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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report myself to social services?

154 replies

Kddie · 13/04/2022 18:56

My daughter (4) has recently started refusing baths. Point blank. Nothing I say will budge her and she has screaming tantrums if I even attempt. To the point that when I forced her to bath the other day, she writhed and threw herself around the bath so much she has ended up with scratches and bruises. I was trying to stop her from literally launching herself out of the bath! Guilt ridden doesn't even describe it.

Today was a new low. She got some chocolate in her hair, so it needed to be washed out. I tried to explain to her that I could wash her hair over the sink, if she really didn't want to go in the bath, she kicked off. I managed to get her hair wet before she really lost it. Kicking screaming and I had to do all I could to hold her still.

After we were done, I noticed she had some red marks and bruise like marks on her back from where I tried to hold her still. I didn't want to hurt her at all and I have been crying constantly since, she is happy and I have put some cream on it, but I feel truly awful and feel like I should report myself to social services.

OP posts:
IAMGE · 13/04/2022 19:38

Dry shampoo is an option too

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 19:39

Wash face warm flannel and then do legs and arms etc no need for bath

whywhythough · 13/04/2022 19:44

Will she shower?

LuluF91 · 13/04/2022 19:44

Feel for you... my son was this level of difficult except it was that he was fine in the baby bath but then showering was a nightmare, I used to get so anxious as he would be nearly falling over etc. In desperate times when I really can't get near him I use a tiny drop of shampoo on a wet sponge and try wash his hair in a more controlled way with him holding a towel. As for your initial question, absolutely would not report you or anyone to social regarding this, try not beat yourself up.

Unsure33 · 13/04/2022 19:45

I was going to say give your self a break for a while and strip wash . You also can get waterless shampoo bags .

Run the water in the sink before she has a wash .

Then on another day let her come and talk to you while you are having a lovely bubbly bath .

Just have a rest from the stress and then approach it , with some help ,if necessary a bit later .

FATEdestiny · 13/04/2022 19:45

You need to discuss this with a professional. In an open and honest way.

  • Health visitor
  • GP
  • Local children's centre
  • Hospital if shes actually injured
Pumperthepumper · 13/04/2022 19:46

No, you shouldn’t be leaving marks on your child. So it’s up to you (the adult) to find a solution that won’t result in this kind of conflict.

So:

A bath with an inch of water she can slash in

A spray can you can wash her hair with

A game - like a sprinkler outside she can jump into

Dry brushing her hair to avoid water

Bribe her with screen time or chocolate in the bath or a special bubble bath or anything at all that takes the stress out of getting wet.

FTEngineerM · 13/04/2022 19:47

I second getting in with her, I do with ours and we take toys in like tea pot/saucepan/bowls from his kitchen and he legit loves it 😂.

Babyvenusplant · 13/04/2022 19:49

A lot of children go through the hating bath stage, it won't last forever op. It won't hurt her not to wash for a while.

You didn't purposely hurt your daughter, new day tomorrow Flowers

MissMaple82 · 13/04/2022 19:51

My daughter went through a phase just like this probablyaround a similar age, its was absolutely bloody awful. I used to have to ask my parents to come over and help because I'd get so anxious! It was just that though, a phase, eventually it passed and now she loves baths. Keep the faith!

TweenTrauma · 13/04/2022 19:51

My dd2 has autism and went through a stage of this when she was 2-3. It was like a genuine terror of water, she also refused to go into swimming pools. Just happened suddenly one day, she loved both before then one day suddenly scared witless for no apparent reason.

Luckily it was during warmer weather and what I did was have a large plastic storage box outside which I filled up with warm water and some bubbles, and for some reason that was acceptable. And she’d let me sponge her down while she was sat in it, including her hair. So her hair didn’t get a proper wash but at least it was cleanish.

And then after a few months of that, the whole bath fear stopped as soon as it started.

hiredandsqueak · 13/04/2022 19:53

My ASD son used to hate the bath how I got round it was to get a laundry basket. Should add he didn't wear clothes in the house so getting undressed wasn't an issue.To start I encouraged him to sit in it, then I'd zoom him round in it downstairs. The laundry basket went upstairs I'd zoom him round upstairs. In time we'd zoom into the bathroom and straight out. More weeks later the basket went in the bathand i'd zoom him up and down the bath in a the basket. When he was happy in the basket in the bath I'd start adding water before the basket went in the bath and he'd laugh at the splashing. In time I could bathe him in the basket in the bath. It was because he felt unsafe in the bath, the basket limited the size and made him feel more secure.

Jossbow · 13/04/2022 19:54

Would she stand in a bowl of water in the bathroom, or even the kitchen, with a few inches of water in? or play with a bowl of water/wash up etc? Will she bath her dolls in said water?

what ws shelike last summer in a paddling pool? does she swim/play in a swimming pool?

trying and decide if its a water aversion or a bath one.

What would happen if you remove the potty? What does she do at school fo a wee?

Myunicornis · 13/04/2022 19:54

My daughter used to do the exact same thing around this age.
It is most likely just a phase.... I can't remember when she stopped and even now at 6 isn't the best at getting her hair washed but we manage.
My advice, if you can, is just give her a really good was down with a flannel and some warm soapy water.
The hair thing, you could try and tell her she can do her own?

TabithaTittlemouse · 13/04/2022 19:56

She seems so bright and clever

Hmm

I can’t even be bothered

Whatinallthatisholy · 13/04/2022 19:58

Just a thought, but ours went through a phase of being terrified of baths. I'd unwittingly turned the tap on whilst they were in it and it had scared them. It took a few weeks of just wiping down and trying to keep hair clean via towel and flannel and moving on to bath run and just playing with our hands in it, then I hopped in whilst they played from outside, to then sitting on the edge of the bath, to in the bath with me and then flying solo. Was the most frustrating, tedious few weeks but we've had no issues since. For her to be fine then freak is it possible she's had choked on a bit of water or something and just needs her confidence building back up with water?

IamMydaughtersMum · 13/04/2022 20:01

Social services will not help you.

Has someone other than you bathed her recently, might they have been a bit rough washing her hair etc causing the sudden change.

Would she get in the bath for a water play with no attempts at washing? Coloured water with food colouring, baff gel or shaving foam play. Anything to get her willingly in water?

M0RVEN · 13/04/2022 20:02

My son with ASD is a teenager and he still has to be reminded many times to bathe / shower. One thing he dislikes is water on his face, so he wears a snorkel mask or swimming goggles in the shower.

He also went through a phase of wearing a rash vest in the shower ( but bottom half ) because he said he got cold. Which is odd as he generally dislikes clothes and often wears only a dressing gown in the house.

I mention these in case either of these things are issues for your DD @Kddie

JessicaBrassica · 13/04/2022 20:03

Might be worth referring yourself to OT too. Or going via your GP if they only accept referrals from professionals. Check your local referral criteria. Some places only accept functional difficulties - so flag up the bathing issue.

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 20:15

@TerraNovaTwo

Crikey. How do think social services might help with this, OP? They have far more grave situations to deal with than you trying to force your DD to bath. Confused

Can't you bath her every second or third night? If she enjoys say X, run her a bubble bath with some fun bath toys, and say "First it's bath time then it's X/we can do X" or "When you've had a quick wash, then it's X or Y or Z".

It's more the fact that I have inadvertently injured her whilst doing so.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 20:17

@TabithaTittlemouse

She seems so bright and clever Hmm

I can’t even be bothered

Oh don't! I'm not saying autistic children aren't! I'm just saying she presents so differently than my son who was non verbal at her age!

Give it a rest!

OP posts:
PlasticineMeg · 13/04/2022 20:18

I honestly wouldn’t. Your experience will largely go on the social worker you’d get assigned. If you have one who thinks every time you fart it’s a ‘concern’, or who sees problems where there isn’t any, or who is looking for a case of abuse, you will regret your actions. They have all the power, you have none.

Original poster
Kddie · 13/04/2022 20:19

@Pumperthepumper

No, you shouldn’t be leaving marks on your child. So it’s up to you (the adult) to find a solution that won’t result in this kind of conflict.

So:

A bath with an inch of water she can slash in

A spray can you can wash her hair with

A game - like a sprinkler outside she can jump into

Dry brushing her hair to avoid water

Bribe her with screen time or chocolate in the bath or a special bubble bath or anything at all that takes the stress out of getting wet.

I'm well aware I shouldn't! Why do you think I posted?!
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 13/04/2022 20:19

I would try her with bath slime and all of the fun things.
I remember my DD having a fun bubble washing machine that she could only use in the bath.
I’d also buy toys that she can play with in the bath even if she doesn’t go in there herself with them just yet.

I would not force her in the bath unnecessarily.
Sometimes I think the more you push they more they resist.

I remember my DD going through this phase and I stopped trying to fight it apart from once a week on sundays where we got into a routine of having a bath/shower and then getting into our PJs and watching a film with hot chocolate and sweets.
It took a long time but taking away the pressure of the bath helped.

AnnoyingButLovelyDH · 13/04/2022 20:23

Hi OP! Don't know if this helps but I'd suggest a gently gently approach to bathtime.

A little reward if she can stand up in the bath on day 1. On day 2 another reward if she can sit down with no tantrum. Repeat for day 3 if necessary. Once she's mastered that, try reading a story and making it fun. When she's cracked that ask if you can gently por water on her hair for a reward. Another story, some playing. Build up slowly to washing hair.

She need to associate Nath with fun. At the moment she sounds acres of it and associating it with a horrible time.

It doesn't matter if she's dirty for a few days, main thing is to get her gradually back to it and make it fun.

In the meantime, don't beat yourself up :) you r doing fine Flowers