To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

@TeaStory

This is a version of Why Don’t You - Yes But.

Not really. I know everyone thinks snapping my head off and telling me to get my name changed solves everything, but it’s not just about my name. It’s also about my feelings about it.

They may not make sense to you which is totally fine but they are still my feelings and I have a right to express them.

But to even access that fix, you have to confront embedded pain and that’s not easy. And it’s made harder when you’ve tried and been rebuffed

Thank you.

To be honest in the time you've taken to start the thread and respond to people you could have changed your name.

If it bothered you that much you wouldn't be finding 200 excuses why you can't change it, you would have just changed it already.

I hate my real name too
I also have a visceral reaction to it

You’re probably bu but anyway I’m solidarity
YANBU

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks *@MelvinThePenguin*

As I’ve said I have looked into changing it by deed poll but I really don’t want to have to be explaining this in the future on job applications mainly and also, despite what people are saying, I did actually change it online a few years ago and it just wasn’t accepted by DVLA etc. I know people are saying otherwise but that genuinely wasn’t the case. This was maybe in 2011.

Now I am married the first name has lost its “humour” so it’s just a bit strange. To be honest, this is more annoyance over historic stuff. Booking to go abroad is a pain, I was called the wrong name on my driving tests, going in for my C section, first day at a new school. If you like, any stressful moment in life is compounded by being called a (stupid) name that isn’t mine!

I also had two pensions at one point as one was in my name and one was in the name on birth certificate. Unfortunately they ran concurrently rather than both being paid into!

I’d urge you to very carefully consider putting yourself through the (seemingly mild) inconvenience of changing your name formally.

My DF was exactly in your position. He was named after his own father, (for example) John Henry. Then called Harry by absolutely everyone for ever. Probably few people even knew.

When going to medical appointments it was always, ‘Mr John Smith,’ regardless of telling them he was Harry. Then he got dementia and eventually was in a care home where at least 80% of the time he was referred to as John. He died during lockdown being cared for by people who couldn’t/ didn’t use his name. It was so sad.

You don’t need to explain why you change your name and if asked a simple ‘it’s what I’ve been known as since birth,’ covers it.

I was called the wrong name on my driving tests, going in for my C section, first day at a new school. you weren't called the wrong name you were called your legal name, if you want to be called by the name you go by then change your legal name. If not just carry on being annoyed by it its up to you.

@Beees

To be honest in the time you've taken to start the thread and respond to people you could have changed your name.

If it bothered you that much you wouldn't be finding 200 excuses why you can't change it, you would have just changed it already.

I don’t think I want to change it.

As I have said, I recognise this doesn’t make sense to anybody else, I really do, but it somehow feels like yet another thing I have to do which I have to do because my parents did it to me.

Maybe that makes no sense, but I just really feel I shouldn’t have to.

@Nameproblemsagain

I’ve just skimmed through the responses and while I’ve seen before it claimed that you don’t need a solicitor to change your name, the bank will only accept a passport or driving licence as ID and I genuinely have no idea how I’d change my name on there without some sort of formality.

I realise most people don’t think it’s a big deal and I do get that but to me it is. To be clear, I’ve never been called the name that is on my birth certificate. So yes it might be my name in a legal sense but since I’ve never been called it and since it was only put there to try to be funny I do think it’s fair to not accept it as my name.

You change your name by deed poll and send the proof off to have your driving licence/passport changed. Occasionally you'll check the box to say you've had another name but it's no different to people who take a spouses name after marriage- it's not often or a big deal. Very simple, no solicitors needed and all of the information can be found with very little effort.

I don't understand why your parents have you a joke as a legal name, and then why you haven't changed it.

YABU and a bit drama llama to be 'jarred' or annoyed by being called by your legal name in a formal setting, if it bothers you change it and get on with life.

So, your parents thought it would be super funny to call you Wayne Carr, Eileen Dover or Mike Hunt.
So all through your life you’ve rejected your given name as it’s a bad pun and you hate it.
You’ve got married and changed your surname, so the pun doesn’t work, but kept the same, official first name.
No one calls you Eileen but Sarah instead. However, because Eileen is your official name some people, like the bank, use it.

Really, the bank etc should pay attention to ‘known as’ names, but they don’t always.

Given that this is actually upsetting rather than slightly confusing for a moment, change your name officially.

The issue seems to be that you are carrying massive resentment towards your parents which manifests at other people when the name issue pops up in real life. I don’t think I caught or understand why you think the name was a joke or why they found it funny, but you need to make peace with this so that you can be happier. You sound really angry and I don’t think that something like a name issue should be so emotionally draining. Counselling maybe for the wider parental issue?

If you change your name legally you won't have to explain it all the time. You'll have to change your ID and so on, but after that, you just use your official name on paperwork. You don't need to give your old name when applying for jobs etc.

If you don't want to do that, lots of companies give an option for you to go by a 'given' name or nickname. You can tell people, my name is Sally but I go by Anna, for example - if there's a reason for them to know your real name. Otherwise, just introduce yourself by the name you wish to be addressed as.

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

surely you told the bank your name when you opened the account. Are you saying you wnat to be known by a nickname?

But to even access that fix, you have to confront embedded pain

Christ on a bike. Embedded pain?

I know two people who have only ever been known by their middle names. I don't think it's ever been anything other than a minor nuisance now and then.

I suppose people have similar problems if they have a name which can be pronounced in different ways. Maya and Maya, for instance. It's presumably a bit annoying to be called May-er if your version is promounced Mai-er. But I doubt that it's more than a bit annoying.

I don’t think I want to change it.

🤯🤨

You are the maker of your own misery.

I don't get it.

I don’t think I want to change it.

Well then honestly you're just going to have to put up with people calling you the name and get angry everytime which truthfully just sounds like you're being a martyr and not changing it so you can continue to complain and resent it.

It would take you 10 minutes to change it and you'd rarely have to give it a second thought again for the rest of your life. Life is going to be very long if you get cross every time someone uses your name.

As I have said, I recognise this doesn’t make sense to anybody else, I really do, but it somehow feels like yet another thing I have to do which I have to do because my parents did it to me.

I think that's why PPs have suggested posters.

This thread is awash with people who've been in the same situation and taken the easy and painless step of changing their name by deed poll. They don't feel it was something their parents "did" to them.

Some form of counselling would allow you to explore your feelings around the issue.

@Hellocatshome

For many of the above examples I couldn’t have changed my name because I wasn’t 18.

The problem is the thread has become about posters thinking biting my head off in as withering and sarcastic a way possible ‘solves’ the problem and it doesn’t, it goes far deeper than that.

I had this! Except I didn't know I had a different name until I needed to get my birth certificate for a passport. All through school I was called one name but my birth cert says a very different name. (This was in then seventies so not like now) I did change my name though as the birth cert one sounds so odd to me!

You are assuming I haven’t had a similar experience…

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

So what name is on your passport, driving licence, exam certificates? Teachers etc are using your name. It's you that isn't.

If it was just something like Susan Jane, Susan after an aunt but called Jane because that’s the name they liked that’s fair enough @Butchyrestingface but the circumstances of mine were a bit different and were supposed to be a funny joke.

I don’t think it was intended to be cruel but setting me up as a joke from birth probably wasn’t the best start!

I know everyone thinks snapping my head off and telling me to get my name changed solves everything, but it’s not just about my name. It’s also about my feelings about it.

Then you just change it and you won't ever have to have the feelings again @Nameproblemsagain . I did it and it's so much nicer.

Or if you just want to talk about your feelings (which you can stop having to experience from now on through a simple action) you could see a therapist.

I don’t think I want to change it.

Then therapy is the best option for you. Maybe after some therapy you might decide to take control of your life and that might include changing it (if that's what you decide.)

somehow feels like yet another thing I have to do which I have to do because my parents did it to me. Maybe that makes no sense, but I just really feel I shouldn’t have to.

I get what I mean but it seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face, being stubboorn for the sake of it, but is your choice of course.

I don't have a driving license or passport BTW. I did it just with my birth certificate and some bills as proof of address or something. Then I changed it with the DWP and council etc. Most places are quite laid back about it.