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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Abigail12345654321 · 11/04/2022 14:30

Make sure he does or sorts out all the childcare himself - don't prop up his appalling behaviour by taking it on for him. Make him cook for his child and clean for his child and do bedtimes and washing clothes - all the things her mother normally does. His job now, not yours.

And tell him if he doesn't apologise to his ex and pay the outstanding arrears, you will leave him.

See. Hands not tied.

Pixies74 · 11/04/2022 14:31

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

They are BOTH out of order and both sound really awful, to be honest. How terrible their poor daughter must feel, to be used as a way to 'punish' the other parent...
This.
CombatBarbie · 11/04/2022 14:32

I'm ignoring the food bit as that's a minor error on his part.

How is the CM worked out, if he's self employed which is mainly dictated by the seasons how does he work out what to give?

Namechanger617 · 11/04/2022 14:35

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money Grin

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 14:37

@Namechanger617

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money Grin
No she's inconveniencing him like he's inconveniencing her - constantly.

She lets him screw around with money and have minimal contact. She asks for a tiny favour in return and he basically tells her to go fuck herself.

She's clearly had enough of him being a useless shit. If her daughter turned up at the door she wouldn't send her away.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 11/04/2022 14:38

@Bigsislookingforadvice

Is the money agreed by themselves or child maintenance ? Judy putting the other side here but if he doesn't earn his calculation would reduce so the fact they have an agreement to back pay is positive for all parties providing he dies pay it. Both sounds childish and neither are coming out on a good light here. You shouldn't forget to feed your child - equally in if it's a one off its hardly worth such drama and telling the poor child mother is still upset a day later. Both parties need to grow up before the girl realises both parties are only interested in their needs & don't out her first
CMS calculates on your yearly income. The figure he has to pay each month is calculated on his yearly income. So if he only earns for 6 months of the year, the calculation uses that income and just splits the payments into 12.

He needs to be putting aside the money each month so he can pay during the months he doesn't earn because it is calculated on his yearly income. So the figure is fair.

He has to pay a certain amount each year. They split it into 12 payments but if he cant plan ahead and keep the money aside then he should split it into 6 and pay it all during the 6 months he earns.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 14:38

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.

You seem pretty decent to be actually on here trying to find a solution.
Which is why I’m so surprised that you haven’t kicked him out as he sounds like a massive twat.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 14:38

@WonderfulYou

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.

You seem pretty decent to be actually on here trying to find a solution.
Which is why I’m so surprised that you haven’t kicked him out as he sounds like a massive twat.

Do you honestly think she seems decent? I think she seems like she couldn't care less about her husbands responsibility to his child.
catsanddigs · 11/04/2022 14:39

@Namechanger617

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money Grin
How would you suggest the mum deals with it? It's not ideal and as the OP said it's likely mum will back out of it but at this point it's the only leverage she has. 'Give me the money you owe me and I'll take DD back and go back to original plans'. Do you think the mum will want to be away from her DD? Especially if they're close. She's clearly desperate and will probably be feeling shit about it.
Autumndays123 · 11/04/2022 14:40

@WonderfulYou

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.

You seem pretty decent to be actually on here trying to find a solution.
Which is why I’m so surprised that you haven’t kicked him out as he sounds like a massive twat.

To be honest, I think the OP is here hoping for a pile on on the ex, rather than a solution
WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 14:40

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money

@Namechanger617

If she can’t afford to feed her because the dad isn’t paying maintenance what is she supposed to do?

Do you really think a child should go hungry?
Or do you think they’re better off staying where they can get a meal?

You must have wealthy parents to help you out if you can’t fathom that single parents find it financially difficult raising a child.

Horst · 11/04/2022 14:40

I mean if she cannot afford to have the child home what exactly is he expecting.

He decided he cannot afford to give her money and that’s ok but suddenly it’s wrong when she cannot afford to support the child.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 11/04/2022 14:40

@Namechanger617

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money Grin
So how long should a parent be allowed to continue not providing for this child before they're expected to start pulling their weight in other ways? It doesn't sound like contact is court ordered (surely that would've been mentioned) so therefore she's under no legal obligation to have the child today. She's left the child with another parent in a safe and known environment while she catches up on some sleep and university work. Yes it inconveniences the OP's DH but the lack of maintenance inconveniences the ex.

I agree she's gone about it the wrong way but DH is barely providing for his child and only when she's with him. He's not even meeting the minimum standard expected from a non-resident parent and hasn't been for some time.

itsgettingweird · 11/04/2022 14:41

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
Tied to what?

I'd be untying them, opening the front door and walking out and away from this deadbeat father.

Seriously - is this someone you'd want to spend your future with and maybe have children with in the future?

Neverreturntoathread · 11/04/2022 14:41

Wow. Your DH has behaved APPALLINGLY here and this is all 100% his fault.

He only parents his daughter 8 days a month and didn’t even bother to feed her as agreed, despite being reminded many times. Now to get revenge on his ex he’s refusing to pay for his daughter’s food. What absolute controlling abusive scum. He needs to grow up and realise that parenting his daughter and paying for her to eat isn’t some ‘favour’.

I feel very sorry for you being married to him and even sorrier for his daughter who is being treated like crap by all of you.

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 14:43

@Namechanger617

Hahaha typical mumsnet. A woman is refusing to let her daughter come home but on here the only hang up is child maintenance money Grin
She’s clearly sick of her ex being a lazy prick and taking the piss.

Giving him a taste of his own medicine may be exactly what he needs.

CornishLamb · 11/04/2022 14:43

Why doesn’t your DH spend more time with his daughter?

When it isn’t his Wednesday, and then not his weekend, he must go almost a fortnight without seeing her!

If her mum is doing university work, and is now expected to have DD on her own for the whole two week half term, she is probably tired and stressed.

If she goes through the CMA and he doesn’t pay on them, she can pass it to them and then your DH will pay another 20% on top for admin fees.

CornishLamb · 11/04/2022 14:43

*on time

Wheresthebeach · 11/04/2022 14:43

They are both out of order. Poor kid. But I think her mother refusing to have her is very hurtful and not acceptable. I get forgetting the dinner, my DH can be like that, but the money is unreasonable.

They both, as my mother use to say, need their heads banging together.

jampim · 11/04/2022 14:44

Well, your DH is punishing his daughter by withholding the money he legally owes toward her food and upkeep.

His ex might be a bit annoying, but his behaviour here is far worse.

Why does he only work part of the year? Does his salary balance out as a decent amount?

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2022 14:45

Wow. Both parents are spectacularly in the wrong.
Both cutting off their nose to spite their face too.

TheHoleNineYards · 11/04/2022 14:47

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
They’re not. You have options.
  1. speak to her yourself (or if you have access to family money, pay her yourself)
  2. speak to your husband again and point out what a dick he is being
  3. dump him

Genuinely, I’d choose 3. What can you possibly find attractive about a man who doesn’t feed his child, hasn’t paid maintenance and is bribing his ex? He sounds awful.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2022 14:47

@Guzy

I think you should pay as a gesture of goodwill, then all will be sorted.
Gesture of goodwill??
AmyDudley · 11/04/2022 14:49

Do the two of you have the money in a joint account or a least some of it? I would get the money, and take it and the SD round to her mother and hand both over with an apology. And deal with your Dh's awfulness later.
The only really important thing here is that your SD does not get wind of this dreadful behaviour and that somehow a relationship of some kind is maintained between her parents. They are both putting their needs above the child's.
But I suspect if in only one weekend your Dh has managed to fail to feed his child and has tried to intimidate his ex financially, then this is not the first of his misdemeanors, and his Ex is at the end of her tether with him.
he needs to seriously take a look at himself and his attitude towards his parental responsibilities. His behaviour really really stinks. And his DD will have a very low opinion of him once she grows old enough to see how he withheld maintenance.
And his Ex isn't preventing him working - she's refused to have the child back for one day - OK that's silly of her but as I say, straw that broke the camels back most likely - but one day of him having to cancel work doesn't make up the £400+ he owes. That's just nonsense, he's a total bullshitter.

peachgreen · 11/04/2022 14:49

I can't believe this isn't a reverse. Bonkers.

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