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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decamp to my parents after birth of second child for a few months without DH?

365 replies

redhillrovers · 12/04/2022 00:33

I'm about 4 weeks away from my due date, and I have a 2 year old DD.

The first time around DH was barely involved with DD's care. In fairness, he does clean, cook and help with everything else, but has literally never done a bedtime, naptime, or bathtime or made a dinner for our toddler.

When she was born I exclusively breastfed and it was all down to me to care for her, when I was at my lowest after so much lack of time for self care I asked him to help me more and he said he'd prefer the help to be non-prescriptive.

He helps a bit more now she's older but I am so worried because of how much I still do for our daughter, that my job will effectively double and the time I have to look after myself will be non existent.

I brought up the thought of my taking our newbown and DD to my parents for a few months (parents are supportive, retired) and DH said he feels like I'm "leaving him and taking the children", but honestly I think it'd only be for a few months while I establish breastfeeding, and have plenty of help with DD who obviously still is very all about mummy and clingy.

I told him I'm worried about how I'll cope and he said he would do more but I'm worried it's just a throw away line and he hasn't actually thought about or committed to much. He hasn't even confirmed if he's going to take two weeks off when the baby is born.

AIBU to go where I know the support is?

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 13/04/2022 20:17

What's his justification for never parenting his dd? Does he think it's fair that you do it all, if so, why?

Does he understand that you have to be 'proscriptive' when caring for dc, as they need the same things on repeat? Feeding, cleaning, changing, putting down for naps, playing, etc?

I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him when you want him home on paternity leave and say exactly what you want him to do when he's home. But I'd also get him to start doing 50% care for your dd now. She should be used to this by the time the new baby comes - bit late for that now, but he needs to get his finger out.

Honestly. He sounds totally shit and you might be better going to your parents and ending your marriage. Doesn't he understand that you're only planning this because he's being so useless??

Psychofortruth · 13/04/2022 20:21

UMMM... 1 she's 36 weeks pregnant and not dead - whomever wrote she should be doing next to nothing reality check. I went into labour in the town next door to my home, caught a bus, went to watch a movie with fried with labour pains.

Josieangel21 · 13/04/2022 20:58

My partner is austic, nor officially, worth thinking about, I think I'm ADHD. We love our family, but it gets very confusing designating responsibility. Our child is 14 and is beautiful but needs help, we are getting it. X

Pinzotti · 13/04/2022 21:02

Maybe bottle feed at night 🌃 ? He can do those ones?

Lovely13 · 13/04/2022 21:28

Would have given anything to have that level of grandparent support. Go for it. It’s exhausting with a newborn and another child. If partner can’t help, do what you need to do for you, sod him!

BananaSplitX · 13/04/2022 21:53

Yes, I would do exactly that. Go where you know you will have help and it will not be on you. I would do exactly the same. In fact I wish I had. I believe this is not the time to see how well/badly he’ll do, you have to think about yourself and the kids and ensure you have support. Good luck!!

wentworthinmate · 13/04/2022 21:54

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised
Absolutely ditto.
Brennanlady1888 · 13/04/2022 22:14

I think you ought to wait and see after the birth of baby 2 . He does help in many ways and you seem tocare for him.

toogoodforthisworld · 13/04/2022 22:43

@redhillrovers
As a grandma - I would welcome my daughter and children into our home - but I know that deep down I would feel quite angry towards my son in law for creating this environment and my daughter for either being too soft in not sticking up for herself or being too precious to crack on.

Also, I sometimes go and stay with my daughter and family - and I am a young grandma - and it almost kills me- I am exhausted after 5 days!!
You are taking away the chance for your husband to bond with no. 1 child. This is the moment when you give him control and let him create something special with her while you are busy with the baby.
And I agree with @mycatisannoying you just have to get on with it. I think I'm just getting me time now and I'm 50 FFS.

Get yourself a cleaner. And I promise you that most young mums don't get to shower every day..

GrannyMack63 · 13/04/2022 22:59

[quote Tessabelle74]@GrannyMack63 get back to the 50's! We no longer have to be grateful our men folk do the bare minimum of parenting! Your sons have been enabled to be useless, by you! Hopefully their partners have given them a quick kick up the arse and got them doing their fair share![/quote]
Wind your neck in. My son's are all great, hands on dad's. Doesn't mean they weren't anxious about handling a tiny baby in the early days.

But i stand by what I say about doing other household chores. There are tons of posts on this site where women are moaning that their partners do nothing.

Many women are toxic in there attitudes towards their partners. Some men can do no right.

Amitskitshaw · 13/04/2022 23:10

He’d rather the help not be prescriptive!!! That says it all. It’s not like you get a choice about what to do or when. I raised 3 kids in the style you have described. It’s not healthy and I regret not nipping it in the bud. Stuck now.

AmberMcAmber · 13/04/2022 23:14

Short answer: no YANBU

Slightly longer one: go to your parents and let him show you he’ll actually do it, by doing things like preparing meals for yoU AND DD (making sure the meals are suitable for nursing mum) lots of snacks, clean(ish) house and read stories for DD - he can do the bonding over FaceTime etc to start with & once he sees what he’s missing out on he’ll be speeding over to move in with you there too! And if he’s not… get rid of him

Twopandemicpregnancies · 13/04/2022 23:18

I have a similar age gap to what you will have. DP basically did all care of our toddler for the first 8 weeks with a newborn to help me recover. He was already doing all bath and bedtime routine while I was pregnant, plus half of meals, nappies
and nursery runs, but he stepped this up to all nappies, nursery runs, wake ups, bedtimes, park, swimming lessons etc. If your DH can’t step up and manage most of the toddler care now then he won’t manage all of her care when new baby arrives.

Mepop · 13/04/2022 23:26

Is it worth getting couple counselling? Maybe it would help you both understand each other’s point of view. I understand why you would love extra help and being spoilt at your parents for months sounds lovely especially if you think you will struggle at home but I can also see his point, it does sound like you are leaving him and taking the kids. It sounds extreme, going away for months, not a few days. Could your parents not visit more to help instead?

Blueink · 14/04/2022 04:34

It’s time to hand over (as much as possible) to him now. Down tools and tell him you now need to rest to prepare your body for the birth. No wonder you have felt so unwell you are overstating what he is contributing unless you are simply reheating meals he has prepared from scratch. Handover how u do bath time etc if he has been totally uninvolved. It’s not that ‘going where the help is’ is unreasonable but it will probably be the beginning of the end of your marriage. I don’t understand why you have needed a nanny to have a shower though. A baby can lie safely in a cot for 5 mins.

redfairy · 14/04/2022 07:16

I don't see how leaving your marriage in effect will make things better in the long run. Better to address that problem head on right now.

wtfwasthatmate · 14/04/2022 07:22

*Wind your neck in. My son's are all great, hands on dad's. Doesn't mean they weren't anxious about handling a tiny baby in the early days.

But i stand by what I say about doing other household chores. There are tons of posts on this site where women are moaning that their partners do nothing.

Many women are toxic in there attitudes towards their partners. Some men can do no right.*

Oh fuck off and wind your own neck in. Women are anxious too. And at risk of PPD. And recovering from birth and pregnancy. No choice to opt out though is there?

It's shitty attitudes like this that keep women doing the grunt work and men getting pats on the back for doing the bare minimum.

isthatanotherbastardgrey · 14/04/2022 08:17

Surely if you decamp to your parents you're absolving him of all responsibility and just making a harder rod for your own back when you return because he'll be even more used to doing bugger all.

Deal with the issue, don't run away from it. It's not going to change otherwise.

I say this at 39 weeks pregnant, with two other children and a medical condition. My DH is going to have to step up as of next week, and if he doesn't, he'll be getting a bollocking, not a disappearing act.

Blossomtoes · 14/04/2022 08:42

It’s not going to change at all. It’s not about teaching him a lesson or forcing him into doing more (he won’t), it’s about doing whatever’s best for you and your kids. And that’s being looked after by your mum.

Newmumatlast · 14/04/2022 08:44

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why did you have another if he is so useless then? You knew what he was like by the sounds of it. You can’t be surprised
Sorry but yes, this.

Yabu leaving for a few months. I do think that's not appropriate when you've just had a child and husband should have his kids around.

But.. I get why. Your husband sounds useless. You have to ask yourself though why are you with him if you have to do something so extreme for help

007Stocko · 14/04/2022 10:23

What an absolutely horrendous idea - especially considering what your husbands response was. Forget that idea right now!

You guys have to work it out. You need to sit down and talk it through. Be open and honest. Give and take on both sides.

Ask him what the plan is around paternity leave.

If necessary, after all that, maybe see if your mom will come and stay with you guys for the first week or something. Then he can take maternity leave on weeks 2 & 3.

MrsPetty · 14/04/2022 13:30

My exH was pretty much the same. Except he didn’t help out with cooking or housework either. It was only after I left him that I realised that I had been a single parent from the get go while also living with a lodger. My advice would be to go to your parents if they’re okay with that and have some distance from your marriage.

PinkSyCo · 14/04/2022 17:53

Why should she not have the children she wants because her husband is useless? She clearly had a biological urge.

Because she is not putting her hands in her pocket to pay for a nanny this time round, and is instead expecting to encroach on her poor parents for months on end!

Mandyjack · 14/04/2022 17:57

If he's said he'll do more get him to start doing more now before the baby comes. If he doesn't then remind him you have no choice than to seek help elsewhere. Was baby 2 planned or accidental? Just wondering if you really wanted another given what you've said

Blossomtoes · 14/04/2022 18:07

I wouldn’t worry too much about her “poor parents” @PinkSyCo. Most of us love looking after our adult children and our grandchildren.