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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
Octomore · 14/04/2022 10:20

Honestly, I think the wine thing is a distraction - it is obvious from the OP that she isn't nourishing herself. One of the effects of that is likely to be anaemia/exhaustion/lower alcohol tolerance, but the underlying cause is likely to be the nourishment.

heartofgrass · 14/04/2022 10:22

Why do people keep changing what OP said? She didn’t say she fell asleep.

Or my favourite "she dozed off" aww how sweet. No, she passed out! HER WORDS!

Octomore · 14/04/2022 10:23

@heartofgrass

Why do people keep changing what OP said? She didn’t say she fell asleep.

Or my favourite "she dozed off" aww how sweet. No, she passed out! HER WORDS!

And from her OP, it seems quite possible that it was at the time of day when her DP comes back from work - so late afternoon/early evening, before diner.
OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 10:24

I have to admit that if I had a partner complaining of exhaustion, who was living off a bag of crisps all day, I'd have very limited sympathy too.

Obelisk · 14/04/2022 10:29

@LuckySantangelo35 No idea who you think you’re helping by misrepresenting what the OP said, because it certainly isn’t her. No one is saying a mother can’t have a glass of wine or two. The issue is with passing out drunk.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 10:31

@CoralieBoralie

He has a bit of health anxiety, his Dad died very suddenly at a fairly young age (late 50s I think), so I do understand his worry.

I sound like a dick now, but I'm not any larger post DD. I just seem to have a good metabolism! Now just wait a few years for that to bite me on my unexercised arse...

You think we might think you’re boasting and “being a dick” when you say you’ve not put on weight after one child, and eating one meal a day? And doing bugger all exercise. And falling asleep fully clothed after a glass of wine because you’re so exhausted? Confused

Op… trust me when I say NO ONE would think you were being “being a dick” by boasting

OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 10:38

It's is surely quite unusual to have started on the wine alone when DH was expected home and suggests it was quite early.?

Different if you live alone and settle down with a glass in the evening.

I suspect DH's version of this story is a bit different. E.g.how often does OP complain about being exhausted whilst making no effort to help herself? How often is she "passed out" after an early glass of wine? Is there a suspicion that it was more than one or a very large one?

Octomore · 14/04/2022 10:38

When you care about your partner, it is normal to express concern if you think their health is suffering.

I've recently been working in a toxic job - insanely long hours, unreasonable expectations, horrible toxic culture. As a result I've become stressed, too exhausted to exercise like I used to, run-down and burnt out.

My DH started expressing concern when I hadn't been in the job for that long - telling me that he thought I needed to leave. At first I was defensive (only I say what happens in my career!) but what he was saying came from a place of genuine concern, and I'm now leaving because I know it's best for my health. Handing in my notice was like a weight off my shoulders.

As an outside observer he saw the negative changes in me before I was able to, and as someone who cares about me he wasn't prepared to just watch me get run-down and ill.

It's normal to feel defensive when someone points out that you're slipping into unhealthy habits, but assuming your DP/DH isn't normally controlling, it's also important to consider what it is that they are seeing - they may well have a point.

littlelowerdown · 14/04/2022 10:50

@Octomore

Honestly, I think the wine thing is a distraction - it is obvious from the OP that she isn't nourishing herself. One of the effects of that is likely to be anaemia/exhaustion/lower alcohol tolerance, but the underlying cause is likely to be the nourishment.
This
littlelowerdown · 14/04/2022 10:53

He has a bit of health anxiety, his Dad died very suddenly at a fairly young age (late 50s I think), so I do understand his worry. I sound like a dick now, but I'm not any larger post DD. I just seem to have a good metabolism!
You don't have a good metabolism. You are chronically undereating. Your H is not worried due to health anxiety but because you chronically undereat and pass out fully clothed after drinking.
Stop minimising.

BellePeppa · 14/04/2022 10:53

As someone who suffered (suffers?) a level of PTSD from ex being an alcoholic, I would have been fuming if my partner ‘passed out’ having had a drink, never mind having a child in the house. My ex fell asleep holding a glass of wine in one hand and our baby in the other (he was a ‘high functioning’ drinker at the time) It was another nail in the coffin for me. Were you asleep OP or passed out? Strange phrase to use if you just fell asleep. Either way it sounds like you need to focus on nutrition, no working adult should be eating just a bag of crisps for lunch.

BellePeppa · 14/04/2022 11:02

I just want to add I don’t think you’re an alcoholic, just that my reaction would have been a bit extreme in my fury at the scenario. 🙂

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 11:09

Yes my child was asleep in her cot, and DP got in at about 10 from football training.
I was tired.
I can see that I'm feeling really defensive, and 'not good enough'. I hate the idea of DP finding me a worry, or unattractive

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 11:11

I don't complain that I'm exhausted a lot btw! During the day I usually feel fine, often very ready for bed though. I don't know why I'm so resistant to exercise, lazy probably.(I meant twice a week when I said biweekly 🙈)

OP posts:
brio4ever · 14/04/2022 11:11

I'd suggest if he's so worried about you not looking after yourself and being so tired, maybe he would like to give up his football training so you can workout and get an early night?

OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 11:13

@brio4ever

I'd suggest if he's so worried about you not looking after yourself and being so tired, maybe he would like to give up his football training so you can workout and get an early night?
Haha. Really? There's nothing to stop OP having an early night while he's at football - in fact she did, she just didn't manage to get undressed first.
Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 11:27

It's his one night out, I'm perfectly happy with him having it!

OP posts:
HangingOver · 14/04/2022 11:30

People say 'passed out' all the time to just mean 'fell deeply asleep'. OP was tired, had one wine and woke up when she heard DP open the door. She was just asleep, she didn't piss herself and sleep through a fire alarm fgs.

SaintJavelin · 14/04/2022 11:30

It's ridiculous how posters have leapt to their own conclusions just because OP's DP is a man. Posters saying he isn't pulling his weight or that he is cheating when all the OP said was he said he was worried!

As for making her a lunchbox? Haha fuck off.

theleafandnotthetree · 14/04/2022 11:30

@brio4ever

I'd suggest if he's so worried about you not looking after yourself and being so tired, maybe he would like to give up his football training so you can workout and get an early night?
Oh for goodness sake there are 7 nights in the week, no need for the OP's partner to give up something that makes HIM happy and healthy. And ultimately, her health and well being is her responsibility. It is not as if he is keeping food from her or chaining her to the house.
Fadeout83 · 14/04/2022 11:37

I’m not going to add to the hilariousness of this thread except to say that despite being worded awfully, it does seem like the concern is real. Especially if he had the experience of losing his father fairly young.

I’m 38 and as I get older, I value health more and more. I’m fitter than I’ve ever been and after years of resenting exercise, now have found something I like and couldn’t live without it.

OP starting exercise is really tough but it really is addictive once you get going and notice yourself getting fitter and healthier. Time is an issue though. People used to tell me why don’t I wake up early to exercise if there is no other time. To which I laughed because I will not give up the little sleep I get for exercise. Instead DP and I take it in turns. A few nights a week I go to my class (around 630pm) and he deals with the kids and I do the same a few nights a week. Yep I’m usually tired and it’s tedious getting out but once there I end up loving it and being glad I came.

As for the lunches, you seem to know you need to change that. A packet of crisps is not good. Would you be happy for your kid to eat that for lunch? A healthy lunch doesn’t have to be hard work. A couple of boiled eggs on toast? A simple salad with leftover chicken? A sandwich?

As I said, one thing I’ve realised as I age is that health is precious. Exercise and good food give you energy so you might find once you get going you’ll start feeling better.

Laptopsandmouses · 14/04/2022 11:38

Op you are sounding like you are trying to minimise, I assume you’re embarrassed or feel guilty. This wasn’t you were tired and went to bed. This was you were passed out fully clothed, after apparently one glass of wine.

Only you know the truth of what actually occured, it maybe as you say you suffer from exhaustion and passed out and maybe need to see your doctor, it maybe you’d consumed a lot more alcohol than you wish to admit, and hadn’t eaten properly, which made you pass out drunk. How long were you out for, do you know?

Either way he is now expressing concern about you, and it’s likely time to try to focus on self care, for your sake, for your child’s sake and for your relationships sake.

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 11:38

My night out is going to a choir, which I love. The thought of going to a gym instead makes me feel a bit sad...
Ido love a bit of that wanky pursuit wild swimming, but only when it's a bit warmer Grin
And yes, I meant passed out to say fell deeply asleep

OP posts:
tirednewmumm · 14/04/2022 11:41

@RewildingAmbridge

If I came home and DH was passed out on the bed (your words) after drinking, whilst in sole charge of DS I wouldn't be pleased either. He's framed it as you not looking after yourself which skipping meals and the passing out through tiredness/wine implies you're not, that's not good for your health and that's not good for your child. Eat breakfast or something other than hula hoops for lunch, have an early night if you need one. You might feel less exhausted if you were eating properly. Not a big ask.
I agree with this if I came home and DH was passed out on the bed with an empty wine glass I would be really concerned and wouldn't assume it was just one glass!! And eating nothing till dinner except a bag of hula hoops really isn't healthy and won't help with tiredness/ability to tolerate wine. If it was said kindly I don't think he was being an arse but it's hard to judge tone third hand
Palloom · 14/04/2022 11:51

The perfection of many posters is indeed a glorious thing to see. How wonderful it must be for them.