To report myself to social services?

[Kddie]

My daughter (4) has recently started refusing baths. Point blank. Nothing I say will budge her and she has screaming tantrums if I even attempt. To the point that when I forced her to bath the other day, she writhed and threw herself around the bath so much she has ended up with scratches and bruises. I was trying to stop her from literally launching herself out of the bath! Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Today was a new low. She got some chocolate in her hair, so it needed to be washed out. I tried to explain to her that I could wash her hair over the sink, if she really didn't want to go in the bath, she kicked off. I managed to get her hair wet before she really lost it. Kicking screaming and I had to do all I could to hold her still.

After we were done, I noticed she had some red marks and bruise like marks on her back from where I tried to hold her still. I didn't want to hurt her at all and I have been crying constantly since, she is happy and I have put some cream on it, but I feel truly awful and feel like I should report myself to social services.

I have Asperger's and as an adult I still shower and bath avoid 🙁 I know I need to keep clean and I do force myself to do it but hate the sensation of water on my head or skin.

Things I've found help are washing my hair over the sink using a jug to pour the water - I can cope with my head wet if the rest of my body is fully clothed and having a full strip down wash instead of a shower (I do shower every other day)

Your dd is only little and it can be a complete sensory overload which she may be unable to articulate- hair washing when I was a child was a scream fest from start to finish with my dad holding me down so my mum could wash it 😞

To be fair i say bruise but its more like a redness, its gone down massively since.

The scratches were my fault, i was holding her arms to stop her literallly flailing herself out of the bath tub, i just washed her hair quick as i could and scooped her out.

Thanks for all the advice guys, I have taken it all in and am going to take steps RE: Asd assessment etc, and have ordered a paddling pool for when the weather warms up (our old one has a puncture) might just chuck her a bar of soap and leave her to it. Ha.

Another voice to say maybe also have a quick read of the PDA Society website, as it is a form of autism but responds to totally different parenting techniques than ASD-formerly-known-as-Aspergers.
For that, you'd need to make it feel like her idea, for example suggesting playing a pretend game in the bath.

How does she feel about baths in the sink? Or facecloth strip washes? May be less traumatising for both of you if you’ve not already tried.

What about taking her shopping to buy some new bath toys? ☺️ Or taking her shopping for a new towel / flannel / soap bits with the designs of something she’s into?

I used to put food colouring in my DCs baths (let them chose) and so many bubbles that they had loads to play with and blow giant bubbles over their heads. Might help?

Oh yes, you can buy the flannels that are packed tightly and grow/open up in water. They’re fun and cheap from supermarket

No I would not report yourself.

Just be patient. Don’t make it an issue but encourage her to bathe.

If she likes paddling pools and swimming I think I would try taking her weekly to the swimming pool and build her confidence again around water and bathing. Talk to her about self care in a way she will understand - about looking after our bodies, not being smelly etc.

If she goes to nursery you could speak to them and they could maybe reinforce it within nursery.

Ultimately though a trip to the GP might be needed for further assessment.

My daughter was the same at that age, in truth it continued with hair washing till she was about 9. I too felt like the worst mum in the world.. I washed her with a flannel stood up in the bath with a couple of inches of water, or stood in the bathroom, progressed from their in tiny steps with lots of distraction in the bath, glitter bath bubbles, toys, pots, pans, flowers in the water gosh I tried everything - bath crayons were the winner for us. We'd play, draw, write stuff, play noughts and crosses etc and I'd wash her as best I could.

Hair washing I never cracked, she screamed so bad it was like someone was being murdered. The slightest drop of water or sense of moisture and she'd lose the plot completely. Didn't help she had masses of hair that she refused point blank to cut - no hair dresser would touch her as she'd lose the plot. She was 10 before she had a decent cut (she could sit on her hair by then). In the end I taught her to do it herself when she was 9. Took her to that age to use a shower too.. Interestingly she had the same issue with the potty training as well. While she's not ND she was very triggered by certain sensory things, still is - labels in clothes, anything sticky on her hands etc.

@hiredandsqueak

My ASD son used to hate the bath how I got round it was to get a laundry basket. Should add he didn't wear clothes in the house so getting undressed wasn't an issue.To start I encouraged him to sit in it, then I'd zoom him round in it downstairs. The laundry basket went upstairs I'd zoom him round upstairs. In time we'd zoom into the bathroom and straight out. More weeks later the basket went in the bathand i'd zoom him up and down the bath in a the basket. When he was happy in the basket in the bath I'd start adding water before the basket went in the bath and he'd laugh at the splashing. In time I could bathe him in the basket in the bath. It was because he felt unsafe in the bath, the basket limited the size and made him feel more secure.

That’s brilliant- so creative and gentle. What a thoughtful way to do it. Patience and kindness goes such a long way sometimes.

My sister and her son both have autism and it really can be quite different in boys and girls. If you suspect she may have it then start the processes asap as girls are harder to diagnose so it can take a long time.

Autism can be a difficult thing to understand and deal with, my nephew (12) has recently started refusing to bath/shower, it took a while to get out of him the reason why and it turns out he had just seen a couple of hairs one day in the bath from when my sister had washed her hair, even though she has been cleaning the bath & removing hairs he still wouldn't get in and for now he has to shower at my mums house until he gets through this phase

Just know that you are not a bad mum you are just trying to do your best 🥰

Try not to be so critical of yourself. I have a similar issue with one of mine. The bathing and the teeth brushing and even going to the loo. She won’t do it. Always a battle. I honestly can’t put my hands on her to help because I’d fear I would be rough- unintentionally- but if she struggles and I’m brushing teeth for example I feel I could hurt her. I have to take deep breaths and step away. So for now she barely baths. She sometimes does a quick pretend with the teeth. I worry but would rather her unclean than have to physically hold her.

So don’t feel bad. My advice is to leave the bathing. Come back to it when she’s more amenable. See if she will accept washing herself with a flannel.

Go and make yourself a hot drink and take a breather. And I say this as an uptight shouty mum. (Which I feel badly about). But I’ve realised- step away a bit more.

Most kids go through this stage I remember dd jumping out the bath soaking wet screaming like she was being murdered ran downstairs and slipped on the wooden floor because she was wet ending up with a big bump in back off her head,
I think she was about 3 at the time. what I done was leave her to go without a bath for 5/6 days never even asked is she wanted one then let her see I was running a bath for myself I wasn't it was for her told her it was for me tho and guess who suddenly wanted a bath yes dd did I had todo that for a couple off weeks then she was fine again.

I hope that didn’t come across that I would want to hurt my child- I most definitely wouldn’t. I meant to say if you have to put your hands on your child to get them to do something then you’re running the risk of inadvertently hurting them. So I think best to stay gentle and forget about the bath for a while.

christ no don't speak to the social services they're awful, I suggest maybe forgetting the baths at the moment just do body washes - explain in your own time to you DD that people bath and shower to keep themselves clean and why this is important (if people wash they smell nice etc). If you seek help there should be as someone else said, a children's centre or you could call the health visitor and say that you need some advice and would like to meet if possible, in my experience children's centres are better than SS who only look mainly at child protection, you aren't describing child protection issue but that you are in need of support.
Don't beat yourself up, you have recognised that something needs to change and so its just actioning this now

@Kddie will you dd play in a paddling pool in the summer ? If there's no bath or bowl of water in sight. Would she let you sponge her down?

Reach out to health visitor/school nurse/senco or nursery if she's in nursery still

We had similar with DD at that age. My DD managed about 1 bath a week for quite a while. A smaller tub with water or a paddling pool helped for us. She’s totally grown out of it now so don’t panic, just be patient. She also had sensory issues she grew out of. Don’t fret about a diagnosis, she just needs a different approach and for you to lower your expectations.

Have you tired to get in the bath with her? I’m my DD is 3 but hates having her hair washed and will only have it done when I’m in the shower/bath with her. She’ll wash her own hair first then I’ll do properly. Also, I have little water guns, bath crayons, basket ball net ect to keep her distracted.

PDA DS here. We've just had 4 nights in a row of tooth brushing refusal. I shouted on night 4, but got nowhere. Miraculously, the supermarket had pokemon electric toothbrushes for sale yesterday, which meant teeth were brushed last night. Honestly, this stuff is so hard for both parent and child. But you cannot force, it's absolutely not worth the trauma it causes the both of you. The only time I've forced was when he vomited in the middle of the night and it was in his hair. We had a scream fest of a shampoo at 3am with a feverish DS and my DH and I trying to be as quick and gentle as possible. He's 7 now, and much more amenable to a bribe. He occasionally submits to a hair wash in exchange for a roll of bubble gum.

My son who was a little younger than your DD, started to have a thing about baths. After investigating and questioning it turned out that he had this fear of being sucked down the plughole! I demonstrated that my hand wouldn't go past the plughole even when the water was being sucked out so he certainly wouldn't be sucked down. I don't know why he got the idea in his head either but he was genuinely terrified.

He hated swimming and wouldn't go deeper than ankle deep. If tried to take him deeper he clung to me like a limpet. Eventually at 14 or so, I asked him if he wanted to make on last ditch effort at learning to swim. I booked him in for private lessons and then group classes. For the first time in his life he was "the tall boy" because most of the others were about 7 years old. He was initially very embarassed but progressed through the grades and ended up a competent swimmer who knew what to do in the case of a capsizing boat! (They had a safety drill where children were deliberately tossed out of an inflatable which was was capsized - it sounds barbaric but it was the highlight of the term for the kids.)

Aww, you poor thing OP. I really felt for you, reading your post. Hope the situation improves soon

Do not report yourself and please stop crying, as you have done nothing wrong. You only really need to bath a child once a week as they do not smell until hormones start, or if they get dirty. You did not mention it but are you using an eye shield to keep shampoo out of her eyes.

Hi please don't be so harsh on yourself. Please ignore the post that is attacking you. They're just their to judge.

You haven't done anything wrong besides be a good mother and do the right thing. I think you're overwhelmed and are writing this post as a cry for help. Although your later posts show you've calmed down since then.

My daughter would hate having a bath too until I got inside with her and her barbies every time. She's 4 and having her hair washed is a nightmare as she hates the water in her eyes.

Please be kind to yourself. Be patient and let time and experience do its job.

Does she enjoy swimming op? If she likes that, could you shower afterwards? Or is it immersion in all water that's the problem?