To think this is not what most fathers do

[again2020]

Sorry, I'm ranting. But...

My partner runs his own business. He has lots of meetings in the mornings . I don't work Thursdays or Fridays so have our DD (4) on these days. We do often go out a fair bit...park, softplay, playdates etc. I take her out of his way for 4 to 5 hours so he can work. As soon as we get home he goes for a run. I make our tea and her tea, I'm a little stressed today as didn't get a chance to do errands. Its my dad's birthday on Monday and I haven't got a card or gift yet. I try to talk to partner about having a couple of hours to myself tomorrow to sort errands. He says no, I'm lazy, I'm teaching my daughter bad habits by not taking her to the shops I want to go to and pandering to her. Bear in mind I have planned activities for her this weekend and many he's not involved in so he gets time to himself.
I get a little annoyed.
He goes in kitchen, complains about the house being a mess and saying he's not eating my shit tea as I've spoken to him terribly.
He leaves me with DD, tons of housework and goes to bed to watch TV. That'll be it for the day.
If I ever question it he says most fathers would go to the pub.
This isn't normal is it? Do other fathers do this?
This isn't unusual in my life by the way. I'm just wondering if im asking too much.

At best, he’s a useless sack of shit. He’s also a bad father and at the very least, borderline abusive. He isn’t normal at all. You can do better and so can your daughter.

Can't leave due to fear really, and pressure from other family members. As a matter of fact my partner is quite well off and I'd be poor on my own. My daughter would be sad and I'm scared of us splitting and her wanted to live with her Dad (some may say this is unlikely but I've seen it happen with people I know IRL). He's also said if we ever split up he'd either never pay me maintenance or make it so I'd have to pay maintenance 🙄. Nightmare.
I'm 37, i can't see me being able to have another child with someone else as too old to start again. Plus even if that happened he'd tried to hunt me down anyway. Wish I was joking.
I do plan to leave in a few years when my daughter is old enough to see what he is like and understand we would be better on our own. Does this make me a terrible mother?

Fear or what or whom?

You don't need permission from family members to protect your child from an abusive man.

Your child will not get a say in who she lives with at her age.

You will not have to pay maintenance.
Take a little time to gain access to his business records. Find out his business finances, turnover, profit, his income.
Everything he is saying to you about maintenance is coercive control, which is a crime.

Your fears about him hunting you down if you were to ever develop a relationship with someone else and have a baby - why do you believe this about him?

The person she lives with will be you because you are responsible for most of her day to day care.

Your DD vies for her father's attention because she knows which way the wind blows in your house. The abuse is already affecting her. Leave sooner rather than later before he damages her even more. It takes a lot of therapy for children of a monster like your H to become the people they should be, and even with therapy they will always feel the effects.

You are not a terrible mother. You are a woman involved with a man who has abused you emotionally and psychologically for years (and possibly also physically?) and whose only interest in the marriage is to abuse you more. You are a victim of coercive control. The ultimate aim of abuse is to convince the victim that she has no option but to stay and suffer.

You need help, and help is available, but you have to take the step of reaching out and asking for it.

You need to call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Contact this organisation:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/

You need to find out the particulars of your H's business finances.
You need to start making plans to divorce.

You can do this.

yes he is a dick.

Yes he may be able to chase for shared residency (or what ever the current poncy name is for shared care). I was married to probably the only father in the world who really bothered to do that, just so he didn't have to pay maintenance. Our DC hate it, hate the life they lead with him. My ex thinks he's won. Guess what he hasn't - I have a great life and our DC wont be seeing him for dust once he doesn't force them too.

So don't hide behind excuses.

Lazy, selfish git. He doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you. Hopefully that won't be for much longer.

No, this is not normal - it's completely unreasonable behaviour. Selfish and abusive.

@again2020

I'm not scared of being single, I think finances could work out eventually and I'd get over family members falling out with me. I've long since fallen out of any kind of love for him. What I couldn't get over is loosing custody of my DD. Despite everything DD adores her dad and vies for his attention. As I say I know women in real life who had daddy's girl daughters and who chose their dad after a split. To me it would be terrifying. I also genuinely think my partner could track me if I moved house. He's made references before about being able to clone my phone and putting trackers on my car (he's an IT and technology whizz) so I'd fear he'd find me if I left. Dd has just got into school locally so I couldn't get far. I'm not making excuses these are very real reasons. How do you get round this?

Since this is where you stand right now... I'd take the financial security, but otherwise live as though you are a single parent. Take care of you and DD. Cook for, clean up after, do laundry for, etc. Take her with you or find childcare when you need time for yourself (make note....this may mean you don't get alone time...I am a single mom of 3 with no support system, so I know). If you have an extra bedroom or something,make a spot for you to sleep and have a TV and chair so you can have a little spot of your own. Start saving money...open an account just for you...if you choose an online bank, you won't get mail to worry about him seeing. Being a single parent is hard as fuck, I won't pretend it's a breeze. That said....I don't ever worry about resentment. I have to do everything because it's just me. I can't imagine the anger, sadness, disappointment, etc I'd feel if there was someone who SHOULD be helping me but isn't. So if I were you, I'd get rid of the resentment by removing the one causing it. Best of luck to you OP

@again2020

I'm not scared of being single, I think finances could work out eventually and I'd get over family members falling out with me. I've long since fallen out of any kind of love for him. What I couldn't get over is loosing custody of my DD. Despite everything DD adores her dad and vies for his attention. As I say I know women in real life who had daddy's girl daughters and who chose their dad after a split. To me it would be terrifying. I also genuinely think my partner could track me if I moved house. He's made references before about being able to clone my phone and putting trackers on my car (he's an IT and technology whizz) so I'd fear he'd find me if I left. Dd has just got into school locally so I couldn't get far. I'm not making excuses these are very real reasons. How do you get round this?

How do you get round this?

Easy. You stay. You keep spending his tech whizz big money.

Pip pip.

This is how my first husband and childrens father behaved. He also did go to the pub to avoid arriving home before childrens bed time. I am so sorry if you stay with him it’s unlikely to improve.

So you're basically a single parent who happens to unfortunately be married to a man-child cock lodger. He sounds a right selfish dick.

Good morning.

@Quatrophoenix I don't do that. I work and have money of my own. I dontvtake from the joint account except if the have to for childcare. He earns a fair bit more than me so pays more of mortgage and bills. He seems to think this gets him out of any housework or childcare.

What @mathanxiety says.

Your daughter learns about relationships from the people around her. By the time she can verbalise and understand about her Dad, the damage will be done.
Your daughter vies for his attention because her attachment to him is not secure, she knows she has to work hard to get from him what she needs. Where as she is getting that from you so doesn’t have to work so hard.
Your worries about him hunting you down if you leave and putting trackers on the phone and car are a big red flag. This is where it moves to an abusive relationship and you need to speak to services like womens aid about it. They can offer support and advice which might help.

I was coming on to say that the only man i know in real life to have had this view was my grandad. He had children (eg my mum) in the 1940s and his wife didn't work. The 1940s. But after reading latest updates your situation is actually much more serious than I realised from your first post. Good luck.

@again2020

I'm not scared of being single, I think finances could work out eventually and I'd get over family members falling out with me. I've long since fallen out of any kind of love for him. What I couldn't get over is loosing custody of my DD. Despite everything DD adores her dad and vies for his attention. As I say I know women in real life who had daddy's girl daughters and who chose their dad after a split. To me it would be terrifying. I also genuinely think my partner could track me if I moved house. He's made references before about being able to clone my phone and putting trackers on my car (he's an IT and technology whizz) so I'd fear he'd find me if I left. Dd has just got into school locally so I couldn't get far. I'm not making excuses these are very real reasons. How do you get round this?

It will be worse if you wait until Dd is older. She might end up resenting you if she’s older and her life changes. She’s really really young now so she’ll quickly adapt. Worst case scenario would be if she grows up thinking relationship dynamics like this are normal and ends up in an abusive toxic relationship when she’s older. What would you say to your Dd if she was in a relationship like yours?

You need to tell someone irl about his threats to stalk you. Also Women’s Aid.If you tell someone before these things happen then he’s less likely to successfully gaslight you.

You won’t lose custody over your Dd unless you abuse her, which you don’t.

What an absolute twat. Why are you with a man like this? He’s treating you like a servant and is not being a good parent. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave him, your life would actually be better without you having to take care of his mess. If you don’t leave him now you will after a few more years of being taken for granted.

Tell him she is his fucking child too and he can be a responsible parent whilst you have a little time to do the things you need to for once. Point out if he wants to sod off to the pub or hide upstairs rather than spend time with his daughter his setting a shit example at being a father. He either pulls his weight or you need to re-evaluate if you really want her seeing this as an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman.

You will be a lot happier if you leave him, it doesnt sound like he adds much to your life or spend any time with his DD. Dont waste any more of your life with this man.