To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

My sister and her partner had a good routine when their children were growing up - they would take in turns doing childcare for the day getting them dressed, playing with them, homework, bathing them, putting them to bed etc. Whilst the other parent did all the cooking, cleaning etc.
Then the next day they would swap so they both had an equal share with everything and there was no arguments about who should do what and when.

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised

This

YABU to have another child with a man who does absolutely nothing for your existing child.

My thoughts are that you know the immediate period after giving birth is going to be hard and based in previous behaviour you won’t get support you need, so looks like going to your parents is best solution.

It will also have benefit of putting your husband in position where he either steps up or steps down. You can then react to that.

You need to put yourself and the kids first. Marriage second. Trust me from harsh experience, you’ll half kill yourself trying to manage it all.

One step at a time and enjoy those newborn snuggles 🥰

Call me crazy, but are you going to sit down and have a proper discussion with him? If he already does all cooking and cleaning, what else do you want him to do? And don’t accept this bollocks about him not wanting prescriptive tasks. How else can you split chores?

@WonderfulYou

My sister and her partner had a good routine when their children were growing up - they would take in turns doing childcare for the day getting them dressed, playing with them, homework, bathing them, putting them to bed etc. Whilst the other parent did all the cooking, cleaning etc. Then the next day they would swap so they both had an equal share with everything and there was no arguments about who should do what and when.

Neither worked?

[quote CaliforniaDrumming]@HELLITHURT as has been repeated on here many times, he does all the cooking, cleaning and everything else. He also works. I find it odd that he does not look after the toddler. Something going on here and as OP hasn;t been back, we don't know what it is.[/quote]
He does do what he calls a "division of labour", I think at first obviously bed time was down to me with the first one. After all she cluster fed like a demon so I didn't leave her nursery for hours.

And he's always been good with housework, neat and tidy, and he works. Though, like I said I am the earner in the house earning more and I did take a very short mat leave last time and am likely to do the same again, despite the intent being I have a year, I don't see it happening given I have saved up for it, the funds will likely run out by the eight month mark.

On the working front, last time we hired a nanny and that was the only way I got to even have a shower in the morning, was to wait for her to show up so I could hand the baby over and go and get ready.

We don't have a nanny now sadly and its not really an option again, if I had a nanny still I probably wouldn't be this worried, because I'd have support (albeit paid for)

but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

I will never understand why women just accept this from the father of their child 🤯

If he wants you to stay then he needs to commit to taking two weeks paternity leave.
Plus another week of annual leave.

I would plan to go to your parents for the first week after the birth so you can be looked after and recover.
Leave the toddler and DH at home - he can have a crash course in parenting and do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare for that week.

I'd come back home for week two only if the house is clean, the fridge is stocked up and he is ready to continue with all the care for your toddler for the next two weeks.
If he can step up for those two weeks he is off and allow you to recover then you will stay.
If he fucks up those two weeks then move out with the kids and go back to your parents.

@SleeplessInEngland

This thread is classic LTB hysteria. OP says he was uselss with the first child as a baby but helped with everything else around the house, is better with her now, and has said he'll be better when they're both here.

So of course in Mumsnet-land that means he's the worst human in the world and she should never see him again.

He has NEVER given his existing child a bath or put her to bed. Never. It isn’t LTB hysteria. It’s having the most basic expectations of fatherhood.

@BeeDavis

but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

I will never understand why women just accept this from the father of their child 🤯

Same. Crazy.

@CaliforniaDrumming

I would go to my parents. But you still have a DH problem. Which you will have to sort when you return. If you earn the larger salary he should be doing far, far more.

Now this is an interesting comment. You never hear a woman told this when her husband is the higher earner on MN. 😂

He sounds really controlling and like he wants you to be stressed and on edge. Can’t commit to 2 weeks off when baby arrives. Wants his “help” to be non- prescriptive.

Is he like this in other aspects of life?

Put yourself and your DC first. He is putting himself first. So the marriage is already under stress because of his actions and attitude. All you are doing is responding to that.

@PlainJaneEyre but you also never hear a woman on here who does less than half the childcare and is the lower earner.
Any woman on here who admitted to never feeding, bathing or putting their kids to bed would be told they had to do far, far more regardless of whether they were the lower or higher earner.

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised

Sorry I have to agree with this. Mumsnet is full of women complaining about their useless partners/husbands but then go on to have multiple children with them, and these can't all be contraception failures.

OP can your parents come and stay with you instead? You are giving your partner a free pass to become even more useless.

I'm not clear how much of the cooking, cleaning and other stuff he did. If he did it all plus working while you weren't working that doesn't sound awful to me, if he did say half plus working when you were back at work not so great.

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised

Helpful

OP with your update there is something seriously wrong here. No dad refuses to hold his baby for 15 min while you shower but happily spends hours cooking and cleaning. Most prefer to bathe the kids rather than push a hoover around. Is he quite well? Not that it is your job to heal him.

Do it, go to your parents.
You and the children and establishing feeding are the most important.
You’ll either realise you actually don’t miss him and start divorce proceedings and you’ll get your time off when he has custody access, or you’ll miss him and it will shock him into realising what he will lose if he doesn’t stop up. How can someone expect another parent to do all the bedtime and child care and be equal? I guess he’s best friends with my in-laws though!

Why don't you give him a weeks 'trial'. If he's in any way useless revert back to plan A.

Neither worked?

Yes they both worked FT.

@thebabynanny

If he wants you to stay then he needs to commit to taking two weeks paternity leave. Plus another week of annual leave.

I would plan to go to your parents for the first week after the birth so you can be looked after and recover.
Leave the toddler and DH at home - he can have a crash course in parenting and do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare for that week.

I'd come back home for week two only if the house is clean, the fridge is stocked up and he is ready to continue with all the care for your toddler for the next two weeks.
If he can step up for those two weeks he is off and allow you to recover then you will stay.
If he fucks up those two weeks then move out with the kids and go back to your parents.

I wouldn't leave the toddler to be honest with you. I think it can be hard for a toddler to adjust to all the changes with a new baby. Mum clearing off with the new baby isn't going to help with that.

To be clear though the OP isn't talking about a week or even 3, she's talking about months.

I am a little confused but are you saying he'll do lots of stuff.... as long as it's not child related? I mean, when baby is here, of course he should do all the cooking and cleaning, especially in first few weeks. He should also take charge of the toddler. IN particular at bed time. The reality is that two children means more work. For both of you. And if he's unable to see that, then sure, go to your parents house.... but yes, you WOULD be leaving him. I don't think you can come back from that and you'd be removing any incentive for him to bond with or spend time with either child.

DH didn't clean or cook either and d were entirely my responsibility and that was fine he worked his socks off outside the house and I was happy to facilitate. If I had been the harder worker/higher earner and he still did sweet fa then I wouldn't have married him and procreated in the first place.
He paid for an au-pair when DC were tiny.

You chose two children, you need to juggle those two children not off load half the work to your parents. It’s your husbands responsibility, but you said you knew what he was like before you conceived the second baby, sorry but why the hell have you had another child?

So he's a terrible father to your first, but you went ahead and got pregnant again so a second child could have a useless dissociated father too?

What on earth were you both thinking!? Regardless of the second being a surprise after IVF, you should have guarded against this happening. Poor kids.

So because this man refuses to parent (NOT help), the responsibility for raising these kids is being outsourced to your parents.

What a mess.