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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
Jollypots · 12/04/2022 10:51

Does he work? If so, I think you are unreasonable to expect more than help with cooking and cleaning

RichTeaRichTea · 12/04/2022 10:55

“ I didn't find having another baby twice the work. You just get on with doing the same play groups etc with the oldest and the baby fits in. ”

I wish I hadn’t had my second in lockdown, this sounds much easier than my experience.

NameChange30 · 12/04/2022 10:56

@Chloemol

I would sit him down and ask him 1, to confirm he had arranged to have time off when the baby is born 2, that he confirms what tasks he will be doing, including looking after both children to give you some time
  1. What he plans to commit to once he goes back to work

Then as long as you are happy with the responses he gets one chance. The first time he goes back on what’s been agreed you go to your parents for the help he can’t provide

This
Lovemusic33 · 12/04/2022 10:57

I think you need to give him a chance, he may surprise you and step up? I think it’s easy for a man to assume that the woman wants to do the majority of the care for a newborn, especially if your breast feeding. He needs to step up and look after your other dc whilst your feeding and caring for the newborn. You need to explain this too him, if he doesn’t step up your moving to your parents.

Horst · 12/04/2022 10:58

I mean he could improve but he doesn’t sound terrible to be honest. You just sound rather unhappy that everything you do is pregnancy/toddler related while he gets to do the no. Child stuff even if it is washing up.

Get the paternity leave sorted, maybe he could drop one night at the gym and you could do something that evening or one of the evenings he doesn’t go anyway. Not sure napping is going to be helping how you feel too much always makes me feel like poo after. But honestly it’s a second baby they kind have to become part of what already works unlike the pfb who sets the routine the next ones find their place in the existing.

If you other was older you’d be out doing the school run at a couple of weeks postpartum.

NameChange30 · 12/04/2022 11:02

"I do cook dinners three or four nights a week when DH goes to the gym in the evening. I haven't set foot in a fitness class, mainly on account of working, looking after DD and being pregnant and sick for most of it"

What?
Why on earth have you been enabling this?
Have you actually told him that it's unacceptable for him to go to the gym 3-4 nights a week when you don't have any time to yourself at all? Or are you waiting for him to work that out by himself? If so you'll be waiting a long time by the sounds of it.
I can't quite work out what's going on here... he is responsible for his selfish behaviour but equally you sound like a bit of a doormat / martyr, I don't understand why you are still doing so much and haven't put your foot down or left already.

Goldbar · 12/04/2022 11:08

@Jollypots

Does he work? If so, I think you are unreasonable to expect more than help with cooking and cleaning
If they both take this attitude, who on earth is going to look after the children when the OP goes back to work Confused? Surely the OP will be entitled just to 'help' a bit with cooking and cleaning as well on that logic. So who is going to look after the children?

Start as you mean to go on. Maternity leave is just a blip in time and then you have two working parents who have to share the parenting load equally. May as well set a fair division of labour from the start.

tkwal · 12/04/2022 11:09

Am I understanding this correctly ? He's offering non proscriptive help only ?in other words he will do what he wants when or if he chooses to do it? He's as much use as a chocolate fireguard. You need to think about what the rest of your life will look like if you stay with him. To me it sounds like he wants a housekeeper with benefits rather than a partner. However, I kind of understand why he hasn't confirmed paternity leave yet since babies rarely arrive on schedule. In normal circumstances I'd say he was trying to have as much time with you and the baby as possible but for him it's probably so he can claim its not possible to book leave until a more convenient time.....like when the baby starts school

Classicblunder · 12/04/2022 11:11

@Jollypots

Does he work? If so, I think you are unreasonable to expect more than help with cooking and cleaning
Grin We both work so I guess we can both just cook and clean and our kids will just have to fend for themselves.

Did you miss that the OP outearns her DH anyway? And that he literally has never bathed or fed their DD a meal?

Thehundredthnamechange · 12/04/2022 11:14

"He does a lot of the cooking of meals and cleaning. I whip the hoover around, clean up and also do chores where I can, but I am doing do heavily pregnant and running after a toddler, so the only time I get to do these things is the weekend when she naps, and thats only for an hour and a half. I'm 37 weeks now so as you can imagine, I try and take a nap when DD does.

So yeah, he does more of the household stuff, not denying it. But I do cook dinners three or four nights a week when DH goes to the gym in the evening. I haven't set foot in a fitness class, mainly on account of working, looking after DD and being pregnant and sick for most of it 😖"

I will probably get flamed for this, but having read this post, I'm not seeing the problem to be honest? He does not only some but MOST of the cooking and cleaning? He works, I assume, and you take care of the toddler and chip in a little bit with cleaning? I think this is a very normal set up and division of labour - in fact better than normal if Mumsnet is anything to go by, as on MN most father's do absolutely nothing. I personally think you'd be really unreasonable to remove his child and newborn baby from the house and move in with your parents. You basically ARE leaving him! I had a toddler and a newborn and breastfed and cooked and cleaned while my husband was at work, it really wasn't especially difficult and I'm no domestic goddess! I'm not sure what else you want him to do in terms of your division of work? He seems to be doing just fine and has said he will do more. I think you need to give him a chance at least before you remove yourself and your children and leave him? Very very drastic measures for not much reason if this last post is anything to go by.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/04/2022 11:15

Whilst you work does your DD go to nursery? If so I would keep this going bit i wouldn’t want to move out my house

NorthSouthcatlady · 12/04/2022 11:15

He needs to step up. It’s all well and good getting your retired parents to do the stuff he should be doing. But long term it will enable and normalise his laziness and selfishness. You need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Thehundredthnamechange · 12/04/2022 11:16

(even taking into account when you're not on maternity leave and are working too, I really don't think it's that weird or bad for one parent to be more hands on with childcare while the other takes care of the cleaning and cooking?)

Cleothecat75 · 12/04/2022 11:20

I think he needs to prove now that he will step up and parent when the baby is born. Some kind of regular task, that he does with dd each day. Eg Dh used to bath dd and I put her to bed. If he couldn’t do that, I’d be off. There’s no point in waiting till the baby arrives as If she is already clingy to you, it will be such an alien concept for her to accept help from Her dad That you will end up doing everything anyway. She needs to adapt to help from her dad before she has to accept sharing you with the baby.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/04/2022 11:20

I don't see how he's doing 'most' of the meals when OP has said she cooks 3-4 dinners a week while he goes to the gym. She's doing around half if not more. This makes me doubtful that his contribution really is that great.

Blossomtoes · 12/04/2022 11:20

I personally think you'd be really unreasonable to remove his child and newborn baby from the house and move in with your parents. You basically ARE leaving him!

No she’s not. Would she be leaving him if she spent a week in hospital post birth like we used to in the days of excellent maternity care? Fuck him. He’s useless and her parents will pamper her and spoil her older child. It’s better all round, I bet he won’t object.

2bazookas · 12/04/2022 11:35

You and your husband are grown adults and both need to take full responsibility for each other and the children you have created.

This is not your parents responsibility .

Goldbar · 12/04/2022 11:43

@Thehundredthnamechange

(even taking into account when you're not on maternity leave and are working too, I really don't think it's that weird or bad for one parent to be more hands on with childcare while the other takes care of the cleaning and cooking?)
Not if both parents aren't happy with this arrangement. Personally, I love having some quiet time to cook or tidy while DH deals with our DC. How is he going to build a relationship with them if he never spends any time with them?
ancientgran · 12/04/2022 11:44

@Blossomtoes

I personally think you'd be really unreasonable to remove his child and newborn baby from the house and move in with your parents. You basically ARE leaving him!

No she’s not. Would she be leaving him if she spent a week in hospital post birth like we used to in the days of excellent maternity care? Fuck him. He’s useless and her parents will pamper her and spoil her older child. It’s better all round, I bet he won’t object.

I think you are right if we are talking about a week but the OP is talking about a few months which is quite different.
ancientgran · 12/04/2022 11:45

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I don't see how he's doing 'most' of the meals when OP has said she cooks 3-4 dinners a week while he goes to the gym. She's doing around half if not more. This makes me doubtful that his contribution really is that great.
You're right if you only have one meal a day, we tend to have 3 in my house.
Hmum0fthree · 12/04/2022 12:02

It's totally up to you, id set some rules for when the baby is here and see if he steps up, the second he starts to flake on his duty's go to your parents, even if he just did bath and bed time with DD it would be a big help as thats when you will feel the strain of 2DC the most.

TheCatterall · 12/04/2022 12:06

Tell him the ‘do more’ starts now to show he is capable as he hasn’t shown the willing nor oomph in the past.

If he can’t start being more hands on with his existing child - then I’d be making plans to stay with parents.

If he feels like you are leaving him - the only reason that’s happening lies with him. The power to sort it out lies with him. He knows the issue.

If you don’t put your foot down now about his involvement with his children - it’s hardly likely to magically change the minute you give birth.

Good luck!

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 12:12

[quote redhillrovers]@workingmomlife I had four months of time off, no mat leave as we moved to UK when I was pregnant and had to leave my job. Right job with right pay came up and I basically needed to take it.

Def not a stay at home parent, I earn the larger salary. I was planning on having a year off this time though. So yes I agree that while on mat leave I should be doing more of the child stuff what I'm worried about is that he won't commit if he's even having two weeks off or not, and worried about the past behaviour when I came off mat leave. Coupled with the additional toddler, worried I'll have even less support. [/quote]
You're really not explaining the point of him

Robinni · 12/04/2022 12:18

Sounds to me your DH doing a lot of the housework and cooking and working full time, while you look after the children is a pretty fair distribution of responsibility.

While it may be daunting thinking of not having a nanny this time around, the majority of people have to cope without this luxury. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.

Pyewhacket · 12/04/2022 12:23

I think you are right if we are talking about a week but the OP is talking about a few months which is quite different.

I agree. Depends how much you value your marriage.