To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

Why don’t you start now. Get him to do bedtime while you have a shower. Not everytime but hey can you put child to bed so I can grab and a shower and wash my hair thanks.

If he cooks and cleans and does other jobs in the house it not that his not pulling his weight as such but I’m guessing he sees that as him doing his bit so you can be with child as it just became the set way because of breastfeeding a baby if she was cluster feeding so he cooked dinner for you both, she needed feeding to sleep so he tidied up etc and it’s just become the routine.

And he's always been good with housework, neat and tidy, and he works.

This is fine if he does more of the house stuff whilst you do more of the childcare stuff especially when you’re breast feeding - but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do anything.

He should absolutely watch the kids whilst you take a shower.

You need to communicate this to him now and explain that in the mornings you need him to watch them whilst you jump in the shower.

You need to tell him exactly what you’ve said on here.

It’s not so much you want the childcare 50/50 as he does a lot of other things but that doesn’t mean he gets to stop being a dad.

What happened when your first was young and you needed a shower?
Did you say can you watch the baby so I can have a shower?

@user1477249785

In my experience, when no 2 arrives, you have to divide and conquer. He takes the toddler out while you cluster feed etc. I'd explain the expectations to him now. If he doesn't live up to them, then you should decamp to your parents. But give him a chance to step up first.

This.If you really don't think he'll step up you've only yourself to blame by having another child by him.

It sounds like he’s the kind of person who will only do a job if it’s clearly designated to him.

If you want any chance of not hating and resenting him massively in a few years time, having your second child has to be the time to reset his designated tasks. In other words he has to step up and do the bulk of parenting your toddler.

I wouldn’t take the new baby to your parents - cynically it gives your husband the excuse of why he hasn’t bonded with the baby (or fed it, or changed its nappy, etc) a few months down the line. But if your parents are close enough I’d be tempted to go there for 12 hours or whatever some days with the baby do he has no choice but to step up and care for your toddler.

You need to give him a chance to prove himself. This might be the time that he does step up and really bonds with your older child. This was the case when my second child was born - DP and DC1 became a tight little team - and from what my mum has told me, it was the same for me and my dad when my younger sibling was born.
By decamping to your parents' house, you're robbing him of this formative time in the development of family relationships and really setting the tone for the future.

I'd give him a chance. But only by having very clear expectations laid out...... DH always functioned better if he had a list to work from.

And if he lets you all down, then go off to your parents.

But I wouldn't give him the opportunity to shirk his responsibilities.

How far away do your DPs live ?
Why not weeks rather than months?

What is the fucking point of him though ?
Doesn't want to parent, you had to get a nanny in last time just to have 5mins to yourself. You are the higher earning person yet juggling all childcare and admin.
I'd go to your parents and tell him to get out when you are ready to return.

If you leave for a few months that will most likely be game over and you being a single parent long term.
He's got no way to learn to parent his family if his family isn't there, and while he's not adequately parenting, he is carrying other areas of domestic load so is not a complete cocklodger who only makes life harder.

He needs to take his paternity leave allowence. Factoring in a week or two's rest with parents around paternity leave is a reasonable consideration. By 4 weeks, most mothers, unless it's been a particularly difficult birth, are feeling more human.

Leaving for a few months would be highly disruptive for DD on top of adjusting to a baby which can knock their sense of thd world for a little while anyway.

Generally mothers (esp if BFing) will focus more on the newborn and fathers will pick up more slack for the older siblings because their needs can be met more equitably.

Ultimately it's up to OP if it's a LTB situation, but going away for months is more than likely a LTB move and could easily backfire and make it easy for him to look hard done by while OP has to do all the parenting and domestic load herself which defeats the objective at this point.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it

I agree with this. Seems really strange to have to stay with mummy and daddy for months on end.
It also won't change anything between you and you'll end up no better off 🤷‍♀️

@user1477249785

In my experience, when no 2 arrives, you have to divide and conquer. He takes the toddler out while you cluster feed etc. I'd explain the expectations to him now. If he doesn't live up to them, then you should decamp to your parents. But give him a chance to step up first.

Yup. My DH took the toddler and I got the baby. When it’s both of us it’s still usually the same.

I didn't find having another baby twice the work. You just get on with doing the same play groups etc with the oldest and the baby fits in.

Get them both into a routine. If he is cooking and cleaning the house then you only have to look after the dcs. Tell him he'll need to take the toddler out to the park or softplay or what to give you a break. Plenty of dads are out at work for long days and the mother manage fine.

OP honestly you need to tell him make clear if he is taking 2 weeks off, because you have a ton of planning to do re: baby and toddler care depending on his answer. You need to plan. He can't just arse around not making his mind up. That's bloody awful behaviour.

Then you need to tell him how much more help he needs to do and if he isn't prepared to do anything (which is terrible) then how the hell is he planning on you and the kids getting through the next few months? In which case he should be bloody happy you're prepared to inconvenience yourself by decamping to a entirely different household just to get a bit of bloody support in looking after a newborn.

Sorry OP he sounds really awful.

Bit late now, but why on earth would you have a second child with a man who does sweet fa for the first?

I don’t think running away to your parents is the answer, I think sorting your husband out is what you have to do. You’ve had an entire pregnancy to offload toddler tasks on to him. If he’s not prepared to get involved I’d be seriously rethinking your future.

I think you need to set out what you need him to do and give him one chance to do it, if he doesn't, I think you should go to your parents and then start divorce proceedings - because he's not wrong in that way, it is you basically checking out of the relationship, but just not sure that's the wrong decision.

When I was on mat leave with DS2: we continued to split the housework 50:50 as before; DH did all the mornings with DS1 and dropped him off at nursery 3 days a week- DS1 used to wake at 5/6am; I did all the night wakings with DS2 as EBF; I did all the nursery pick ups; we both got 20 mins child free first thing in the morning to shower etc.

Of course, I could have done everything if I had had to but I don't think it's unreasonable for the person you married and procreated with to support you

What is the return to work plan?

@CJsGoldfish

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it

I agree with this. Seems really strange to have to stay with mummy and daddy for months on end.
It also won't change anything between you and you'll end up no better off 🤷‍♀️

This is really nasty and also it is no longer 1950. Having basic expectations of the father to actually parent is a healthy thing, not something you should crap all over the OP for. Also of course OP may need some serious support. There can be a lot of birth complications, PND, a toddler distressed at a new arrival, etc, it's completely normal to have family around to help and share the load (normally what the father should do, but obviously in this case he can't be bothered).

Yes, leave him. He sounds useless and empty promises mean nothing. Tell him if he changes before you have the baby and starts doing 50% with your daughter, you'll change your mind. I always wonder if these sorts of posts are for real. I hope they're fake, but fear they're not and women really do put up with this kind of shit.

I don't know how common this is but I actually was not particularly in need of support in the first few weeks - breastfeeding was easy for us, my newborn was extremely happy in the sling while I did the usual things with DS1 - the main thing I needed was for DH to do the early starts with DS1 as he woke at 5/6am and DS2 woke every hour or two so I would not have been functioning if I had been doing both.

The stage I found a lot harder was when DS2 was mobile but DS1 was only 3 still so still needed a lot of supervision

"They are his children too - whether he is hands or not he deserves to be around his children."

Op is not his live in nanny.

@redhillrovers when you say he does house work and cooking do you mean YOU do all the child care and HE does all of the house work / making dinner every night?

Or is it a case of he washes up now and again and runs the hoover round?

This late in the day if he won’t even commit to the fortnight’s paternity leave I would definitely plan to stay with your parents, but go before the baby is born so your toddler is well settled in before baby comes. It is absolutely not normal for one person to have to do everything for newborn and toddler. It’s really sad that this is the case for some people but it doesn’t make it normal. No wonder cases of PND are so high in this country. My DH was working very long hours when my second was born but I had plenty of paid help, who helped by playing with the toddler when I was with the baby then looked after the baby so I could have time with the toddler. It’s not right to expect a new mother to do everything for both children

Go. I stayed with mine after both my pregnancies. It was lovely to be looked after by my mum.

@redhillrovers just make him start now. It's not going to miraculously happen when DC2 comes along. If he still can't step up and be a father then he can't moan when you go to your parents' house and honestly you'd be utterly justified in just never coming back.

Honestly though, START NOW. Think of it as trying to save your marriage before bitterness and resentment kills it...

[quote Hmum0fthree]@redhillrovers when you say he does house work and cooking do you mean YOU do all the child care and HE does all of the house work / making dinner every night?

Or is it a case of he washes up now and again and runs the hoover round?[/quote]
He does a lot of the cooking of meals and cleaning. I whip the hoover around, clean up and also do chores where I can, but I am doing do heavily pregnant and running after a toddler, so the only time I get to do these things is the weekend when she naps, and thats only for an hour and a half. I'm 37 weeks now so as you can imagine, I try and take a nap when DD does.

So yeah, he does more of the household stuff, not denying it. But I do cook dinners three or four nights a week when DH goes to the gym in the evening. I haven't set foot in a fitness class, mainly on account of working, looking after DD and being pregnant and sick for most of it 😖