. You have your answer. Now, start thinking about the practicalities of ending this 'partnership.'

Do you rent or own? Who's name is on the rental? Do you have a joint account? Savings? Are you in the UK? What family/friends support can you muster?

Presumably dd starts primary in September... you can then up your hours, find a bit of childcare using government hours. Claim UC perhaps....

get your thinking cap on and get real.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2022 21:36

Do you want to leave him? (you should)