Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 14:14

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 11/04/2022 14:15

Time got away, he genuinely forgot to feed his child, as if, I let my kid go hungry on purpose because I am lazy and leave everything up to other people to sort out.
Sorry to hear that even though your DH's ex has left him she remains in a financially abusive relationship with him.
He's controlling her, punishing her for his own unreasonable behaviour, by emotionally abusing her and his own child. Vile. So many red flags here for your own relationship with an abusive man.

EatTheToast · 11/04/2022 14:17

Well atleast now you can see your husband for the deadbeat that he is and adjust your life accordingly.

OakRowan · 11/04/2022 14:17

Your hands are tied? Give over. Recognise You're living with an abusive man who neglects his own child.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 14:17

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
No, they're really not.
AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 14:17

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
Your hands are tied? What does that mean? You're still defending him in all your posts
ikeepseeingit · 11/04/2022 14:19

In this situation what I actually see is her mum being taken for a ride. She's not being given the child maintenance her daughter is entitled to, and now she's fed up with not being able to feed her own child.

I think your husband needs to take a good look at himself and realise he's messed up here. He doesn't have her very often compared to her mum, so he needs to be contributing. He needs to remember that the money is for his daughter not his ex and that is what she has kicked off about.

ZoeCM · 11/04/2022 14:20

I genuinely can't believe the number of fathers who think they're doing their ex a favour by looking after their own children!

ikeepseeingit · 11/04/2022 14:22

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
Not going to lie, I would leave a man refusing to pay for his own daughter. That's horrendous OP. Will he not even pay what he can afford now, so that his daughter will be fed this week? :(
Bigsislookingforadvice · 11/04/2022 14:22

Is the money agreed by themselves or child maintenance ? Judy putting the other side here but if he doesn't earn his calculation would reduce so the fact they have an agreement to back pay is positive for all parties providing he dies pay it.
Both sounds childish and neither are coming out on a good light here. You shouldn't forget to feed your child - equally in if it's a one off its hardly worth such drama and telling the poor child mother is still upset a day later. Both parties need to grow up before the girl realises both parties are only interested in their needs & don't out her first

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 11/04/2022 14:22

Your husband is the shit. Not about the dinner but holding the money (his DAUGHTER'S money) back to throw his weight around with his ex. And not even money due now but money he OWES her and hasn't paid!! What a twat

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/04/2022 14:23

I'm sure missing the dinner is one of many things that slipped his mind as a parent.

So what if he has an extra day occasionally.

I agree ex has been patient with the money, him threatening her withholding moneys is disgusting.

LovePoppy · 11/04/2022 14:23

You guys all suck

That poor child

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 14:23

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
What do you see in him?

And don't have any kids with him yourself.

Unanananana · 11/04/2022 14:24

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
What a fucking prince. Aren't you just so lucky and proud! Hmm

Maybe you need to take a long, hard, realistic look at the 'man' you are married to. How that can be attractive is beyond me.

billy1966 · 11/04/2022 14:26

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
You would be well advised to look very very hard at who you have married.

He is an absolute waster.

No man who thinks maintenance is optional when it suits him is anything but a waster.

He is feeding himself before his child.

How long has he owed this money?

Has he eaten chocolate, had alcohol, had a take away, while his child is going without?

If YOU have a shred of decency you will try and understand that only utten wasters view maintenance as optional.

That poor child.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 14:27

@OakRowan

Time got away, he genuinely forgot to feed his child, as if, I let my kid go hungry on purpose because I am lazy and leave everything up to other people to sort out. Sorry to hear that even though your DH's ex has left him she remains in a financially abusive relationship with him. He's controlling her, punishing her for his own unreasonable behaviour, by emotionally abusing her and his own child. Vile. So many red flags here for your own relationship with an abusive man.
No they are not. You ned to read him the riot act and tell him how selfish he is being. Otherwise you're just as bad as him.
WabbitsAndWeasels · 11/04/2022 14:27

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
So what's the plan now? Clearly your DH (and possibly you) view dsd as a nuisance and a burden to your usual way of life. Ex is making a stand (that I support as clearly it's a long term issue) and while she might give in as she will miss her daughter it's not going to help the situation.

You could put pressure on your husband to be an adult and fulfill his responsibilities as a parent including paying the outstanding maintenance and making plans to pay every single month in full. If you have a joint account you could just transfer her the money yourself and tell him he's been an arsehole and needs to step up in future.

What happens during the months he earns less? I'm now wondering if this controlling behaviour towards the ex extends to the OP. Who makes up the shortfall on the off months without even taking maintenance into account?

Guzy · 11/04/2022 14:27

I think you should pay as a gesture of goodwill, then all will be sorted.

ThisUserIsNamed · 11/04/2022 14:28

Your husband is a dick.
One day he'll start being controlling and abusive to you too. Hope you have a long hard think about the piece of shit you're married too. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. Poor DC and her mum.

OakRowan · 11/04/2022 14:28

The title of this this thread should be 'To think DH is taking his anger out on his DD'.

ThisUserIsNamed · 11/04/2022 14:28

@OakRowan

The title of this this thread should be 'To think DH is taking his anger out on his DD'.
Absolutely
BadNomad · 11/04/2022 14:28

If ex can't afford to feed the child because your DP won't give her the money she's due then of course it's on him. What kind of father forgets to feed his child and then withholds maintenance when called out on it. Shocking.

Autumndays123 · 11/04/2022 14:29

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
To be honest, a woman who stays in a relationship with a man after witnessing this sort of behaviour is as much of a disgusting human being as he is.
girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 14:30

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
So how's he proposing to pay the bills if he's not earning?

I hope she takes him to court.