To feel jealous and irrationally annoyed by this woman's life?

[WalkingAcrossAFord]

Name change for this, as I don't want it linking to my other posts.

I met this woman (my neighbour,) 3 years ago when DH and I moved into this village. DH and I have been to the pub a few times with her and her DH, and she attends 2 of the same village groups as me. She is 2 years younger than me (I'm 52, she is 50,) and she is very proud of the fact that she doesn't work, and never intends to again.

She says she 'retired' at 46 after 30 years of working and has 'paid her dues.' She said it's wonderful to not have to work, and to never have to work again.

She lives in social housing (nice cottage too, on the edge of the village overlooking fields,) and her DH works part time - 4 days a week in a supermarket, and I just can't fathom how she does is/how they do it. They have a 5 year old car, and a 25 y.o. DD who is getting married in September, and they're giving them £5000 towards the wedding. They have also just booked a holiday to Greece for June!

I've said a few times 'you must be good with money, and very good at saving,' and even once said 'how do you do it, do you cope OK with one wage?' She just smiled and said 'we do all right. I have got my own income thanks.' What income would someone get in their late 40s? Can't be a pension!

I am actually annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I have another 15 years to work in a job I absolutely loathe. DH and myself don't have a pot to piss in, we have a car that's 20 years old that's held together with sellotape, and our mortgage makes up 45% of our joint salary(s.) DH and I work 45-50 hours a week some weeks, and never get any surplus income because there is always something to pay for, and ALWAYS something going wrong with our bloody house.

We have mutual friends in our 2 groups, and she is the only one who 'retired' at 45! I have spoken to a couple of women in the group about this, and they said it's nobody's business but hers. I know they're right, but I can't get rid of this deep resentment I have for her. She has the best life; finished work in her mid 40s, potters around their huge garden, goes for walks and bike rides, meets up with friends and family/her DD once a week, draws and paints and writes, sunbathes all day (some days) on the lawn in the summer, and sometimes lies in til 10am! I have been at work for 2 hours at that point!

AIBU to feel irrationally annoyed by this woman? She seems to have a blessed life, and I don't know how she does it. It CAN'T be an inheritance or big lottery win, otherwise they wouldn't be in social housing would they?

To be blunt I’m not sure why you give a shit ! There is always someone with a bigger house more money I don’t sit wondering how or why as I’d get nothing done . Op your unhappy that’s not her fault find a way to make yourself happy , if you hate your job do something you enjoy . Resentment isn’t healthy and you will look a right miserable so and so .

Yet another SH bashing thread, MN seems to have some very skewed ideas about SH.
It is not easy to be allocated a house and it is a secure tenancy which you are not obliged to give up.
Having a mortgage is a choice and the to be frank vile comment if she needs a repair she clocks her fingers is pathetic, she does pay rent and council tax etc it's not free.
OP you sound very petty and jealous.

Akshata Murthy inherited more than a billion pounds, opted out of the UK tax system for most of her earnings, claimed £100k furlough support for her company and has a free flat in central London paid for by the tax payer. That is a woman who I feel annoyed about

You could almost be one of my neighbours describing me. They know nothing about my personal circumstances other than what they see. I ‘retired’ in my early 40s, live in a lovely three bedroom semi in a highly desirable area that is ex HA and drive a brand new car.

The house is mortgage free and I spend my days pottering about in my garden or sat ‘sunbathing.’ I’m seriously ill (neighbours wouldn’t know it and my port for feed and meds is hidden.) The car is leased from Motability. I also had a payout years ago that is in a trust. I can access it whenever needed and it cannot be taken into account for benefit purposes.

Please stop being jealous when there could be so many reasons you wouldn’t want her life. I’d swap it all to be healthy and live a few more years.

I can't be bothered reading 11 pages of people tut tutting over how you shouldn't be nosey or compare yourself to others, OP, so I'll just say I sympathize with you.

Yes, I know, intellectually, comparison is the thief of joy, blah blah.

But the thing is ... yeah, it also sucks for you. You feel stuck in a job you hate, because you weren't lucky enough to get a sweet deal with social housing. Instead you're paying through the nose for your mortgage and upkeep, and that means you don't have the extra money and time that she appears to. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person who wishes she hadn't been lucky. But why isn't there more affordable housing to go round (including mortgages not being so inflated), so all of us can have a better work-life balance?

it's the overall system that sucks ... well, not for her, because she's been lucky. But it sucks for many of the rest of us. I'm not sure I could bear to have much contact with her, not because I think she shouldn't be living her best life, but because it would just be too frustrating to be continually faced with it.

Anyway best wishes.

I have not read the full thread as I can’t type as fast as the comments!
OP - you have e given a lot of identifying details about this woman.
Her physical description (slim, blonde etc).
Type of house
Her former job
Her age
Her husband’s job
Her activities- painting and writing are two that stand out
She has a daughter getting married soon
…and … none about yourself
I suspect you are hoping people will (as some have) “Only Fans” or prostitution or something you can use to try to report her.
Maybe she IS good with money.
Maybe a lot of things.
Beak out

I reckon she has inherited a property and is renting it out and that is her income. If that’s the case, it’s understandable that you’d feel annoyed at this. Not necessarily for yourself but I bet there are very many people in your village who are struggling with private rent on low incomes, or in overcrowded multi generational family homes, etc who are much more in need of an affordable home than she is.

@M0RVEN social housing isn't run by the council its run by a HA and they run on rent and service charges
Not all are £350 rent, they also do shared ownership and other types
Quick google will tell you
My rent is £550 a month 3 bed semi

Inheritance I'd say. It doesn't mean to say they'll be comfortable in retirement.

@CousinKrispy

I can't be bothered reading 11 pages of people tut tutting over how you shouldn't be nosey or compare yourself to others, OP, so I'll just say I sympathize with you.

Yes, I know, intellectually, comparison is the thief of joy, blah blah.

But the thing is ... yeah, it also sucks for you. You feel stuck in a job you hate, because you weren't lucky enough to get a sweet deal with social housing. Instead you're paying through the nose for your mortgage and upkeep, and that means you don't have the extra money and time that she appears to. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person who wishes she hadn't been lucky. But why isn't there more affordable housing to go round (including mortgages not being so inflated), so all of us can have a better work-life balance?

it's the overall system that sucks ... well, not for her, because she's been lucky. But it sucks for many of the rest of us. I'm not sure I could bear to have much contact with her, not because I think she shouldn't be living her best life, but because it would just be too frustrating to be continually faced with it.

Anyway best wishes.

But the point is, OP doesn't know that she's been lucky. I have a good friend who came into a very substantial sum when she was widowed extremely young. As in mid 20s. I know other people retired through seriously ill health. One in particular looks to be having a great life online and is very cheery but I wouldn't swap with them. She could just be frugal. This is why there is no sense in scrutinising or comparing. OP just needs to make the best of her own circumstances .

Life is essentially unfair and always seems especially so when you feel like you are struggling yourself.

There are huge issues with housing in the UK at the moment which are having a negative impact on many people.

@OnaBegonia doesn't it just
Most have no idea how its funded, that different prices in differeNt areas etc etc
I live in a ha house i can't get a mortgage , i have spent thousands on it over the years
I have to carpet, furnish , decorate , replace fence panels , maintain gardens etc
We earn better money now than when we got it , by why the hell would i give it up to go and rent private and potentially have to move us and my kids every 6 months

I wish my rent was £350 🤣, I’m in HA and my rent has is £600pm

As far as I’m aware you can not remain in a HA property if you own other property but if you were to inherit some money you would not have to move. If I was to I had at or win money I would probably by my HA house (I have right to buy but I know this has been stopped in many places now).

@EmeraldShamrock1

Think of the future, your DC inherits from your investment, her DC won't there'll be nothing to sell.

Does not mean that there are not other assets, that they will inherit, of course.

@Lovemusic33 yes that is my understanding , you cannot have a second residence
I don't have rtb just right to acquire and i would love to own my own house but I don't envy those who do , we are dealt a different hand on life

She probably gets some sort of benefits. I know at least two people who look completely healthy but have a hidden disability which gets them about £300 per week in benefits. Neither is severely disabled, they exaggerate their symptoms to get the benefits.

My mother used to be like you about my mother-in-law...they were only a year apart in age, but the difference was my mother chose to be a SAHM and my mother-in-law went back to education when my husband started school and spent his primary school years training to be a teacher from scratch. She started working as a high school teacher when he started high school.

MIL worked extremely hard, and reaped the benefits - good holidays, nice house, etc. My mother on the other hand, lost the family home when my father left her for OW the minute my youngest brother turned 18. She was incredibly bitter about my MIL, and was always making bitchy remarks about her...right up until the time my MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 68. MIL was still working as a supply teacher at that time...she died 18 months later, 6 months after turning 70...she'd never got to enjoy her retirement.

That was 11 years ago, my mother is still alive and for an 80 year old, is in reasonable health.

Redirect your energy into making your own life better, stop being jealous of someone else's. It's not doing you any favours.

This is why I don’t discuss my personal business with people other than my DH. A lot of people are very nosey and pretend they are happy for you when really they’re jealous and then will chat your business all over the place.

DH and I are doing alright for ourselves. There’s one particular couple who are very nosey and like to comment on us going on holiday ‘again?!’, ‘saw your new car very fancy isn’t it?’ (we’d heard from a mutual couple about how this other couple were speculating over our finances and purchases) etc etc. We just smile and nod. You can see they’re dying to work out how we can afford it all. DH said the husband of the couple was even perusing his LinkedIn page for clues.

You're really rather jealous aren't you OP?
No other word for it

Yabu
If you commented to me that I must he good at managing money, which is clearly a veiled hint to find out my business you would be told where to go.

Have you considered doing something about your jealousy?

@NotTheWomanIWas

You're really rather jealous aren't you OP? No other word for it

How clever of you to spot that. Maybe you picked it up from the title that the OP gave her thread?

Have you ever heard the expression, "what's mine and what's theirs?" - well, this is all yours. Nothing to do with this woman, really. It's your own unhappiness and discontent that's the issue. If you don't work on your own wellbeing, you will always feel like this. There will always be someone you can jealously obsess over, if you're that way inclined.

@saraclara yup.... multitasking. Apologies.

Wasn’t there a similar post to this last week where the OP requested to have it taken down? Something about someone living in social housing and how she seemed to have a great life?