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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
godmum56 · 14/04/2022 12:08

No comment except if I was that tired (and I have been) I wouldn't have had the wine.

BellePeppa · 14/04/2022 12:18

@SaintJavelin

It's ridiculous how posters have leapt to their own conclusions just because OP's DP is a man. Posters saying he isn't pulling his weight or that he is cheating when all the OP said was he said he was worried!

As for making her a lunchbox? Haha fuck off.

I haven’t been on MN long but it didn’t take long to realise men are always the villain 😁
Mariposista · 14/04/2022 12:21

I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy for your child to get through the day on no breakfast, rubbish junk food and no exercise until the evening. Your partner is angry as he is giving you a wake up call. Come on OP, take yourself in hand, for your child’s sake. She needs a healthy energetic mum, and whether you are fat or thin, you clearly are not at the moment. Wine or no wine, you wouldn’t be that tired with a better lifestyle.

Comtesse · 14/04/2022 12:22

You were asleep at 10pm after a glass of wine - no big deal at all. Your child was perfectly safe. Don’t give up your choir to go to the gym to reduce his anxiety - that’s twisted, your preferences matter. Yes looking after yourself better would be a good idea - like having a tuna salad at lunch instead of hula hoops - but who is he to lecture you? It’s hardly the same as 20 cigarettes a day is it? He is not your dad, you look after your body because YOU want to not to make him less anxious. I would not feel happy about this at all.

Octomore · 14/04/2022 12:26

Two questions OP:

  • What do you think about your nutrition and general diet?
  • Did you have dinner that evening? (i.e. when it was just you and your DP wasn't there)
Octomore · 14/04/2022 12:30

looking after yourself better would be a good idea - like having a tuna salad at lunch instead of hula hoops - but who is he to lecture you? It’s hardly the same as 20 cigarettes a day is it?

Malnutrition and undereating is really, really bad for someone's health. It's not a good idea to minimise it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 12:40

@brio4ever

I'd suggest if he's so worried about you not looking after yourself and being so tired, maybe he would like to give up his football training so you can workout and get an early night?
@brio4ever Why on earth should he do that?

Op has said that his one evening out all week.

What would be better would be OP picks a different night and takes herself off to a fitness class or to the gym whilst he takes care of their child. He doesn’t need to miss his football.

Honestly so many women on mumsnet are Martyrs and give up everything when they have a kid and they expect everyone else around them to do the same. The OP’s husband going to football isn’t the issue here. Drinking alcohol isn’t the issue. The only issue is Op not prioritising herself and her health.

brio4ever · 14/04/2022 12:50

My suggestion he gives up football is somewhat tongue in cheek, but the point is he is the one who has made this an issue. He has been off/sulky, when pressed escalated it into a 'fight' and made OP cry. Seemingly without any constructive advise or solutions. OP is now expected to somehow make time for herself, whilst still doing everything she currently does. I'm sure if she had the time and energy she would be already. He is the one with the issue apparently, so maybe he should think about how he can support OP better, which may mean making sacrifices on his part.

DontStopMeNow7 · 14/04/2022 13:02

I’m concerned he made you cry and he framed it in the worst way possible. If he is generally worried about you looking after yourself he could have spoken to you about this at any time. No need to be so critical. Most normal people have unhealthy habits to work on. Big fucking deal. Welcome to being human and flawed.

What really happened: You had a glass of wine in the evening and fell asleep after a tiring day being a mother. He got mad about it even though your daughter was asleep in her cot. So ridiculous.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 13:07

@godmum56

No comment except if I was that tired (and I have been) I wouldn't have had the wine.
Ok ok Saint @godmum56

She had a glass while her daughter was in her cot asleep and the problem with that is….what exactly??

theleafandnotthetree · 14/04/2022 13:15

@brio4ever

My suggestion he gives up football is somewhat tongue in cheek, but the point is he is the one who has made this an issue. He has been off/sulky, when pressed escalated it into a 'fight' and made OP cry. Seemingly without any constructive advise or solutions. OP is now expected to somehow make time for herself, whilst still doing everything she currently does. I'm sure if she had the time and energy she would be already. He is the one with the issue apparently, so maybe he should think about how he can support OP better, which may mean making sacrifices on his part.
I doubt that lack of time is the real issue here, on a spectrum, the OP does not seem to have a gruelling schedule with part time work and one child. As is so often the case, if it were important to her, she would make time for it. Very few people are unable to squeeze a half an hours exercise in every day, even if it's to walk briskly somewhere with child in buggy rather than drive or do an exercise class online while her daughter laughs at her 😁. And we all make time to bloody well eat. My ex-husband was pretty crap when my children were small but nothing he did or didn't do would have had an impact on whether I ate a decent lunch or not. Presumably she managed to eat before she met her husband?
Calandor · 14/04/2022 13:21

East enough fix. Eat lunch (you can make a big pot of soup or salad and keep in the fridge to nuke when busy) and maybe head to the gym once a week (DP must care for the toddler to allow this).

You could even find a nice gym with a steam room 😁

Apologise for falling asleep and move on.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 13:25

@Calandor

East enough fix. Eat lunch (you can make a big pot of soup or salad and keep in the fridge to nuke when busy) and maybe head to the gym once a week (DP must care for the toddler to allow this).

You could even find a nice gym with a steam room 😁

Apologise for falling asleep and move on.

@Calandor I agree with what you’re saying except I don’t think she needs to apologise for falling asleep. Her daughter was safe and well asleep. OP can do what she wants then, whether it’s a glass of wine or a sleep herself
Calandor · 14/04/2022 13:27

Although I don't really see the issue with falling asleep if baby was in the cot also asleep. Surely OP would likely have been asleep whether clothes or unclothed anyway?

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 13:29

I do bloody walk briskly with child in buggy!

OP posts:
Calandor · 14/04/2022 13:29

@LuckySantangelo35 cross post

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 13:30

Yes, I managed to eat before I met my partner...🤔 Never been one for breakfast I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 13:31

@calandor Nice gym with a steam room, now there's an idea!

OP posts:
OatmilkandCookies · 14/04/2022 13:33

@SaintJavelin

It's ridiculous how posters have leapt to their own conclusions just because OP's DP is a man. Posters saying he isn't pulling his weight or that he is cheating when all the OP said was he said he was worried!

As for making her a lunchbox? Haha fuck off.

I know, right. If the suggestion was made that a woman should make her DH a lunchbox because he's choosing to eat a packet of crisps for lunch there would be outcry. The double standards on here still somehow amaze me at times.
Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 13:35

It's ok, I won't be asking DP to make a lunchbox, stand down.
I cook about 5 meal out of 7 by the way.

OP posts:
Octomore · 14/04/2022 13:36

I'm willing to bet that the pattern of undereating predates this DP, because eating habits tend to be established in the very long-term. Eating habits aren't generally something that change overnight.

(Which is why people find it so difficult to eat more, or less, or different foods than usual when they're on a diet.)

OP - You say you've never been one for breakfast. Have you always had such an insubstantial lunch? And when your DP isn't there, do you cook yourself a dinner?

Nutrition is a really important part of self-care, so even if you don't answer these questions on here, you might want to think to yourself about the answers. Your long-term health matters and you are worthy of nourishment.

Indoorcatmum · 14/04/2022 13:40

In my experience, these conversations 100% of the time have been to distract from watching them too closely, make you feel like you're lucky they are with you etc.
You sound exhausted and like you needed him to tuck you up in bed and give you some encouraging words, not berate you for what sounds like a far healthier lifestyle than a lot of people in the UK.

Octomore · 14/04/2022 13:42

Also OP - I would genuinely recommend that you see you GP and ask about the possibility of anaemia. Getting anaemia properly treated can be life-changing, in terms of tackling tiredness and exhaustion.

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 13:46

@Octomore Thank you, that means a lot

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 14/04/2022 13:52

@Indoorcatmum

In my experience, these conversations 100% of the time have been to distract from watching them too closely, make you feel like you're lucky they are with you etc. You sound exhausted and like you needed him to tuck you up in bed and give you some encouraging words, not berate you for what sounds like a far healthier lifestyle than a lot of people in the UK.
If anyone ever tried to tuck me up in bed they'd hear about it, talk about patronising. Bloody hell, the OP isn't ill for Gods sake nor under any particular strain or pressure. She's just a bit uninterested in exercise/lazy by her own admission with a crappy enough diet for much of the day. All of which is for her to tackle or not.