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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report myself to social services?

154 replies

Kddie · 13/04/2022 18:56

My daughter (4) has recently started refusing baths. Point blank. Nothing I say will budge her and she has screaming tantrums if I even attempt. To the point that when I forced her to bath the other day, she writhed and threw herself around the bath so much she has ended up with scratches and bruises. I was trying to stop her from literally launching herself out of the bath! Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Today was a new low. She got some chocolate in her hair, so it needed to be washed out. I tried to explain to her that I could wash her hair over the sink, if she really didn't want to go in the bath, she kicked off. I managed to get her hair wet before she really lost it. Kicking screaming and I had to do all I could to hold her still.

After we were done, I noticed she had some red marks and bruise like marks on her back from where I tried to hold her still. I didn't want to hurt her at all and I have been crying constantly since, she is happy and I have put some cream on it, but I feel truly awful and feel like I should report myself to social services.

OP posts:
Confusedmonkey · 13/04/2022 20:23

Oh I am sorry you have had such a hard time. You could see if there is a number you can call for your local health visiting team. I know a lot have phone numbers for advice, especially since lockdown has reduced the number of visits and clinics they do. Otherwise you could ask your GP maybe for sources of support or your child's school/nursery

Our DS is a lot younger than your daughter, but he became quite scared of bathing suddenly (even though he still loved swimming). Things that helped were water play and getting in the bath with him. Could you find her some age appropriate things to play with in the bath or just sit with her at the edge of the bath and play with things in the bath so she gets used to it. Maybe she is a bit old to have a bath with her, but could yoi if you wore a swimming costume and got in with her if you think it might help (maybe a silly idea out baby was under one so very different)? When I googled there was so much advice on line for helping children who suddenly didn't like bath time.

Hope some of the replies help and you feel better xx

edin16 · 13/04/2022 20:24

Have you tried taking her swimming? It's a short term solution but will at least get her clean once a week or so.
Would she play in the bath with no water? You could turn it into a game. Try to make new associations to the bath.

Fulmine · 13/04/2022 20:24

I'd suggest getting her assessed by a sensory integration trained occupational therapist, as this sounds very much like a sensory problem.

AnnoyingButLovelyDH · 13/04/2022 20:25

Ps. My son was like this. Terrified of water. We took the slowly slowly approach. Age 8 hea now a competitive swimmer! It gets better! Grin

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 20:25

Oh and someone else mentioned paddling pools, she loves them!

OP posts:
WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 13/04/2022 20:25

No need to report yourself to SS (I work in SS).

You sound like a good parent who wants the best for your child.

I echo all the good advice/tips given so far.

Get in touch with your HV or GP for advice if the situation does not resolve itself within the next week or so.

If your DC is at school, ask the school about Parenting Courses.

We’ve had this type of behaviour with all 3 DC. Some kids go through phases and sometimes it’s something more.

Hugsgalore · 13/04/2022 20:29

Hi OP my daughter went through a phase at about 2/3 where she absolutely hated the bath. So I filled the kitchen sink up and sat her on the counter and let her put her feet in first while I used a face cloth the wipe her down. After a couple of days she wanted to put her bum in but was a bit to big so told her she’d have to us the bath and she went back to baths quite happily. Washing her hair was also always an issue so I found holding a face cloth over her eyes while I quickly rinsed helped.

Ohmnomnom · 13/04/2022 20:32

Is it just the hair washing or she just hates being in the bath at all?

My ds HATED his hair being washed and he had lovely long blonde curls. I got a cheap light projector like this one:

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/324893414926?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=MixJYR5xTj6&sssrc=2349624&ssuid=CFMi2CPeSaC&var=&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY

I used to aim it at the bathroom ceiling, then when he looked up to stare at it I'd wash his hair with a flannel!

Newjobformoremoney · 13/04/2022 20:33

Hi OP
No Advice just that my DD went through this stage at 2.
Turns out all she needed was those drawing coloured things on the wall of the bath and bubble bath to change her perception.
You’ll find the solution. It’s not easy, you’re doing great as a mum!

Eyerollsausageroll · 13/04/2022 20:38

Hi OP, my suspected ASD ds went through the hate of baths screaming phase. What really helped was letting him wear wellies in the bath. Just a few inches of water, at first he wouldn't sit down but you could splash his body with water (not the face though) but after a few times he'd kneel down and eventually sit down. He's still not too keen on showers and baths now at 8 but he does tolerate them now without much fuss.

Good luck, don't be too hard on yourself.

yummychoccy · 13/04/2022 20:41

It is so common for there to be a bath refusal phase. I read about it a lot! We had the same with my eldest. Definitely bathing together helped. Also just not pushing baths every night! They don't need to bath every night. If there is choc in her hair brush it out. Take the pressure off. Do strip washes for a couple of weeks then get a funky new bath toy and encourage her in in a relaxed way. Maybe get some bath disco lights, a lolly to have in the bath, a tablet to watch something of her choice?

Phineyj · 13/04/2022 20:45

Hi OP, my DD (very bright and articulate) has ASD of the PDA kind and while we don't have massive issues over bathing, I can relate to the type of situation.

I have bribed DD into the bath by telling her she can eat something tempting while she's in it. Sometimes random stuff helps.

This is not your fault. ASD parenting can get very extreme and people who don't have to do it, don't get it (sadly that includes quite a few professionals). I belong to a local Facebook group for PDA parents and it's a great source of tips.

Good luck.

Whatever00 · 13/04/2022 20:46

Things will get better with the warmer weather. You can go swimming, get the paddling pool out or go to a splash pad. In the meantime flannel wash her or even better teach her how to flannel wash herself.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. We don't always get it right. However, you know you got it wrong and have reflected. Tomorrow is a different day. Hopefully it will be a better one.

RosiePosieDozy · 13/04/2022 20:46

Fun toys in the bath? Let her choose some toys, any toys in a shop, that she would like to use at bath time. Make it fun and wash her when she's distracted playing.

iolaus · 13/04/2022 20:49

What temperature do you have the bath?

My son always used to hate it when there was warm water - even what I called tepid would be too warm for him - however if he had a cold bath he'd be happy to go in (always hated hair washing though)

BlanketsBanned · 13/04/2022 20:51

Use the paddling pool if she loves them. You can grqdualky move it from the garden and use it in the bath

Echobelly · 13/04/2022 20:54

My DD was like this at age 3 with getting nails clipped - absolute screaming meltdowns! (and frankly after a while I felt like having a screaming meltdown) I probably managed to leave marks on her while trying to get her to stay in place and not accidentally chop the tips of her fingers off - it happens.

Lovemusic33 · 13/04/2022 20:55

My dd hated baths (still does at the age of 18 🤣), she has Aspergers and has always hated water. At a similar age to your dd my dd refused to get in the bath, I tried many thing but one thing that worked was putting ball pit balls in the bath so she couldn’t see the water.

Wet wipes are great things as is a bucket of water and soap.

ZippyZap · 13/04/2022 20:56

Can you try turning it into a sensory bath? Turn the lights off get some light up flashing ducks, maybe glow sticks in it too? They do rainbow bath fizzs (although hugely over priced) and maybe ask her if she wants to just sit on the edge dipping her toes in or playing with the ducks whilst not in the bath. Do this every day and maybe after a few days she might sit in it for a bath?

chaosrabbitland · 13/04/2022 20:56

i had all this with my dd when she was a toddler , i just used to wash her using a bowl and flannel and eventually in time she agreed to one day try a bath again , i wouldnt report yourself to ss at all , i mean ss can point you in the right direction towards parenting groups who can help you if your struggling with behaviour , but i dont think you should report yourself to them no . you can find parenting places yourself or via your health visitor without contacting ss

AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 20:56

I would be careful with the marks tbh, if school see them they will report it and that is a lot of marks and bruises it shouldn’t be getting to that point and the school will raise multiple marks like this as a safeguarding concern.

Franklyfrost · 13/04/2022 20:57
  1. make baths predictable, connect it with another activity so you can say something like ‘today is Monday which means we go to dance class and then have a bath’
  2. don’t alter from this pattern unless absolutely absolutely necessary
  3. ask what is upsetting and watch: is there a specific fear? Maybe water over the head or in eyes or the cold or noises associated with bathing or the enclosed shape of the bath is the bath worst than the shower etc.
  4. if there is a fear then present a solution, it might be bathing in the sink or with ear plugs or in a baby bath or with a towel to hold over her face etc
  5. don’t turn it into a fight. If it needs to be a sponge bath and dry shampoo and some baby wipes that’s better than bruises and scratches.
  6. Stay calm, if you’re fearful of bath times your kid will pick that up
  7. check developmental milestones are being met
  8. don’t call ss but do contact your gp and refuse to leave until the signpost you to someone who can help if you try the above steps for 2 months and you still can’t clean her in any way
DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 20:58

First thought is, would she use the shower?
Second, definitely speak to your GP now about this, both for advice from someone about the immediate issue (she needs to be clean but refuses - quite important for them to prioritise you) and then to get an assessment for autism.
Third - totally not your fault so don’t feel bad. And should you ever get reported by anyone else, you’re covered because your GP will already know about it.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 13/04/2022 20:59

DD went through the anti-baths stage at that age, she's 7 now and I still have to nag her through washing her hair.

Try if you can to not rise to it. If she wont have a bath, try her with a shower even f it's the ones that slip over the bath taps if you don't have a shower. Or just fill up a bowl and let her wash with a flannel it will be fine.

When it comes to hair washing, it only really needs doing once or twice a week so don't do battle more often then you have to. Try getting one of the hair washing visor things or some swimming goggles and see if that helps.

What randomly worked for us to get her back in the bath without fuss was to offer it up in the middle of the day as a fun thing one day rather than a hygiene thing. It was a hot day, she was bored so I said why not go give the dolls a bubble bath, filled the bath up with loads of bubbles and she jumped in with her doll and that was that.

I think it had become a thing that was loaded with tension and when it became just fun she relaxed.

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 20:59

@TabithaTittlemouse

She seems so bright and clever Hmm

I can’t even be bothered

Don’t be so unkind.

The OP meant her daughter is intelligent enough to understand what the bath is and why we need to wash etc

As for other posters - no you don’t need to report yourself - you were trying to contain your children NOT hurt her.

I’m holding my son’s hand and he twists it out of mine hard as we are crossing the road - I technically hurt him. But actually he hurt himself - of course if he needed medical treatment seek it - but report no. HV won’t help you.

OP don’t rule in or out autism etc but deal with the problem in hand - can you wash you, or voice what she doesn’t want or like or discuss why we need to wash - is there a pet like a dog she can wash or a cuddly toy!

She what she will do and work from there. Please DM me if I can help my eldest screamed blue murder over the bath - I tried everything - showing her the plug hole won’t allow larger objects down, temperature control etc she eventually and I worked out what it was - random and personal
Reason - and once we cracked it - it sorted itself out.