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Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Ski4130 · 11/04/2022 13:25

Your husband doesn’t come out of this looking great. Not paying child maintenance in the first place is low, threatening to withhold it as punishment is even lower. Have a word with him, the only person losing out is his daughter, and if he can’t see that then I’d be really worried.

Autumndays123 · 11/04/2022 13:29

Either OP is a troll or is one of the most delusional people I have ever encountered. You genuinely think your DH's ex is in the wrong here? Like your brain is actually coming to that conclusion based on the situation? Mind blown

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 13:29

"What on earth attracted you to this deadbeat cunt?"

"Charming."

It's a good question.

Fernshire · 11/04/2022 13:29

@constintine

Please not SD doesn't have any idea this is all going on. It's over text.
Don't be so naive stupid ! She knows she didn't get fed that evening. She knows her mum is upset about that and she more than likely knows her mum is struggling with money . She will be able to figure it out that it's all because of her dad eventually!
arethereanyleftatall · 11/04/2022 13:32

Crikey, you have some rose tinted spectacles on with regard to your husband. I hope for your (and ctb) sake they fall off before you have a child together.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 11/04/2022 13:33

Your husband only has her so many days a month and 'time got away from him' how hard is it to remember to feed your child? Any chance he did it on purpose knowing mum would kick off and he could withhold the maintenance? You've got a front row seat of his behaviour as a dad and an ex so please don't have any children with him, this could well be you in the not too distant future, you might then feel a bit more sympathy towards your sd's mum if she's currently struggling too.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 11/04/2022 13:34

Presumably nobody's going without in your house whilst he's not paying CM?
When DH had a spell out of work we cobbled everything together that we could, including using my salary, so that there was no break in CM for my DSS's. Wake up OP.

kirinm · 11/04/2022 13:37

If it had just been a case of forgetting to feed her, I'd say the reaction was a bit over the top. But it is pretty obvious that by not making a big deal about the lack of child maintenance, "forgetting" to feed SD is probably the last straw. And then threatening to withhold maintenance that she has been kind enough not to kick off about is quite obviously out of order. I would have gone absolutely nuts about that too. Her message was obviously written in anger but your DH seems to get away with doing very little in regards to parenting as it is. If he was my DH, I'd be embarrassed and encouraging him to sort his shit out and pay his ex.

If his part time job means he can't fulfil his obligations, he needs a new job.

2catsandhappy · 11/04/2022 13:38

I would LOVE to hear the ex's side to this. I would be wondering what she and dd have gone without with because of the "£400 odd" missing money. I really hope she goes direct payment through cms.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 11/04/2022 13:39

Ffs if he can't work as she changes contact hours out of spite so he loses income how can he pay, tbh they both sound petty and he was work around a 9 year old easy

TheOriginalEmu · 11/04/2022 13:43

He owes HIS CHILD 400 pounds. Then didn’t even feed her on one of the paltry 8 nights a MONTH he has her?

No wonder she’s mad and lost the plot, I would too. He needs to realise she’s his child too.

Lachimolala · 11/04/2022 13:47

So he a fortune behind in maintenance (maintenance which he withholds when in a mood) he views parenting his own daughter as ‘doing a favour’ for his ex, he forgets to feed his own child (the one thing she asked him to do) on top of all this he only has his child a poxy 8 nights per month?

How can you be attracted to such a colossal loser?

I don’t agree with her decision but it sounds to me like she’s finally reached the end of her ether with this idiot man who refuses to even remotely parent his child or adhere to his financial responsibilities. I sincerely hope she got her lie in this morning, sounds like she deserves one.

Chickychoccyegg · 11/04/2022 13:52

Your dh sounds an absolutely appalling dad, your poor dsd.
How can you possibly think he's right? He only has her 8 days a month , owes her mum maintenance that he's refusing to give, didn't feed her because time got away from him, wtf, bet he remembers to feed himself.
And now he's forced to step up, have his daughter full time until he pays, well why shouldn't he?, he needs a serious reality check, I can only imagine you don't see dsd as part of your family, otherwise you'd see how abhorrent this all is.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 13:53

@Beamur

Your DH has fairly minimal contact, can't feed his DD on time as per a simple request and owes Mum a shed load of CSA he doesn't intend to pay soon. Fucking hell. He deserves a complete bollocking and needs to pull his finger out. Poor kid, Mum must be on her knees hence her reaction.
And if he promises to do something he needs to find a method of reminding himself

Bet he doesn't forget the jobs he's agreed to do

NumberTheory · 11/04/2022 13:55

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

^^
This, in your OP implies that it is actually possible for your DH to pay what he owes. Which makes his late payment pretty cuntish and suggests that he really doesn’t pull his weight. Is he responsible for DD during any normal working hours? Or does he get to cut his maintenance by 8 nights a month without taking on any responsibility at all for the most significant cost of raising a child in the early years?

His payments will be negligible compared to the costs his DD’s mum is taking on in terms o both in paying out cash and in lost opportunity.

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 13:55

And perhaps if “time had got away from him” because he was doing something with his child then she’d have been more understanding, but she was out playing in the street. Hardly a taxing situation for a parent

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 13:55

@Dutch1e

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance

Or months of being the primary parent. If he can't provide for his child with money he must provide for her with time.

Imagine being 9 years old and knowing your basic fucking subsistence (dinner) is too much of a financial burden for either parent to bear. Your H wins the gold medal for arseholery.

Then he finds work he can do the rest of the year/earns enough to cover the whole year/gets a new job altogether
whatuser · 11/04/2022 13:57

It doesn't matter what the state of the relationship between the parents is.. he still has to pay. Why are you backing him in this when he's being a nob?

Honeyroar · 11/04/2022 14:00

If his work only pays him an income certain months of the year he needs to get another job to pay for his childcare responsibilities during those other months.

While she was out of order demanding a lie in and changing pick up times when he’s swapped his day for her to have a day out (despite him only getting a few days a month with his child), his childish response that he’d withhold HER money was what lit the touch paper!

PicaK · 11/04/2022 14:01

He didn't feed his child. That's utterly shit. It's bloody basic parenting.
He hasn't provided for his child. Literally not provided the barest minimum for her.
He is a cunt.
Why you're with him is definitely a question you should be asking yourself

Lndnmummy · 11/04/2022 14:01

You can not "forget" to feed your own child. The world doesn't work like that.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/04/2022 14:05

@DrSbaitso

"What on earth attracted you to this deadbeat cunt?"

"Charming."

It's a good question.

What attracted you to this delightful chap who is happy to ignore his own daughter’s needs (both forgetting to feed her, and the missing maintenance money)?

Is that a more acceptable question, @constintine?

Beautiful3 · 11/04/2022 14:06

He shouldn't have said it. That money is to help her afford looking after the daughter. So she's effectively saying I can't afford to have her without it, you keep her then.

lovingtheheat · 11/04/2022 14:10

@Beautiful3

He shouldn't have said it. That money is to help her afford looking after the daughter. So she's effectively saying I can't afford to have her without it, you keep her then.
This. I'm astounded that you don't understand this despite people drawstring it to your attention.
lovingtheheat · 11/04/2022 14:10

*drawing