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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to have to decline any further notice wedding invites

159 replies

howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 16:35

DH and I have a lot of friends from uni, the type you see once a year and FaceTime every few months- so dear old friends but not best close friends.

We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. 1 is my bother, and the other 4 fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all 5 weekends. And that's before the stag and hen do invites start coming...

Just feel rubbish as we love them all and want to be there to celebrate them all, but probably can't, and god I just really cba with the inevitable upset when we can't do it all for all of them (we're the only ones with kids and afaik money issues so I'm sure everyone else will be there for all of it).

Sorry for the rant. Can anyone empathise Grin

OP posts:
BottleBrushTree · 12/04/2022 21:40

It’s a life cycle thing. 20s and early 30s, weddings, weddings, weddings. Then next it’s the kids arriving, followed by divorces. Fortunately the funeral cycle hasn’t started for us yet. 😁

VerbenaGirl · 12/04/2022 21:46

What I would say is that this will be a short lived period of your lives. We had a couple of years with loads of weddings that we look back on so fondly. Late 40s and we’ve tipped into more post-operation visits and funerals than weddings now.

Hollywolly1 · 12/04/2022 21:52

I haven't been invited to a wedding in years 😕, I used to love to stay away but it was always difficult with babies and young children and I had to come home early a few times as baby not settling, now they are teens I've not been invited to any.I remember being bridesmaid for my sister and I hadn't slept the night before the wedding and went to bed at 5am after the wedding as we stayed in the hotel and my little boy decided he was going to build blocks at 6am so up we got to play.We were the only mad people down for breakfast at 7am and going home for 9am with my children, the rest of the hotel were blissfully asleep.These years pass but don't feel like you have to go to all weddings because you don't, you have young children and they come first

TolkiensFallow · 12/04/2022 21:53

Oh this happens to everyone…
So when it happened to me (7 in a year and I declined 2 more because the dates clashed) I declined all hen do’s and just said to the brides “I’m sorry but I’ve been invited to 9 weddings this year and 9 hen do’s, I just can’t afford or have enough annual leave to do everything so I’m declining everything.

With the clashing wedding dates I went to the ones most local to me - I figured these were the people I was most likely to remain close to and it was cheaper!

For over nighters - book well in advance and go for a premier inn to keep the cost down!

Geezabreak82 · 12/04/2022 21:53

As others have said this phase only lasts for a few years. During 2010-12 I didn't manage to have a whole week off except from at Christmas because all my annual leave was frittered away on long weekends for weddings and hen dos. Then since 2014 I've only been three weddings. I'd love to be invited to another one, but I think all my friends are past the stage where it's likely. If you're going to struggle to make end meets or have enough time off for childcare then start turning them down. Otherwise go to as many as you can and make the most of it while it lasts!

Surreyhillsmamatobe · 12/04/2022 22:29

@zurala

Do the weddings, decline the hens and stags and be honest it's about money so they understand. I'm 47 now and I get no weddings, just funerals, so enjoy it while you can.
Eh! You’re only 47, not 87 Grin

I’m 47 and have four weddings this year + two hens 🤦🏻‍♀️

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 12/04/2022 23:13

I would go but resolve not to attend the second weddings

Brutal 🤣

Grilledaubergines · 12/04/2022 23:30

Are they all part of the same uni group of friends?

Could you decline all and explain it’s for financial reasons but maybe hold a do for them all at yours?

RampantIvy · 12/04/2022 23:40

I’m 47 and have four weddings this year + two hens 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why the face palm?
At 47 everyone I was close to of marriageable age was already married.

TheLadyDIdGood · 12/04/2022 23:49

@howdowemanage

To clarify, the friends are from different groups!
This is a bit easier to manage tbh, decline the destination and furthest away wedding/s. Attend only your brother's and the weddings closest to you in distance to save money. Send a card and a gift voucher for the others which will be cheaper than attending.

I've accepted only one invitation this year as its within the M25! This is my rule now, if its possible to attend in a day then I will go. If I need to book a hotel unless it's an extremely close relative or best friend then I'll decline. An invitation is just that, it's not a summons to attend.

Original poster
howdowemanage · 13/04/2022 07:07

So it's funny, I'm no pushover. I even buy into, and have put into practice the Mumsnet age old 'no is a complete sentence'. But I still struggle with 'an invitation is not a summons' Grin whilst I agree, it's just not as easy as saying 'no', is it.

We declined a cousin wedding in Italy 4 years ago because 1) we had a small baby 2) we had no money 3) I had no annual leave and the groom still isn't really talking to DH.

OP posts:
HandlebarLadyTash · 13/04/2022 07:11

Decline , half will end in divorce.

Ericaequites · 13/04/2022 07:23

Wear the same outfit to each wedding, or stick with two outfits. As Henry David Thoreau said, “Beware all occasions that require new clothes.”

Grilledaubergines · 13/04/2022 07:41

@HandlebarLadyTash

Decline , half will end in divorce.
How joyful!

Although if only OP could foresee which half. She could at least go to the others and Have a lovely time!

Aprilx · 13/04/2022 07:49

I would do my best to go. It is just that time of life, make the most of it, don’t fall for the mumsnet rhetoric that a wedding invitation is one of the worst things that could happen to you ever. I would love to get invited to a wedding but it isn’t really very likely it will happen to me again (50s no children).

Comedycook · 13/04/2022 07:55

Decline , half will end in divorce

A woman I know had a destination wedding. ...on the other side of the world. Think 12hour flight...plus more travel at the other end. Bride and groom were both British so no ties or family in that location, so there was no reason besides they just fancied it. I didn't go but loads of their friends and family did.

Marriage didn't last a year.

Bayleaf25 · 13/04/2022 08:06

I know it’s difficult and I sound like a right old so and so, but I’m 49 and also haven’t had a wedding for years but plenty of funerals (including friends whose weddings we went to years ago 😢). I’d give anything to go back to those carefree days.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 13/04/2022 08:12

@SkoolShoes! 2001 was our Summer of Weddings too - including - shockingly (Smile) one during the FA cup final where hand the guests ended up in the bar (days before smartphones), and the one with no food (still memorable 21 years later).

xmaswiththeinlaws · 13/04/2022 08:19

Gosh i feel like such a saddo. I don't think I've ever been invited to more than 2 in a year and probably not more than 15 altogether, people do understand if you can't make it though. These days it's more funerals than weddings, which reminds me I need to reply to a funeral invite.

GoldenGorilla · 13/04/2022 08:28

Ah this brings back memories! The year I was 30 we had a period of three months when we went to a wedding every sodding weekend. Couldn’t afford an actual holiday that year.

I’m 45 now and haven’t been to a wedding in at least 5 years. These days it’s occasional christenings and milestone birthday parties.

But yes if you can’t afford it, then just say so. With the cost of living crisis everybody has ti get more comfortable just saying “I can’t afford it” or “that’s not in my budget”. Actual sane friends will understand that.

Original poster
howdowemanage · 13/04/2022 08:30

I just wish it was a nice 1-per-year rather than this free for all Grin

OP posts:
Salacia · 13/04/2022 08:36

8 this year (going to 5) - have declined all but one hen do (I’m a bridesmaid for that one so couldn’t duck out!). Declined the two in the most awkward locations (barn in the middle of nowhere, sparse local taxi service etc) - I figure if having everyone there was so important they’d have picked an easier location to get to! I felt bad for about 5 minutes but it’s actually quite liberating!

Original poster
howdowemanage · 13/04/2022 08:42

@Salacia

8 this year (going to 5) - have declined all but one hen do (I’m a bridesmaid for that one so couldn’t duck out!). Declined the two in the most awkward locations (barn in the middle of nowhere, sparse local taxi service etc) - I figure if having everyone there was so important they’d have picked an easier location to get to! I felt bad for about 5 minutes but it’s actually quite liberating!
How did you go about it? When it always seems to be a group WhatsApp organised by the MOH who often I don't even know. So awkward.
OP posts:
Salacia · 13/04/2022 10:14

‘I’m so sorry, I have plans that weekend! Make sure you spoil (the bride) rotten and have an amazing time. Looking forward to seeing all the embarrassing pictures!’

Or similar, then leave or mute the group. If I’m feeling especially generous/they’re going to a restaurant etc I might message the MOH/bridesmaids to send some money for a bottle of wine on me. If they’re arranging dates then I send a message along the lines of ‘still waiting on my rota/husbands rota/potentially on the dates of another event so I’ll do my best to fit in with the majority’, or wait until there’s an unpopular date and pick that one. The bonus of lots of weddings is that some of the weddings are now on the hen do dates anyway meaning that I’ve already got a ready made excuse.

It’s even easier in my experience if you don’t know the maid of honour/organiser as there’s no emotional connection there and they’re normally stressed trying to plan - one less person at an early stage the better!

HandlebarLadyTash · 13/04/2022 13:12

Ignore me I am a miserable sod
Just sick of travelling to weddings giving up the weekend for the marrage to be over in 1-2 years.