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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

436 replies

WalkingAcrossAFord · 11/04/2022 10:29

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Confused Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 11/04/2022 11:57

My DC says she’s retired early. She hasn’t. She’s on disability as she has no bowel control, bone issues, and a whole variety of other issues due to IBD and has only just had her PIP approved. But there is no way she will tell a stranger all of this, so she just says early retirement. You are being massively unreasonable and sound a bit unhinged really. Get a new obsession.

ReadyToMoveIt · 11/04/2022 11:58

If you’re hating your own life and you see someone who on the surface is swanning about enjoying theirs, it’s hard to feel happy for them. Anyone who denies it is a liar

‘Swanning about’? She’s just… living.

Ohwellnevermindthen · 11/04/2022 11:59

Could it be that she is on benefits for an illness that isn't obvious and which she doesn't want to disclose so she just says she is retired? Might be why people come out quickly to fix her house.

She might have just had an inheritance or a return on investments.

Could also be benefit fraud too. It does happen.

I wouldn't hang out with people who made me feel like that. I would try to get myself out of feeling crap instead and taking steps towards that. It is shit when you are working your arse to the bone for not much in return, so I do understand why it could be annoying and sympathise with you on that. If I ever catch myself comparing, I remind myself that there is no benefit to it and you never really know other people's circumstances.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 11/04/2022 11:59

Honestly, if a nosey neighbour attempted to quiz me about my finances, I'd tell them to f*ck off!

HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 11:59

To people criticising the OP: to be fair, the way OP has presented it ( she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again. She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again. ) it does sound like the neighbour loves boasting and rubbing others faces in it, so if the neighbour does bring it up herself a lot, I can understand the OP casually asking the neighbour how she managed it, on the many occasions neighbour was showboating.

Eatprayrun · 11/04/2022 12:00

OP if you put half as much effort into improving your own life as you’ve put into investigating your neighbour you’d be much happier already.

Flowers for those on this thread who got their money from inheritance, widows pensions, disability payments, critical illness insurance etc. The money does not make up for what you have lost or suffered. I hope you don’t have nosy neighbours quizzing you about those incidents in your life.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 11/04/2022 12:01

How come you’re in negative equity op? That’s quite unusual currently the way house prices have been rocketing over recent years.

Fadeout83 · 11/04/2022 12:01

@ReadyToMoveIt

If you’re hating your own life and you see someone who on the surface is swanning about enjoying theirs, it’s hard to feel happy for them. Anyone who denies it is a liar

‘Swanning about’? She’s just… living.

OP clearly sees it as swanning about given she’s mentioned sleeping in and tanning and lounging. I’m reflecting OPs feelings. Good lord.
neveradullmoment99 · 11/04/2022 12:03

@Gowithme

My guess would be that she inherited money or another property and rents it out. I think if you are in a secure tenancy then it doesn't affect it. IMO this is wrong when there are so many people who can't afford to rent privately and others who own a property but still take up social housing. It should be changed IMO. Maybe that's why she is so coy about where her money comes from because she knows it's not morally acceptable. There's no point worrying about it though as there's nothing you can do. Better to try to concentrate on your life and making that better than worrying about her. There will always be people who land on their feet or are better off that you in one way or another.
No. Social housing should not be changed. Social housing should be available to everyone who might need or want it. Surely eveyone has the right to a home? That is the problem. The Tories sold all the social housing off. Many many people bought their social housing leaving very few homes for other people. That is NOT the fault of those in social housing.
HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 12:05

@Eatprayrun

OP if you put half as much effort into improving your own life as you’ve put into investigating your neighbour you’d be much happier already.

Flowers for those on this thread who got their money from inheritance, widows pensions, disability payments, critical illness insurance etc. The money does not make up for what you have lost or suffered. I hope you don’t have nosy neighbours quizzing you about those incidents in your life.

Equally you would hope you don't have smug neighbours making sly and boast comments rubbing it in your face, when they know how shit your situation is. Which sounds like what the OP's neighbour is doing.
neveradullmoment99 · 11/04/2022 12:05

As for the OP. It's quite frankly none of your business.

MarryMeTomHardy · 11/04/2022 12:05

Haven't read TFT but am I the only one thinking maybe she is on OnlyFans Grin

RoseLimeade · 11/04/2022 12:05

You're being awful OP.

If you're so unhappy with your own life, the power to change that rests solely in your hands.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/04/2022 12:06

Lottery win
Inheritance
Wealthy relatives

Lucky her.

CornishGem1975 · 11/04/2022 12:08

@MarryMeTomHardy

Haven't read TFT but am I the only one thinking maybe she is on OnlyFans Grin
I thought that 🤣
GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/04/2022 12:08

You haven’t just asked her nosey questions about her finances, you have speculated about them to others and tried to get them to do the same.

I understand feeling envious - it’s just a feeling. But trying to embroil others in your speculation and dissatisfaction is really unpleasant behaviour and it seems as though that was noted by the people you were bitching to because they shut you down. You can’t help your feelings but you can help what you do with them. Instead of gossiping about this woman’s income, other local women may well be talking about your bitter jealousy of it.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 11/04/2022 12:09

Your jealousy and unhappiness is shining out, yes she might annoy you but she’s not wasting her life thinking about you.

If you’re that unhappy with your life, what are you going to do about it? It’s no point not addressing your feelings and your situation by taking it out on your neighbour, you’re wasting your time.

It’d be a shame for you to look back in ten years and see that you’ve spent it pissed off at someone else!

Keepup8113 · 11/04/2022 12:10

5 year old car
Social housing
DH works 4 days a week in supermarket
European holiday out of school holidays

Very little suggests here that they are living even remotely the life of Riley

Ohwellnevermindthen · 11/04/2022 12:11

What is OnlyFans?

Ilostit · 11/04/2022 12:12

I would focus on yourself and your own life and how to improve your own lives. Comparing yourself to her , you’re holding yourself back

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 12:12

@ReadyToMoveIt

If you’re hating your own life and you see someone who on the surface is swanning about enjoying theirs, it’s hard to feel happy for them. Anyone who denies it is a liar

‘Swanning about’? She’s just… living.

The Op doesn't have to feel happy for her...she doesn't have to feel anything....what she does have to do is focus on her own life and mind her own business.
jytdtysrht · 11/04/2022 12:12

People have lots of ways to acquire money and goods apparently. On the face of it, it doesn’t look fair. But it’s impossible to know what’s going on really. She could have been left an annuity by a relative that is paying her out some money regularly, for example, like a salary. Try not to think about it. She’s not going to tell you how she’s doing it, and even if she did, you are unlikely to be able to replicate it.

ReadyToMoveIt · 11/04/2022 12:16

@Keepup8113

5 year old car Social housing DH works 4 days a week in supermarket European holiday out of school holidays

Very little suggests here that they are living even remotely the life of Riley

That’s what I was thinking. And how does ‘lying in’ and ‘lounging’ equal ‘swanning around’?! Some people are crazy.
JustLyra · 11/04/2022 12:16

You’re being massively unreasonable, but you know that really.

If it wasn’t for the HA comment I’d wonder if you were the ex-friend of mine who became an ex friend due to their snide comments and constant questions about my income.

You never know what people have been through. Outwardly I seem to have it very lucky - inherited flat that brings me an income. However, the reality is that I inherited it from my grandparents. They brought me up because my parents were extremely neglectful and abusive.

Oh and there’s the “luck” of the sum of compensation I got from the criminal injuries compensation fund.

You have no idea of peoples circumstances or how their lives got them there.

Although this is basically just another thread having a pop at social housing rents.

Ohfgsnotagain · 11/04/2022 12:17

It sounds like you hate your life. You’re over invested in this other woman. How they manage to live on their income and what other income they may have really is none of your business. She could have a sideline that you know nothing about, an inheritance, a lottery win.....the fact you’ve asked and she hasn’t divulged means she doesn’t want to share that information with you. Stop asking!

I can’t fathom why you’re friends with her. You have nothing in common, feel very resentful and you’re gossiping to others whilst trying to dig up dirt on her.

Don’t gossip to others in your groups it may backfire and you could find yourself being made the outsider rather than pushing her out!

Look at what is making you so unhappy in your own life and what changes you can make. Downsize or move to a cheaper area so you have a smaller mortgage and reduce your hours at work? Change your job and make something you don’t hate.