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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 12/04/2022 09:04

I think that yabu to effectively move out. St the end of the day, beyond the odd bit of holding and possibly nappy, babies that are breastfeeding are predominantly with their mother.

What utter nonsense! Still, if breastfeeding babies are predominantly the responsibility of the mother, then there's nothing to stop the OP choosing where she does her parenting, is there? Since her partner isn't really going to be involved anyway.

I'm with your husband, you are abandoning him. He needs to step up with the toddler a bit but you are making heavy weather of it, second babies are so much easier because you know what you are doing. I had no help and exh worked 11 hour days 6 days a week, it really was ok

'Abandon'? He's not some helpless puppy or kitten. He's a grown man, he'll survive. Especially given that he abandoned the OP first by not stepping up and parenting. And if she's 'making heavy weather of it' because it's really all so easy, then why won't he commit to helping and doing more?

Once again, some people's standards for fathers are in the gutter Hmm.

Go, OP, go. And think very hard about whether you want to go back again.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 12/04/2022 09:05

Go to your parents, where you will be supported. Before you do that, sit him down and make it very clear why this is necessary. He either steps up or not.

Why have another child with this useless man? Who fucking cares if he does dine housework if he is such a crap father that he can't even cook his daughter a meal.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 12/04/2022 09:07

@Guineapigssweak

Your manage you have to. I had 18 months between my two and managed well enough without rou d the clock help. The dad's need to work to pay the bills so just get on with it instead of complaining. So many young mother's moan and groan these days about having to raise their own children. Honestly being a little tired won't harm you.
Hi, the 1950s called asking what time you will be back.
SleeplessInEngland · 12/04/2022 09:08

This thread is classic LTB hysteria. OP says he was uselss with the first child as a baby but helped with everything else around the house, is better with her now, and has said he'll be better when they're both here.

So of course in Mumsnet-land that means he's the worst human in the world and she should never see him again.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/04/2022 09:09

YANBU to leave

YWBU to return

He can't be arsed can he. He should already be doing bedtimes etc with your toddler - he is their father ffs.

He can't even commit to booking 2 weeks of work for the arrival of your new baby.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 12/04/2022 09:10

@noglassjustthebottleandastraw GrinGrin

getsomehelp · 12/04/2022 09:10

If you leave for a few months, do you expect him to come & visit you? You are also removing his toddler.
Do you expect to be able to unilaterally decide to go home when it gets easier.. ? just rock up with a 2, 3, 4 month old & a toddler & hope to slot back in as you were?
He wont even know this baby, & you will want him to bond.
I think most mothers do do the Lionesses share, there are some very hands on partners, but if you are on maternity leave, its IMHO, going to be mostly your job.

In the kindest possible way, I think you are being a bit of a princess, & if you do take off to your parents for months, you are probably ending your marriage.

SoItWas · 12/04/2022 09:13

Is there any way your mother could come to you for a few days instead, to help out and lead by example? When she leaves, if dh still doesn't "get it", after a few weeks, and you find yourself needing additional support; you can ask to visit at that point?

I agree with giving him every warning/opportunity to step up, and see how it goes, but have back up support in place.

Where are his family in all this?

Who'll be minding your toddler, when you go in to labour? Who do you want in with you, if you're allowed a birth partner? That could be the main reason your mum comes to stay, to either stay with older dc, or to go in with you, and while she's there, she may as well stay a few days extra...

Heronwatcher · 12/04/2022 09:15

YABU. Do it if that’s what it takes to survive, but how an earth has it got to this stage? It’s like reading something from the 1950s! Unless you want exactly the same pattern to repeat itself with your second child you need to get him involved FROM DAY ONE! None of this prescriptive bollocks. Stop being the default carer and stand up for yourself. Think repeated tedious “lessons” in nappy changing, dressing, bathing, snacks, bathtime etc until he starts fucking well doing it properly for himself without being asked. I suspect going to your parents will merely delay the inevitable (a divorce) otherwise.

CheekySwifter · 12/04/2022 09:15

I think you'll find it very difficult to leave your parents if you go there. What would you have to come back for really?

WaterBottle123 · 12/04/2022 09:15

He won't change just through a conversation. I'd go to your parents, teach him a lesson. That might change him.

'Non prescriptive' - what an absolutely self indulgent naval gazing bellend...

incognitoforthisone · 12/04/2022 09:15

DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children"

I mean, that doesn't sound like a bad idea...

Hillarious · 12/04/2022 09:17

Having children is a big learning curve. If he's not on that curve with you, he'll be well and truly left behind. Going off to your parents would mean he's never on board when it comes to looking after the children. If you're lucky enough again to be able to breastfeed, he'll need to step in to do naptime, bath time, tea time whilst you're pinned to the sofa feeding. I was fortunate that feeding times for DC3 coincided with The Archers, so I could listen to that in peace. A baby asleep at the breast looks pretty much the same as a baby that's still feeding, so you can easily eek out the time to suit while he gets on with the tasks that only become prescriptive when you're asking for them there and then.

Gizacluethen · 12/04/2022 09:23

When do you want to leave? I'd give him until then to step up and prove to you he's capable of looking after his family.

Robinni · 12/04/2022 09:24

Hi OP,

Reading quite a lot of hatred towards your partner.

From what I went through with breast feeding there was a limited amount my partner could do as the baby was almost constantly attached to me. And my partner worked 12 hour shifts at the time coming home at 8-10pm at night at which point the cluster feeding was going on (5pm-2am daily…) by 5pm most days I was exhausted and I had zero family support expect for a 4 hour session weekly which I used to clean the house!!

By contrast many of my friends who breastfed had oodles of support, people calling in all the time. One had both her parents move in for 3 months, another had her mother come to stay for 6 weeks, another had a doula as she’s American and apparently it’s the done thing.

Anyway if you are so lucky as to have parents who would give you round the clock support at this time with both your young children while your husband is at work I would highly recommend you take it. Much preferable to being alone and isolated for 8+ hour stretches. If bottle feeding it isn’t so bad and you can share the responsibility, but with breast take all the support you can get!

headspin10 · 12/04/2022 09:24

@Donkeyinamanger

It seems fairly straightforward then. If he wants you and the DC to stay with him then he needs to really step up and be a decent husband and father. How close are your parents? Can you give him a chance but go to your parents if he doesn't support you once the baby has arrived?

This is good advice.

I definitely found with no.3 my partner just had no choice but to do more as it's just not logistically possible for me to do what I was before. Hopefully you will find this too. But, saying that, don't sacrifice your own needs before that, as I did.

I agree with the idea of giving him a chance to step up first. Hope it all goes well for you.

FedUpthenaBitmore · 12/04/2022 09:25

I’d be seriously reassessing the relationship and looking if I could afford a cleaner and babysitter short term and staying at home

Skyeheather · 12/04/2022 09:26

[quote CaliforniaDrumming]@HELLITHURT as has been repeated on here many times, he does all the cooking, cleaning and everything else. He also works. I find it odd that he does not look after the toddler. Something going on here and as OP hasn;t been back, we don't know what it is.[/quote]
I agree, he doesn't sound that "lazy" to me. I think OP thinks it's going to be harder to look after two than it is, you change their nappies at the same time, bath them at the same time in the same bath, tuck the toddler into bed and read the bedtime story while feeding the newborn. Get a sling so you can wear baby while doing other tasks, newborns sleep a lot..... Women everywhere manage 2/3 children on a daily basis, if it was impossible more people would stick to one.

Maybe OP's DM/DF could pop round during the day and take the toddler out for a couple of hours/play with toddler/help out for a few weeks until OP gets the hang of things.

Lalliella · 12/04/2022 09:26

@Chloemol

I would sit him down and ask him 1, to confirm he had arranged to have time off when the baby is born 2, that he confirms what tasks he will be doing, including looking after both children to give you some time
  1. What he plans to commit to once he goes back to work

Then as long as you are happy with the responses he gets one chance. The first time he goes back on what’s been agreed you go to your parents for the help he can’t provide

This is good advice.
WonderfulYou · 12/04/2022 09:27

It is not fair on your parents to replace the work your husband and the person you’ve chosen to have a child with, should be doing.

They’ve had their children.
I’m sure they’d love to be involved but you’re going there for completely the wrong reasons.

Your DH doesn’t do much so your response is to take even more responsibility away from him - he shouldn’t have a choice. The child is half his and therefore he needs to do half of the work.

I’m sorry OP but you’ve made your bed so now you have to lie in it.
You chose to have a second child with this man and it’s up to you both to sort it out. It’s no one else’s responsibility.

Doggydoodah123 · 12/04/2022 09:28

YABU to have made the decision to to another child by a man who doesn't even help look after the one you've got.

icanonlydosomuch · 12/04/2022 09:29

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like he's doing everything else to enable you to spend time with your baby!

That doesn't sound so bad to me!

Doggydoodah123 · 12/04/2022 09:29

*to have

nitsandwormsdodger · 12/04/2022 09:30

You shouldn’t go to your parents as your marriage is in the rocks and all it will do is Delay the inevitable, can they come to you on a daily basis for few hours to give you a break?

caringcarer · 12/04/2022 09:30

Why not go to your parents for 2 weeks then go back and your DH have 2 weeks off then. If he does not step up and help just go back to your parents.