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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 12:59

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

What on earth attracted you to this deadbeat cunt?
Charming
OP posts:
Momijin · 11/04/2022 13:00

This is typical. Expect the mum to be the responsible parent whilst the father can cherry pick his responsibilities. He should have fed her and he should pay the £400!

harriethoyle · 11/04/2022 13:01

OP you've asked what you should do. You should tell your DP that he is bang out of order threatening to withhold child maintainence from his child's mother, and that he needs to apologise immediately and fulsomely. He then needs to get up to date with his CM which is an obligation not a discretionary extra.

He is so out of order it's untrue and I am astonished you don't see that.

EatTheToast · 11/04/2022 13:02

Do you have DC together? How would you feel if he neglected them and said 'sorry, cba to find a job that pays the bills this month, kids will have to go without'?

Chilesstanton · 11/04/2022 13:03

Why did you post in aibu when you’ve already made up your mind? Incidentally, you and your DH ABVVVVVU.

CPL593H · 11/04/2022 13:04

Simple question OP, why doesn't your husband get a fill in job for the months he can't work at the other one, so he doesn't fall badly behind with the maintenance payments for his child? As others have said, there is work around at the moment and there has been for a while.

TeaStory · 11/04/2022 13:04

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

Tbh kids that age generally sort their own lunch out. I know my niece runs in, grabs something and runs out again.

However your partner is benefitting massively by only having his dd 8 nights a month and being worked around to facilitate that. The reality of parenting just isnt like that.

To you it probably seems unreasonable and petty. Refusing to have her own child back over a missed lunch. But lets face it this isn't just about that.

OP said dinner, not lunch, and implies it was late on Saturday that SD was being picked up. So I assume a proper cooked meal was meant, and what parent would expect their nine year old to have to cook a dinner for themselves?!
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/04/2022 13:05

So he can’t work full time, only in certain months can be work Hmm has his daughter every other week and doesn’t pay maintenance because he can’t work

She isn’t actively doing anything wrong she’s pulled him up on his BS behaviour and fed up with his BS behaviour.

Your husband is a selfish prick who need to put his daughter first.

Loads of my friends husband work 2-3 jobs in order to provide for their children, why isn’t your husband doing this?

He sounds absolutely useless tbh, why should the ex wife put his needs over hers when he’s clearly showed he’s a Disney dad!!!

buttercrinkle · 11/04/2022 13:10

Your DH is being a twat.

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/04/2022 13:13

She was being petty/unfair initially by refusing to have her daughter back on Mon morning as agreed purely because of the dinner situation the night before. Really, DH should have organised dinner, particularly as he knew she was being picked up but if it was a genuine mistake, it's not the end of the world.

Refusing to pay the money owed is out of order though!! That money is for his daughter and in fairness, it sounds like her mum is generally reasonable about waiting due to the nature of his work.

Both are now being extremely childish and unfair to their daughter. She is a child not a toy! He needs to be the bigger person and apologise and pay up. Not for the sake of his ex but for his daughter.

PunchMunch · 11/04/2022 13:13

@constintine

Please not SD doesn't have any idea this is all going on. It's over text.
So her mum has covered for her Dad by not letting on to her that one of the reasons things are way tight is because her father hasn't been paying child support? He might find that stops after he's behaved like having his child is a favour to the mum on top of threatening to not pay the child support he's allowed to mount up.

What reason has he given his daughter as to why she's staying with you two for a while?

MarceyMc · 11/04/2022 13:15

Sorry OP you are delusional. The ex isn't doing this because of the missed dinner (although she will be rightly pissed off about that given that you only have SD 8 nights a month), it's because your DH owes her £400 and is using it as a weapon against her. Flabbergasted that you really can't see how disgusting this behaviour is!

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/04/2022 13:15

My concern would be that maybe the mum literally cannot afford to feed her daughter hence her being so angry/stressed about her not having been fed and with the threat of no money it’s tipped her over because she literally cannot afford to feed her so would rather leave her somewhere safe where her daughters needs can be met?

Ultimately he cannot withhold maintenance and if he does I wouldn’t blame her for going to CSA and getting it enforced.

She asked him something very reasonable to do and he completely ignored her request so I don’t blame her for being annoyed but she should have stuck to the agreed arrangements- however maybe by feeding her on the Saturday evening she couldn’t feed her on the Monday?

Ultimately he needs to step up make sure he pays what he owes asap and ensure that he keeps to agreed plans as well.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2022 13:17

'don't expect the money any time soon'

What did he expect would happen? He basically said that he wasnt going to pay her because HE forgot something. All it needed was an ok I will feed her dinner.

He needs to pay her the maintenance SHE is owed. It is as simple as that.

It is also noticeable that this is the holidays and it is clear that she was expected to take full responsibility for that.

He cannot simply have 8 days and no holidays and not pay

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 13:17

He didn't 'not bother' time escaped him

Oh, well, that's OK then.

And not paying his maintenance for his daughter because his ex annoyed him?

I wonder why they split up.

DoItAfraid · 11/04/2022 13:18

OP how do you sleep with a man who treats his own child like this?

CatkinToadflax · 11/04/2022 13:19

That poor little girl ☹️

FingersofFish · 11/04/2022 13:20

It sounds like SD mum is at the end of her tether. I would feel similar and I suspect this isn't the first time he's pulled a stunt like this. You can't forget to feed a 9yo, you also can't justify failing to pay maintenance. He sounds awful.

GivenchyDahhling · 11/04/2022 13:20

I find it beyond comprehension that you could type all of that out and not realise it is your 'D'H who is being the most unreasonable in all of this - refusing to pay for his child, money that is owed, because he can't get his own way?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 13:20

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

Tbh kids that age generally sort their own lunch out. I know my niece runs in, grabs something and runs out again.

However your partner is benefitting massively by only having his dd 8 nights a month and being worked around to facilitate that. The reality of parenting just isnt like that.

To you it probably seems unreasonable and petty. Refusing to have her own child back over a missed lunch. But lets face it this isn't just about that.

Erm... I'll bet she'll know that she didn't get fed at the weekend and that her Mum is skint because hr Dad won't pay his maintenance. Wake up, OP.

And protect yourself because he'll do this to you too.

impossible · 11/04/2022 13:21

What you should do is tell DH he is bang out of order and should pay his ex immediately. I think you have been caught up in his narrative, which must be why you can't see how appalling his behavior is. He is not hard done to and he is not fulfilling his obligations.

Try to find some neutrality. He seems to be looking for excuses to be wound up (or possibly not to work). It's shocking that instead of paying support for his daughter he would rather miss work and in doing reduce his ability to pay.

If forgetting to feed SD was an oversight he should simply apologize. Neglecting to pay his debts however isn't an oversight - it's a deliberate choice and reflects very badly on him. He needs to step up. DS may not know what's going on now but as she gets older these bad feelings will become more and more apparent to her.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 13:21

His only option will be to pay her the £400 today and ask if she’ll reconsider due to him working.

You are meant to be the voice of reason here OP.
As you are not as emotionally involved as them two, you can be the one to tell him that it’s not acceptable being so behind with maintenance payments as that’s for food for his DD and if he can’t afford it then he needs to be having her more do she doesn’t go without.

Obviously he should realise this himself but it sounds as though there are still too many feelings involved for him to be able to do something for his daughter without trying to punish the mother.

nativityplayreject · 11/04/2022 13:22

OP - you do realise that "time escaped him" just means that he prioritised doing other things over feeding his daughter.

He had a fixed amount of time and plenty of things to do but feeding his child wasn't considered important enough to be one of the things at the top of the list as essential. It all comes down to priorities.

Fireflygal · 11/04/2022 13:23

Your H was out of order in the first instance. The Ex said she had reminded him several times. It was important to her.

The Ex was asking for a break (and maybe some payback) but your H's text really escalated the situation. He can't withhold money he owes for CMS. That's abusive.

If you can't see the difference I think you need to look at your standards. Also a man who turns on his ex (mum of child) will ultimately turn on you...if you hack him off. He clearly has a temper and is vengeful.

I hope he sees the error of his ways and handles the situation more maturely by apologising for forgetting about feeding his daughter and the threat of withholding money. I imagine the Ex is exasperated by his behaviour and guess it isn't a one off.

RightOnTheEdge · 11/04/2022 13:24

YABVU for accusing the mother of taking her anger out on your sd when your husband is doing exactly the same by withholding money! The audacity is astounding!
Does he not realise that by not paying maintenance it's his daughter that is losing out? That money is to feed and clothe her and keep a roof over her head. He's a disgrace.
The ex's reaction doesn't make her sound great but she's probably been pushed to the edge by this lazy twat who hardly works but still only sees his kid the bare minimum.
Why have you not answered anyone who has asked why he doesn't get another job in the months he can't work?