To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

OP the green eyed monster is really coming through. I retired in my mid 40s because i worked my backside off to be able to do it. I wouldn't dream of asking you about your finances so don't be so cheeky by asking this "friend" of yours ho she funds herself.

She doesn't have it better than you!

When you have paid your mortgage off and retired she will still be paying rent!

Her Daughter will not inherit property from her parents any children you have will, look at the bigger picture.

She might not be able to afford to replace that five year old car.

Does she actively brag about her life in that case not someone I'd want to know anyway or are you just going in what you can see?

You actually asked her that?! How weird and rude of you

Her reply was very polite, I’m not sure mine would’ve been.

@Antarcticant

What was her job? Some jobs do enable early retirement, usually because they are very demanding - e.g. police, forces.

People sometimes have to be medically retired from the forces too. I knew someone whose accommodation would be paid for it from her 30s to the rest of her life. She still worked though.

I think cottage woman might be bored out of her mind secretly.

"YABVU to be asking around to try to find out and gossiping about her, that’s just nosy!"

But she's not asking around and gossiping, she asked the woman directly.

She could have come into an inheritance or got a win on the lottery that doesn't give her enough to buy but does give her and her DH enough money to enjoy. If she is truly paying £350pm then £80K would cover the rent pretty much until retirement but wouldn't give enough to buy a place AND run it. Everyone has this idea that a lottery win would buy a big house - but you've still got to heat it etc! So maybe she's had enough to pay rent etc until her pension kicks in. With her husband working part time they may well be able to live a comfortable - but not extravagant life.

Or, as some have said, maybe she got retired on ill health grounds - perhaps her 'lying in until 10am some days' isn't her idea of a good time. She could be like my friend who has ME and can't actually get up some days because she's physically exhausted.

Or she may have had an accident and got a big payout.

Or she's just decided she isn't working and that's it.

The point is she retired at 46 and you've not known her long enough to know what happened as it was at least a year before you arrived in the village.

Maybe others don't know her story or maybe they do and don't care how she got her money. Or maybe they are protecting her from your gossip.

Because, let's face it, you do seem to know an awful lot about what happens in your village given that you're working so hard every day.

Apparently you're at work all the time but you know that repair vans turn up within hours, she's sunbathing all day, the rent someone in the village paid for their houses, the fact that nine houses are owned by the HA. So either you're curtain twitching or you're nosey enough to ask questions.

I work part time and I don't know half of that about our road and I've lived here 13 years!

Ultimately you'd be better spent looking for a job that suited you rather than trying to figure out how someone is doing what you want to do. Because you may find out her 'retirement' isn't all it's cracked up to be particularly if she is actually ill.

@WhackingPhoenix

You actually asked her that?! How weird and rude of you

Her reply was very polite, I’m not sure mine would’ve been.

I don't think it's that rude to ask a friend how they're coping without much money coming in. When a friend said she only worked part time I also asked whether it was difficult. She explained the house had been paid off so she didn't need as much money. Yes, it's not really polite to ask about money, but friends do talk about these things sometimes.

@Gwenhwyfar

"YABVU to be asking around to try to find out and gossiping about her, that’s just nosy!"

But she's not asking around and gossiping, she asked the woman directly.

She asked others in her group. It's in the OP.

Next you will be saying she has the RTB on the cottage and it will cost her £20 to buy it. The jealously will eat you up OP

You aren't unreasonable to feel the way you do, I can be a jealous person and can get bitter when people seem to just have everything, it's a trait I wish I didn't have.

The way I see it, I can't help but be jealous. But I can help if I act on those feelings. I know that making assumptions will come off as bitter, so I don't, I know that prying will make me seem nosey, so I don't. I know in my rational brain it is unreasonable to hold any negative feelings towards someone just because they have things better than me, so I make a conscious effort to not let it effect how i treat them. If I force not caring and not letting the jealousy win, I find it starts to come naturally and I am able to genuinely feel happy for people.

Op, your jealousy towards this woman (whom you seem to consider is a friend) is pretty awful to be honest. Why are you examining her life and actually questioning her on it? You will one day own your house, she is in social housing, so she won’t. Her rent will still have to be paid and will continue to rise, even after you have paid off your mortgage!

Your neighbours are happy with the life they have, stop examining and resenting it. Most of all stop questioning her and discussing her with others, all that is doing is making you sound like a bitter and unpleasant person. Concentrate on your own life, not someone else’s life!

By the way, I retired in my late 50s and own my own house. However, I am disabled and in constant pain after an accident (not my fault) and live on my own, as my dh passed away not long ago! Would I swap my “life of leisure” to have my dh back and be able to work again? Of course I would!

It does sound like she is bragging though. I don’t tell anyone my business anymore. I don’t tell people if I go on holiday and where. People are way too jealous and nosy. Do you have children OP?

@Norgie

You've reminded me why I never speak to, or socialise with my neighbours. If people spent more time minding their own business instead of everyone else's, we'd all be better off. Concentrate on your own life op and keep out of theirs.

This.

@WalkingAcrossAFord

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

What a lot of old bollocks

I know someone who retired early, and I could never figure out how she managed it.

Turned out that her grandfather had started a business which ended up a household name, and he'd sold the business to a multinational but kept some shares as they invited him onto the board. She'd inherited them, the multinational offered to buy her out, and she sold her shares for millions.

All right for some, eh?

I get it - You work all the hours god sends but it’s not enough, then you see others apparently living their best lives and it hits hard .
You don’t know their situation, she could have inherited money and she’s still entitled to live in her home ,it’s worth noting that most rental properties will only rent to you if you are earning about three times the rent and living in private rental accommodation has No security, or she could be on disability benefits , plenty if hidden disabilities out there. Maybe she has a weekend job as a high class call girl .. who knows …. But one thing I’ve learned is that everything is not always as it seems and she may not be as happy as she implies .. but how she gets by is no one else’s business but hers

I would guess that she’s an investor, either with a SIPP or an ISA, although I’d guess ISA if she’s living off it now.

Mind your own business!

Op have you considered that she or her DH have a hidden condition that qualifies them for financial support?

I know someone who has osteoarthritis which isn't apparent when you see her walk or sit, but is very obvious if she has to carry anything or pick something up from the floor. She only ever mentions it to close friends. It's getting worse but you wouldn't necessarily notice if you didn't know her well.

And lots of people have illnesses that have intermittent symptoms and flare ups like ms or various forms of arthritis and you only see them on good days.

And I know someone with a mh condition that qualifies them for financial support.

There could be all sorts of reasons why this woman appears to live a charmed life but you never know what is going on behind closed doors.

Even those that do have financial freedom are not necessarily happy.

A distant family member has lived off a trust fund all of his life and he's unfulfilled as he has led a rather aimless life as a consequence of never having had to stick at anything.

And I have a friend who has sold the patent for his business which brings in a not spectacular but steady income. He is reaping the benefits now but the consequence of working so hard was a failed marriage and poor relationships with his DC.

I hope you're ok op as you sound really down about this, and having to scrimp all the time is no fun at all, but by envying this woman you are directing your energy to the wrong place

police and "mental health officers" often can retire on full pension after 30 years service. Each year after the 20th counts as double towards their pension.
Our neighbour is a former police officer. Joined at 18, retired on full pension at 48. Worked hard, didn't get a handout from anyone, and probably dealt with a lot of nasty things - I don't begrudge him.

@LadyTwinkle

What is it with all these threads lately? "My neighbour / friend / 2nd cousin once removed is living the life of Riley. I'm not going to say this out right, but I'm going to strongly insinuate, that the only way they can afford to be doing this, is to be fraudulently claiming benefits."

How about, despite what think, you don't know everything about their financial situation. And if they're not being honest with about where their 'wealth' comes from I don't blame them. You sound really judgemental.

So tired of these sly social housing/benefit bashing threads. Love to know where a social housing tenant gets repairs at a click of a finger have you seen some of the appalling conditions some people are living in (also in the private sector not just SH) As pp upthread maybe reserve your anger & resentment at the corrupt shenanigans of this government. I would look at how you can improve your life & happiness, much better than being bitter resentful & miserable.

Sounds to me like you think she's fiddling benefits somehow. Sigh. You sound really bitter OP. Maybe work on getting a new job? A word of caution, too, that I'm sure your jealousy is transparent to your friends also.

@WalkingAcrossAFord

Well, to answer a few questions, her job was working for the local authority, and she doesn't seem to spend anything on fancy clothes or grooming, but she kind of doesn't need to. She is quite attractive, natural blonde, and wears simple polo shirts and jeans and trainers.

I am also puzzled (like another poster) how they stay in social housing if they have go an inheritance or lottery win.

The local authority or housing association have no idea of your income once you've applied and been allocated social housing. Why would they? As long as you pay the rent you are there for life

Your friends have told you to drop it. You will lose them if they keeps hearing your jealousy.

Even if she lost it all tomorrow your life would be no better, houd just feel superior with no change to your life.

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.'

I actually think this is really fucking rude. I don’t work as I am disabled and you literally would not know anything was wrong with me. I have a chronic illness that flares up and sometimes I can’t get out of bed or wash myself. But you can’t tell that by looking at me. Sometimes I am fine. Maybe she is medically retired and her DP works part time to help look after her? Maybe she gets disability benefits hence why she doesn’t want to answer your questions.

I don’t tell people why I don’t work. If they mention it I just nod and smile.