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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

465 replies

Nameproblemsagain · 13/04/2022 16:30

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameproblemsagain · 13/04/2022 18:36

@OctopusSay this is what I’ve had all my life, being told I’m using the wrong name, I don’t know what my name is, why did they call me if I wasn’t going to be known as .

OP posts:
SisterRuth · 13/04/2022 18:36

I changed my name to my middle name, dropped my first name altogether. Did it when I was 28. Didn't even do it by deed poll, just wrote to a few organisations (bank etc) & when I came to renew passport, wrote an explanation in the box provided. Passport came back in new name. Piece of cake. Have never had to explain this to anyone. Don't understand what you're moaning on about.

notsureaboutTAAT · 13/04/2022 18:36

My dad is the oldest boy and so named after his dad, never called it as that would be confusing. Always called another name which is not on his birth certificate. He has a British passport in his alternative name so I have no idea how unless he deed polled or things were more lax back then, it as I've seen his birth certificate ( he's mid 70s)

The hassle is only the same hassle as changing your name after marrying.

TheGrinchsDog · 13/04/2022 18:37

I kind of understand where you are coming from OP, sort of-ish.

Unfortunately, while your feelings are valid, you are going to have to make peace with either keeping the name for official purposes or changing it somehow. Maybe therapy to talk it out with someone who knows what they're doing would be more helpful than posting here.

It's not great your parents gave you a 'joke' name on your BC, but as you say they didn't do it with cruelty in mind. I can understand (ish) the feeling that it's unfair that you have to change it, but would that not be a short term annoyance compared to the long term annoyance of keeping your given BC name? Sometimes stuff like this happens and it's a bit shit or unfair, but sometimes we still have to just grab a shovel you know?

Do you work in a field that would ask you to disclose prior names? Otherwise it shouldn't come up for work surely?

You say you tried to change it a while back and for whatever reason you were rejected. Maybe you could go to citizens advice and get some help with the forms? Did they give a reason it was rejected?

SadButTheTruth · 13/04/2022 18:37

I honestly don’t think people are biting your head off - why do you think that? There’s irritation because you keep fobbing off any idea offered to fix your problems. I think people have offered practical solutions and also advised emotional support but you just want to be angry.

notsureaboutTAAT · 13/04/2022 18:39

@Nameproblemsagain what is the joke then your name and surname combination or they called you something wayyyyyynout there like Mouse ?

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 18:39

Well make a choice.

  • confront your parents for giving you a Ben Dover type name for laughs, over something as serious as a name. That’s valid. Even if it’s actually Ben James Dover and they used James. It’s actually a shitty thing for them to have done (unless it was actually sweet but twee, not actually laughable)
  • before or after have a wee bit of therapy
  • accept the name now that your married name nullifies the joke. Ben James Smith and MOVE ON.
  • accept the past but change it now

or:

  • stop around like a petulant child with no agency, refusing to change it or take steps (therapy…) to deal with it.

Your husband sounds like a fucking prize, teasing you about it when it’s so upsetting for you 🙄

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 18:39

One thing’s for sure - your name’s not Elsa.

Chaoslatte · 13/04/2022 18:39

My dad and MIL both go by their middle name, it’s pretty common. But they don’t get annoyed when people call them by their first names. I agree with Pp suggestion that you might want to seek therapy. Clearly there are deeper issues here with your parents.

Notonthestairs · 13/04/2022 18:39

This is obviously an issue between you and your parents.

The name issue can easily be remedied - by resisting taking action you are perpetuating something which upsets you. It doesn't make a lot of sense unless the actual issue is not simply the name but your associations around it.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 13/04/2022 18:40

I can certainly understand the annoyance with your parents for giving you a first name they had no intention of calling you as a joke. For a start, naming your child is no time for comedy.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2022 18:40

@Nameproblemsagain

If it was just something like Susan Jane, Susan after an aunt but called Jane because that’s the name they liked that’s fair enough *@Butchyrestingface* but the circumstances of mine were a bit different and were supposed to be a funny joke.

I don’t think it was intended to be cruel but setting me up as a joke from birth probably wasn’t the best start!

If your parents have given you a really objectionable name that would have caused teasing or bullying, I'm sorry. I think that is really self-indulgent, selfish and shows little care for their offspring.

But... (always the but), I think in that case I'd have lanced the boil at the first available opportunity rather than let it fester unnecessarily. In the unlikely event that you're ever asked to explain the reason for the name change on an official document (as I say, I can't remember this happening to me), you could just put "named changed in childhood/never been called original name".

Moodycow78 · 13/04/2022 18:41

It's not unreasonable that it annoys you I suppose but it is very very unreasonable to refuse to change it and complain when it's used 🙄

Hesma · 13/04/2022 18:43

You’re being a prat and totally U. If it’s that big a deal change it

Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 18:43

I do think you need to look at the big picture though. I share a name you don’t want to share, really.
Pretty close example: let’s say I’m called Myra Smith.
Through my 70s childhood, my brother called my Hindley.
All the time.
Like, “oy, Hindley - mum says tea’s ready.”
Literally called me nothing but for years.

My brother is a total fucking arsehole - that was only one part of him. Black eye was bad too.

So it isn’t just about being called Hindley - it’s a much bigger picture.

Do you have a bigger picture with your parents?

Briony123 · 13/04/2022 18:43

There are hundreds of thousands of people who are known by their nicknames or second names. Knowing that your official name is different is part of being an adult.

PromotedPartner · 13/04/2022 18:43

Well you have two options really...

  1. Do something about it
  2. Don't do anything about it

You've been given lots of practical advice. If you don't want to feel upset about your name for the rest of your life, you might consider following some of that advice.

BigButtons · 13/04/2022 18:44

2 of my daughters have different official first names to the ones they are called. They see them as both their names and don't mind at all.
If it really bothers you OP then change officially to the name you want.

DuchessOfSausage · 13/04/2022 18:45

I get it, @Nameproblemsagain. My name is something like Emma Ellen Smith and I'm always knows as Nell. Nobody ever calls me Emma, but I sometimes get my name called out as Emma Smith and I don't recognise it as me. It's a PITA

  • not the actual names, to protect my identity
Cocomarine · 13/04/2022 18:45

And come to think of it… you said your married name has dealt with the “funny” side of it.

So you know how easy it is to change a name!

Why didn’t you use the opportunity of your married name to just ditch the first name altogether?

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 18:45

I am guessing this created some kind of teasing in childhood with your family and it made the name even more annoying. I’m dying to know what it is but obviously you can’t say! Is it a weird /old fashioned name you would objectively dislike anyway? Such as you’re known as “Louise” or “Jade” but your birth certificate says Mildred/Gertrude/Edna? Did your parents laugh about it when you were growing up like they named you this as a joke? If this is the case definitely change it! You don’t want to have to use that name if you’re one day getting married and exchanging vows, right? The anger is to tell you to do that probably and you’re understandably annoyed that you have to instead of just having an actual normal name on your birth certificate.

If it’s that you like being called “Beth” instead of Elizabeth or something like that I don’t think it really matters.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 13/04/2022 18:45

Sorry for the pseudo psychology here, but it seems that your real anger is directed towards your parents. I can only assume that there are many more reasons for this anger than just the name, but presumably, whenever you hear it, it consolidates all those feelings into one. This is why you’re reluctant to ‘just’ change it. Changing your name won’t actually take away the anger and is just one more problem they’ve caused you. OP, I think you maybe need to see someone to tackle the real issues and help you let go of your anger. Then you can change your name at a later date, if you want to, to complete the process.

Penguinevere · 13/04/2022 18:45

Well that was a silly thing for your parents to do.

I feel a bit awkward about my own name but for different reasons. So I know what it’s like to think ugh, why?

I don’t blame you.

NeverChange · 13/04/2022 18:46

This isn't about your name, not by a long shot.

If it was you would (1) change your name to the one you use, (2) use your name as on your birth cert or (3) just say I go by Jane if anyone ever uses the official name (4) not care either way.

You have options to change things but you don't want to, which indicates that you prefer the inconvenience so you can be irritated or annoyed. If not, you would change things. When people have very easy solutions to a problem but don't take them, it's indicative of something else rather than the issue they claim is the problem.

This seems to be an underlying unsolved issue with your parents that runs much deeper than a name. It's probably more important to address that. What is the real problem?

mrziggycoco · 13/04/2022 18:46

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

Oh because you consider your name to be what you've been called from birth? That makes sense.

But sorry, your name on your birth certificate is your name, as it's legally your name. So you're just going to have to live with that.

Assuming your legal name is not something like shitstain mcfaeces I'm going to say just deal with it and move on.