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AIBU?

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Original poster

To report myself to social services?

154 replies

Kddie · 13/04/2022 18:56

My daughter (4) has recently started refusing baths. Point blank. Nothing I say will budge her and she has screaming tantrums if I even attempt. To the point that when I forced her to bath the other day, she writhed and threw herself around the bath so much she has ended up with scratches and bruises. I was trying to stop her from literally launching herself out of the bath! Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Today was a new low. She got some chocolate in her hair, so it needed to be washed out. I tried to explain to her that I could wash her hair over the sink, if she really didn't want to go in the bath, she kicked off. I managed to get her hair wet before she really lost it. Kicking screaming and I had to do all I could to hold her still.

After we were done, I noticed she had some red marks and bruise like marks on her back from where I tried to hold her still. I didn't want to hurt her at all and I have been crying constantly since, she is happy and I have put some cream on it, but I feel truly awful and feel like I should report myself to social services.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 13/04/2022 20:59

@Kddie who knows why you posted? You marked your kid, that’s not ok.

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 21:00

@Fulmine

I'd suggest getting her assessed by a sensory integration trained occupational therapist, as this sounds very much like a sensory problem.
Sometimes these referrals can take years - it’s 3 years here for an autism assessment
Phineyj · 13/04/2022 21:00

Frankly's advice is good.

Geminio · 13/04/2022 21:02

Hi OP,
You said she is soiling herself sometimes and won’t sit on the toilet, do you think she might be withholding her poo?
My dd is a dreadful stool withholder and wouldn’t get in the bath as the warm water relaxed the muscles and she couldn’t hold on anymore. She is on movicol (a laxative) now which has sorted it out. Might be worth a chat with the gp about her toileting.
I hope you find a solution, there is obviously something bothering her.

Phineyj · 13/04/2022 21:02

Oh, the other random thing that worked for us (and still does) is bathing her with her little friend from next door!

ElenaSt · 13/04/2022 21:05

Not read the other comments but it used to be the norm to have a bath once a week and a strip wash on the other days.

When mine were small we used to call it a ‘Dicky, bum wash’ which they thought was hilarious and made them keen to stand at the sink and be washed whilst they giggled at the ‘rude’ words!

Especially my daughter who thought the word ‘Dicky’ was hysterical.

😬

Obviously a dicky, bum wash includes face, hands and feet!

Thereluctantgrownup · 13/04/2022 21:06

Hi OP, social care are primarily focused on safeguarding issues, however, it could be worth having a chat with them as they do want to support parents who are struggling. They could point you in the direction of your health visitor/school nurse/GP or your local early help services which would probably be more appropriate for you in your current circumstances. Or you could Google early help services in your area and self refer, or ask your daughters nursery/school to refer you.

AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 21:07

@Thereluctantgrownup

Hi OP, social care are primarily focused on safeguarding issues, however, it could be worth having a chat with them as they do want to support parents who are struggling. They could point you in the direction of your health visitor/school nurse/GP or your local early help services which would probably be more appropriate for you in your current circumstances. Or you could Google early help services in your area and self refer, or ask your daughters nursery/school to refer you.
It will be a safeguarding issue if the school/nursery see multiple bruises and marks on a child done by “mummy”
StScholastica · 13/04/2022 21:07

To be honest OP using terms like "I Forced her" and twice leaving bruises on her back are red flags to me however you try to frame it.
I have a DD with PDA autism, I get that life can be really hard but you shouldn't be "forcing her" anything and you definitely should not be leaving bruises on her.
I can't get the image of you trying to hold a writhing kicking 4 year old in the bath Sad you must have been rough to have left marks on her, did it not occur to you that she must have been terrified? Its not surprising that she's now scared of you washing her hair.
Try a gentler approach. She's 4, just use baby wipes and let her bathe her teddies in a baby bath to build her confidence up a bit.
Also if you seriously think you both have autism then go and start the ball rolling by getting assessed.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 13/04/2022 21:07

Sorry OP, I’ve just read your comments. I’ve been through this phase twice with my girls. Here are the things I’ve tried with various success at different times

  • bath bombs
  • shallow baths/deep baths
  • my youngest likes cool baths
  • crazy soap
  • various different toys/bath pens/disco lights, glow sticks
  • new towel
  • baths with others
  • showers
  • lots of water play during the day
  • running a deep ish bath and just allowing them to stand outside the bath and play with water
Whybot · 13/04/2022 21:08

Swimming twice a week will do the job of washing and maybe help break the cycle ?

AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 21:10

@StScholastica

To be honest OP using terms like "I Forced her" and twice leaving bruises on her back are red flags to me however you try to frame it. I have a DD with PDA autism, I get that life can be really hard but you shouldn't be "forcing her" anything and you definitely should not be leaving bruises on her. I can't get the image of you trying to hold a writhing kicking 4 year old in the bath Sad you must have been rough to have left marks on her, did it not occur to you that she must have been terrified? Its not surprising that she's now scared of you washing her hair. Try a gentler approach. She's 4, just use baby wipes and let her bathe her teddies in a baby bath to build her confidence up a bit. Also if you seriously think you both have autism then go and start the ball rolling by getting assessed.
Exactly, it’s alarming leaving marks and bruises on a child. Surprised so many think it’s ok school will certainly be concerned if they saw them.
LessObviousName · 13/04/2022 21:10

My daughter has autism and a SPD. Although she hasn’t refused the bath/shower to the extent you have described I remember her refusing to use the bath when we moved into a new property. Over several days of taking it slow with a flannel wash I then said she needed to sit on the edge of the bath with her feet in the water and wash herself with the flannel. Eventually over the course of time she eventually sat in the bath of her own accord.

We also have a reward chart to tackle whatever issues are currently with mixed success.

It’s maybe trying to read up on different methods and finding what works for you/her.

Good luck, and don’t feel bad x

Miyazaker · 13/04/2022 21:14

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Kddie who knows why you posted? You marked your kid, that’s not ok.[/quote]
She knows!

You love to stick the boot in, don't you @Pumperthepumper ?

Jumpup5 · 13/04/2022 21:17

What about a paddling pool in the living room? My dd went through a stage of this at 3. Point blank refused, became hysterical. Also has similar issues to your dd re. Using potty for poos.

I just got a cheap paddling pool from home bargains and some warm water. At first it was just the toys going in and then she'd stand and splash and eventually sat down, top and shorts still on. I blamed her toys for splashing and getting her hair wet and we laughed at them for being silly. It got her to view water differently and she doesn't mind baths now.

Pumperthepumper · 13/04/2022 21:17

Yes, people bruising their kids should not be told that’s absolutely normal. It isn’t, and it shouldn’t be accepted as normal.

Robinni · 13/04/2022 21:21

Your daughter needs assessment for ASD.

We’ve had various meltdowns over baths, showering and tooth brushing… hair cuts he used to go almost blue he’d scream so much and still runs the risk of injuring himself or the hairdresser.

Try bathing with her. Here’s what helped us.

Using a cup rather than shower for rinsing (less noisy), giving him a cold sponge after washing to cover his eyes.

Most of all what helped was play acting and tuning into specific interests. Luckily our son has a specific interest in sealife, so I turned it into a journey across the ocean; for the teeth I pretended to be a cleaner fish putting on an American accent and discussing how I’d seen the scary flying shark and the orca etc that day. The screaming stopped, he still gives off but it is easier.

I have also pretended to be a lobster and an alien. The point is take the stress out of it and make it into a relaxing game that gradually they associate with positive experiences rather than sensory torture.

I hope this helps. X

Ladywinesalot · 13/04/2022 21:23

OP be kind to yourself.
4 year old tantrums are horrid they are bigger and stronger then 2 year olds and expect them to behave better.

Your DD should be able to have a bath without tantruming but is being stubborn.

Do you have a shower?

ancientgran · 13/04/2022 21:26

One of mine went through a phase like this. I kept them clean by using a baby bath they would stand in and then I'd wash them, worked up to using a jug to rinse them off, first just over from waist down and worked up. Did hair using swimming goggles.

I think he was frightened but did get his confidence and was swimming like a fish by the time he was 6.

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2022 21:27

I had to have an eye op, and wasn't allowed to wash my hair for a week. Eeeyuuuk. So I systematically wiped micellar water with a makeup remover pad all over the scalp. Cleanest hair ever!

Emmelina · 13/04/2022 21:37

I wouldn’t rule out ASD, two of mine are and are chalk and cheese!
Something that worked for both at bathtime was making the room nice and dark and putting glow sticks in the water to make it a sensory bath. Worth a go - you can usually pick up a pack in Poundland. Good luck - you’re doing a good job however it feels right now. Flowers

Allinhistiming · 13/04/2022 21:40

Hi OP my 4yo has presented with some challenging behaviours over the years. We have blamed lockdown and coming from a small family. When she started nursery in September 2020 her nursery teacher raised some concerns over her social skills. She suggested we take her to see an OT. She never presented challenging behaviour at school. We went to a private OT as an assessment would take over 2 years and it was the best money spent. Her refusal to climb and sit on toilet etc was addressed by doing some exercises. The OT said she had no social issues at all. Her social skills eventually came on and she is talking and playing with other kids now. She is near end of P1 now and all that is history now. Everyone has different ideas but private occupational therapy is so eye opening. You're doing great by the way she's only 4 and plenty of time to learn and grow.

drpet49 · 13/04/2022 21:40

I am shocked by the number of posts minimising what the OP has done. She forces her child to do things and has bruised and left marks on her child on more than one occasion.

She needs reporting

Katya213 · 13/04/2022 21:43

Give her a shower, let her hold the shower head and rinse herself down standing or sitting. Don’t be holding her down, you’re traumatising her and yourself. It’s not worth it,

EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/04/2022 21:46

No. I have restrained my DS when he was younger and losing control.

A swimming pool might work wedge it into the bathtub or just a basin of water allowing her play while using a very soft sponge.

When DS was younger ASD I washed him in a pool throughout the summer months, cloth washing other times.

Feel free to contact SS for support if it helps.

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