To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

[quote ReadyToMoveIt]@drpet49 what has the OP said that makes you think her neighbour is ‘smug’? She’s just living her life!
Do people think that someone who retires early should be up at 6am self flagellating? So what if she sunbathes all day?![/quote]
@ReadyToMoveIt *she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.*

Sounds insufferably smug to me. The neighbour is rubbing it in OP's face quite a bit it seems.

Good grief you sound so bitter and judgemental!

Oh fgs. Maybe they're better with money than you? Maybe she paid extra into her pension? Maybe she has a side hustle? Maybe they're living off investments?

And you're right, it's none of your bloody business.

It would grate on me too when young people are in dire need of LA housing stock. Need being the crucial term here.... but of course she won't relinquish her cushy living arrangements
Given she's put in 30 years of working in a local authority job, she's likely to be on a final salary (gold plated) index linked pension scheme, so bully for her. She's put in the years and is reaping the rewards.
Best let it go and step back for the sake of your MH. We all have our cross to bear

She could be retired on medical grounds , have an inheritance , claiming disability benefits due to a disability , not all are visual
Or just playing the system
Best just to let it go and look at the good things you have in your life

Focus on your life not hers. If you are unhappy change jobs- there will be a way. Many people go back to uni or college at an older age. Appreciate what you have and focus on that.
In some ways I am veiwed similarly to the woman you mention- I work part time whatever hours I want, because I love my job, and I study, but I inherited a lot of money and bought a house outright when I was 25. so I’m not well off but I am ok. But I would rather struggle and own nothing but have my mum and grandparents back.
Maybe this woman inherited and
Also would take her family back over the money anyday x

Jealousy is such an ugly emotion.
A ‘friend’ of mine ( call her A) is so jealous of one of our mutual friends ( call her B)
B is wealthy and lives in a beautiful five bedroomed with a massive garden.
Friend A constantly makes nasty remarks about B’s lifestyle and has told people that B doesn’t actually own the house and that it is rented.
This is not true.
Friend A has even checked to see if B’s car is on finance or whether it was bought outright.
Friend A has told me all about checks that she had carried out on Friend B .
I have now cut off Friend A
Op , you are obviously unhappy with your own life which is why you are so jealous of your neighbour’s lifestyle. You need to make changes in your own life.
Jealousy is such an evil spirit because it makes the jealous person want to ‘harm’ the person who they are jealous of . You don’t want your neighbour to have the cottage and live the lifestyle that she does.
Your own life is not going to get any better by fixating on someone else’s life.
Rather than spend time obsessing about neighbour’s life . Sit down and make a list of things that you are unhappy about and what you can do to change them. Use your jealousy as a catalyst to spur you into making changes to your own life.
Btw, your neighbour is probably aware of your jealousy and resentment

I’d be pretty happy if I could give up work at 46 too 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s not like she’s saying ‘ah OP, I bet you wish you could quit work like me, you poor thing’. She’s expressing pleasure in the fact that she no longer has to work (and with the ‘paid my dues’ thing, probably feeling like she has to justify herself to bitter people like the OP).

Sounds insufferably smug to me. The neighbour is rubbing it in OP's face quite a bit it seems.

You’re right. She should never mention it and when asked she should respond only in a negative way. Totally with you on that.

Social housing is given at a time when needed , if you have a lifelong tenancy they don't chuck you out.
If i won the lotfery I would move out of my ha house but not everyone would , especially as its a nice place

There are hundreds of possibilities. Widow’s or children’s pension or death in service benefits. Maintenance. Payout from a work grievance or other compensation. Life insurance payout via critical illness cover. Inheritance. If she doesn’t choose to share it, why should she? I think you can see why she might not. I live a similar lifestyle (usually. I’m having a bit of a crisis atm, although I’m a widowed parent, so while it might look idyllic, I assure you it isn’t). I chose to earn less than most people around me and have more time to myself and for my family, but that isn’t really obvious that our holidays aren’t long haul and we don’t have new clothes and cars, lots of fancy tech and expensive hobbies. Just the house, and time to garden, read, nap and knit. Not exactly high end! Or maybe it is obvious and I just don’t care.

There is variation in household income. It’s natural to wish yours were different, but perhaps you could reflect on why you are quite fixated on this one person? There are lots of people better off than you (although it doesn’t sound like she is very tactful about it)

@Shinyandnew1

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks

That was so nosey! What was her job-I expect it had a good pension?

She wouldn't be able to draw on a pension at 46.

@Antarcticant

What was her job? Some jobs do enable early retirement, usually because they are very demanding - e.g. police, forces.

You can’t take any pension that is an approved pension scheme with HMRC before 55 - that law changed years ago.

You can use other savings pots like pensions in terms of taking a regular income from them, as soon as you want, but that is not a”pension” a defined by HMRC ….you could do that aged 18 if you wanted…but it is not a pension

OP if course you have more security , when you finish your mortgage. I will still be paying my rent every week
I get less favourable credit as I don't own a house
I can't do very much to my house in way of changes etc
People look down on you
There are benefits of course but Also downsides
I would much rather own my house than be in social housinb

She sounds like she has a simple enough lifestyle.
No expensive clothes
No expensive hair dos
No car needed to travel to and from work, saving tax, insurance, petrol and general upkeep.
No expensive facials.
Probably doesn't eat out a lot.
Yes she has holiday booked but perhaps it's a bargain?
She may have borrowed the £5000 towards her daughter's wedding.
She has one daughter so she hasn't had to help children through university.
Her daughter doesn't live at home so if it is just her and her husband their food bills will be smaller ......her husband probably qualifies for discount in whatever supermarket he works for.
She doesn't have to up keep her house as major issues will be dealt with by whichever authority owns her social housing.
She can do her own cleaning she has the time and therefore doesn't need a cleaner, likewise she doesn't need a window cleaner , someone to cut grass etc .
Or
She may be on some sort of benefit that you know nothing about or
She may be in debt to her eyeballs.

As others have said
Comparison is thief of joy .

I opened this thinking it was going to be about someone to be really envious of like Rishi Sunak's wife.

Statistics show that a high number of women in their 40s and 50s dropped out of the workforce during the pandemic, with many taking early retirement. I don't know how they all afford it either - I am in my 40s and need at least another 20 years' contributions to my pension before I can relax - but there you go. Maybe a lot of people live off credit?

She’s is definitely a Mumsnet user, her response to your (nosy!) question about income was straight out of the coy Mumsnet handbook

I'm not going to give you a hard time, OP, because I know somebody similar and it sticks in my craw.

She is not loaded (benefits) but has a healthy amount of disposable income and coupled with the amount of spare time she has, she has a pretty decent lifestyle.

She is so far removed from the world of work, she just doesn't understand that not everybody has the freedom she does. She is good to herself but incredibly selfish with other people. Always getting her hair done, nails always immaculate, constant new clothes. Always redecorating her house / improving her garden.

At the first sign of an unexpected bill though she will borrow off somebody and never pay it back. She will also never put her hand in her pocket if out for drinks or dinner. She seems to think that because she doesn't work, other people should treat her, despite her having far more disposable income than them. She is also selfish with her time and won't do anything to help anybody out. Just says no and because she is generally quite useless just expects people to accept that and they usually do. She is always the helpee, never the helper.

So, yes, I can understand why you are irritated / jealous. But honestly, it's not going to do you any good. Just stop giving it headspace. You have no idea what the real reason is anyway, it might not all be as great as it looks.

@ReadyToMoveIt

I’d be pretty happy if I could give up work at 46 too 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s not like she’s saying ‘ah OP, I bet you wish you could quit work like me, you poor thing’. She’s expressing pleasure in the fact that she no longer has to work (and with the ‘paid my dues’ thing, probably feeling like she has to justify herself to bitter people like the OP).

Yeah but would you rub someone's face in it and bring it up regularly when you know that person is struggling? @ReadyToMoveIt When you know someone is struggling, it's in very poor taste to boast about not having to work and never intending to again. It is very rude and in poor taste. Nothing about the OP sounds bitter, it sounds like she is goaded by a nasty piece of work neighbour who sounds rather insecure in themselves if they have to rub their wealth in the face of someone who is struggling like buggery. I have found that people who are braggarts and showoffs like the OP's neighbour are unhappy on the inside, maybe there is that, that the neighbour has an unhappy relationship or something else, so they have to protest too much how happy happy happeee they are, to cover their insecurity. I've known many wealthy people who are retired, a couple who retired early (though not as early as OP's neighbour) and not one of them has boasted about never having to work again or suggested someone else hasn't paid their dues. It's just vulgar, thoughtless and quite cruel.

Op, you should also consider that this “income” could have come out of some very unfortunate or devastating circumstances.
For instance..inheritance…this means she may have lost a close loved one and would much rather have that person still alive than the inheritance. Or it could be compensation for a event that happened to her that she wishes never happened.
Not all money is the result of good luck or good fortune…sometimes it comes to us as result of tragic and difficult circumstances…remember this….

@HangingRock25 that’s not the impression I am getting at all. The OP has said clearly that she asks the neighbour about her lifestyle. Any one of those things she said could have been in response to the OP’s questioning.

If I was her I would move! Her neighbours sound bitchy!

Also her husband working “part time” in supermarket for 4 days…depends on his shifts …4 days could easily be 40 hours and equivalent to a full time job. Number of days worked a week is meaningless for shift workers

@MrsWinters no its so not a liftime tenancy was to give people just that
If the ladies lived there 30 years she will of paid for her house and some , and will continue paying rent
The fact successive government's have not built enough social housing over the last 20/30 years is the issue
Social housing was built for working class people as well that was the whole idea and to give people a long term stable home