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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to have to decline any further notice wedding invites

159 replies

howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 16:35

DH and I have a lot of friends from uni, the type you see once a year and FaceTime every few months- so dear old friends but not best close friends.

We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. 1 is my bother, and the other 4 fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all 5 weekends. And that's before the stag and hen do invites start coming...

Just feel rubbish as we love them all and want to be there to celebrate them all, but probably can't, and god I just really cba with the inevitable upset when we can't do it all for all of them (we're the only ones with kids and afaik money issues so I'm sure everyone else will be there for all of it).

Sorry for the rant. Can anyone empathise Grin

OP posts:
TheLadyDIdGood · 13/04/2022 13:16

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

I would go but resolve not to attend the second weddings

Brutal 🤣

My dad drew the line at attending his nephew's 3rd wedding. He was muttering that he should be reimbursed for buying gifts for the previous weddings! Grin Shock
toomanydogsandcats · 13/04/2022 13:17

I haven't been to a wedding for years, I hate them and begrudge spending money on them. The only person who doesn't like they are dying of boredom is the bride, and she's usually a pissed mess by 10pm. I love declining knowing I won't have to sit through yet another mememememe day. Christ and those fucking lines where you have to shake hands. What the hell is that about? I don't want to meet your boring parents. Close family excepted but they are far from traditional. I think I am actually traumatised from crappy 90s weddings Grin

AffIt · 13/04/2022 13:21

I posted a thread about this a few weeks ago!

We're in our early 40s now, so past peak 'every other fucking weekend' season, but now we're on to second marriages and, holy shit, I had forgotten how expensive weddings are.

Don't get me wrong - I bloody love a good wedding and it's doable, financially: I just don't want to commit x amount of time of free time / annual leave etc.

I've got three to go to this year, but I've made a decision that from now on, two is the max.

AffIt · 13/04/2022 13:23

@TheLadyDIdGood

My dad drew the line at attending his nephew's 3rd wedding. He was muttering that he should be reimbursed for buying gifts for the previous weddings!

I declined to attend my brother-in-law's third wedding (trust me, the dislike is mutual).

I was a bit sad that my OH didn't let me write 'sorry can't make this one, see you next time' on the RSVP. Wink

bridgetreilly · 13/04/2022 13:23

Can you do them with just one of you going but not the whole family? Much easier and cheaper.

TheLadyDIdGood · 13/04/2022 13:35

[quote AffIt]@TheLadyDIdGood

My dad drew the line at attending his nephew's 3rd wedding. He was muttering that he should be reimbursed for buying gifts for the previous weddings!

I declined to attend my brother-in-law's third wedding (trust me, the dislike is mutual).

I was a bit sad that my OH didn't let me write 'sorry can't make this one, see you next time' on the RSVP. Wink[/quote]
@AffIt I dare you write it on the RSVP card for his 4th wedding Grin

Missyc11 · 13/04/2022 18:01

Amen to this!

maybloss2 · 13/04/2022 18:15

Hi op, I think maybe a group email to everyone that has already arranged a wedding stating that it’s beyond yr capabilities to afford all of them, so rather than choose you are going to none. But would like to send or contribute to the honeymoon( money) or a lovely gift instead maybe.

anon666 · 13/04/2022 18:33

One year we had two weddings in close proximity and declined. The distance of the declined one was a big factor, we'd have to have flown and couldn't afford it.

However, the following year we had two weddings at different ends of the country, both really special close friends. We dashed from Hampshire to Yorkshire the morning after a free bar, but ended up missing the wedding and getting there in time for the speeches.

I felt really bad but I just could not decide between two such treasured friends.

I do love weddings, but I did decline one or two that were "no children allowed" in a remote place when I was breastfeeding.

It's fine to not go if you explain.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/04/2022 19:49

I miss weddings, I’m 57. However, I’ve been to two funerals in the last year (both for parents of people whose weddings I did attend in the 99s).
But YANBU - it’s all so expensive these days.

SingleMumOnlyChild · 13/04/2022 19:56

I’m 51 and one of my good friends from school, (I was a bridesmaid) just posted her 20 year wedding anniversary on FB.
Of all the weddings I went to in 2002-2004 (probably about 8) I’m Facebook friends with about 2 of them. I’m not even friends with any of the others.

I didn’t even have kids and a good job, but it was steep attending all those weddings. Just send them a nice card.

Jeannie88 · 13/04/2022 20:22

So many weddings at moment, can't keep up either! I've been selective, just don't have the time and money to go to them all, or the desire lol. X

Mamma23 · 13/04/2022 20:28

I don’t think it’s rude at all… I didn’t do a save the date, I just sent invites out about a year in advance (6 months for evening guests). I didn’t do it to ‘force’ people to come to the wedding, we wanted everyone we invited there and wanted to give them plenty of time to save money for the hotel (we live 3 hours from my family and our friends are dotted around the country from Uni) etc as we knew attending weddings gets expensive, as well as being able to book any time off if needed as we got married on a Monday. It does seem to be the done thing now, inviting a year or more in advance- I know I prefer knowing a year before it rather than a few months before.

Teenagehorrorbag · 13/04/2022 20:31

I once had three in one day.....!! Aged about 28 or 29 I think. Did one day do (local) and one evening (an hour or so away and hotel overnight), had to decline the third!

If you've already accepted the first few it's really hard - I sympathise. But once you have children weddings are always difficult, I'd be inclined to cancel any earlier acceptances - except your DBs - and explain you don't want to pick one or two and just can't do them all.

Lovely13 · 13/04/2022 21:17

You are allowed to say no! It’s empowering. And remember, you’re not that essential to line-up. Close family you need to say yes to. But other than that, I’d hate someone to feel obligated. Just send a nicer gift than you would have done if you’d attended!

Stilsmiling · 13/04/2022 23:52

We had a similar year when we had one kid, 5 invites, two weddings a day after each other, both close friends (different friendship groups).
Thankfully these weddings were close to home. One was in Germany so my OH stayed at home with our toddler.
You just need to work out what you can manage financially and try to enjoy them.

FridayBluezzzz · 14/04/2022 00:04

I’m old but I had 2 years like this in my 20s. Loads of weddings meaning we were skint and couldn’t go on holiday as all our AL/cash was used up. I slightly suspect most of them wouldn’t have made the effort if me and DH had a proper wedding.
25 years later most are divorced, I don’t hear from a chunk of them, I made less effort with second weddings.
I have no great advice but if you aren’t close I would pick and choose. I didn’t even know that many people at the weddings often so it wasn’t even a great excuse for a reunion. Just me and lots of new friends. One thing I would definitely not do were the hen nights.

Larafromthe80s · 14/04/2022 00:05

Another 1 to add that I'd make the most of it if you can... maybe driving there and back and not drinking may help with cost?
2014 was 'that' year for me
I had my own wedding, I was bridesmaid twice, my husband was a best man and we had another 2 standard weddings
We were skint.
Fast forward 8 years, we haven't been to a wedding - day or night - for 6 years now and miss it!

JennyJumpup · 14/04/2022 01:04

You can decline all of them apart from your brother.

Just buy them an expensive gift—it will be cheaper for you and they will remember it more than the 2 minutes you will actually get to spend interacting with them at their wedding.

CharSiu · 14/04/2022 01:43

I remember the whirlwind of about 3 years where there were loads of weddings. Then the children coming along and then some divorces and now sadly some deaths.

I love a wedding, haven’t been to one since 2019. You don’t have to go if it’s too difficult.

Pinzotti · 14/04/2022 07:17

The trouble is, everyone's catching up from 2 years fallow. You'll just have to be honest. TBF my brother just got married and they were glad when people said no because it saved £140 a head on food!!

MachineBee · 14/04/2022 10:52

For those saying it’ll tail off and you’ll only get invitations to funerals- don’t rely on it. I’m over 60 and some of my circle are now on their 3rd weddings! One is even doing a white dress destination wedding 😩

RachaelN · 14/04/2022 10:59

Don't feel bad if you have to decline some. Weddings are time consuming and expensive.
We have just received our first and had to decline because we are away and they were very understanding

Nodancingshoes · 14/04/2022 11:36

Well I'd be wearing the same dress to several of them to start with!

dayslikethese1 · 15/04/2022 05:03

Can you not pick which to attend based on how close of a friend they are and decline the rest? Cite childcare/work whatever. Wear the same dress, just give a bottle and card. If you're not close to any of them just go to your brother's. Have to say these posts are making me feel very unpopular, think I've only been invited to about 6 weddings in my whole life. I'd actually like to be invited to one now Grin