To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

In the kindness way I would seriously think about therapy. You are clearly very angry with your parents and I doubt it is solely the name. The anger will keep eating you if you let it.

I say this because using a middle name is not that uncommon and my Dad’s family had this as a tradition and I’ve not seen this kind of reaction. So he is (not real names) Mr Robert Andrew Smith but goes by Andrew Smith yes occasionally he gets called Robert but he just tells them “I use my middle name, Andrew” and 90% of the time they make a note and it is fine going forward. Yes harder where, perhaps as with c section, you have a series of busy professionals who don’t check the notes well enough.

I was in exactly the same position and reverted to my first name when I went to university. I was tired of explaining why my name on paper was different to what I was actually called. It was a little sad as my second name suited me better. My mother is still, decades later, hugely offended by my using my actual first name but she’s offended by everything. If I were you I’d name change and flip your first and second names around.

What have your parents said over the years about it and your unhappiness?

I’m so confused! What do you mean? Is it like your official name is Rebecca but you go by a Becky? Or do you mean you’ve always used a middle name?

Tbh for either I would just change it! It’s really not that big a deal. Think of all the women that change their surnames when they marry.

PS/ I’m still freaked out when I hear my second name being used to refer to others, so I have sympathy with your reaction to the bank staff. Not having one actual name can have a profound effect on identity.

@heartofgrass

So is it like

Maiden name was Day, so parents thought it'd be funny to name you

Sunny Susan Day. For a laugh.

But referred to you as Susan from day 1

?

That's a better example than my Tits McGee one.

Step one: change your name legally so you stop getting the reminders. Step two: get some therapy to deal with the trauma.

Am I the only one confused by this? How would the bank know your "real" name when their systems should, rightly so, show your legal name.
This is your problem to address OP, it's no one else's fault for automatically defaulting to your legal name (as (I guess) 99% of the population use their legal name so its a fair assumption)

@Fandangofran

I'm absolutely lost.

Op: "I hate my name"
Mumsnet: "change it then"
Op: "Its too hard because ......"
Mumsnet: "its really not"
Op: “stop biting my head off I don't want to change my name!!“

Eh???? If it's not about your name don't post a thread about being annoyed about your name!

Don’t forget.

Don’t want to change my name though…..

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

It is your name if it is on your birth certificate. Just change it you don’t have to explain to anyone ?

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
Sure but how often do you apply for a new job?

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

I get it. Not exactly the same but my parents gave me a name but then used a diminutive which I hated. I asked people to call me something else which is also associated with my name but very hard to get people to do it, I drew a line in the sand 57 years ago that I would not respond to that name but some family still do it.

I don't mind so much if it is close family who knew me as a young child, if other (yes late MIL) people want to insert themselves and use that name it makes me rage.

I obviously get the full name occasionally at hospital/bank that sort of thing but that isn't who I am, the name I hate isn't me either. Names matter.

I've been married twice, neither of them ever felt the need to call me anything other than the name I use, anything else is just bad manners in my opinion.

Op - *stamps foot and wails - ‘I hate my name.

Mumsnet - change it, it’s a simple procedure.

Op - *stamps foot. ‘I don’t want to do that’!

Thread - goes round and round in circles.

It makes some sort of sense to me op because I was known by my middle name (let’s say Jane) until I was about twenty. I actually started using my first name (let’s say Victoria) because I thought it would be easier.

I’m called Vicki though and when someone calls me Victoria I feel really uncomfortable because when that name was used at school by a teacher taking the register, I’d be made fun of mercilessly. It was a more amusing name than Victoria at the time although I like it now.

It’s not something I give much thought to though.

You could start wearing one of those first day at school badges with your preferred name on it

@ElenaSt

Op - *stamps foot and wails - ‘I hate my name.

Mumsnet - change it, it’s a simple procedure.

Op - *stamps foot. ‘I don’t want to do that’!

Thread - goes round and round in circles.

Please could you tell me where I’ve stamped my foot?

I may have said I’d prefer not to change my name but I haven’t been rude, biting, caustic or unpleasant about it.

Just change your name OP and put it all behind you

Kindly, have you talked to your parents about how horrible you find this?

Would a bit of talk therapy help you work through it?

@Booboobibles I do know what you mean but I think possibly you haven’t given much thought to it because Victoria is a normal sort of name, even though I don’t want to undermine what you mean either as I have a friend who is like that with Rebecca and she feels very strongly she is Becky.

Why on earth do you keep banging on about 'I don't want to have to explain my name change on job applications'???

YOU WILL NEVER NEED TO EXPLAIN IT ON A JOB APPLICATION....EVER!!

There, was that clear enough for you??? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Fuck me but you're hard work!!

Nowhere on a job application, ever, for any job, will there be a box that says: EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHY YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME!

They don't care why...really...they don't! And will never ask! There is occasionally (role dependent) a place to write any 'previously known as' names. Usually of course these will be surname changes for married women...but NEVER does it ask you to 'explain'.

You are making so many mountains for yourself here, out of a very small molehill...either change your sodding name, or shut up about it!!

In the kindest way, you need to see a therapist, or talk this out with someone so you can move on, because honestly, it's clearly not about the administrative hassle of changing your name, which really is minor (I applied for my son's first passport in his new name, with nothing but a 35quid deed poll from the UK service, and there was no problem at all)

In fact, when applying for your passport etc. you should have used the name you use every day, it's there in the instructions, and as it's your middle name it should 'just work' so something makes me think you continue to use it as an 'official' name almost to punish yourself or your parents.

Please, just see someone, talk this out, decide how you want to move on, because at the moment you are your own roadblock here.

"i've got a problem but I don't want to solve it"

When I read some of these posts, like that one above by @SpringIntoChaos all I can think is ‘and they think I am the one who needs therapy?’ I really don’t understand what is ‘hard work’ (never mind ‘fuck me hard work’) about disliking what my parents did to me and acknowledging this won’t be erased with a name change.

I don’t really have the time or money for therapy and I don’t think anything would necessarily be resolved.

Meanwhile, in Ukraine...💀🇺🇦

You don't want to change your name because then you'll have to find something else to be dramatic about. Seriously, you need to let it go. Either accept the name or change it. Either way, move on.