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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report myself to social services?

154 replies

Kddie · 13/04/2022 18:56

My daughter (4) has recently started refusing baths. Point blank. Nothing I say will budge her and she has screaming tantrums if I even attempt. To the point that when I forced her to bath the other day, she writhed and threw herself around the bath so much she has ended up with scratches and bruises. I was trying to stop her from literally launching herself out of the bath! Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Today was a new low. She got some chocolate in her hair, so it needed to be washed out. I tried to explain to her that I could wash her hair over the sink, if she really didn't want to go in the bath, she kicked off. I managed to get her hair wet before she really lost it. Kicking screaming and I had to do all I could to hold her still.

After we were done, I noticed she had some red marks and bruise like marks on her back from where I tried to hold her still. I didn't want to hurt her at all and I have been crying constantly since, she is happy and I have put some cream on it, but I feel truly awful and feel like I should report myself to social services.

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 13/04/2022 18:58

??? Confused

HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 18:58

Sorry you are having a tough time OP, this isnt a reflection on you and you are doing your best. Have you tried to understand where this reluctance has come from? Can you speak to your HV?

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 19:00

I haven't seen or heard from my HV since pre pandemic, I'm so distraught. One of my other children has autism, and used to have vile tantrums as well. But this feels worse because my daughter seems neurotypical, but if she doesn't want to do something she kicks off so badly!

OP posts:
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 13/04/2022 19:00

What do you think SS will do?

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 19:00

I honestly have no idea but I feel like the worlds worst mother at the moment.

OP posts:
Sadnesser · 13/04/2022 19:01

Please don’t beat yourself up about this. I’m not in any way suggesting your child isn’t NT but my son has ASD. Washing is a horrendous task and you have my every sympathy. You didn’t mean to hurt her, you did what you have to do to keep her safe from herself and to attend to her basic needs.
If it helps in the meantime there are special no water soaps and shampoos you can buy. They cost a fortune but might help for emergencies like this? I get them on Amazon.

Shlomping1234 · 13/04/2022 19:04

Try bathing her with you. That's what I had to do when my daughter was refusing baths. She's now 7 and is a lot better at bath times. She also has terrible meltdowns but masks well at school.

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 19:06

@Shlomping1234

Try bathing her with you. That's what I had to do when my daughter was refusing baths. She's now 7 and is a lot better at bath times. She also has terrible meltdowns but masks well at school.
Thank you I will try that.
OP posts:
celticprincess · 13/04/2022 19:09

Before you wrote that your DS is autistic this did cross my mind for your DD. You can't compare 2 children and say one is NT as they're different to the other who is ND. Autism presents in different ways for different people and you need to look into the difference between how girls and boys present with autism. My DD is autistic and maths/showers have always been a trigger for her behaviour. She's got better as she's got older. One time she was covered in poo after soiling herself and it took 4 hours to get her in the shower. She was 9/10 at the time. This was one of the worst but most shower or bath nights took 3 times as long as her sister's. We had to go back to basics and set up an agreed bath routine with her. Currently that's hair washed once per week and a shower every other day. PE days warrant an extra shower if not shower day. She's better with that knowledge now but can still be a battle if something else has triggered her earlier in the day.

moita · 13/04/2022 19:09

Feel for you OP.

Would a treat like a bath bomb help or special bubble bath.

Sounded very difficult but you obviously care.

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 19:15

I've offered to get in the bath with her and she has said no. Suggested bubble baths and same. She says she doesn't like baths ( won't go near shower either)

She is still using the potty only, and tends to still soil frequently (wees are fine) and refuses to sit on the toilet either.

Should I get a doctors appointment to discuss it? She seems so bright and clever (I know autism presents differently in girls, I think I have it myself as well)

OP posts:
User0610134049 · 13/04/2022 19:18

I honestly don’t think this will be good use of very stretched social services resources! The fact you are so distressed about it and it was done accidentally speaks for itself.

But echo others saying try to get some support with her.
Also is it a sensory issue with the bath? Have you considered she might have some neurodiversity even if she presents very differently from your other child?

Maybebabyno2 · 13/04/2022 19:18

Ah don't worry about it OP! My son regularly has bruises on his legs from me trying to hold them with one hand whilst I'm changing his nappy with the other. He decides to kick them about and laugh at me instead or scream/cry depends on his mood. I don't hold them tightly or harshly but I always notice little bruises on his shins and that's the only explanation I can think of.

He head butted me once and we both ended up with shiners, mine under my eye and his above his eyebrow. Head made of solid steel that child.

Focus your energy on how you can get her to enjoy (or just not hate) baths and give yourself a break!

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 19:20

@User0610134049

I honestly don’t think this will be good use of very stretched social services resources! The fact you are so distressed about it and it was done accidentally speaks for itself.

But echo others saying try to get some support with her.
Also is it a sensory issue with the bath? Have you considered she might have some neurodiversity even if she presents very differently from your other child?

Yes it has crossed my mind a few times to be honest, I really think she might be, it's amazing how it differs between boys and girls isn't it!
OP posts:
clpsmum · 13/04/2022 19:20

My son has autism and LD Amy youngest son is now being assessed and I totally missed it. The reason I missed it is because the autism I know and live with is not the autism that he displays if you know what I mean.

My DC with LD and autism often goes through phases of refusing the bath. My only option is to do a bucket bath and hairwash in the garden every few days or take him swimming and attempt a shower afterwards

User0610134049 · 13/04/2022 19:20

And yes I think a good starting point would be GP appointment or via health visitor/nursery/school.
You need some specialist advice.
A routine may help as a pp suggested
Would she respond well to a picture timetable of the week showing when there will be a bath? Tbh I think once a week is enough if needed x

TerraNovaTwo · 13/04/2022 19:23

Crikey. How do think social services might help with this, OP? They have far more grave situations to deal with than you trying to force your DD to bath. Confused

Can't you bath her every second or third night? If she enjoys say X, run her a bubble bath with some fun bath toys, and say "First it's bath time then it's X/we can do X" or "When you've had a quick wash, then it's X or Y or Z".

Bagelsandbrie · 13/04/2022 19:26

Has she always been like this or has there been a particular incident that’s started this phobia of bath time off?

grey12 · 13/04/2022 19:27

Maybe try washing with a wet towel?....

TerraNovaTwo · 13/04/2022 19:29

I agree with PP that it could be a sensory processing issue, which is why you need to look at trying different strategies, rather than blowing it all out of proportion contacting SS.

scrivette · 13/04/2022 19:34

If you look on your local council website or if you have a Childrens Centre nearby they may offer free parenting courses either face to face or online and they can help with suggestions and ideas. I have attended a few courses and found them very useful. They often offer different types of courses and some of them provide free childcare too.

Mummy1608 · 13/04/2022 19:35

Sorry if these are really obvious and already tried- what about bath crayons and bath pipes?

I genuinely love my dd's bath crayons and bath pipes so much that I play around with them even when I'm bathing on my own lol, they are great for all ages

asleeponthetable · 13/04/2022 19:36

Referring yourself to the health visitor would probably be much more useful. Have you looked at how asd presents in girls? Also asd in those who are intelligent and PDA. No two asd individuals are the same.

At the very minimum you need to be taught how to safely hold your child if she absolutely needs it.

My two top bath tips are goggles - my son only wears the type that are in one section not individual eye pieces - and a deep pressure massage before bath. Tbh, I also wouldn't bother with chocolate in hair unless o could reason with him and he was going somewhere/to school - not always worth the drama and not worth either of you feeling traumatised.

Life isn't perfect.

picklemewalnuts · 13/04/2022 19:36

Bless you both. Find different ways to wash her, use the social stories and timetables to prepare the ground. Ask her what she needs to help her stay clean- a warm towel afterward, a hot chocolate, headphones while she's in the bath...

Could it be the noises that bother her? I notice she uses a potty. The water sounds may be the problem.

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 19:38

Things to try

Warm spray on hair and wash hair only
Take to a hairdressers and explain and pay them to wash it and give a trim
Rewards
Water pistols
Shower
Her in control of the taps
Swimming pool - baby pool is usually warmer - sit and put her feet in
Foot spa

Etc

Slowly slowly catch a monkey