To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

[constintine]

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

Are you proud of his behaviour? Do you look at him and think wow, you're a prince. I am so much more respect for you now.

What mother refuses to have her child back?
One who has absolutely enough of a feckless ex who thinks he has fuck all obligation to his child and that food is optional?

Maybe she was hoping to give him a shock and make him think about what it takes to actually raise a child rather than have one for a few sleepovers and chuck them a sandwich when they remember.

I think your husband has forgotten that food cost money and he owes money. Honestly he sounds horrible.

@constintine

Mum on way to pick up SD so all is well on that front I suppose.

Oh I don’t know, if I was your OH I would have told the child to walk home……… what a lazy child she is turning into, first asking for food, now expecting to be picked up. Next thing you know she will be asking to have a bed inside the house. Kids eh, who’d have’em.

(Clearly not your OH is probably the answer to that.)

@custardbear

He's a man child playing shitty games - he's not at liberty to 'pay when he feels like it' he has a child ffs! I'll bet he still gets his needs sorted before paying his child - deadbeat

This.

And you're defending him.

Just wow!

And I'm usually defending SMs on these threads but you're one of the reasons I suspect people get so annoyed about deadbeat dads and SMs. The poor girl! Oh and btw it's not her child, it's their child.

@viques actually, in law, it is a compensation. It was bought in by the Tory government the 80’s to discourage men from leaving marriages as single women were expensive to the state.

This is why it is a % of what he earns. Which is also why, some fathers pay nothing it £2.50 a month and other men (Peter Jones from dragons den for example) pay £10,000 a month.

Why do some children cost more than others to raise?

If it was about feeding and clothing children in their father’s absence then it would be a set rate as child benefit it. Surely?

I couldn't wait to get to the comments, as I KNEW what the response would be. My sentiments exactly, seems that 100% of us think he is a dick. I can't believe the OP is trying to justify his actions.

I don't get what job he has that he can only do for half the year. I get that some jobs are reliant on dry weather such as building, but all the tradies that I know that work outside most or the time schedule other types of work during the winter months such as indoor renovations. And even if he absolutely cant do his main job in the winter why cant he pick up something else like deliveries to ensure his child is fed.

Sounds a right lazy, self centered to me.

Hands down the most shocking OP I have ever read

A really disturbing insight in to how some non RP operate.

@DropYourSword

So that gives her the right to say she's not taking her child back?

As much right as your DH had to say "don't expect the money anytime soon".

It sounds like this poor woman is being driven mad if she's got to this point.

If he's missing work because she's refusing to pick the child up how is he expected to pay?

I hope the poor kid doesn't have his surname. What an embarrasment to be associated with him.

Forgetting to feed his child - not a big deal wtf

Your DH is a fucking arsehole. How can you 'forget' to feed your own child? It's his responsibility when she is with him to ensure that time 'doesn't run away from him', that's a shit excuse, she should have been his priority.

He owes his ex money. It's not her problem where he gets it from and the fact that you are defending this utter fucking twat says that you are very well suited. That poor kid.

[quote Narwhalelife]@viques actually, in law, it is a compensation. It was bought in by the Tory government the 80’s to discourage men from leaving marriages as single women were expensive to the state.

This is why it is a % of what he earns. Which is also why, some fathers pay nothing it £2.50 a month and other men (Peter Jones from dragons den for example) pay £10,000 a month.

Why do some children cost more than others to raise?

If it was about feeding and clothing children in their father’s absence then it would be a set rate as child benefit it. Surely?[/quote]
It sounds like you're defending this guy not paying towards his child's care and upbringing. Do you think it's just the mother responsibility or?

If he's missing work because she's refusing to pick the child up how is he expected to pay?

He's supposed to arrange childcare and juggle parenting and working just like resident parents have to do 🤷🏽‍♀️
Honestly the life of a non-resident parent is charmed isn't it?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

It’s not compensation, it’s just providing for their child across two separate households.

Separate the two issues.

1- what time did the mum pick up your SD? 6pm fair enough, 7/8pm onwards is too late to have not had dinner and I wouldn't blame her for being pissed off.

2- your husband needs to find the money to pay what he owes. It's not for the mum, its for his daughters needs, and he is a twat for refusing it because he is pissed off at his ex.

@ancientgran He can find childcare while he works. Just like the child's mother has to do while she works/is at uni. Just like all other parents have to do. He barely has his child and he doesn't even work every month/week of the year. So what was his excuse before this? He never had any intention to pay.

@AryaStarkWolf I would never defend a man for downright not paying. But it doesn’t seem that this is the whole case here.

Basically a mother is saying that she will not collect her child until she receives £400?

And I do question that if a man isn’t working does he need to pay? Because how do they expect to get that money, realistically?

If he's missing work because she's refusing to pick the child up how is he expected to pay?

If you read OP's posts then it's clear he has the money but doesn't want to pay it immediately. He's enjoying the power he has to pay it as slowly as possible.

[quote Narwhalelife]@viques actually, in law, it is a compensation. It was bought in by the Tory government the 80’s to discourage men from leaving marriages as single women were expensive to the state.

This is why it is a % of what he earns. Which is also why, some fathers pay nothing it £2.50 a month and other men (Peter Jones from dragons den for example) pay £10,000 a month.

Why do some children cost more than others to raise?

If it was about feeding and clothing children in their father’s absence then it would be a set rate as child benefit it. Surely?[/quote]
It's not just men that pay child maintenance you know? It's for the resident parent to provide for the child that lives with them. This could be the father or the mother. It's fuck all to do with 'single mothers'!

The mum behaved badly but honestly sounds at the end of her tether.

How can you not see what an asshole your husband is being? If he only gets paid certain months of the year he should get a job the other months.

I've absolutely no idea how a person forgets to feed their child, that's not okay.

I’m at the bottom of page 2 of 14 atm and without looking ahead I bet op just goes quiet and doesn’t say “wow, you all have a really good point, I’m going to speak to my husband about being a better dad and stepping up to pay maintenance and I’m not going to have children with him until he sorts out his commitment to his first family”. Anyone taking bets?

[quote Narwhalelife]@AryaStarkWolf I would never defend a man for downright not paying. But it doesn’t seem that this is the whole case here.

Basically a mother is saying that she will not collect her child until she receives £400?

And I do question that if a man isn’t working does he need to pay? Because how do they expect to get that money, realistically?[/quote]
A seasonal worker would pay what they owe over the year. So they'd save over the "rich" months so they can pay during the"poor" months so the child had regular maintenance. based on the OP, the £400 owed started "months and months" ago

[quote Narwhalelife]@AryaStarkWolf I would never defend a man for downright not paying. But it doesn’t seem that this is the whole case here.

Basically a mother is saying that she will not collect her child until she receives £400?

And I do question that if a man isn’t working does he need to pay? Because how do they expect to get that money, realistically?[/quote]
The mother is collecting her now as per the OPs update

If he isn't working a lot of the time how come he only takes his daughter 8 days a month? If he isn't working for whatever reason then surely he can at least contribute in that way, don't you think?

*Why can't he work in the time his seasonal work (or whatever he does) isn't going on is another question i would ask