To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

To be honest some of the more abusive posts are getting to me a bit now. I get that it’s AIBU and I do know I’m being unreasonable but it’s hard for a feeling to see that, if that makes sense. On a logical level it’s unreasonable but it doesn’t stop me feeling it.

And that’s why name changing isn’t really the answer here either, it doesn’t stop the fact I was just a big joke from birth onwards!

Why did you post? What were you looking for that you don’t feel you’ve got here?

But OP...you really, truly are hard work on this issue!!! 🤷‍♀️

the most you would get asked to do is to mention your previous name on a form.

I'm on my third surname. It has cost me something like 2 minutes total of form filling time in the last 40 years

And that’s why name changing isn’t really the answer here either, it doesn’t stop the fact I was just a big joke from birth onwards!

People are suggesting therapy to help you process and release your pain and anger. Believe me, I was skeptical about therapy at first and strongly resisted it as I knew couldn’t change my past, but it transformed my life.

They put one name on my birth certificate but always called me by my middle name. And I do mean always

Same for me. It's no big deal. Bizarrely it's my middle name that made mine a joke though yet they still used it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tesco Clubcard think I'm in a same sex marriage with myself but that's about it.

And that’s why name changing isn’t really the answer here either, it doesn’t stop the fact I was just a big joke from birth onwards!

This is why people are suggesting therapy. I get that therapy may not be the answer ultimately, but it can really help with difficult family dynamics.

You could try posting on the 'stately homes' thread in relationships. There are lots of people (myself included) who have had neglectful/abusive/cruel/narcissistic parents and had to find ways to try to heal.

You can heal. There are lots of ways forward.

Surely it’d only be the same as when you are married and fill a form out and it asks for previous names so you write your maiden name?

Did your parents ever tell you why they called you by a different name to the legal name they registered? Is there an explanation or funny story behind it? Are either of the name comical?

It’s hard to understand why you feel that they were just playing a joke on you from the start. Why do you see it that way rather than just ‘one of those things’.

The name I go by is a shortening of my full legal name. It is strange when people refer to me as the full name (I don’t particularly identify with it) but I do accept the reality that it is my legal name and that the other person (eg bank worker) has no idea that I usually go by something else.

OP if I were you I would start a new thread in relationships about how your parents called you a joke name and how upsetting that is for you. Unfortunately, your OP makes it sound like a minor problem that you are being unreasonable about. As it is, there's something much deeper going on about your identity and how you feel your parents treated you.

Actually, it's not unusual to go by a second name rather than a first name but it seems that for you the circumstances are unusual. In fact, you could change this but it seems that this is a sticking point for you because you feel you shouldn't have to change it. Whilst that's true, unfortunately your choices are this anger, learning to live with it, or changing your name, and then occasionally needing to explain things.

@Nameproblemsagain

To be honest some of the more abusive posts are getting to me a bit now. I get that it’s AIBU and I do know I’m being unreasonable but it’s hard for a feeling to see that, if that makes sense. On a logical level it’s unreasonable but it doesn’t stop me feeling it.

And that’s why name changing isn’t really the answer here either, it doesn’t stop the fact I was just a big joke from birth onwards!

Ok, so your parents were twats and gave you a stupid name.
Rather than changing your name, putting this behind you and getting on with your life, you are getting upset that some people, in all innocence, use your legal first name.

Either change your name and get help to deal with your parents being twats; or don’t change your name but understand that some times people will use the wrong name and you are going to have to cope with that.

@Nameproblemsagain

When I read some of these posts, like that one above by *@SpringIntoChaos all I can think is ‘and they think I* am the one who needs therapy?’ I really don’t understand what is ‘hard work’ (never mind ‘fuck me hard work’) about disliking what my parents did to me and acknowledging this won’t be erased with a name change.

I don’t really have the time or money for therapy and I don’t think anything would necessarily be resolved.

Maybe you could respond to some of the other posters who have been a bit more patient with you too since they are trying to help you as well.

Do you work in a field that you will have to disclose prior names? A PP stated that even if you do, you should never be asked why you have changed it.

Posters have asked if you have spoken about how you feel to your parents?

Therapists can work concession rates if you are struggling for money, I've seen some offer a starting rate of £30ph and there is a place in my nearest city that offers sessions for basically whatever you can afford to pay which is amazing I think.

Quite often they do face to face sessions online these days as well, so can you really not find an hour a week/fortnight?

The thing is, if you go into it with the attitude that it won't work, it will take longer to actually work or more likely you will stop going. You have to give it a chance. Why don't you think it would work?

My exH used to say that about therapy, what he really meant was 'I don't want to go/I'm afraid' but couldn't. Is that what you really mean? That's ok btw, therapy is scary and hard! It's still really beneficial though!

You can never turn back time, so you are right you can't erase what your parents did by naming you what they did. What you can absolutely do - I really promise you! - is work through your feelings about that with the appropriate therapist. Then if you feel it would help, change your name and take the power back.

I actually think you're not unreasonable and what your parents did to you is awful. Is it a joke as in a popular TV character or a pun or something?

I do think, gently, that perhaps some short counselling sessions if not therapy to help you process and handle the justified anger you feel, and a name change, would help. You wouldn't need to explain why you changed it, especially if you already go by your legal middle name.

You can get talking therapy free on the NHS and you can self refer for it as well.

Again though we're back to I have an issue but I don't want to resolve it.

I’m guessing your name is something like “Amanda Hugenkiss” and now you are married its “Amanda Smith” and even the awful joke no longer works.

Some parents are absolute selfish gits when they name their kids, and I really feel for the poor kids.

but to answer your original question

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

No, if it's something that's triggering for you you're not, but it can be easily resolved, when you are ready to do so.

You are making such a meal of this OP.

Change it by deed poll. You do not need to explain to future employers, that's just weird. You change your name and use it going forward. If you ever come across a form asking names previously known by you put the old name but nobody asks for an explanation. I don't know what you are looking for here other than to fuel your anger over nothing.

What have your parents said when you asked them why they gave you a joke name?

A friend of my daughter was name Disney Louise on her birth certificate...because she was conceived in Disneyland. Dad registered it, Mum was furious apparently. She's always been known as Louise.
I wonder if yours is the same kind of scenario, OP?
Louise is not happy , especially on her wedding day!

You really won’t have to explain on job applications. I changed my surname by deed poll years ago (for specific reasons - not marriage related). The deed poll then acts in place of birth certificate. Whenever you do something official that would require a birth certificate, you simply provide the deed poll. No more or less complicated than that, and no one asks for an explanation.

OP if I have read you correctly (and I have read all your posts on this thread) you are really very hurt that they have called you this and caused you so much annoyance and upset in all these major mile stones. You would like this solved yes, but more than that. You feel hurt and somewhat betrayed by the people who should have been protecting you from hurt.
I’m thinking something along the lines of surname Melly. So they gave you the first name Smelly as a joke and middle name Louise or something. Maybe not as bad but you get the picture.
You need to talk to someone about this. Get some help to resolve these feelings and make peace with what’s gone before to be able to let go of some of the hurt and anger because it will do nothing for you but eat you up and make parts of your life miserable. It doesn’t need to be like that.
In future you may feel more ready to change your name legally and be free of the hurt this has caused you in your life so far.
Get some help with these feelings and don’t let it intrude on any more years of your precious life going forward.
You are in charge of your future. What your parents did or didn’t do doesn’t have to define your future.

So is this really about your parents' attitude to you/ lack of regard for you? And every time you are called by the joke name you are reminded of their lack of care?

( Just trying to understand)

It sounds like this is a deeper issue with how you feel your parents view you - as a big joke and something to mock. Do they make you feel like that in other ways? Being called the name on your birth certificate rather than another one that was informally given to you shouldn’t make you feel this upset and angry. You seem to think they did it to mock you from birth, but you’d surely know if there was malice intended?

@steff13

What have your parents said when you asked them why they gave you a joke name?

Pretty much that, that they thought it was funny.

A friend of mine was registered Karen at birth but always called katie as a nickname.

In the end she changed her name to katie so that when she married, her husband could say katie in the vows and not karen.

She was never called karen ever!

Change it!