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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to have to decline any further notice wedding invites

159 replies

howdowemanage · 12/04/2022 16:35

DH and I have a lot of friends from uni, the type you see once a year and FaceTime every few months- so dear old friends but not best close friends.

We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. 1 is my bother, and the other 4 fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all 5 weekends. And that's before the stag and hen do invites start coming...

Just feel rubbish as we love them all and want to be there to celebrate them all, but probably can't, and god I just really cba with the inevitable upset when we can't do it all for all of them (we're the only ones with kids and afaik money issues so I'm sure everyone else will be there for all of it).

Sorry for the rant. Can anyone empathise Grin

OP posts:
Goldbar · 12/04/2022 18:26

I'd decline the hen/stags and then you and your DH take turns to go to the weddings (depending on who is closest to bride/groom) unless you can get childcare for the weekend, in which case go together.

That cuts the expense, you're still showing that you care about their day by having one of you attend and you should each hopefully get a couple of childfree overnight trips away.

SirGawain · 12/04/2022 18:33

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I did 8 weddings in one year. It was a slog but it was the natural peak in my friendships group. I would go but resolve not to attend the second weddings.
Not cynical are we!
zafferana · 12/04/2022 18:41

Ah - I remember this stage well and I really don't miss it (another almost 50-year-old).

DH and I had two weddings on one weekend in 2006 - one his friend in country A and one my friend in country B. We lived in country C at the time, which was a long-haul flight from both and in opposite directions, so I went to my friend's wedding and he went to his. Now I'm trying to remember the last wedding I went to, it was years ago!

Proudboomer · 12/04/2022 18:44

If it is going to strain the finances then just politely decline and maybe send a small gift and card so they know you are thinking of them instead. If you only see them once a year and chat every few months then they will know that your lives have moved in different directions and should understand that you have children and other commitments for your time and money. And if they are not understanding then their not the friends you think they are.

Fizbosshoes · 12/04/2022 18:53

@BoodleBug51 @Hopspinach
I'd say that is an unfortunate anomaly, at least from my experience. At every wedding I've been to I've been well-fed throughout the day, and the couple have always made an effort to get photos out of the way asap.

We had the same experience too. Bride and groom went off for days what seemed like hours for photos and everyone was ready to eat their own arm. The brides mum had some snacks in a tupperware pot but no one else had any food until the sit down meal.

SurferRona · 12/04/2022 18:58

I had seven in a 12 month period (summers, but one lovely winter one) when in late 20s. Was where almost all of my disposable income went. Different groups, but not exclusively so limited scope to recycle outfits. Only two hens and three stags thankfully. They are SO bloody expensive to go to. And we refused two more, one I regret.

GrannyBloomers · 12/04/2022 19:02

DSis went to over 20 weddings one year, including 2 in New York (weekend job) and one in Australia. There was more than one weekend with more than one wedding.
She is an epic and gracious guest. I have made up for it by declining every invite I have received for the last few years.

Qwill · 12/04/2022 19:11

I had 10 in one year once! I quite enjoy weddings, but we were lucky enough to be in a position to afford them and a lot were in London so no travel or accommodation required. Definitely don’t go to the hen do if you don’t want to. If your husband does, then I think it’s ok to allow a little break in your deposit saving to attend friend’s stag/hens - for those that like them they are good fun. Just think of it as him meeting some mates for a meal etc. my husband and I just prioritise, so will just go to the evening meal, won’t go abroad etc., depending on finances.

As you’ve said you’re not really that close friends with most of the wedding groups, then don’t worry about declining. They really won’t be bothered (and I don’t mean that horribly). They’ll save £100-odd quiz on your meals drinks etc, so might even be relieved!!

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/04/2022 19:13

We had to decline weddings , particularly if a hotel stay was involved.We generally said we were working which worked well as an excuse in our circles.if you can't afford to go then of course you don't go.I had no qualms in sticking to my 'summer ' and 'winter' wedding outfits either so no constant buying of clothes. I worked in a rota when young so save the date would have been redundant.

theleafandnotthetree · 12/04/2022 19:13

@howdowemanage

To clarify, the friends are from different groups!
Well surely that makes it easier because someone can't get the hump if you go to other weddings but not theirs! (And don't plaster it all over social media)
DiscoBadgers · 12/04/2022 19:14

The year I was 29, I went to 11 weddings. Cost me a fucking fortune!!

WalkerWalking · 12/04/2022 19:14

I love celebrating friends' marriages. I very very rarely go to the hen do, never stay over unless I really have to (I'm not to drink, and to drive up to 3 hrs home at 8pm rather than miss the whole thing), I give modest gifts that I can actually afford, and I have exactly 2 outfits that I wear on rotation.

Marriage really isn't about all that other crap. It's about celebrating with friends and family. That said, I've probably not been invited to quite as many weddings as some people seem to be.

Honeyroar · 12/04/2022 19:19

@howdowemanage

To clarify, the friends are from different groups!
So they don’t know each other? In that case you could do one or two that fell on easy to do weeks/places you’d like to visit, but decline the rest if you wanted. Send a card and present to the others?
EasterDecorations · 12/04/2022 19:20

I remember this stage from my mid-20s too, luckily this was pre DCs. Endless travel all over the country for weddings, but hen nights were either only for closest friends/family or just a night out not a weekend away. Now I’m in my 50s it’s more like one every 3 or 4 years.

They aren’t expecting a definite yes or no at this stage presumably, it’s more of a save the date thing. I’d stick them in the diary for now and see how things pan out a bit nearer the time, final numbers aren’t normally needed till a few weeks beforehand. Anything can change with over a year to go.

WhiteFire · 12/04/2022 19:23

@zurala

Do the weddings, decline the hens and stags and be honest it's about money so they understand. I'm 47 now and I get no weddings, just funerals, so enjoy it while you can.
Yep, I've been thinking the same recently. The great circle of life I guess.

(A few younger colleagues are getting married which is what triggered my thoughts)

Bentley123 · 12/04/2022 19:33

To cut on accommodation costs do you know people near any of the weddings that perhaps you could ask to stay with? Even if it’s someone an hour away you could drive to the wedding in the morning. Or do it as a day trip (a long drive perhaps but you could share it & no drinks) I guess it depends how keen you are to go.
A gift doesn’t need to be expensive by friend got me a lovely love poem book and it’s really precious. I’d rather a friend came to the wedding than an expensive gift. Also outfit wise you can shop second hand if you don’t mind - so much cheaper. And if it’s separate friendship groups re-wear the same outfit.
I declined a wedding a couple of years ago , I hadn’t seen her in a few years and was not in a good place following having had my baby (who was invited but hated travelling)

MarvelMrs · 12/04/2022 19:40

I agree with a PP. Enjoy them and go if you can. Weddings are a beautiful fun exciting way to spend a day/weekend. I had a year with 5 funerals and no weddings (thankfully have one this year.). I missed the wedding celebrations.
Btw I appreciate they are expensive and complicated logistically. But turn down all hen/stag invites (everyone gets so drunk they won’t remember anyway) and just buy one or two outfits for all the weddings and don’t bow to pressure for new outfits and expensive gifts. Just enjoy the events.

Flittingaboutagain · 12/04/2022 19:41

One year in my early 30s I had seven weddings to attend. All involved an overnight stay and three involved two night hen dos. It was the most expensive year of my life! I definitely couldn't afford it since having children and a much more expensive mortgage.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2022 19:44

No hens or stags. Give a bottle of champagne and a card to each couple. Use an outfit you already have to cover the lot, or borrow things from friends. I had an outfit I wore to 9 weddings in a row. Look out for relatives or other friends you can stay with a reasonable distance from the weddings, or leave early to get home on the same day. It's all a bit miserable but it does significantly reduce the costs.

MsTSwift · 12/04/2022 19:51

If childcare an issue go on your own to the ones you are closer too. Don’t go to the stag and hens stuff. Real shame to miss them all as they do tail off. Late forties here I and all my friends ship group would love a wedding!

AnotherEmma · 12/04/2022 19:54

I love a good wedding (hate a bad one, but it's hard to predict in advance!)

Perhaps you and DH could each pick one friend's wedding that you really want to attend and then go to them both together, but skip the others. (Plus you will obviously go to your brother's wedding.) If you really can't decide between your friends, go with practical considerations such as location - could you get there and back in the same day, and avoid paying for a hotel? Do you have a friend who lives near the venue and could put you up?

Don't feel the need to spend a lot on wedding gifts. And definitely no need to attend stag/hen dos as PPs have said.

You could be honest and say you can't afford it or make an excuse, childcare is an easy one, or work maybe.

Acheyknees · 12/04/2022 19:56

I don't particularly enjoy weddings and would hate to be invited to 5 in a year. My idea of hell

Twattergy · 12/04/2022 20:00

I'd pick one or two that I really wanted to go to and say no to the others. And say no to hen dos too. Looking back the only weddings I'm glad I was at were those of my very closest friends. Wider circle of friends really didn't mean much, although were a fun evening out. I doubt they'd have cared if I wasn't there, although of course it is lovely to be asked. For those you don't go to, invite them out for a post wedding dinner as a treat/present- you'll get a better catch up with them.

Lonoxo · 12/04/2022 20:03

I would try to go to the wedding but decline the stag/hen. Your DH might have FOMO but he will just have to suck it up. Your attendance is the important thing so give a modest gift if that’s all you can afford. Did any of these couples send a gift for your wedding even though they weren’t invited due to covid?

Loncan · 12/04/2022 20:04

A close friend had 19 weddings in the span of about 4.5 months, including 2 on the same day where both her and her then husband were in separate bridal parties. In a country where money is the standard gift, they were out thousands by the end of the summer. I’m glad the constant wedding/baby shower time of my life is over!