To think my mum was being rude?

[Hairbrush123]

Just came back from a trip to London with my mum and we spent the night in a 5* hotel. We both love London and my mum had a voucher to use a hotel for an overnight stay so thought it was perfect.

She doesn’t really get to experience staying in hotels so I decided to book the room in my name as I have status with this particular hotel and because of that - we were upgraded to a two bedroom suite from a basic room. It was so opulent (think marble bathrooms, so much space in the bedrooms) and her reaction really surprised me! She didn’t say anything about the fact there are two bedrooms and a living room as opposed to a twin room. I asked her have you noticed we have been upgraded once we were in the room for an hour and she responses with “yeah it’s nice” in the most monotone way possible. She acted like this was something she does every time she comes to London and checks in into a hotel.
We went to visit my sister who was staying at Travelodge and she was more impressed with the Travelodge than the hotel we stayed in.

AIBU to think she was being rude?

I'd be over the moon about that kind of thing but then I'm very aware of treats like that and I'd love an upgrade. But bearing in mind, she didn't know you'd gone to the trouble of securing the upgrade, so she wouldn't think it was rude to you to not be enthusiastic about it.

Even if she had known, it's probably worth reflecting that other people don't have the same values as us. I'd be delighted with someone making the extra effort, she might not be because she wanted it to be her grand gesture, or because she's embarrassed by the bigger space, or because she fancied sharing a room with you and chatting or any number of reasons.

It's hard but we end up being disappointed all the time if we always expect others to behave the same way we do.

I can't see how she was rude, she just didn't react in the way you wanted her to.

However if you offered to book the room surely she knew that the reason you did that was to try and get an upgrade.

She probably felt upset that the original room wasn’t good enough for you and you upgraded it she probably knows and that’s made her feel undervalued

I mentioned as I have status as this post would have been irrelevant without it!

I think it's the way you've phrased it. I've got an ihg loyalty card with a crapload of points on it. If staying somewhere with family or friends I say I've got a loyalty card, let me register it and see what happens. I can't imagine saying the words "I've got status" even if that's some sort of official term. It sounds insufferable pompous.

@EggBurger

I mentioned as I have status as this post would have been irrelevant without it!

I think it's the way you've phrased it. I've got an ihg loyalty card with a crapload of points on it. If staying somewhere with family or friends I say I've got a loyalty card, let me register it and see what happens. I can't imagine saying the words "I've got status" even if that's some sort of official term. It sounds insufferable pompous.

Oh okay. I have mentioned somewhere on the thread what having “status” means (hotel loyalty). Didn’t realize it came across as pompous on this point. I have never told staff at the hotel “I have status” as it’s always linked to my booking. But thanks for pointing it out

Post not point

I've got status at my local corner Sainsbury's too, sooo many nectar points. 😁

You're a customer. End of.
The only "status" is in your head. Why should your mother gush over something she paid for? you got the upgrade free. Was her treat not good enough for you? You need to brag to your own mother how big a deal you are?
You're being unreasonable & not coming across very well at all.

I think your intentions were good OP, but no, as everyone has explained, your Mum was not rude.

I get you OP, my Mum can be a bit the same about all sorts of 'treat'/luxuries, she's not had a an easy life and her children and grandchildren would love to spoil her a bit, but anything from buying the 'finest' range at the supermarket to staying in a 5 star resort or travelling first class can be liable to dodgy reaction, it's not that you expect gushing thanks or anything but a bit of visible pleasure or at least not active disapproval/sour lemon face expression/tutting and finding fault with minor things/commenting on how what a waste of money would be nice! Whereas anything that's a bargain or really cheap tat she'll praise to the heavens. Like a few people have said my mum afterwards often does actually gush to others about how much she's enjoyed the luxury thing, just not in the moment, you have to bear with her really as it's just how she is and she'll never change, we love her dearly just the same .

I think it's a generational/upbringing thing, all my life she's been relatively comfortably off and me and siblings had a perfectly average, middle class type upbringing so don't really 'get' it, but she comes from quite working class roots, her own mother, my grandmother had been brought up in true, grinding poverty and I think it rubbed off, GM had an enormously complex set of ideas and rules about class, money, 'knowing your place', 'getting above yourself', shame and so on that permeated her whole life (everything from how she kept the house to food and clothes and jobs and who her DC married ) and while my Mum is much more open minded on the surface, sometimes when faced with being 'treated' to something out of the norm I can see she's instinctively got my grandmother's pursed lips hovering in her mind and guiding her reaction! Might something similar be going on here?

I think it's simply that you didn't feel her treat was good enough (even though you meant well and were being kind)

You're two different kinds of people now.
You've gone off and gone too university and live a flashier lifestyle than what she's used to. Next time just talk to her and see what she wants.

I cansee another cause for disappointment too - if you don't see each other much, maybe she was looking forward to sharing an actual room with you... Although you'd be in your own beds, there's still something different and close about lying in the dark, talking about how the day had gone, wondering about how tomorrow will go, and about general stuff that you maybe don't get into on the phone. So maybe she was looking for some time together for mother daughter bonding, that wasn't going to happen in the suite, no matter how luxurious it was when compared with a twin room...

The only reason I say that is because a few years ago I went to a wedding that my mum was also going to and it looked like my dp wasn't going to be able to come. My reaction - woohoo, big bed to myself for the night. Her reaction - don't be silly, share my room, it's a waste to have a room each and it will be lovely for us to have an extra catch up and you can do x, y and z for me too. And all of a sudden as her excitement levels started to fizz about us sharing a room, I could feel myself sinking and no longer looking forward to something I'd been excited about. I love my mum to bits but we are both different and we had a very different reaction to the same thing. In the end it didnt matter for me as DH was able to make it , so I didn't have to hurt her feelings and say I didn't want to share or have to suck it up and revert to feeling like her 14 yr old daughter again rather than a capable woman in her 40s.

But I'm thinking that it could well explain your Mum's reaction to the suite, at least in part. And if she's not familiar with loyalty schemes then she might also be that if they gave her a fancy suite for her voucher them she would have preferred to have the standard room for two nights ora meal thrown in - that would be an equivalent monetary cost in her mind, but actually wouldn't happen like that with the loyalty scheme, so she's ending up feeling almost resentful that her voucher has been splurged on unnecessary luxury.

Your “status”? You’re not on Downton Abbey! You need to get over yourself.

Why would she gush and thank you if she didn't know you were the reason you got an upgrade?

None of us knows your Mum @Hairbrush123

You do.

I don't think she was rude as such but her reaction was odd.

Most people would have said how lovely the upgrade was.

She was either underwhelmed and didn't appreciate the difference, OR she was overwhelmed and felt out of place (some people feel self-conscious in posh places if they feel they don't fit in.)

OR she is just someone who never gets excited over anything much and is a very low-key, unemotional sort of person.

Even if it's the latter, I feel she was a tad ungrateful IF she knew you had used your loyalty status to get an upgrade.

Even if the upgrade meant nothing to her, she could have said she appreciated you doing it.

So- not rude but thoughtless and lacking emotional empathy.

It sounds like you wanted a reaction as if you were treating her when actually she was the one treating you.

Perhaps she looked round and thought she wished she’d picked a smaller room for more nights. Regret.

No one says "I've got status" unless ironically without sounding like a pompous arse, you must know that. Normal words would be that you have a loyalty card, everyone knows what that means and it doesn't make you sound like you think you're better than people who don't need to travel for their work

Maybe she didn't realise what the room going to be like in the first place so didn't realise you had been upgraded? My parents certainly wouldn't as they stay in hotels very infrequently. It would be hard for them to see a pic then realise they had a different room. It seems to me like you're being a little unfair to you Mum and she didn't seem rude unless she was off with you for the whole weekend.

I love the way some people have made assumptions of me simply for saying “I have status”. No - I do not believe I am better than anyone else nor am I materialistic

Your phrasing "I have status" leads me to this conclusion. It's a weird way to phrase it. Your phrasing emphasises the status aspect which is inherently, but also explicitly, hierarchical and also tacitly kinda judgy. Others may have phrased it as "I'm in the loyalty scheme so I can sometimes get upgrades, perks, free breakfasts etc." which doesn't play on the status issue. The fact you chose the former phrasing perhaps speaks volumes to some on this thread.

She definitely wasn’t upset that I stole her thunder, made her feel like her gift wasn’t enough. She has always wanted to visit this hotel (she’s been talking about it for years).

Have you considered that she might've just been disappointed once she actually got into the hotel and saw it? Where you saw 'opulence' in the marble bathrooms, perhaps she saw tacky Insta-ready, identi-kit interior design. Where you saw luxury in the excess space and separate bedrooms, perhaps she saw emotional distance, im-personality and in-authenticity.

So when I said let’s see if I can make it more exciting for her, that is what I meant. I mentioned as I have status as this post would have been irrelevant without it!
But this is really rude. Someone offers you a present, gift or treat and you immediately say "Let's see if I can make this better". Whether you were intended to make it better for you or for her is irrelevant, you still implied that her treat for you was inadequate.

@wibdib

I cansee another cause for disappointment too - if you don't see each other much, maybe she was looking forward to sharing an actual room with you... Although you'd be in your own beds, there's still something different and close about lying in the dark, talking about how the day had gone, wondering about how tomorrow will go, and about general stuff that you maybe don't get into on the phone. So maybe she was looking for some time together for mother daughter bonding, that wasn't going to happen in the suite, no matter how luxurious it was when compared with a twin room...

The only reason I say that is because a few years ago I went to a wedding that my mum was also going to and it looked like my dp wasn't going to be able to come. My reaction - woohoo, big bed to myself for the night. Her reaction - don't be silly, share my room, it's a waste to have a room each and it will be lovely for us to have an extra catch up and you can do x, y and z for me too. And all of a sudden as her excitement levels started to fizz about us sharing a room, I could feel myself sinking and no longer looking forward to something I'd been excited about. I love my mum to bits but we are both different and we had a very different reaction to the same thing. In the end it didnt matter for me as DH was able to make it , so I didn't have to hurt her feelings and say I didn't want to share or have to suck it up and revert to feeling like her 14 yr old daughter again rather than a capable woman in her 40s.

But I'm thinking that it could well explain your Mum's reaction to the suite, at least in part. And if she's not familiar with loyalty schemes then she might also be that if they gave her a fancy suite for her voucher them she would have preferred to have the standard room for two nights ora meal thrown in - that would be an equivalent monetary cost in her mind, but actually wouldn't happen like that with the loyalty scheme, so she's ending up feeling almost resentful that her voucher has been splurged on unnecessary luxury.

That is true. Thanks

@Yellownightmare

I'd be over the moon about that kind of thing but then I'm very aware of treats like that and I'd love an upgrade. But bearing in mind, she didn't know you'd gone to the trouble of securing the upgrade, so she wouldn't think it was rude to you to not be enthusiastic about it.

Even if she had known, it's probably worth reflecting that other people don't have the same values as us. I'd be delighted with someone making the extra effort, she might not be because she wanted it to be her grand gesture, or because she's embarrassed by the bigger space, or because she fancied sharing a room with you and chatting or any number of reasons.

It's hard but we end up being disappointed all the time if we always expect others to behave the same way we do.

You are so right. I take it back for saying she was rude after reading the comments, just an odd way to respond to it.

Did you thank her for for letting you accrue the night's points on your loyalty account, rather than setting up her own?

@sunflowerstory of course. Thanks for asking

It seems odd to me that you didn’t boast to your mum about your success in getting the upgrade. People normally boast to their mothers, don’t they.
As you didn’t, she may not have realised it was an upgrade. Anyway, I hope you feel you have got a better perspective now.

@IcedOatLatte

No one says "I've got status" unless ironically without sounding like a pompous arse, you must know that. Normal words would be that you have a loyalty card, everyone knows what that means and it doesn't make you sound like you think you're better than people who don't need to travel for their work

A loyalty card and having “status” are similar but not the same. I.e. having status is only achieved by accruing by staying in the hotel chain through the loyalty and having a loyalty card is just that… a loyalty card but doesn’t always get you perks.

I thought by clarifying that I have status (that does sound quite pompous but didn’t mean for it to be! Honest ) that I would clear up any confusion. I read on forums people calling it status so I didn’t think anything of it!