To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

Don't Covet.
It's non of your business.

@Jonad most ha recharge if you call them out and its not an emergency , and they have very strict rules in what constitutes an emergency in the first place

I'm stunned at your rudeness in asking those questions. It seems like the other people you asked about her were too, since they told you it was none of your business.

It sounds as though you could do with some counselling, to be honest. This level of jealousy isn't healthy.

It's natural to be mildly envious. My oldest friends have had three large inheritances from family members they didn't grieve for (two elderly single aunts that they were the only next generation relative of and a parent they didn't get on with). As everything my parents and PILs owned and saved for went on long term care, I do envy my friends' ability to help their kids substantially, but it doesn't offend me or affect my relationship with them.

It sounds like you need to work this through with a professional.

What is the point of annoying yourself over her personal choices.

You're in a better position than most, lucky enough to have a mortgage to pay, should renters without support hate you?

Just get on with life.

What is it with all these threads lately? "My neighbour / friend / 2nd cousin once removed is living the life of Riley. I'm not going to say this out right, but I'm going to strongly insinuate, that the only way they can afford to be doing this, is to be fraudulently claiming benefits."

How about, despite what think, you don't know everything about their financial situation. And if they're not being honest with about where their 'wealth' comes from I don't blame them. You sound really judgemental.

[quote CarmenThePanda]@Dancer47 and everyone else who regularly carps on about this:
SOCIAL HOUSING IS NOT SUBSIDISED BY THE TAXPAYER.

The lower rents reflect to difference between fair rents and those charged by private landlords in the commercial sector.[/quote]
Of course it is! Local government receives Revenue Sport Grant from central government ie the tax player. Council housing is one of the three main things that grant is used for.

Did you really think that the total cost of providing the property that the OP describes is met by 350 / month?

It doesn't matter if the retired lady gloated or not. Personally, I don't think she has. No sane person asks mutual friends about this. A good thing they ignored you!

Think of the future, your DC inherits from your investment, her DC won't there'll be nothing to sell.

A friend (36) of mine had a house bought for her by her parents when she was around thirty. She stopped working not long after and they give her an allowance each month

I'm not overly sure what she does with her days, just walks her dog and bums around I think

I imagine the woman you mention or her dh have came into some money at some point, could be a windfall or inheritance or they could have made money on shares. My bro made over £80k on shares and has been living off that for the last few years just bumming around

I did actually meet someone like this not long ago who told me she give massages with happy endings!!!! She does 3 a day at £200 a pop. Her husband knows!

Stop worrying about other people op and sort out your own life.
You hate your job and your mortgage is too big.
Fix that, don't obsess over someone else being happy

@SaggyBlinders

Your time would be better spend looking at your own finances and reviewing your budget and where your money goes.

45% of your take home pay on your mortgage when you have two incomes and both work full time/45 - 50 hour weeks is insane. Unless you are making overpayments to pay it off earlier.

Agree. I'm trying to work out how that can be. Is your house incredibly expensive or are you both on really low wages? I'm part-time and my DH is full-time (being 37 hours, not 50!) on distinctly average wages and ours is 21% (and we're in the SE!).

If the latter, (and you say you hate your job!), is there no way you can get a new job?

You don't need to be a pauper to live in social/council housing.

There has been huge developments near me that are targeting Police/Nursing and Teaching professions to live in their flats.

Social Housing rent is the actual cost of upkeep and repairs. Private rent is so high as you are basically paying someone else's mortgage and insurance.

Also I think if you asked people about their repairs, it is not a matter of "clicking your fingers and they come a running". It can take months for a simple repair.

OP you sound very bitter, you know nothing of her personal life. Make your own life better. Or maybe get a poor friend so you can truly feel superior.

I hate threads like this. You sound miserable as fuck! And horrible too.

Why don’t you focus on improving your own life. Is it her fault that you and your DH don’t have a pot to piss in? So because you’re both struggling it’s not fair that she doesn’t work and seems to have a great life. Sorry but that’s your own business. Not sure what her living in social housing has to do with the price of fish. You can still live in social housing if you’ve received an inheritance. Maybe you should have got yourself on the council bidding list instead of taking out a mortgage.

As for this I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. you really need to get a grip. Speaking about your neighbour to mutual friends or people you know? Soooo unnecessary and bitchy. Fix your own life instead of being jealous of others when they literally haven’t done a thing to you

Have you recently bought to be in negative equity?

@MummyBobbles

I think the fact she worked in a Local Authority is your answer. If she started work at 18 she could have retired at midish forties on a final salary pension. Completely possible a few years back. May have taken early retirement as well. Its been changed now. Also a lot of old school LA workers would also be social housing tenants.

By the OP’s figures this woman is 50 and retired four years ago. Public sector final salary pensions have not been a thing for a lot longer than that.

You could have a legitimate beef about not having access to Social Housing (there is nothing to stop the Tories building enough for all low wage families). However projecting that issue onto this women is very unfair

You don't need to be a pauper to live in social/council housing.

This!!

Also I think if you asked people about their repairs, it is not a matter of "clicking your fingers and they come a running". It can take months for a simple repair.

Also this! It can be such a hassle to contact the council and continuously chase it up for someone to come and have a look at the issue. It’s not a case of clicking their fingers just because you may have to wait longer than she does

OP you sound very bitter, you know nothing of her personal life. Make your own life better. Or maybe get a poor friend so you can truly feel superior.

Haha yes definitely. Maybe get a poor friend who’s struggling and constantly using food banks so you can feel great about yourself

I'm sorry but you sound awful. Try to concentrate on your own life and buisness and definately don't carry on this gossip and phishing for information from mutual friends if you want ant left!

From what you’ve said, she sounds as though she may not need social housing and if that’s the case, she’s taking the piss. However, as others say, she may have her own source of income for a number of reasons, not all positive. I can understand your upset though. You’re similar ages and she appears to have it all sorted. That said, her life sounds like my PILs’ - fine if you’re in your seventies but is she really going to plod on like this for the next 40-50 years? I’d be so bored!

well my mum and step dad live in social housing in a small village. She retired in her 50s as she got a 6 figure inheritance from her aunt when she died. She had enough to buy thier house from the authority on right to buy but didnt - she did however retire and lives ok. Shes in her 60s now. I think she was crazy not to buy the house as she would now own that asset but i suppose she has secure tenancy until she dies so isnt bothered about owning it,

I know someone who has a degenerative disease. An outsider would never know there is anything wrong but behind the scenes she is in a lot of pain, there are lots of medical appointments, a cocktail of drugs to be taken and there is a lot of self-management stuff she has to do e.g. exercise and adaptations. She had to give up work and got an insurance pay out to cover a percentage of her previous salary (after lots of fighting the insurance company). The only people who know about this are her husband, parents, brother and me as she doesn't want her DCs and GC to find out. She regularly fields off questions from people who wonder how she has managed to give up work but seemingly retain her lifestyle and does say similar things to those you have quoted. Have you considered that your friend could be going through something similar?

I am glad you have listened to the feedback OP, you are definitely being unreasonable in my opinion.

I had a period being very skint and it was really tough, but the only thing that happens if you obsess over other people is you get bitter.

You are having a tough time but actually still doing much better than others. I found it really hard to balance those two things in my head. It is OK/natural/healthy for you to acknowledge negative feelings about your own problems but when you compare upwards you also have to be mindful to compare downwards.

You are torturing yourself unnecessarily. It s highly likely she won some cash or inherited and chose to luce off that cash rather than buy anything. You shouldn't be asking and how will it help you? However all that crap from her about having paid her doesn't is really boasting and not especially nice either. I know someone like that. I just avoid her.

You would be better off and more contented yourself, OP, if you could just be happy for her.