To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

[redhillrovers]

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

My parents would be supportive and probably thrilled to have their grandchildren in the house all the time

Are you sure about this. I've a number of friends who love their grandchildren but have had enough after a few hours. They would never admit that to their family though!

i thinkif you decide to stay at home i think the both of you will be doing a mix of household tasks/baby/toddler tasks,it may infact be a positive as the first couple of weeks will be a learning curve for you all and you would have to work as a team

You really need to have a serious conversation with your partner.

To decamp to your parents will put a strain on your relationship and why would you want to remove your children from their father? It's not fair.

I am your parents age. I'd never tell my children that they weren't welcome but the very thought that they'd move back with a baby and toddler makes me shudder.

Come on op. You know it's not normal. Very damaging for your kids to have so little interaction from their dad, and damaging for you too.

@ButtockUp

You really need to have a serious conversation with your partner.

To decamp to your parents will put a strain on your relationship and why would you want to remove your children from their father? It's not fair.

I am your parents age. I'd never tell my children that they weren't welcome but the very thought that they'd move back with a baby and toddler makes me shudder.

Have you even read the thread??

Having basic expectations of the father to actually parent is a healthy thing, not something you should crap all over the OP for
Really? I'm pretty sure everyone on this thread believes the father should be parenting his children. Talk about missing the point. 🤷‍♀️

Threatening to run off to mummy and daddy, or even actually doing so isn't going to change him. Surely putting on the big girl pants and just getting on with it is the better option. If he chooses not to step up then he can leave. The parents can surely come and help on occasion if it gets too much. Deciding it's all too hard before the fact seems a bit crazy.

I'm confused as to why you've had a second child with him when he clearly doesn't care about you or your toddler? I'd have decamped about 18 months ago and certainly wouldn't have been around to get pregnant a second time. Move to your parents, just don't go back. It won't be any different second time around, I guarantee it

Hi op, go to yr parents. Whatever else transpires do that. Do explain in great detail why you are going. Do not be afraid to criticise yr partner. He is a grown up and not a wilting flower. Do not be afraid of expressing yr anger if that is how you feel. He does minimum. Like others say, it’s not about ‘helping you’ it’s about taking part in being a parent, that you both have actively sought to have children, just means it’s even more unfair that he’s not stepping up.

@Tessabelle74

I'm confused as to why you've had a second child with him when he clearly doesn't care about you or your toddler? I'd have decamped about 18 months ago and certainly wouldn't have been around to get pregnant a second time. Move to your parents, just don't go back. It won't be any different second time around, I guarantee it

The OP has explained...

I think the trouble is that you’re sending the message to him that it’s acceptable for you to take on all of the childcare and that he can just be excused from his responsibilities. Stay, make him step up - if he doesn’t do it now after the birth of his second child and when his first child needs him more then when?

@Graphista

Why on earth did you have a 2nd child with him without resolving this first?

There are so many similar threads on mn and I don't understand why women put up with this crap!

If he wants to convince you that you will get the support you NEED that your (JOINT) dc will be cared for by him as well as you he needs to do that NOW

You're 36 Weeks along you should be hardly doing anything!

Time he grew the fuck up and stopped being a lazy half arsed dad or chances are resentment WILL kick in and you will be leaving with the kids permanently and I think you should tell him this!

I ebf dd until she was almost 10 months my ex is a lot of things a lazy arse isn't one of them! He did loads with baby dd and did HIS SHARE of housework and mental load etc (note share NOT "help" it's not your job he's "helping" with - his home and children too!)

you getting that support from your parents shows the world just exactly who he is.

Yep!

Time to read him the riot act actually - and mean it!

Selfish bastard!

This!!! So many women on here enabling this "Babysitters Club of Dad's" culture!

They aren't babysitters, they are the other parent! There are two of you! They helped make/adopt this child!

Stop enabling him to be someone who just wants the perfect family story, dips his wick, does a bit of single man tasks and doesn't participate in the actual parenting!

At this point these women are just sperm banks for men to brag about. It's so sad, because they are just being used and abused.

Tell him to parent up or fudge off! It sounds like you don't need him anyway if he's not participating equally and you're doing everything.

Sit him down and ask him why he wants children if he's not prepared to raise them!?

This is not the 50's, you are not his Mother, you are not his keeper, you are his -equal-!

Drag him out in public and show him Dad's being parents!

Go to your parents, get yourself a sugar Daddy - Show him your booty can be lavished by someone else, you can raise his kids without him and leave him in the dust!

Let him read this thread! He sounds like a right tool!

YANBU
If your parents are up for it, do it.

All the posters berating you for letting him be an arse forget that you can't transform an unwilling man, and definitely not overnight.

Mine means well but he does that awful thing of "learned helplessness". It's embarrassing but I've given up.

It regularly brings me to the point of thinking about leaving but, on balance, our finances are easier this way, and I would still have to do all the housework and cooking as a single mum.

But be kind to yourself and go. You won't be in a position to fight that fight with a baby, a post-pregnancy body and a 2 year old to look after. 😔

@Nanny0gg she didn't get pregnant immediately after the birth if the first though did she? He showed how he felt about her and the baby so I wouldn't have been having sex with a man showing so little regard for me and our child, hence why I'm confused as to why OP was. My point stands, she should have left months ago and certainly should consider it as a permanent move now

Give him a chance. X

So, your husband and the father of your children cooks cleans and does other stuff. You exclusively breastfed baby number 1.

I only have sons, so reflecting on their relationships with their children I would say that they were so anxious and frightened dealing with tiny babies.

We as women need to allow our partners the chance to learn how to look after a baby, from day 1, at their pace. Could it be that he never got the chance in the early days and now thinks he can't do it, or can't do it to meet your expectations?

Don't go away. All you are going to do is reinforce your perceived uselessness of his parenting skills. Many women would be glad of a partner who cooks, cleans etc - sounds like you've got a good one there if you give him a chance.

@GrannyMack63 get back to the 50's! We no longer have to be grateful our men folk do the bare minimum of parenting! Your sons have been enabled to be useless, by you! Hopefully their partners have given them a quick kick up the arse and got them doing their fair share!

@mycatisannoying

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you are a grown woman. Unless you have medical issues, why would you need to go to your parents' for a few months after the birth of your second child? Apologies if I've missed something, but most of us just get on with it.

Because it’s hard and why not get support of it’s on offer? My friends from different cultures often have their mums come and stay for 6 months when they have a baby. It just seems to be us brits that want to grin and bear it. It takes a village to raise a child and all that . If I had the option of family help I’d jump at it!

Men are all different just as women are all different. My husband wasn't great with babies and toddlers and I was hurt and annoyed by this seeming rejection of our gorgeous children. BUT when they hit their teenage years he was absolutely brilliant. He was the one who talked to them about GCSEs and universities. He was the one who taught them to drive. He was an amazingly talented man in those areas that I found a real struggle. Isn't it at all possible that the man who only just tolerates babies and gives little support then becomes the father who is super talented at dealing with teenagers? Don't give up on him OP. He'll probably surprise you - just like my husband surprised me. And for goodness sake - ignore anyone who tells you to divorce him. They won't be around to support you as your children grow up. They won't be the ones to hold your hand when your child runs into a car and ends up having major surgery. They won't be the ones to ask leading questions at parents' evenings. He will.

@Snippysocks

Men are all different just as women are all different. My husband wasn't great with babies and toddlers and I was hurt and annoyed by this seeming rejection of our gorgeous children. BUT when they hit their teenage years he was absolutely brilliant. He was the one who talked to them about GCSEs and universities. He was the one who taught them to drive. He was an amazingly talented man in those areas that I found a real struggle. Isn't it at all possible that the man who only just tolerates babies and gives little support then becomes the father who is super talented at dealing with teenagers? Don't give up on him OP. He'll probably surprise you - just like my husband surprised me. And for goodness sake - ignore anyone who tells you to divorce him. They won't be around to support you as your children grow up. They won't be the ones to hold your hand when your child runs into a car and ends up having major surgery. They won't be the ones to ask leading questions at parents' evenings. He will.

Hilarious.

Yet mum's have deal with their children to the best of their abilities at all ages. We don't just get to shirk for 50% of our children's childhoods.

@Snippysocks

Men are all different just as women are all different. My husband wasn't great with babies and toddlers and I was hurt and annoyed by this seeming rejection of our gorgeous children. BUT when they hit their teenage years he was absolutely brilliant. He was the one who talked to them about GCSEs and universities. He was the one who taught them to drive. He was an amazingly talented man in those areas that I found a real struggle. Isn't it at all possible that the man who only just tolerates babies and gives little support then becomes the father who is super talented at dealing with teenagers? Don't give up on him OP. He'll probably surprise you - just like my husband surprised me. And for goodness sake - ignore anyone who tells you to divorce him. They won't be around to support you as your children grow up. They won't be the ones to hold your hand when your child runs into a car and ends up having major surgery. They won't be the ones to ask leading questions at parents' evenings. He will.

Just because you tolerated and excused your husband for opting out of years of your children's childhood doesn’t mean the OP should.

What so she’s supposed to put up with him not pulling his weight in what will be some of the toughest and exhausting years of parenting in the hope that he’s good at asking questions at parenting evening?!

(I’m wondering if this comment was posted by said husband)

If you both work FT and you do all the childcare, he needs to start doing all the housework.

Otherwise you're doing your share of the childcare, your share of the housework AND his share of the childcare. Why does he think that's a fair arrangement?

YANBU. Go to your parents. If you don't you might end up in a mother and baby unit which is where I was heading with baby #2. Thankfully I remarried and #3 was different. Even now, 10 years on my DH does the best he can with what he has and make sure I lay down, get a break and brings me copious amounts of coffee.
Now is not the time to make decisions on your marriage but for the sake of your MH and your children, go to your parents, get support and don't give a shit how people view him, that is one thing he can sort our himself.

No you need to tough it out and he needs to spend 121 time with eldest child so that they bond. Start now

You're partly to blame here and going off to parents is allowing him to get away with doing fuck all for his kids

Start afresh now before new baby arrives

Go where the support is, you shouldn’t have to ask DH to help. I had the support from my parents many years ago when I had my children, they’ve always had a fabulous relationship with my parents because they were so involved with them during the early years and it has continued through out their lives. My children are adults now and DH has had to work hard to build a relationship with them. It’s ok now and DH realises he made a mistake back then.

YANBU to go where the support is but also what kind of relationship is that and what precedent does it set going forward? You’ll come home and it’ll still all be your job.

Although I want to hope that your situation ends better than mine but I had a DH who didn’t help with either baby and by the time the youngest was 7 I said enough was enough and kicked him out because I did it all. If his only contribution was his wages then I would figure it out without him.