To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

You can legally change your name to anything you like please pick Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock 🤣🤣

@Nameproblemsagain

In the circumstances, what I think I'd do is just bite the bullet; get rid of the joke forename and pick a nice, new middle name that suits the name you've always been called. Be the kind, responsible, considerate parent to yourself you wish your own parents had been.

It sounds like what your parents did was shitty.

But you're an adult now, and can make better choices for yourself. You can take control of this.

I agree, some therapy might be a good idea.

You could always just accept that your legal name is also your name, and tell people, when it's relevant, that you prefer to go by your regular name.

You really don't have to be a slave to your emotions about this.

You can’t change what happened in the past with regard to your parents’ choice. However, your anger can perhaps best be processed in therapy.

So you have two choices now - live with the name you hate, or change it to one you feel is right. Both choices cause you hassle and pain, neither is a perfect happy ever after. Within those constraints, what choice gives you the best final outcome?

Yes, it’s shit that someone else’s choices have left you with this mess. What power do you have now to do something about it, and how will you use that power?

No-one has bitten your head off, you’ve had a lot of support here. What do you want?

You need to change your name to the one you want and then go and have some counselling about your feelings over the original name.

I have a few people in my life known by their middle name, each one was a revelation when I found out. None of them have the reaction to their first name as you have, it’s just part of their identity in the same way for many of us, our middle names are.

This reminds me of a girl I knew at school whose name was Emma-Jayne. At the start of every school year when new teachers would read her name out for the register she’d grit her teeth and tell them “my name’s Emma”. But it isn’t though. Her name is Emma-Jayne - it was her preference to be called Emma, she was known as Emma. You’re the same. Your name is whatever it legally is on your birth certificate, you’re just known as your middle name.

You can change your name at the bank with deed poll documents, and you won’t have to explain anything when you start a new job 🙄 you just say “hello, my name is Joanne Bloggs, here’s my proof of right to work”. They really won’t give a shit if you have changed your name, it’s so normal now.

You are creating roadblocks that are easily resolved

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

No you don’t?!?

I changed my name by deadpoll and have never been called my old name

Not once

That’s silly.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@OctopusSay this is what I’ve had all my life, being told I’m using the wrong name, I don’t know what my name is, why did they call me if I wasn’t going to be known as .[/quote]
Maybe they picked out what they thought was a nice name, registered it & then realised it sounded odd, so they called you something else as a nickname. Or maybe someone asked what they'd called you & burst out laughing at their answer. Who knows? Have you tried asking them?

It's not always possible to get the perfect name. DH suggested a first name which had so many lovely & appropriate connotations that I went for it immediately. We then spent hours going through the phone book looking at surnames & howling with laughter as we tried to come up with as many rude or insulting connotations as we could for each name, so that we could rule it out. I despaired of ever finding one - then it just appeared.

We thought it was bomb-proof, but I've since found that certain combinations of my initials & long/ short names can be odd or mildly amusing. It's fine, we just make a joke of it. And often people say what a nice name it is.

Changing your name is so simple, I think you’re overcomplicating it. Get it changed by deedpoll, that is your formal document to change your passport etc. Instead of getting angry, find out the right process first.

@Cocomarine

One thing’s for sure - your name’s not Elsa.

Hilarious

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

But is IS your name! I assume it's the name on your birth certificate! If your parents put 'Elizabeth' on your BC, then started calling you Sarah, Elizabeth is still your legal name, preferring to answer to Sarah, doesn't make it your name! The bank is not wrong to call you Elizabeth.

Changing your name legally to your known name is relatively easy and after the initial admin, shouldn't be a big deal going forward.

Be cross at your parents, not other people!!

Your parents were bloidy daft to do this,

It’s not through a solicitor.

You literally fill out a form. I paid £50

Someone signed it. Apart from for a DBS. I’ve never had to put my previous name. Never.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
My DS chose to change his name in his 20s.

Some official things are in his birth cert name, but every job he has had since change has been in his new name and it’s very, very common to be birth cert one name and known as another.

I think you should either deed pill change it or get over it.

We changed my daughters surname name by deed poll back in 2010, once it was done we then provided that certificate to the bank, school doctors etc and got a new passport with it on, its really not difficult or a big deal

All my bank accounts, passport, driving license, etc. are in the name I’m known by not the one on my birth certificate.
Initially, it was my passport and I had to get the photos countersigned (as normal) but with additional wording stating I was known by that name and had been for several years.
Never been an issue since.

My will, tax returns and ‘high level’ legal stuff is in my original name.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@Hellocatshome

For many of the above examples I couldn’t have changed my name because I wasn’t 18.

The problem is the thread has become about posters thinking biting my head off in as withering and sarcastic a way possible ‘solves’ the problem and it doesn’t, it goes far deeper than that.[/quote]
I changed my name at the age of 12. I refused to have the sperm donors name.

Perhaps you could have some counselling to help you deal with your pain and the anger and resentment you feel towards your parents?

Then once you are a bit more clear headed you can decide if you want, or need to change your name or not?

So is it like

Maiden name was Day, so parents thought it'd be funny to name you

Sunny Susan Day. For a laugh.

But referred to you as Susan from day 1

?

Did your first name and original surname go together in a way you felt was embarrassing?

Like Tits McGee, in reference to the movie Anchorman? Now that she's married and her last name is Smith, it's just Tits Smith, which isn't as funny.

Setting aside the fact that you would never have to explain to anyone that you'd changed your name once it was done, I don't understand why doing that is any harder than explaining the fact that you don't actually go by your legal name? And it would stop anyone ever calling you by this name which you have such a "visceral reaction" to?

@Nameproblemsagain

The problem isn’t really solved though.

As I’ve said I still have to refer to it on job apps etc and I need to explain why I changed it and tbh I don’t particularly want to get into it.

I do understand some people think that this is purely about the name and it isn’t.

No you don’t?!?

I've seen a lot of name changes at work, we never ask why, not even in the case where someone changed their name to something like Mr Cow. It's none of our business. We ask for deed poll certificate or decree absolute, do what we need to do and move on.

I'm absolutely lost.

Op: "I hate my name"
Mumsnet: "change it then"
Op: "Its too hard because ......"
Mumsnet: "its really not"
Op: “stop biting my head off I don't want to change my name!!“

Eh???? If it's not about your name don't post a thread about being annoyed about your name!