To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

You keep enabling this..... Say no

OP, your thread has made me feel really good about myself. I am very scatterbrained and disorganised (ADD) but have just realised I am always prepared in the ways you describe. When DC were small friends always came to me as I had a constant supply of calpol sachets, arnica cream, spare nappies etc under the buggy. I always have tissues, spare disposable masks, paracetamol, lens wipes etc in my handbag. I just assume anything could happen and want to be prepared.

Nope, I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't be happy to share my umbrella/plasters/etc with a friend. I would never mind them asking for this. Life is short.

How do you know she is a CF and isn’t actually just struggling with this kind of thing?

We met at university and lived together for our second and final years of study.

I witnessed her turn up to lectures without a notepad or pen, and numerous times had to fish out a spare pen and rip pages out of my notepad for her to use.

We were sat at other ends of the lecture theatre one day and she marched up to our tutor to ask for a pen as she didn’t have one. Tutor was not impressed.

There was a stationary shop that sold really cheap stuff in the same building btw. (And she never forgot her flask of coffee from home. Or her homemade lunch to eat between lectures. But she’d always forget her pens and notebook).

On nights out, she never failed to forget her ID, house keys or bank card. But would always ask me if she could borrow my lipstick or perfume because she “forgot” hers. If I didn’t have any lipstick she’d ask a complete stranger to borrow some.

The umbrella scenario would happen many times. We lived in Manchester at the time. Everyone knew how much it rained. Student mantra was “take an umbrella, or get wet”.

Instead of buying a bottle of water from a shop, she’d ask if she could have my empty bottle and would walk into a cafe and ask the staff to fill it up with tap water. Some may call it savvy. Some may call it being a CF.

I really admire a trait of hers. Which is not giving a f*ck what anyone thinks. Absolute no self awareness.

She drove me round the bend sometimes. BUT, when we are doing things we both like, going for hikes, attending gigs we have a great time. No friendship is perfect. I get annoyed with her lack
of being prepared. And she gets annoyed with my anxious withering and obsessive compulsive behaviours.

How do I know she’s not struggling? I don’t for certain. No one does. But, she is the type of person to tell me if she is. I know her. I lived with her.

Isn’t this why most people have a handbag? So it’s possible to leave the house with little organisation. She either doesn’t want to carry a bag or isn’t bothered she doesn’t have those things with her so leave her to it

@cansu

It is a bot of a none issue if she is a friend and you enjoy spending time with her. You just have different personalities. I couldn't get worked up about those kinds of things.

I would get worked up about these things precisely because I am her friend rather than her mum. There is nothing fun about having to mother another adult.

When the dcs were younger I had a massive handbag that had wipes, snacks, pencils, an activity book, bottle of water, tissues, maybe a change of clothes in them. Plus stuff like paracetamol, plasters, a brolly etc.

When the youngest started f2 he had his own backpack so migrated most stuff he might need into that. And got a new handbag that fit my purse, inhaler, tissues and handcream in it. Dh and teen dd were devastated they couldn't just chuck their shit in my bag, and that I didn't just randomly have a bottle of water or insect spray to hand. I also deny having paracetamol if we are somewhere it's easy to buy some, otherwise the one day of the month I need it, there is non left and am out somewhere that I can't just buy it.

I think it's weird and mean to carry all this stuff around with you but then resent sharing it, honestly.

I don’t resent sharing plasters if someone has a blister or a paper cut. I don’t resent sharing painkillers if someone had a splitting headache or is experience stomach cramps. I don’t take pleasure in other people’s discomfort. I am not a bad person.

But what I do resent is, always having to bail out people who never come prepared and assume they can take and use my stuff just because I have it. The same people who do it over and over again. Not a one off situation.

I also resent sharing an umbrella with someone 8 inches shorter than me (who couldn’t be bothered to have one ready when we lived in a knowingly
Rainy city) who complains about their arm getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high for them. But go figure.

I would get worked up about these things precisely because I am her friend rather than her mum. There is nothing fun about having to mother another adult.

Thank you. Someone who understands!😂

Wow I'm in awe! I have ADHD and it means that often out of sight is out of mind, and so even if I did get organised to have all that stuff in a bag I would then forget what was in there. This used to fallen a lot and so then I would clear out a handbag and find 3 packs of paracetamol etc because I would buy it when I was out and had a headache etc. But since lockdown and having a baby I never use a handbag now. I went out without my baby a little while ago and got a handbag out to match my outfit... I genuinely didn't know what to put it in and so went out with my phone and keys in it and that was it

My clothes packing for holidays is not the best organised , colour co ordinated, carefully wrapped in tissue paper sort. I went a couple of years ago with no clean knickers so hand washed every night until was able to get to a shop.My handbag however is a different matter. Separate compartment for passports and boarding passes. Copies of passport and insurance documents notebook,pens 2 purses 1 for euros 1 for sterling. Crayons , calpol fast melts, adult paracetamol, handypack of antibacterial wipes, tissues, mints, mini packs of gummy sweets, sewing pack, plasters, blister treatments, emery board and small bottles of water bought once through security. I'm not smug, I just need all that stuff to feel safe to travel

You are me work colleagues call me mum
You want antihistamines, plasters, concealer, 4head stick, throat sweets, hair grips, a brown eyeshadow with gold shimmer, perfume, deo? I got it

I am your friend. I do carry my own bag but there is only ever my purse and keys in it. I like to tie my hair up when I eat, but I don't think of that until I'm going to eat. I don't think I'm going to need an brolly until it rains. I don't think I might need a lot of things until I need them. I have ADHD. It's not willful unpreparedness.

Do some people pronounce it 'pre PARRID ness' or am I talking bobbins?

I don't even take a bag out, I just put my phone and keys in my jacket pocket and good to go!

But I also don't ask for any of those items when I'm out. I wouldnt care about getting wet and I wouldn't ask to put stuff in a friends bag!

@BungleandGeorge

Isn’t this why most people have a handbag? So it’s possible to leave the house with little organisation. She either doesn’t want to carry a bag or isn’t bothered she doesn’t have those things with her so leave her to it

Exactly. And there's no excuse for men either. Get a manbag or a rucksack.

With you on this one OP.

However the irritating person for me is my husband...why is it me that has to carry paracetamol, hay-fever tablets, tissues, water etc.?! Another form of wife work!

@MrsTerryPratchett

Alright there Brown Owl.

I'm prepared but not churlish. My more floopy friends are welcome under my umbrella and to any supplies. Fucked if I'm carrying their water though. Carry it yourself, lazy!

Haha, I thought this too.

@JudgeJ Whatever issues one has going on it's not rocket science to keep a bag of stuff like plasters, pills etc ready to grab for a trip

Comments like this are what shames people who can’t do these simple things into not getting help and finding out WHY they can’t do the simple/it’s not rocket science stuff. It’s NOT rocket science. That I could probably do. I have a very successful career in a science field.. And yet I can’t keep track of my life admin for love nor money.

I’m generally well prepared but don’t mind when others aren’t. Quite like being helpful.

I’m never prepared for anything. But tbh, my female friends that bring supplies for every eventuality get on my wick. It’s all very sensible.

However I can say no with ease, ask a friend to carry my bag containing their drink,

@FlissyPaps

How do you know she is a CF and isn’t actually just struggling with this kind of thing?

We met at university and lived together for our second and final years of study.

I witnessed her turn up to lectures without a notepad or pen, and numerous times had to fish out a spare pen and rip pages out of my notepad for her to use.

We were sat at other ends of the lecture theatre one day and she marched up to our tutor to ask for a pen as she didn’t have one. Tutor was not impressed.

There was a stationary shop that sold really cheap stuff in the same building btw. (And she never forgot her flask of coffee from home. Or her homemade lunch to eat between lectures. But she’d always forget her pens and notebook).

On nights out, she never failed to forget her ID, house keys or bank card. But would always ask me if she could borrow my lipstick or perfume because she “forgot” hers. If I didn’t have any lipstick she’d ask a complete stranger to borrow some.

The umbrella scenario would happen many times. We lived in Manchester at the time. Everyone knew how much it rained. Student mantra was “take an umbrella, or get wet”.

Instead of buying a bottle of water from a shop, she’d ask if she could have my empty bottle and would walk into a cafe and ask the staff to fill it up with tap water. Some may call it savvy. Some may call it being a CF.

I really admire a trait of hers. Which is not giving a f*ck what anyone thinks. Absolute no self awareness.

She drove me round the bend sometimes. BUT, when we are doing things we both like, going for hikes, attending gigs we have a great time. No friendship is perfect. I get annoyed with her lack
of being prepared. And she gets annoyed with my anxious withering and obsessive compulsive behaviours.

How do I know she’s not struggling? I don’t for certain. No one does. But, she is the type of person to tell me if she is. I know her. I lived with her.

I lived with people too. I lived with my ex husband for almost 20 years. I hid my disorganisation and chronic forgetfulness behind a facade. I routinely forget the same things, because if they aren’t built into my routine they aren’t coming with me.

Or she might be just thoughtless. I’m not diagnosing her, I’m just giving a different perspective, that might not have occurred to you.

I am your friend. I do carry my own bag but there is only ever my purse and keys in it. I like to tie my hair up when I eat, but I don't think of that until I'm going to eat. I don't think I'm going to need an brolly until it rains. I don't think I might need a lot of things until I need them. I have ADHD. It's not willful unpreparedness.

I don’t know too much about ADHD (especially in women) but I can imagine people with diagnosed ADHD reacting very differently to how my friend reacts.

& my post isn’t a direct response to you but anyone who may suggest my friend could have ADHD.

E.g umbrella:

Friend: “OMG it’s raining, I don’t have an umbrella. Let me come under yours. OMG you’re holding it too high up my arm is getting soaked!! Can you lower it?”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m 5’10, any lower and my head will get wet, should we nip into Poundland so you can get an umbrella?”

Friend “No. If you’ve got one there’s no point getting another”.

If my friend said it’s because she has ADHD, no excuse, she’s a CF.

E.g. Water bottle:

Friend: “I’m thirsty”.

Me: “Do you want to nip into Costa? It’s round the corner?”

Friend: “No I’m not buying a drink. Do you have a bottle in your bag?”

Me: “Yeah but it’s empty”

Friend: “That’s fine I’ll ask someone to fill it with tap water”. Proceeds to ask Costa worker to fill up the bottle with water. “My bag isn’t big enough for this. Can you put it in your bag since it’s your bottle anyway?”

If my friend said it was because she has ADHD. No excuse she’s a CF. And it’s annoying.

Or she might be just thoughtless. I’m not diagnosing her, I’m just giving a different perspective, that might not have occurred to you.

Appreciate the comment, however the thread was not for people to armchair diagnose my friend on the sole information I provide.

I wanted to know if other people got annoyed with CFs who expect me to provide for them and accommodate them just because I am more organised.

I’m also like you OP, and I used to pride myself on it (!), but now, like you, I also get pissed off with lazy, ditzy, disorganized folk.

I have one friend who actually gets annoyed at me if I haven’t got a fully stocked sewing kit/antihistamine/buscapan etc on me when she needs it. God forbid she should actually provide her own.

And like a pp, I also sometimes pretend I don’t have a pen on me as I know I’ll never get it back, or if it’s a man they probably haven’t washed their hands, so they ain’t touching one of my ballpoints!