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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to have to decline any further notice wedding invites

159 replies

howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 16:35

DH and I have a lot of friends from uni, the type you see once a year and FaceTime every few months- so dear old friends but not best close friends.

We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. 1 is my bother, and the other 4 fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all 5 weekends. And that's before the stag and hen do invites start coming...

Just feel rubbish as we love them all and want to be there to celebrate them all, but probably can't, and god I just really cba with the inevitable upset when we can't do it all for all of them (we're the only ones with kids and afaik money issues so I'm sure everyone else will be there for all of it).

Sorry for the rant. Can anyone empathise Grin

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 12/04/2022 20:09

Thus is normal, maybe covid delays made it worse than it usually is from 28 to about 33/5. Usually a lot of people from a group get married in a 3 year window.

Go to the weddings. It's important to be there for the big moments. Decline the stags/hens. Tell them why you can't afford it.

And you don't have to get expensive gifts. I much preferred my friends at my wedding than a gift.

ZenNudist · 12/04/2022 20:10

See if you can share rooms with friends if not going with DH. I did travel lodge for some weddings because I was literally only in it to be passed out.

Don't worry about rewearing outfits.

boatyardblues · 12/04/2022 20:17

@Rodedooda

Did they all come to your wedding?

It's just that time of life. I had no holidays for a couple of years, but paid a lot in trailfinders vouchers for those years...

I remember that time too. All of our meagre disposable income at the time went on travel, accommodation and gifts for friends’ weddings. It was nice to see our friends, but it was deadly dull for a couple of summers because we had no money to do anything else but pay bills and go to weddings.
OfstedOffred · 12/04/2022 20:38

It really does slow down, everyone has that peak year where they have a few. If it's more than 6 in a single year tbh you are imho too popular for your own good.

We had 4 or 5 a year for about 4 years. Only 1 last year, 3 this year, only expecting 1 next year!

KosherDill · 12/04/2022 20:43

@EmmaH2022

I now decline and don’t have kids It’s too expensive and they barely have time for guests unless it’s small
This.

They'll be just as married the next day with or without specific guests, I figure. I'd rather socialize with people when they aren't busy on centre stage. And I'd rather spend my money on travel and other pursuits that are of value to me.

It's nice to pop into a nearby wedding/party for a few hours but to devote entire weekends and huge amounts of money to distant ones isn't for all of us. And if the friendship is strong it will survive.

honeyfox · 12/04/2022 20:52

The year I got married one of my husband's friends had 15 weddings that year and we were the first, in May! I don't know how they did it.

Ponderingwindow · 12/04/2022 20:56

I remember those days. I couldn’t possibly attend them all, even without kids. Most of mine involved airfare so people were generally understanding.

Booboobagins · 12/04/2022 20:59

Could you send a video congratulating them and apologising you couldn't be there in person? Best man could show it as part of his session? Might be a good option for others who can't make it.

underneaththeash · 12/04/2022 21:02

We had one year with 10 weddings. Far too many to actually enjoy. Plus, I worked Saturdays and had to beg for time off. Couldn’t make any of the hen dos.
Haven’t been to a wedding for years (but would love to now).
Just bad timings. If you can’t go, people will understand.

Bornsloppy · 12/04/2022 21:02

Between 27-30yo we must have been to 4-7 weddings a year, plus some of the stags/hens. We had a couple of destination ones and ended up turning them into mini breaks because we couldn't afford to a big holiday. A decade+ down the line there's not as much time for socialising, more kids to wrangle, different priorities so while I'm not sure I loved it at the time, I'm pleased we went to as many as we could.

SpiderVersed · 12/04/2022 21:03

It happens to us all.

For us the dreaded Year Of Weddings was actually 16 months with 18 weddings. An absolute nightmare for cost of presents, travel, outfits etc - literally thousands. As a result I now hate weddings.

We decided the only manageable response was no stag/hen things (cited work commitments) and not travelling beyond 2 hours.

GreenClock · 12/04/2022 21:09

I knew you’d be aged around 29/30!!! Such a busy time for weddings! It’ll pass…until ….. age 49/50 when people are remarrying, but at least you’ll have no childcare issues then.

I’d decline all hens/stags in this cycle.

Go alone to a couple of the weddings and leave DH with the DC (and vice versa).

Don’t spend too much on a gift.

angelsandinsects · 12/04/2022 21:11

I remember this. It was hectic and somewhat repetitive at the time but, 15 years later, and I'd much rather have that than a diary full of the DC's sport fixtures and the funerals of friends' parents and friends themselves.
The christening phase I quite liked as only about 20% of those who got married invited me to their DC's christenings and there was always and element of surprise as you never knew if it would be followed by a three course sit down lunch, a buffet or a a cup of tea and a dash to the nearest petrol station as soon as was polite for a bag of crisps. They were always horribly early though.

HippeePrincess · 12/04/2022 21:14

I’d just decline all except for close family and best friends. Weddings are bloody boring anyway imo.

angelsandinsects · 12/04/2022 21:15

To pick up on a comment a PP made about who they're still in touch with, from peak wedding year when I went to 11, the situation 15 years later is:

  • 1 death
  • 4 divorces (still in touch with my/DH's friend from three of the couples)
  • 3 no longer in contact with
  • 3 still very good friends with and see regularly
Comedycook · 12/04/2022 21:17

Don't feel bad.

You'd be able to go if people had normal weddings like they did in the good old days...you know, local church or registry office, party in a hall/pub and a kettle as a gift. Hen/stag night in a local nightclub for ONE night only.

You can't go because everything now is a destination or in the middle of nowhere, childfree and lasting days with requests for cash gifts and a hen/stag which consists of a long weekend in Vegas and a spa weekend away blah blah blah

VestaTilley · 12/04/2022 21:18

Obviously go to your DB’s, then you and DH take the friend’s weddings 1 at a time, alternating who goes. Give a very cheap gift and drive home that night instead of getting a hotel, if doable.

2023 also gives you some time to save up. It’s expensive at the time, but will stop in a few years.

csectionmumma · 12/04/2022 21:19

@howdowemanage they will trail off don't worry. I'm now 35 and have none in the diary anymore!

What we have done in the past is only one of us has gone, as it helps with the childcare issue. This might not save money (unless you can share with another guest who you know) and doesn't always work if you don't know anyone else, but worked on occasions for us

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/04/2022 21:22

If childcare is an issue I would only go to the ones that invite your kids, any that are child free give you an easy excuse not to go and mean your can enjoy a few without having to enjoy them all.

Hawkins001 · 12/04/2022 21:25

@howdowemanage

Anyway I forgot the point of my thread- having received invite to wedding 5 today, what the hell do I do if they keep coming???
Keep Rollin, I must admit I understand your perspectives, just wish I had five weddings to sttend
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 12/04/2022 21:29

We've declined 4 "child free" weddings now
It's a great excuse not to go

If my friends had kids I'd just invite them if I was getting married far too many precious people about "not wanting kids at their wedding" then I furiatingly there is un-doubtedly other kids there which I find 2 faced

We have 2 family friendly weddings to go to this year looking forward to them

VestaTilley · 12/04/2022 21:29

Ha, a PP has just reminded me of the weekend in 2011 where I had one wedding in Surrey on a Saturday then another wedding in Essex on the Sunday.

Thank God I was in my early 20s, it would break me trying to do that now - and I did it all on trains and taxis, and Sunday’s one with a hangover.

  • I meant to say in my earlier post, don’t go on any of the stag/hens - make that clear to bride and groom now and they won’t have any right to be upset about it.
EasterDecorations · 12/04/2022 21:33

Yes from those I went to in my late 20s to early 30s I’m only in touch with about half the couples now we’re in our 50s, some are divorced. Quite a few that came to our wedding we’re no longer in touch with, or Christmas card only type contact. I wish we’d invited more relatives and fewer friends now.

needmorethanthis · 12/04/2022 21:33

I’d go to all of them. What fun. When you’re my age (50) and get zero invites you’ll look back and regret it. Go. Take lots of photos. Make new friends. Make memories. Make photo albums.

Comedycook · 12/04/2022 21:35

@needmorethanthis

I’d go to all of them. What fun. When you’re my age (50) and get zero invites you’ll look back and regret it. Go. Take lots of photos. Make new friends. Make memories. Make photo albums.
I'm sure it's easy to think like this in hindsight but in the here and now, it often just seems expensive and logistically difficult.