To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

I think I understand -
So your parents named you something like
"Theresa Sarah Green"
Because they thought Theresa green would be cute/funny but always intended you to be Sarah and always have been Sarah.
Now even though you know there was no malice, you're upset that they would put a joke on your BC when it would follow you your whole life and you're embarrassed about it. You don't want to change your name as you're embarrassed and worried you'll have to explain it down the line as to why you changed it.
I can see where you're coming from op. I think possibly you just felt a bit down and wanted a rant, and it's not gone too well.
I'm sorry if anything has been upsetting x

I don’t think this is about your name at all. I think this is about your parents and you feeling let down and almost ‘set up’ by them right from birth.

And that being the case, I do think you’d benefit from some therapy to get to the bottom of how all of that is tied up with your name because you’re never going to get past this otherwise.

The name on my birth certificate is different from the name I am known by. It has never bothered me at all though. I like both names though the one on my bc is more formal. At work I am knon by my day to day name, including on email and all documents it has never been a problem. The bank does call me by the formal name but it is fleeting and doesn't bother me - to be fair it did for a shortwhile when I had just left home and was finding my feet but not for long. In healthcare if there is a conversation where my name is being used I will say "I am known as x" and so that has been noted and so not been a problem. I am not making light of this, I can understand your irritation, but it might be easier for you if you can just reframe this in you mind as not a big deal and then forget about it!

@Nameproblemsagain

You can do something with no intention of being cruel, but it still hurts or is cruel when all is said and done.

Totally, yeah.

Just to be clear by the way - I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t get angry with anyone for using my name. It’s a feeling, not ever expressed to anyone. Except here. Which is going well

I get it in a small way. I'm adopted and when I apply for new ID card/passport/ dbs check for driving licence is shows up on there as having a previous last name.(I'm not British)

I didn't even know for a long time so I found their questions really weird. Like if I was married before and divorced at 18. Genuine wtf moments.

Largely I live my life without dwelling on it or thinking about it. Sometimes I like to think I even forget about it.Then the time comes again and someone will ask something and it's this regular constant reminder/punch in the stomach.

I might be going on holiday and happily planning it and looking forward to it . Need to renew my passport. Bang! This is who you are. This is where you come from. This is what your start in life was.

At least now I can tell them "oh yeah I was adopted " and quickly end any suspicion.

I went to school with someone who always went by her middle name (I think she claimed her dad got the names mixed up on birth certificate). I wonder if she ever changed it legally. Funnily enough her name makes up a famous brand the legal way round! At school she'd just explain to teachers and they'd note on register.

This is weirdly common in my family- both my grandfathers, my MIL, FIL, husband and BIL were or are known by their middle names and always have been. Not sure what that signifies, nothing probably.

I changed my name by deed poll and I've never had to 'explain' my name or circumstances to anyone. Very rarely, I tick a box and write my old name. No one has ever questioned me on it. I did it for free years ago by deed poll, changed my driving license with that, changed my payroll with work, then used both of those to change my bank.

It's a really easy fix, but you seem to have a LOT of unresolved rage about it, so therapy might be a better option instead.

You’ve summed that up well @ladydimitrescu

I don’t think I’m angry now, I do feel angry when I hear my ‘joke’ name and I don’t really want to have to go down the route of formally changing it for all sorts of reasons, some good, some not so good.

As I’ve said I don’t really have time or money for therapy at the moment. I think it is done now but being totally honest it was frequently a source of stress in childhood, probably not least because the name I do go by is not a common one and from a different cultural background. I don’t think it would bat an eyelid now but then it did.

So just taking a register in school would be ‘why are you not called X if X is on the register / oh you are known as Y (but Y would be said incorrectly) then you have to correct people and they get really huffy and annoyed a lot of the time. I was quite shy and hated correcting adults so I spent huge chunks of my childhood just being called the wrong name.

I have a friend called Amelie and she had similar woes to me with constantly being called Emily.

I’m over it but when I hear X I do feel pretty pissed off. I’m sure it is unreasonable but it’s hardly as if I go about every day raging mad.

@ldontWanna

I understand all that

@Nameproblemsagain

Fair enough *@FlissyPaps*, but when someone says things like ‘for the love of God. Please. Do it now.’ it does come over as angry / frustrated and I do find that a bit odd. Mind you, as someone has said above there’s a lot of anger in my posts and I’m genuinely not seeing where - I’m seeing loads of angry replies but I can’t think of one post where I have been angry.

I think posters (who you are perceiving as angry, me included) are just a tad confused at your posts. You say you don’t want to change your name, but you are upset with people referring to you as your legal name.

You either A) change it by deed poll, with a deed poll you can change your legal documents (passport, driving license etc) or B) don’t change it and expect people to refer to you as your current legal name.

In your first post you say I probably am BU …
So surely you expected these types of responses.

I’m not meaning to offend or upset you here, but I am just speaking logically. Other then changing your name, what else can you do without getting upset over it?

There’s no magic fairy that can wave a wand and instantly change your personal details, documents and can erase people’s memory of the name your parents chose for you.

I’m still curious, what were your expecting (or wanting) posters to post here?

I also have an official name on my passport / birth certificate which has never been used as my name in real life. And I am also unreasonably cheesed off whenever anyone calls me by that name (I don't know why it's so annoying!). For years I seemed to have got away with not telling my employer or my bank about the official name, so I thought I'd effectively got rid of it without having to officially change it. But recently both had reason to see my passport and so the annoying name has returned.

OP, if this is causing so much stress and upset for you then for the love of God, change it by deed poll.

Do it now. Right now.

None of this “but I don’t want to” “I shouldn’t have to”

And if you don’t want to change it, then don’t come and complain about it on an online forum

That doesn’t sound confused to me, tbh. It sounds pissed off.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@MedusasBadHairDay - because whenever I apply for a new job I’d have to give the details of my old name.

I feel quite angry at the thought of having to go through a solicitor etc too.[/quote]
Nope. I've changed my name my deed poll and I almost forget sometimes as it comes up soo rarely. You really don't have to explain it much at all ever

What do you think you should do op? Did you come here to receive some empathy for how you feel, as opposed to a solution to the practical issue?

The thread isn’t working well because unfortunately it’s not easy for you to explain exactly how unfortunate the joke was without giving away your name. But if it’s a practical solution you want, then which one looks best to you?

1. Learn to live with it but process emotions by journalling, posting about it on Mn: I think a new thread is warranted, explained slightly differently in terms of childhood emotional injury, so people know where you’re coming from.

2. Change your name and move on. You don’t want to and that’s fine, however it’s important to note it isn’t hard, just inconvenient.

3. Live with it and do nothing.

4. Go to therapy. You don’t want to spend time on this which is really not helpful to yourself. Money I can understand, but there are cheaper (and sometimes free) options if you search for them.

I suspect this is really about your parents. You need to address the core issues. You’re avoiding that. You even defend them when they clearly engaged in some rather humiliating behaviour which is not okay.

My advice, if you don’t want to address this, is change your name and forget it.

If you don’t want to change your name, but really can’t move on from it (beyond this post) then go to counselling/therapy. Good luck x

Sounds really similar to me @SlowDog! I semi forget about it then it returns!

My parents did this too. They gave me a gorgeous name then found out that my mums hairdresser had given her DD the same name (a week before) so they decided to change mine.
They then used the most boring 70s name ever. I wouldn't mind but the hairdresser emmigrated a couple of years later!! I love the name I should have had and your right OP it is bittersweet when I hear it.

As an aside I also hated my first name for years. Gave myself a nickname and used that in my late teens and early twenties. Then moved to England and bar my bank card or passport it didn't feature anywhere else so I rarely thought about it.

When I got my last job I started as Name LastName on paperwork (obviously) but I also didn't bother with using my nickname anymore. I've grown used to it, I kinda even like and own it now. My name now is associated with hard working, valuable, smart,resourceful etc. It's the me I am now, the life I built for myself, the person I grew into. It's not the stupid,useless , reckless,trouble making, always less than NAME anymore. I get that this won't work for you due the nature of your name, but just a gentle reminder that it also doesn't have to be "funny stupid joke" name forever.

@Nameproblemsagain

OP, if this is causing so much stress and upset for you then for the love of God, change it by deed poll.

Do it now. Right now.

None of this “but I don’t want to” “I shouldn’t have to”

And if you don’t want to change it, then don’t come and complain about it on an online forum

That doesn’t sound confused to me, tbh. It sounds pissed off.

I am not pissed off at all. Just confused. It’s hard to perceive people’s tone when reading via text rather than having face to face discussion.

We’re going round in circles here though, you must agree?

I’m still curious as to what you were expecting people to post though. Or am I too pissed off to warrant a sensible debate with you?

And if you don’t want to change it, then don’t come and complain about it on an online forum.

Lol, how self-important. You aren’t the MN police. OP can complain about whatever she likes. She’s entitled to her feelings. Her AIBU is whether she’s unreasonable to have these feelings about her name. And in my view she’s not, at all. Her feelings are entirely valid. I find it easy to see why it would be upsetting and infuriating to have a name your parents had given you as a joke.

Sometimes people don’t want solutions or they aren’t happy with the potential solutions available. Sometimes they just want to have their feelings about how they’ve been treated acknowledged. Not just ‘change it or shut the fuck up’.

The poll says you are being unreasonable so that's it then.

I don't understand at all why you won't change your name by deed poll. It's easy, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, and I believe free. Why won't you legally change it, if you hate it so much, it seems that would solve all your problems.

Not real names......

My Dad is Andrew Bob Carter, known from birth as Bob

My DS is Andrew, known from birth as Andy

Both of them occasionally roll their eyes / get frustrated having ti explain their names, but neither of them feel as strongly as you seem to

I suspect the issue is more about your relationship with your parents than the name(s)

I'm not getting this - you are known by another name so IF you changed your name legally how would anyone actually know?

I’m still curious as to what you were expecting people to post though. Or am I too pissed off to warrant a sensible debate with you

It’s more a discussion than a debate and bar some of the more overtly aggressive and belligerent posts I’ve found it interesting.

To summarise then, it’s been interesting hearing about others’ experiences, it’s been very helpful hearing others’ take on this and it’s been quite therapeutic to talk about it.

Is that acceptable to you?

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

No you don’t - you explain once and that’s it. Gp, dentist, bank etc do it once and then wash and repeat just do it - life is too short. We had a felicity at work and she came in one day and said from now I want to be called camilla I have never like felicity - camilla is my middle name. Ok we said. Hr done and dusted in an hour with seed poll etc and it updated her email and all sorted

She’s camilla now and was a week in anyone new just knows her as camilla etc