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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to have to decline any further notice wedding invites

159 replies

howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 16:35

DH and I have a lot of friends from uni, the type you see once a year and FaceTime every few months- so dear old friends but not best close friends.

We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. 1 is my bother, and the other 4 fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all 5 weekends. And that's before the stag and hen do invites start coming...

Just feel rubbish as we love them all and want to be there to celebrate them all, but probably can't, and god I just really cba with the inevitable upset when we can't do it all for all of them (we're the only ones with kids and afaik money issues so I'm sure everyone else will be there for all of it).

Sorry for the rant. Can anyone empathise Grin

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2022 17:46

Get a planner and pencil them in now. Obv your brothers goes in first.
Are the other hour from the same friendship group? Are they all at the "old but not close" friend criteria?

If you've not accepted any yet, I would look at who has what when and see how spaced put they are. Three weddings in March and two in April vs one every other month is very different.

If it's same friendship group I would accept in received order but if one a subsequent one is too close decline. Ultimately that's life.

Are they all no kids invited?

Octomore · 12/04/2022 17:47

In your situation, I would sack off the stag/hen dos - does that free up a bit of cash to enable you to accept a 6th invite if it comes?

The wedding is the bit that matters.

Original poster
howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 17:49

Thanks for suggestions.

I think all hen and stags except my DB/DSIL will have to be declined. It's just not affordable. I don't mind so much as I am not a party girl but DH will feel bad and gets serious FOMO.

This isn't meant to be an anti wedding thread at all, I love a wedding and our friends are great. It just feels unachievable and if I add up how much it's already going to cost when we're still saving for a deposit and DH and I have never actually been on a holiday out of the country together... Sad

But like posters say, it will likely settle in a few years. Thanks for the understanding.

OP posts:
balalake · 12/04/2022 17:50

If you are declining a year or so in advance, perfectly reasonable, especially if you are saying no to all other than your brother.

Octomore · 12/04/2022 17:50

I think all hen and stags except my DB/DSIL will have to be declined.

Good call. Just be honest with people about the reason - no-one sensible will be offended.

Gelasia · 12/04/2022 17:51

I've made a rule no non-family weddings. They cost so much even just to attend at a distance and a night in a crappy hotel, increasingly common no-kids weddings makes it even harder. Just how it has to be.

Lacedwithgrace · 12/04/2022 17:53

Reply with plenty of time so they can find someone else to take your place and they won't mind. It's a difficult time financially for most so they'll be expecting a few nos.

Passthebubbly · 12/04/2022 17:54

47 here not been to a wedding in years, now find my friends kids getting married had 3 weddings in 6 weeks, same guests at all of them so couldn’t even wear the same dress 😂

oliviastwisted · 12/04/2022 18:03

Oh god I love a good wedding. I’d say we had about 3 years of 5 wedding a year then it tapered off to 1-2 for another 10 years or so. Our last wedding was summer pre covid. I can feel the nostalgia rising in me. All said though they are an expensive pastime and I rarely did the hens and DH missing a good few stags along the way too.

Hopspinach · 12/04/2022 18:07

Maybe just go to the ceremony so you don't have to stay overnight?

Hopspinach · 12/04/2022 18:09

The main thing is witnessing the marriage itself, I would say

BoodleBug51 · 12/04/2022 18:10

I hate weddings. With a passion. I've made it known that I will only attend those of my kids and grandkids from here on.

My cousins wedding a few years ago nearly killed me. We spent the whole afternoon in a cramped bar in the pissing rain while they had 23232032932039232309423 boring photos taken. And we were starving. Never again.

It'll be like groundhog day seeing the same group of people over and over again, OP. If you have to, pick one and meet everyone at that do!

UnsuitableHat · 12/04/2022 18:12

I’d try to go to the weddings but probably not the hens, unless they were low key/inexpensive. Obvs depends on finances though and the likelihood of more popping up! My wedding record in one year was (only?) 5.

Vsirbdo · 12/04/2022 18:13

We had a year like that and we’d also got married that year so we didn’t feel able to decline as they’d all come to ours but god it was expensive (just making sure I had enough suitable dresses was a pain in itself and I was jealous of DH just being able to wear the same suit).

Hopspinach · 12/04/2022 18:13

@BoodleBug51

I hate weddings. With a passion. I've made it known that I will only attend those of my kids and grandkids from here on.

My cousins wedding a few years ago nearly killed me. We spent the whole afternoon in a cramped bar in the pissing rain while they had 23232032932039232309423 boring photos taken. And we were starving. Never again.

It'll be like groundhog day seeing the same group of people over and over again, OP. If you have to, pick one and meet everyone at that do!

I'd say that is an unfortunate anomaly, at least from my experience. At every wedding I've been to I've been well-fed throughout the day, and the couple have always made an effort to get photos out of the way asap.
EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 12/04/2022 18:15

An ex had a uni group like this. He said it was like watching the same play over and over but with different friends playing the leading roles.

Britneysy · 12/04/2022 18:15

Yes! We have 6 this year, 2 of which are causing no end of drama. I hate weddings so not looking forward to them at all.

RosesAndHellebores · 12/04/2022 18:16

90/91 we had six weddings a year for a couple of years. Thankfully we didn't have DC. Thankfully too the hens/stags were a hosted dinner. Once the DC came along we sometimes had to decline due to logistics. But just before that the christenings started.

It's all starting again. DS is getting married in September. One of the very earliest of his crowd. However it all seems very measured.

MerryMarigold · 12/04/2022 18:17

If the friends are all genuinely 'equal', then I would set a limit on one per month - the first one you were invited to gets first dibbs. If there are 3 in August and one is your brother's then that will have to be the winner. Just explain you can't get so much childcare close together, which is true. If there is one in May, one in July, one in August, one in December, then I think it's more doable.

SafelySoftly · 12/04/2022 18:18

You’re at a different life stage. You chose to settle down much earlier than your friends and have kids much earlier. Ultimately I expect you’ll find these friends will fade away as you can’t do what they are doing and ultimately that was your choice.

Original poster
howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 18:18

To clarify, the friends are from different groups!

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/04/2022 18:21

I had a few years where all my annual leave and all my spare money were eaten up by weddings and hen nights. I enjoyed them but, looking back, I am shocked how much it must have added up to.

I think it is OK to prioritise the ones you really want to go to, and tell the other couples that you have already committed to something that weekend. I would definitely go for the white lie rather than saying "I have too many weddings to go to and I don't want to spend the £500 in your case".

Washermother33 · 12/04/2022 18:21

Approaching 50 and I can safely say that many of the people I travelled to see marry at 20 something or early 30s are no longer together or I am not in contact with them other than quite superficially . Friendships change over time and the commitment to family means that by necessity other bonds loosen . Maybe that sounds a bit miserable but I wouldn’t put yourself in financial difficulty to jump through wedding hoops .

If you can go without overnighting even if just to the ceremony and give a thoughtful gift that they’ll remember came from you that would be my preference . If you can’t just be honest and kind with your refusals and try and be consistent with people that know one another

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/04/2022 18:22

To clarify, the friends are from different groups!

Excellent, that makes it easier to say you have something else on.

HotChoc10 · 12/04/2022 18:25

@Motherdare

I think it’s quite rude to ask people to save the date more than a year in advance. It’s forcing people to attend your wedding as most of us don’t have holidays etc planned that far ahead. Tradition used to be you told the date to the key people then sent out invitations about 4 months before.
It's not rude for anyone to invite you to their wedding!
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