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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum is going to die

194 replies

user1496436814 · 14/04/2022 16:55

Posting for traffic. Cannot believe I’m writing this but my mum is very probably going to die today. I’m on my way to the hospital now. I have no idea what to do. Please can anyone offer any words of comfort? She’s my best friend and I feel so alone.

OP posts:

LovelyTeePee · 15/04/2022 01:46

Just saw your comment about a lot of your life revolving around your mum. Same here, we spoke several times a day. And, saw each other as much as possible. Even now I think, oh I'll call and tell mum about this or the other ... Twenty years since she died. But now, I smile when I think that rather than cry. You will get through it my lovely. I promise. It will be hard at first, but please know that you will one day think of her with smiles and laughter rather than tears x

Usou · 15/04/2022 01:49

Good to hear from you @user1496436814.

The most important thing of all is just to be there.

Why should you stop telling her your important news? Who knows that she still won't be able to hear you?

My auntie often told me after my own parents died - "don't you worry - they'll still be looking out for you." Honestly, there have been many occasions when I felt that she was right.

custardbear · 15/04/2022 01:55

No words OP just awning love to you, your mum and your loved ones 💕💔

pollyglot · 15/04/2022 04:22

Dear girl, count your blessings that you are privileged to have your beloved mother, even if it is for a lesser time that you had hoped. You love her dearly, and are loved beyond measure in return.

I didn't shed a tear when my mother died.

Haveatakeaway · 15/04/2022 05:00

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I'm so, so sorry. My mum's my best friend and whole world too. Sending you all peaceful thoughts and strength

Member869894 · 15/04/2022 07:27

I lost my mum in November. I hope, like me, you will get comfort from knowing that you had a great relationship with her unlike many. Xx

LoveSpringDaffs · 15/04/2022 07:54

I hope you all had a peaceful night x

I'm pleased you were able to 'sleep' in her room & be there. After the past couple of years (unbelievably) that feels like a real privilege.

I talk to my Dad all the time (he died over a decade ago now, that SO hard to believe). I know it's not the same, as the contact you've had with your Mum until now, but he still feels close.

I am not at all religious, but I choose to 'believe' that there is something after this & I will be with him (& sadly many others) again. My sensible/logic brain gives me a pass on thinking about this too hard as it brings me a little comfort.

Are you & your Dad close? I hope so xx

RobertsRadio · 15/04/2022 08:53

I've only just seen this Op and just wanted to send my best wishes. I'm so glad you were able to tell your Mum everything that you wanted so that she knows how much you love her. I was lucky enough to be able to do the same and was there when she died five years ago and this has sustained me so much since her passing. Cling fast to others who knew and loved your Mum and talk about her lots. Sending love and strength .

Blossomtoes · 15/04/2022 09:42

I thought of you this morning. The next few weeks and months are going to be brutal as you learn to live with a huge hole in your life and your heart. Please be comforted that so many of us have been where you are now and we know it gets easier. You never get over it but you do get used to it. 💐

movpov · 15/04/2022 10:03

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my mum just last week and it was the same, we expected her to pass for a few days and it was so difficult just waiting and knowing we couldn't change the outcome. The staff were wonderful and made sure there was no pain, and looked after us too. We spent the last night by her side as we knew the end was very near. We held her hand, stroked her face and said the things we wanted to. Apparently one of the last things to go is ability to hear, and I think that was true for her. I've heard some people hold on till they know their loved ones will be all right, so we told her we would look after each other and be ok, and it was ok to go if she had had enough. Her last few breaths were peaceful.

There's a good chance your mum can still hear you, so talk to her and just be there for her and that will be enough. Sending you hugs and strength xx

Thedogscollar · 15/04/2022 10:27

@user1496436814
Hi so sorry you are going through this at such a young age. So many beautiful and wise posts here.

Your Mum is the first person to love you in this world, the first person to hug you in this world. Your Mum is so unbelievably special in your life and your future life.

I had the honour of being with my kind, amazing and brave Mum as she left this world I held her hand she knew I was there I will never forget that time it was like time stood still remembering our lives our love for each other and how I was so lucky to have her as my Mum.
It is a love like no other.

@Hugasaurus thank you for your beautiful and perfect post, so true.

Haveatakeaway · 15/04/2022 11:09

@Thedogscollar 😢

DomesticatedZombie · 15/04/2022 11:23

So glad to hear you got to spend those moments with her, OP.

And glad to hear she has her family around her.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/04/2022 12:03

I'm so glad you've been able to sit with her
I was 32 when I lost my DM and my life revolved around her in a similar way.
In time Smiles will replace the pain when you think of her, she will always be with you

Blossom97 · 15/04/2022 12:09

Very sorry to hear that OP. Glad you are able to be there with her. Take care

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/04/2022 13:24

Not sure what I’ll do next

I'm quite sure you'll continue to be the fine woman she raised, and of whom she clearly has every reason to be proud - and while there's sadness to come your strength and the countless happy memories will get you through it in time

Very glad too that you've managed to be there for when your mum leaves; may her passing be peaceful and the privilege of being present bring you comfort

Minfilia · 15/04/2022 13:30

@user1496436814

Thank you, thank you. All your support has meant the world to me. I made it to the hospital with plenty of time and was able to tell her everything I needed to whilst she was still conscious and able to understand me. They have increased the sedation and pain meds now so hopefully she will be able to slip away in peace. I have taken the sofa bed in her hospital room and will sleep next to her while my dad keeps her company. Not sure what I’ll do next. A lot of my life revolves around her—calling her in the morning, evening, telling her interesting things that happen in the day. But, as a lot of you have told me, it will be hard then get easier. I’ll just have to wait for that. Thank you again everyone. I really do appreciate the support.

I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that you could say your goodbyes. If she slips away then she will do so feeling very loved and comforted by those closest to her which is a real blessing. It will have been infinitely less scary for her knowing she isn’t alone and that she has you there and your support.

Please take care of yourself and remember to try and eat. It’s a small thing I know, but I didn’t eat anything for days, weeks even, so this would be my small piece of advice for taking care of yourself a bit.

Mysa74 · 15/04/2022 17:06

Sending you hugs OP. I lost my dad 2 years ago now and am so glad we refused to let the paramedics take him in. He had end stage prostate cancer, it was the very start of lockdown and his biggest fear was going in to hospital again and not coming home. I miss him every day and talk to him in my head everyone I see, do or hear about something he would have been interested in. It does get easier, the memories get brighter, the tears fewer and though hearing "dance with my father" is a massive kick in the chest everyone it comes on the radio... Sending you and your mum and your dad peaceful thoughts and warm hugs xx

ProudAlly · 20/04/2022 15:05

Sebnding you love OP. I was with my mum when she passed and everything @Hugasauras said is true. It was the most painful thing I have ever done but it was a profound experience and I'm glad I was there for her and witnessed her transition. I hope I helped her go peacefully. That was 15 years ago and I think of her and miss her every day. I have my favourite photos of her around my house and I say hello to her in my head when I walk by. I have one of her favourite plants on my office windowsill and I grow the flowers she loved in my garden. I feel I have kept her alive in my heart and this brings me peace. It was many years before she appeared to me in my dreams but one night she did. She came to my door and when I opened it she asked if I was ok, and if my DS was OK too. I turned to open the door to invite her in and hen I turned back she was gone. I honestly believe it was her, it was so vivid and I remember the dream so clearly.

I hope you will find ways to keep your mum in your heart too OP. And I wish you strength at this terribly difficult time.

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