To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

I think the fact she worked in a Local Authority is your answer. If she started work at 18 she could have retired at midish forties on a final salary pension. Completely possible a few years back. May have taken early retirement as well. Its been changed now. Also a lot of old school LA workers would also be social housing tenants.

You asked someone how they financially coped??😳
That is beyond rude and intrusive.
You need to leave her alone,writing a thread about this innocent lady,you are starting to look like a stalker,back off.

OP - I can understand you feeling this way and this woman does sound a bit annoying.

However, it is clear that there is something about her situation that is different to most people and she is not representative of the general population. The vast majority of people can’t afford to retire at 46 or 50 or even 55. It’s like the thread the other day about someone wondering how her lone parent friends could afford expensive holidays etc without working much. Even if that was real, it’s quite an unusual situation - the vast majority of lone parents really struggle financially.

I used to spend a lot of time comparing my own situation to other people - particularly as I happen to know lots of people who appear to lead quite charmed lives. But I have become a bit better at giving myself a reality check and I try to focus on the good things in my life.

You seriously need to get a grip of yourself. Her money could have come from any number of things and it is nothing to do with you.

Stop wondering about her life and get on with your own. I suggest you stay away from her as she is just making you miserable.

@Ohwellnevermindthen

What is OnlyFans?

It's a content subscription service where people can have a page and their 'fans' can subscribe and pay for content..

Feeling resentful about it is your own issue. I can't believe how invested you are in knowing how she affords things though. You have no right to know - are you not embarrassed at having attempted to dig the details out of her?

I get that your situation is hard, but that's not her fault!

You're being nosey and rude

I think you need to get a job you do not loathe. Much easier said than done I know but you shouldn't spend the next 20 years doing somethong you hate.

Voluntary redundancy
Encouraged to take early retirement
Constructive dismissal / signed a NDA.

You have already been called out by other village friends for being nosy and intrusive.

Made repeated attempts to ask her...

You will lose all your village friends.

How come you bought such a money pit of a house?

Wow 😮
Stop overthinking and being so nosy about her life and get on with your own. You sound very jealous and bitter.

Seen a lot of posts like this lately. Honestly, asking other people how they manage is rude and intrusive. We can afford to retire at 50, though we are carrying on till 54. It is none of anyone's business how we do that.

Equally you would hope you don't have smug neighbours making sly and boast comments rubbing it in your face, when they know how shit your situation is. Which sounds like what the OP's neighbour is doing

It really doesn’t. It’s bad enough the op is jealous and resentful but at least she knows the woman, just the thought of her has you feeling the same.it’s really unhealthy and only hurts you.

comparison is the thief of joy.
I think MNer's would do well not to fixate so much on other people's financial lives.

People certainly do get to stay in social housing with inheritance. I have a work colleague who earns over£70k a year who still has his housing association flat that he first got as a poor student 45 years ago. He is on an assured rent too so pays peanuts. He only stays in it one night a week, mostly stays with his partner in a huge Victorian house. He calls himself a socialist.

Anyhow, there is no point comparing yourself to anyone, although it is difficult I know. We all make choices that lead us to the lives we have.

I would instead look at things you can do to change the things in your own life that you don't like. Sometimes we can feel stuck with things that can be changed, albeit with a bit of short term pain or risk.

Write a list of the top 5 things that make you happy and see if you can make them happen. I put the sea at number one, so I moved to near the sea. I rented my house out and remortgaged it to get a deposit on a much cheaper house by the sea. Not suggesting you do this, just an example.

@bellaiceberg

comparison is the thief of joy. I think MNer's would do well not to fixate so much on other people's financial lives.

Yes. We are well off in comparison to most, but DD has an incurable and difficult disease that she has to live with for ever. I often look at other people's healthy daughters and feel envious, but I try to rein it in and certainly don't seethe like the OP.

@Ohwellnevermindthen

What is OnlyFans?

Sex work that single mothers do. Usually used by husbands of married mothers who wonder why their single mother neighbours are so flush.

@WalkingAcrossAFord

You can't assume her rent is £350 pcm based on knowledge of the rent on another house on the same road - they may be on very different rents depending on the nature of the tenancies, when they started etc.

Repairs - not sure how you can begrudge someone getting a repair carried out quickly - remember they are PAYING to live there and will have no equity at the end to show for it. It's in the interest of the housing association or council /whoever owns the property to maintain the properties effectively and protect their investment, and meet their health and safety obligations to their tenant.

Why can she stay their if she's received an inheritance - because stability of communities depends on settled, stable households who are allowed to better their financial situation without fear of being turfed out. Stability is what enables communities to support each other and thrive, and it enables people to invest (socially) in their local area - getting involved with running stuff, forming supportive friendships with neighbours (!) Etc.

Reign not rein. I hate when I make grammatical mistakes.

I am also puzzled (like another poster) how they stay in social housing if theyhavego an inheritance or lottery win.

She probably has a secure tenancy, I'd stay there if I could as well. She won't be getting housing benefit I doubt though so the money she has paid in rent (at least £400 a month I expect) she won't ever get back, whereas with a mortgage I expect she'd be well on her way to paying it off and would get money when she sold it.

*stay 'there' I mean.

* Equally you would hope you don't have smug neighbours making sly and boast comments rubbing it in your face, when they know how shit your situation is. Which sounds like what the OP's neighbour is doing*

^I agree. Neighbour sounds very smug

I know where you're coming from OP. I know it's completely irrational but my neighbour, who lives in the biggest house on the street, is currently having an extension built and I can't help but feel a tiny bit of resentment while I'm stuck with my little house. But then I remind myself that years ago I never thought I would ever get a mortgage and would be renting flats for the rest of my life! The thought of owning a 3 bed house in a lovely area was just a pipe dream, but now I do. Then comes a whole 360 and I go back to being jealous 🤣 Same with people who's parent give them money to help them buy a house. I feel a childish "it's not faaaaair" coming on because I had to work for everything!

@drpet49 what has the OP said that makes you think her neighbour is ‘smug’? She’s just living her life!
Do people think that someone who retires early should be up at 6am self flagellating? So what if she sunbathes all day?!

He husband works in a supermarket four days a week. It’s highly unlikely he’s doing thay as he loves it.

This woman could have a health problem you’re unaware of, she could have received a pay off due to something, she just doesn’t wish to share with you. She maybe in receipt of benefits due to it. Retiring at 45 and a husband who works in the local supermarket part time, doesn’t scream loaded. It screams something else is going on. Just becayse she can afford a holiday and is giving her child 5k doesn’t mean she’s a wealthy woman. Far from it. It could be money she received and has saved. It could be she got ten grand inheritance.

If they got a council house it’s likely as they were a low income family. Him still working in a supermarket would signal this ro be correct.

Whatever reason she doesn’t work is none of your business, she’s not telling you as she doesn’t wish to.

I had a similar situation once. An NCT friend. Neither she nor her husband worked, and made no secret of the the fact they had no intention of working, yet they seemingly lived a very nice life. Car, house (rented), expensive baby classes, skiing holidays. She was in her late 20s and he was in his early 40s.

I wasn’t jealous of them - more puzzled to be honest. I did end the friendship though - not in a dramatic way, I just let it fizzle out. I know it was none of my business how they managed financially but I just found I couldn’t relate to her and she couldn’t relate to me.