To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

OP - is yours a name that, combined with your maiden surname sounds like a joke?
I keep thinking of Bart Simpsonish jokes “IP Freely” and so on.
If that’s the case, I get it.
If it’s an “in” joke - like they called you Merryn Anne but Merryn was the joke because they didn’t like Merryn, that’s also nasty.
Could you talk this through with someone you trust?

And that’s why name changing isn’t really the answer here either, it doesn’t stop the fact I was just a big joke from birth onwards!

It's not an either/or @Nameproblemsagain

1. Get therapy to help address your feeling about the name and other thing in the past, or current issues with your family if you haven't gone no contact (if they really piss you off in general you maybe should.)

2. Change your name to help with your feelings in the present and future so in theory you never have to experience that triggered feeling again.

I don’t think there was any malice for a moment but in a way the result is the same, if that makes sense. However I don’t think for a moment there was any nastiness behind it. It was a bit typical of them, and it’s hard to explain but I don’t think they were very good at recognising when something was genuinely sweet / funny and when it crossed a line into humiliation. Like photographs - they would take all sorts of photos, many unflattering, and there was absolutely no malicious intent there but then when those pictures were shared it was quite embarrassing.

But it could well be me being a bit prickly about it because a lot of it will have been done with loving intentions.

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill 🙄

You just take your deed poll into branch and they change it. Job done. Just change your name if it bothers you so much.

Job application? Just send your deed poll with your id? It's really not hard and you are being ridiculous.

OP - is yours a name that, combined with your maiden surname sounds like a joke

A bit, yes. Not like Eileen Dover but more like Harry Potter or will Shakespeare or something.

To be totally honest I think some posters on here are making a MUCH bigger deal of this than I ever have in my life.

OP, if this is causing so much stress and upset for you then for the love of God, change it by deed poll.

Do it now. Right now.

None of this “but I don’t want to” “I shouldn’t have to”

And if you don’t want to change it, then don’t come and complain about it on an online forum.

Going by your middle name is actually pretty common in previous generations. It’s hard to say in this case, I don’t get how your parents were making a joke? Unless it’s there to make your initials spell something funny?

I’ve got to say that, to me, YABU to be having such a strong reaction to it when this is something you can actually fix. Or just accept.

I think it’s causing you more stress and upset than me @FlissyPaps and I’ll post about it as I see fit.

Don’t tell me what I can and can’t post about, unless you are MNHQ, which you are not.

Never had to explain my name change ever, on job applications you are the name you are now, my passport and driving licence are in my non-birth name. That is the ID I use for everything.

The only time I have ever had to show my birth certificate is when I applied for an updated DBS, even though the person dealing with the paperwork for it has known me over a decade and every time I have to go through this process she sees my birth certificate at no stage did I get asked nor did I offer to explain my name change it is no one else's business but mine.

You seem to believe that it is hard to do, it really isn't. Mine was changed a long time ago however I did go to a solicitor, I believe it cost me £50. I then got a few legal copies of the name change so I could send one to the passport office and for my driving licence. Then I sent letters to the bank, doctors etc to inform them of the change and it was done. It isn't that difficult and these days with emails and uploading attachments it shouldn't be hard at all. No more difficult than when people change their name on marriage.

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is

Why would you have to keep explaining it? Presumably virtually everyone who know you knows you by your usual name, so you don't need to explain anything to them because nothing will change. You just need to notify anyone who has your official name, e.g your bank and doctor. They really won't care about your reasons so there's nothing to explain to them.

And this is why it’s utterly ridiculous to put a name on a birth certificate that you don’t plan to use for your child which is always recommended on the baby Names threads.

I feel sorry for you OP. There's a lot of anger in your posts so I imagine there is a lot of difficult emotions in your history with your parents otherwise you'd just roll your eyes at their choice and change your name.

Super easy to change your name in the U.K. I did it last year.

@Nameproblemsagain how is your relationship with your parents?

Is this just one more thing in a long line of other things where they were being "funny" /insensitive/maybe even reckless and you just had to suck it up and deal with the consequences or clean up their mess?
Except it has the added significance of starting your life as a "joke".?

I'm thinking it's something like

Dolly Elizabeth Parton
Luke Skye Walker
Mary jane Poppins

Ben James Dover .

As I’ve said I still have to refer to it on job apps etc and I need to explain why I changed it and tbh I don’t particularly want to get into it.

You don't have to refer to it in job applications unless they ask if you've ever been known by another name, and once again the chances of them being interested in your reasons are zero. So long as people like National Insurance and the Inland Revenue have the correct name, there will be no problems.

@Nameproblemsagain

I think it’s causing you more stress and upset than me *@FlissyPaps* and I’ll post about it as I see fit.

Don’t tell me what I can and can’t post about, unless you are MNHQ, which you are not.

Reading this is is causing me absolute no stress and upset at all, just a very strange thread to read.

What were you expecting (or wanting) posters to say to you? I’m curious.

I think being actually grown up is when you see your parents are flawed. They don't know everything and they made a zillion mistakes.

I feel like the joke name maybe a red herring in all this . Do you feel generally unwanted by your parents ? Second girl when they wanted a boy or middle child or something along these lines ?

My parents are total twats and something's are hurtful because they are still my parents.

As I have said, I recognise this doesn’t make sense to anybody else, I really do, but it somehow feels like yet another thing I have to do which I have to do because my parents did it to me

But once it's done, it's done. If you don't do it, you will spend the next several decades getting furious because innocent strangers in banks etc keep calling you by the wrong name.

I could understand your feeling if your parents had done it to be cruel, but you acknowledge that they didn't. However, I realise it's not up to me to understand it - if it is bothering you so much, I'd suggest changing the name and looking into counselling or therapy.

I guess your name is... Belle End
and I claim my Five Pounds.

Thanking you.

@Fulmine

As I have said, I recognise this doesn’t make sense to anybody else, I really do, but it somehow feels like yet another thing I have to do which I have to do because my parents did it to me

But once it's done, it's done. If you don't do it, you will spend the next several decades getting furious because innocent strangers in banks etc keep calling you by the wrong name.

I could understand your feeling if your parents had done it to be cruel, but you acknowledge that they didn't. However, I realise it's not up to me to understand it - if it is bothering you so much, I'd suggest changing the name and looking into counselling or therapy.

You can do something with no intention of being cruel, but it still hurts or is cruel when all is said and done.

Fair enough @FlissyPaps, but when someone says things like ‘for the love of God. Please. Do it now.’ it does come over as angry / frustrated and I do find that a bit odd. Mind you, as someone has said above there’s a lot of anger in my posts and I’m genuinely not seeing where - I’m seeing loads of angry replies but I can’t think of one post where I have been angry.

My mil has the same problem
Her mother called her,say,Anna but changed her mind and then named her Louisa but didn’t change the birth certificate
She’s a Louisa but the amount of times someone’s rang or mail addressed to Anna is insane
Why she never changed it by deed poll as an adult is beyond me

My dad also knew someone called happy-poor kid took a lot of teasing so as soon as she could she changed her name to Beth (her middle name) and buggered off to Australia
Bit extreme but it worked for her I guess

You can do something with no intention of being cruel, but it still hurts or is cruel when all is said and done.

Totally, yeah.

Just to be clear by the way - I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t get angry with anyone for using my name. It’s a feeling, not ever expressed to anyone. Except here. Which is going well

So changing name is not the answer

Getting therapy is not the answer — OK.

But you are still angry...... You want to talk about the trauma of having a silly name but don't like people making suggestions of ways you might possibly feel better? What exactly were you hoping for here?

You're accusing people of being abusive with you but loads of people have tried to help and are getting frustrated because you're being completely obtuse.

Instead of being honest and up front and saying it was a much deeper issue than changing name you've just gone round and round in circles constantly harping on with red herrings "oh I don't want to have to explain on job applications" and ignoring numerous people who have wasted their time and telling you clearly that's not the case and would never happen

And you don't think you're hard work?? Is it any wonder people are losing patience with you?